Rearden Metal's NC Journal (LOOONG)

[Rearden Metal]

Hello guys

 

New here, and just read GHG's epic journal threads pertaining to his yearlong + process of self-betterment with the happy ending of reconciliation. Anyone that hasn't read it, should.

 

I've decided to start my own journal at day 1 of NC, today. This is going to be a TERRIBLY long initial post, but I'm writing it more for my own therapy than anything else. However I'd dearly welcome any input members have... Here goes.

 

Personal Info

 

I'm 32. I grew up near Boston, MA, moved to NY after college and married my ex-wife at 23 (was with her since I was 20). Lived in NY for 9 yrs, moved to CO for one year. We were married 7 years and divorced the first of Jan, 2009. I subsequently moved back to MA and started new. This journal is not about her, just that I've had a marriage which ended in divorce (amicably) so I feel that is relevant back-story.

 

Before I met my recent Ex, I dated a lot and generally hated it. Felt like I was on interviews more often than dates. Also spent a bajillion dollars trying to be a great date (I had no experience dating since 20 yrs old). To make matters worse, I self imposed a sabbatical from June 08 when I moved to MA that inexplicably only recently ended in Sept 09. So I sustained myself on savings and poker winnings (don't really want to get into poker but if ppl need to know, you can ask) for 1.5 years. This was a terrible idea for me, mostly because I'm really very good at my line of work and actually enjoy doing it, so the sabbatical set me back pretty badly in terms of personal developement.

 

The Recent Ex and I

 

I had pretty much given up on dating by Feb 09. Most weekdays were something like this:

 

-Wake up at noon, eat breakfast, go to the gym. Drive to Mohegan Sun Casino and play poker from 4pm-9pm, go out to eat (alone), come home, play online poker until 3AM, sleep. After my divorce, I never even bought furniture and was living in an apartment in a house owned by my best friend (Yes I payed rent, and also helped him renovate the other two apartments to be tenant ready. Oh, and wingmanned him into the great relationship he's in now!) and sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I lived out of boxes, never unpacked in the year I was there.

 

-Weekends I would party with anyone who was available. If there was ANYTHING going on, I was THERE. Basically Thu-Mon, I was at a club, bar, beach house, wherever... and I was appearing to enjoy myself.

 

Then one day...

 

One day, I was messing around on Myspace and got a message from a girl in the city I was in. Just a short message saying I was cute. I thanked her and we had a discourse until we exchanged numbers. We chatted and agreed to meet for a drink a few days later.

 

We met out on a weeknight, had some drinks and really hit it off quickly. She invited me over for a movie, we did that and cuddled and kissed a bit and I went home. We kept daily contact, met out one more time and had a really fun time out with a bunch of friends (some hers, some mine). The next week, we were flirting on AIM and I asked for an invite to her place for something more intimate. She agreed, we met and had the most memorable first time sex I can think of.

 

Unfortunately, we did everything wrong from that point on. It started with her almost instantly not wanting me to see any other girls. She is younger (25, 26 now) and told me she was a very jealous person. I had a hard time adapting to this...having been a party guy for over a year, I would get a LOT of texts from girls just fooling around and wanting to hang out. Some I had been intimate with, others not. My Ex HATED it. She started looking through my phone and reading all my old texts. She even got into my email...which I'll get into later.

 

So here I was, about a month into it with this new girl, and we already had massive issues. To make matters worse, she was as fiery and stubborn as I was, and I'm pretty sure almost wholly incapable of apologizing for anything. Still, I stuck around... My fault, but I was getting hooked on some of the great things about her.

 

We fought and "broke up" several times. Each time, if I retracted and did not speak to her, she would finally text me that she loved me and couldn't live without me, then she'd text me pics of her (flattering) and sometimes talk dirty. I'm a sucker, I always relented and went back.

 

Somewhere around month 3, things went smoothly for an extended period. I was winning quite a bit playing cards, wasn't concerned about working, and she was entering school for esthetics, getting out of the sales field she was in that she hated. I was very encouraging of this and supported her (paying for everything when we went out, buying groceries etc), and soon, I moved into her apartment with her and helped her with rent, too.

 

Unfortunately, we had a blowup at a bar one night, she threw a drink on me (WHAT? People do that?), I left, didn't contact her for a few days, then I got the familiar texts and agreed to see her. She confessed to me that I was the only guy who had ever put up with her, that she knew she had problems and wanted to work on them with me, go to counselling and so forth. I once again relented. What can I say, I love her.

 

Well, this time it ended even worse. One day she came home from school and demanded to know why I hadn't responded to her texts. In fact, my phone service had been interrupted (Sprint sucks!) and AS WE were arguing, all of her texts started coming in simultaneously. It started out kind of funny because I started reading them to her and she clearly saw that I was telling the truth... BUT then one of the texts came in from a girl who I hadn't seen in several months...and of course the text said something like "wanna screw?"... This one ended up realllllly badly. She went crazy, slapped me, I started packing my things, she kept at me, I pushed her forcefully out of my way and she called the COPS!!! I spent the night in jail, ended up with assault charges, and moved out instantly.

 

For the next month, I did not see her. At my court date, she appeared and spoke to the DA and got my charges dismissed. She admitted that she was the aggressor and that I was not a threat to her at all, and signed papers that the DA could press charges against HER. I still was very upset with her (although I had been talking with her, I had not seen her), and I left.

 

In August, we started dating again. Things were not the same sexually, and there was a cloud over our head. We had many more problems and less time for each other. I now live 90 miles away, but we spent weekends together. We went apple picking, went to fairs, went to water parks. We went out to eat, spent the night together some weekends but had this cloud...things were not the same.

 

In Sept, I started working again, and started working on myself as well. Unfortunately, we continued to struggle but stayed together until New Years day. It ended then in a sad manner, and despite the absolutely INSANE story above, I love her and I miss her and I wish we could grow to have real respect, trust and intimacy together.

 

For the past 6 weeks, we have only had 2 short dates. Once was lunch with a few light kisses, the other was a movie that was hard to sit through. I know she is maturing and excelling in school, and she's made it clear that she loves me and wants to be together, but that she can't be in a relationship now and that we should remain friends.

 

I've tried my best to accept that... but after 6 weeks of her being inconsistent and unavailable for me and me being at her beck and call, and at the same time protective of me and asking who I was seeing all the time (nobody obviously) I sent her this email last night.

 

Hi EX,

 

I guess THIS was the part that was a long time coming for me. You hit this point 6 or 7 weeks ago when you broke up with me.

 

I don't blame you for doing anything you've needed to do to grow and be a better person. I'm glad that you are facing up to yourself and doing the hard things you need to improve your life. You'll end up being a far happier, better person for it.

 

Unfortunately for us, I won't be there to see that better person. As it is right now, all of the things I miss about you are gone, you've shut me out and as a result I've come to terms that I can't get that back. Continuing to feel that I might has only stunted my ability to heal and be the best that I can be.

 

So it's for the best for both of us that we go our separate ways. I care about you but honestly, I need to care about myself now. I don't think our dating experiment worked at all, and I don't think being friends is really working either. I don't know if it ever will, but right now, I honestly dislike you and myself more than I like either of us.

 

You say I give up too easily. But honestly, it's the hardest thing I can do. To let you go and wish you the best in your future without me in it is pretty tough to swallow, but that's what I have to do.

 

So, with that, best of luck. Go get that life you've been dreaming about.

 

ME

 

This morning, she texted me and asked who the "other" girl is, I said nobody. Here's the conversation:

 

Ex- So Who is she

 

me- Same as ever YYY, there is no she. But don't u think u and me is painful? I do and I hate it

 

ex- So you don't miss me and hate me now? Funny how quick it happens...So who is she??

 

me- No actually I miss you terribly. But the things I miss about you are gone. U aren't like that with me anymore. It hasn't been quick, nothing changed except that I miss u playing with my ears and loving me and I'm never going to get it back.

 

ex- I see... so u don't miss me u miss how u felt

 

ex- so it was never true love

 

me- Sure whatever YYY. It's not that important to me to dissect what I miss. What is important to me is how I treat myself. U can tell urself whatever you want to make urself feel better and I'll be ok with that. I know I love you but I am always feeling terrible so I need to walk away because we are not going to work on us ever.

 

ex- u really just won't ever tell me the truth huh...I wish u would just let me in (this is total bull * * * * , I'm like a total open book with her)

 

me- The truth? Ok, I think about you almost every hour of every day. I want babies with you. BABIES. I wanted to let u have space and grow as people but at the same time still be loving and be in love. I want YOU to communicate to me how you feel about me. Ok? Ok??? But it's NOT happening so what else am I supposed to do, feel like * * * * 24/7? No, I'd rather be alone.

 

me- Really, if there was anyone else Id just say so. But there isn't, never was and wasn't ever gonna be. U can believe whatever u want.

 

ex- well I'm sorry I was sick all weekent and still sick. School is cancelled today... I don't want you out of my life AAA.

 

me- I'm sorry u are sick. I don't want u out of mine either but friends doesn't work for me. Sorry, what else am I supposed to do?

 

ex-

 

me- Yeah pretty much. But thats it for me, good luck and take care of yourself.

 

ex- No... I'm not letting u out of my life!

 

me- It's really not ur choice YYY, I'm sorry FRIENDS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME

 

ex- * * * AAA!

 

me- What don't u unterstand? U have like zero communication skills. Either than or u just don't want to communicate.

 

ex- u don't even care to know me anymore ur an * * * * * * * ... I care about u... I don't want to forget u ever I want u with me.

 

me- Ok so I see two insults, then u saying that u want me to hang around and be single and feel hurt all the time. Is that about right? U have like 10 minutes to tell me what u WANT from us and me in clear, perfect english. If u can't do that I will stop responding.

 

ex- I just have been depressed the last couple days I'm sorry (instead of telling me this, she's neglected to contact me at all except about a medical concern I was helping her with).

 

me- not enough. spill the beans now or that's it.

 

ex- I just can't lose u.. I love u... But right now I can't handle being in a relationship.

 

ex- I obv can't tell you to be single. I just want to be able to talk to u and have a communication. I am being selfish and I'm sorry... I want u, but I'm not ready... If u have to move on then I guess that's what ur gonna do but I'm pretty sure it's a mistake.

 

me- Idk YYY, give me a week or two, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe not. But I'm sick of feeling like this. This is not about me dating, this is about me and you. But right now I need to cut off contact. Our differences are just too big.

 

ex- What differences?

 

ex- And the doc just called everything came back normal I'm just fat (she put on 30 lbs inexplicably, I thought it might be thyroid or diabetes and encouraged her to get bloodwork. Of course, throughout I've been supportive and told her she's beautiful)

 

me- you don't want a relationship, I do. It's a huge difference. Go to the gym and diet, quit whining. I go 2 hrs a day and eat like a bird and still look crappy but u don't hear me crying.

 

ex- Thanks.

 

me- Best advice u can hear. Lose the weight or die trying. Willpower.

 

ex- well I'm going to the gym today w my brother thank u

 

me- Good. Now is there anything else u need or want to talk about?

 

ex- So ur just gonna be done after this? I mean what good is that doing?

 

me- It does me a lot of good. K well I guess thats it. Be well, take good care of urself.

 

ex- what if I need u or u need me thats it u don't care?

 

me- I don't need you YYY, I got my own back.

 

ex-

 

ex- wow ur being really cold. Hope ur happy w whoever it is ur gonna meet

 

me- Likewise. Take care YYY

 

ex- ur going to regret this

 

me- Are u threatening me?

 

me- Its u who's made the mistake YYY. You wont find anyone like me (willing to navigate her issues and help her be a better person).

 

ex- are u serious?

 

ex- u won't find anyone like me either (that's for sure!)

 

 

That was the end of the text. I blocked her on FB and on AIM, then sent her this email.

 

this is what I want for both of us.

 

Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development. You have to know yourself and your inner self in order to share your self with another. Knowing yourself makes it possible to stand for yourself in an intimate relationship without taking over the other or losing yourself to the other.

 

There's 3 things I want:

 

Intimacy

Trust

Respect

 

If you get to a point where you want this with me, contact me.

 

 

And thus begins DAY 1 of NC....

[Rearden Metal]

Good morning!

 

Day 2-

 

Woke up thinking about YYY, nothing new. However, she's blocked on FB and AIM so didn't bother to really try to look into her.

 

Having some regrets about going NC. She's so stubborn that I believe it's going to be a looooong time before I hear from her, if ever. I miss her tremendously. But I'm reminding myself that I've been missing the real her for months and months and that if I'm ever going to be happy with her, it will take huge changes.

 

So NC today, it will be. Today I have some work to finish up, then I will hit the gym and then go to an art exhibit put on my an old college friend.

 

Best wishes to all enotaloners!

[jaygirl]

Wow. that was a long post, and i would be lying if i said i read all of it. Goodluck with NC though. stay strong

[1guygirl]

quote: Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development. You have to know yourself and your inner self in order to share your self with another. Knowing yourself makes it possible to stand for yourself in an intimate relationship without taking over the other or losing yourself to the other.

 

There's 3 things I want:

 

Intimacy

Trust

Respect

 

If you get to a point where you want this with me, contact me.

 

 

I like this, jus dont forget the love bit too! Thing is, if you get women texting you asking to screw, then what are you texting them back? Are you saying "hey look im in a relationship sorry cant" ?? ...do you show your ex that you do this? Ok whilst its hard when you are not playing around to have someone question your integrity, but put yourself in her shoes. If guys were constantly texting her and asking her for a f***, would you be cool about it?

 

sometimes guys with lots of flirty female friends are jus not worth the effort - and the gf feels she is constantly trying to remain no1 of the guys harem. there is always some issue and/or some girl who will keep crossing the line, whether jus to cause trouble for her own amusement or cause she cant respect the fact that the guy is in a relationship

 

maybe this is what your ex envisioned ??

[Rearden Metal]

Wow. that was a long post, and i would be lying if i said i read all of it. Goodluck with NC though. stay strong

 

It's ok, I appreciate the support

[Rearden Metal]

Hi 1GG,

 

My ex is a very, very jealous girl. But she's also a bit hypocritical. I have no doubt that she too was sending sexy pics to guys early on when we met. It's just what she does to lure men.

 

In addition, about 2 months into our 10 month relationship, I blocked every girl who would text me for sex. I did not respond to any female except close friends, and I kept those conversations transparent as I knew my ex would look through my phone. My hope was that she would see innocent convo's and begin to trust me.

 

She never did. Even the past 6 weeks while broken up, she would consistently ask me who I was seeing, who I was talking to, who I was going out with. It's very tiring to have to combat this all the time. In addition, I know she's talking to guys (no idea if it's romantic or platonic, haven't asked and don't want to know. She deserves her space even if she won't give me mine) and feeling out her options. It's just how she operates.

 

I'm hoping with NC that she'll realize what she's lost, and will come around. But she needs to make some major changes, too, and I'd be crazy if I took her back unconditionally.

 

It probably looks kinda strange as to why I'd want her back. I'm a good looking guy, good job and above average intelligence. I'm a bit arrogant but it's probably what attracts girls in the first place, as I'm kind of a silly type of arrogant. I have a huuuge soft spot and am romantic. As for her, here's some pro's and con's.

 

Pros-

-Very sweet and thoughtful. Puts effort into doing small things for me.

-Very feminine and a bit girly (I like this)

-Extremely attractive facially

-Ridiculous body *(overweight, but I can't explain it, realllllly attractive. Flat -stomach, large breasts and bum, cuuurvy all day)

-Great in bed, we absolutely have chemistry

-Super attracted to me. I'm 100% her type.

-GREAT with children. I want kids and she'd make an amazing mother.

-Putting effort into bettering her life. Went back to school to change careers and is excelling.

-Age. her being 26 and me being 32 was great for me. Keeps me young!

 

Cons-

-controlling, manipulative personality.

-jealous

-has difficulty trusting

-stubborn

-can be very selfish

-has a shady, probably promiscous past. As a result, I have a hard time trusting her too.

-her weight sometimes pushes the upper limits of healthy. She's 5' tall and fluctuates 30-35 lbs, which on her is a lot. Could be a medical issue. I'm concerned for her long term health. When she's at the lower end, she's crazy attractive.

-Family issues. Too many to list. Mother recovering addict, father....eh I won't even get into it.

[PennyLane09]

sounds like you made the right choice for your own sanity hang in there. take it day by day. good luck to you

[Rearden Metal]

sounds like you made the right choice for your own sanity hang in there. take it day by day. good luck to you

 

Thanks Penny. I'm doing my best, although spending waaaaay too much time on here!

[Rearden Metal]

Having a moment of weakness... I feel so terrible right now. I feel like I'm pushing her away into someone else arms... I know she will seek comfort from someone and for once it won't be me. I hope she misses me

 

On the bright side, I just applied for a great job... been in preliminary negotiations for a while but just laid out my terms. Hope they bite! Big pay raise and lot's of mobility, pretty ideal for me.

 

And tonight I'm heading to this art exhibit. At the least I'll get my mind off of things...

[1guygirl]

Having a moment of weakness... I feel so terrible right now. I feel like I'm pushing her away into someone else arms... I know she will seek comfort from someone and for once it won't be me. I hope she misses me

 

On the bright side, I just applied for a great job... been in preliminary negotiations for a while but just laid out my terms. Hope they bite! Big pay raise and lot's of mobility, pretty ideal for me.

 

And tonight I'm heading to this art exhibit. At the least I'll get my mind off of things...

 

yeah you gotta hang in there....easier said than done...but if their are trust issues on both sides then this isnt gunna work. youre not pushing her into anyones arms...if she doe end up in someones arms, then that was 'her' choice and dont blame yaself for that.

 

good luck with the job...and enjoy your night out tonight....even small steps can turn into miles...

[Rearden Metal]

yeah you gotta hang in there....easier said than done...but if their are trust issues on both sides then this isnt gunna work. youre not pushing her into anyones arms...if she doe end up in someones arms, then that was 'her' choice and dont blame yaself for that.

 

good luck with the job...and enjoy your night out tonight....even small steps can turn into miles...

 

1GG,

 

Thanks

 

Yes, there are trust issues on both sides. But I've accepted her past and I accept that she'll make her own decisions. I also feel that I've got to let her have space to come to any type of realization.

 

But for me... the thing is, the things she distrusts me for happened in my previous relationship, in my marriage.... 6 years ago now. They had nothing to do with her. It was my mistake perhaps to have opened up to her about my infidelity in my marriage. But I wanted no secrets.

 

The problems got worse when she hacked my email and saw very old emails detailing my infidelity. I had already told her about it, but when she read it herself, it put terrible doubts in her mind. I can't really blame her... but it's been so hard to prove that I realized my mistakes wouldn't make them again. It's something I'm not sure that can be reconciled in her mind. She really has no idea that I've matured immensely since my mid-twenties, and the guilt I've harbored for my mistakes.

 

Sigh... we'll see where this goes. Day 2.5 continues~!

[1guygirl]

nps

 

i think you need to go through old emails and delete them...for yourself. snooping thru mails is disgusting but many justify it with "i had to find out if he/she was cheating" BS...ask your gut, read the signs, if you dont like the vibe, move along.

 

at the same time its wrong to chastise someone for mistakes made many years ago, you dont need nor deserve that crap...ive had the judgemental thing thrown at me, and recent ex hasnt done none of that with me (i was honest with him too ie no secrets) and boy makes for a refreshing change...rather like a cold pint on a hot summers day.

[Rearden Metal]

nps

 

i think you need to go through old emails and delete them...for yourself. snooping thru mails is disgusting but many justify it with "i had to find out if he/she was cheating" BS...ask your gut, read the signs, if you dont like the vibe, move along.

 

at the same time its wrong to chastise someone for mistakes made many years ago, you dont need nor deserve that crap...ive had the judgemental thing thrown at me, and recent ex hasnt done none of that with me (i was honest with him too ie no secrets) and boy makes for a refreshing change...rather like a cold pint on a hot summers day.

 

Summer? What's that? It's all snow here!!!

 

yeah, that email address no longer exists AT ALL. That part of my life is gone, now.

[Rearden Metal]

DAY 3-

 

Sooooo.... Day 2 was pretty strange. I went through a tough spot, but kept busy and at night went to the art exhibit. I met up with a group of 6 guys I hadn't seen in 12 years, and they all were super excited to see me and catch up!!!

 

We checked out the exhibit, which was really cool, then broke off into a smaller group and grabbed pizza and beers, then to the bar next door where I bought a round for everyone and we caught up a lot. It was very rewarding for me, and I'm incredibly happy I went!

 

On my drive home, my ex texted me. I really did not expect to hear from her for weeks, months maybe. But she texted me, and the gist of it was that she was upset that I had blocked her from FB and AIM, and how were we supposed to work on things if we didn't speak? She also got a little nutty saying things like she can check my phone records because she has my Sprint passwords (I didn't know there was such a thing).

 

My reply that the stalker thing wasn't cute or attractive, and that we weren't working on things while we were still talking. I suggested she take more time and think about what she needs from me and from herself and get back to me when she is thinking straight.

 

We texted like this back and forth, and when I got home I sent this email:

 

I cut off contact with you so that we both can have breathing room to think, reflect and work on ourselves. I also cut it off because my feelings are too strong for you to be friends without going through agonizing daily feelings about us us us us Us US US...

 

YYY,

 

I'm working on myself. Really really working. When you are ready to hear what I have to say to you, you can call me. You should stop the stalker crap, it's not going to do you or us any good. And if you want to see other guys, then that's what you gotta do. I expect that until you're ready to see me again, that you give me the space and respect I deserve to do the same. Whether or not I do is none of your business, just like what you're doing is none of my business.

 

When and if you feel ready to let your guard down and start things fresh with me, let me know. Until then, I'm not going to bother you. This is the BEST way of doing things.

 

Figure out what you want. If it's me, I'll be ready to listen. Ok?

 

Love,

 

AAA

 

She replied that she was trying, and I asked her to call me. She did, and I told her on the phone that I wish I had gotten my terrible behavior with her the first few months of our relationship out of the way on someone else, but it didn't happen that way. I apologized and told her I understood where the pain she was in was coming from. And I told her I was in a much better place now and working on myself daily and that if she comes to a point where she wants to work on us like adults, and be committed to it, that she can call me.

 

I asked if she had anything to say, but she was crying and apologized for not being able to speak clearly. I told her it was ok, to take her time and get her head straight and call me when she is clear headed. Said goodnight and hung up.

 

So... looks like things are developing, hopefully they'll begin to develop in an open, healthy manner. Thanks for reading!

[1guygirl]

pleasure reading

 

love reading healthy mature adult convos...makes a change lol!

 

i think you are tackling this in the right spirit, being a good balance of emotional without crossing the line of needy/doormat or whatever

 

i think whether or not you do get back together, jus showing this attitude will attract likewise healthy attitude, be it from your ex or another girl. i know in my split, the way i have handled myself has been something my ex aint used to, i think deep down its made him think of me even more positively, and this in turn has opened the gates for likewise mature, loving discussion about us. its about respect also, and i have that for him and his feelings and ditto. when communication is healthy, even when they loose their cool, it is something they def take with them, and never will forget about you. it is one of those things that promotes reconcilliation, and exes usually learn something from it. we all can

 

i dont like games and you have rose above playing them here...gotta hand it to ya!

[jimmajam]

Who is GHG and where is their post? I'm pretty sure I've read it, but that doesn't ring any bells. Can you link me or point me in the right direction? I'll give this thread a read in ab it, but you distracted me with that first line.

[Rearden Metal]

Sorry, it's GoldenHillGuy. It's an epic, long read...but it's a great one. Read the back story too...

 

 

[Rearden Metal]

1GG,

 

You are ABSOLUTELY right. In the past when she would get nuts, I would ALSO get nuts. I think I was trying to out-nutty her so she would see how crazy she was acting. But she never saw it that way, LOL!

 

In my prior relationship, things never went like this. We communicated like adults and had ample space, trust and respect. Unfortunately, we grew apart...and yes, I was unfaithful early in our marriage. I can't dwell on that now, but the point is that I never encountered such a fiery, crazy acting woman as my recent ex! Didn't know what to do!!!

 

Now I know that by being level headed and firm, she has no choice but to do the same, or just be flat out crazy. And she is smart enough to know that, even if she HATES admitting it.

 

The other part you hit right on the head is about respect. I really do respect her and I want her to come to a conclusion that is HEALTHY for her. She has to realize that I'm good to her and begin to trust me. That can't happen unless I act rationally ALL the time. So that's what I'm doing.

 

Thanks so much for your support!

[Rearden Metal]

Turns out one of the friends I reconnected with lives 5 minutes from my ex... I'm going to have to resist doing the stalker thing myself when I visit him!

[Rearden Metal]

I'm resisting reaching out to do or say something nice to her. I want her to feel better on her own so when she comes to me it will not be for comfort, but instead in a clear-headed manner.

 

I hope she's feeling well. She's had bronchitis and has been in bed depressed for much of the week. But I'm not going to be the extra blanket this time.

[marshmlofluff]

Wow...what a powerful story. I think NC is absolutely the right thing until the swirl of emotions dies down.

 

You paint a picture of an intense, stormy, and chaotic relationship. And one thing I would point out is that--as you say you want kids with her--a relationship where a family will succeed is stable and safe, and almost a 180 from what you describe. People can change, but can a relationship change that much?

 

I actually am asking that question honestly; I don't know the answer myself.

[Rearden Metal]

Wow...what a powerful story. I think NC is absolutely the right thing until the swirl of emotions dies down.

 

You paint a picture of an intense, stormy, and chaotic relationship. And one thing I would point out is that--as you say you want kids with her--a relationship where a family will succeed is stable and safe, and almost a 180 from what you describe. People can change, but can a relationship change that much?

 

I actually am asking that question honestly; I don't know the answer myself.

 

I don't either. You're absolutely 100% correct. What I want is to FIX things, and we all know how that goes...

 

Right now I'm just hoping she's growing up a bit and finding her way. I remember being 25-26, and I was nothing like the person I am now... so I'm just taking it day by day...

[1guygirl]

I'm resisting reaching out to do or say something nice to her. I want her to feel better on her own so when she comes to me it will not be for comfort, but instead in a clear-headed manner.

 

I hope she's feeling well. She's had bronchitis and has been in bed depressed for much of the week. But I'm not going to be the extra blanket this time.

 

pah!.. she'll live!!!

 

let her sweat it!

 

ive jus decided to go NC...after much deliberation....he has nothing to offer me right now cept the odd text once in a blue moon and his kingsize bed now and again, when it fits his schedule. i was expecting a text from him to say he got his jumper, but nowt. that was his chance to text...and my chance to say im going nc without 'ignoring him'. but hey, nevermind, i know im not doing it to punish him, but to heal me and move on. if its meant to be, it will be (albeit alot of work to regain my trust and affections from his part) but im not holding out for it anymore. looks like a new house has come up and will be getting ready to move very soon *fingers crossed* ..thats step one on my 'work on me' list. im glad cos it felt like he was the one going to swan off around the world and id still be stuck here in limbo waiting to restart life

 

soz for the rambling hijack...but thats all we can do, start our new life for us, and if they really wanna be a part of that, then thats upto them

[Rearden Metal]

Hi 1GG

 

I don't really want her to "sweat it"... I honestly and truly want her to come to a peaceful place. I know she's terribly confused and hurting and I just want her to figure things out for herself.

 

AND... I want her to miss me. A lot.

[Rearden Metal]

Kinda slacked at work today, it's been a slow week. But I hit the gym really hard and then had dinner with my folks. Just settling in now and going to play some cards, then draw some ZOMBIES!!!

 

Haha I'm trying to smile and feel good. I actually felt good a few times today, hopeful and in a position of strength. But then I dip down and feel the loss of the beautiful girl I love so much. Thanks for listening...