I'm going INSANE due to complaining!!!

[rustygirl]

I know it's an oxymoron to complain about complaining, but I'm being forced to!

 

I'd like to write what I want to tell my boyfriend, but I need to find a nice way to say it so that he doesn't feel I'm 'attacking' him, that's where I need some helpful ideas!

 

Honey,

I can't recall the last time we've had a conversation that didn't end up as a complaint about something. The last six months have steadily gotten worse so that I don't want to ask the standard "how was your day?" or "how are you feeling?" let alone the normally non-complaint inviting "what would you like for dinner?" for fear it'll turn into a story about how you ate something that upset your stomach, or how your lunch was interrupted 3 times because people can't do anything at work without hunting you down first or some other complaint about who-knows what. When you've had a long day at work and are stressed out I invite you to unload & vent to me. When you aren't feeling well and want some sympathy and some tylenol, I'm you're girl... but when you want to complain 24/7 about the same things over and over for MONTHS and don't do anything to CHANGE the situation, you need to find someone else to tell it to! If I hear one more complaint about your health when you STILL haven't contacted the insurance company & set up an appointment with a doctor (and it's been well over a month now!!!) I am going to scream! If I hear one more word about how worthless everyone treats you at work and how much you hate it because you don't have time for anything else (no matter how true it is, and I know it is!) I am going to explode! I tried hard to listen and not interrupt. I've tried both the sympathetic listener, and the realistic suggestions on how to fix the problems, but neither way seems to affect the outcome and I'm still listening to complaints. Since I can't take it anymore here is my last 2 cents. Either quit complaining to me at ALL, or start applying at different jobs, call the insurance company, get a Dr. appt. set up and DO something to change how crappy everything is for you!!!! I love you to death, and I know how rough your job is on you and how the stress is really starting to get to you, but I just can't handle listening to it anymore!

 

](*,)

[Parsley]

Aw you poor thing, I can feel your pain! I'll have a go at helping you keep it calm!

 

Ok..well...I think you could try something non verbal to help out before you have a confrontation. Maybe get the numbers for the insurance company out and next to the phone on a notepad with a note "Don't forget to call the doctor! xxx" Or maybe text it to him, "I know you've been a bit distracted but here's the number so you can sort out an appointment" Make it so some of the active part is taken away from him...and then you've got an opportunity to talk about it calmly..."Did you see my note with the dr's number on it? Why don't you go give them a call now, I'll get you a cup of tea and we can chill out a bit tonight"

 

Then maybe the same sort of thing about finding a new job, say you were in a newsagents and saw a job paper and thought he might like it, maybe even you had a peek through and saw a couple of things you thought he'd be awesome at! You know?

 

I kinda think...at least he's complaining to you, as opposed to someone else, or even keeping it all bottled in, it shows you really are the one he turns to, and we're all guilty of letting out frustrations on people that don't deserve it. They're the people you can always rely on and you forget sometimes that they might get bored of it!

 

He's feeling bugged at work, and run down cause he's ill, just give some time to making him feel wanted and better, and then if nothing changes you can ask what's stopping him calling the doctor, or finding a new job, and you might be able to talk more calmly, and find the root of the problem!

 

P

xxx

[anggrace]

I agree with Parsley. I can completely understand your frustration and your need to vent. But Im afraid a letter like this will not help much. Though it might be completely sincere, it sounds aggressive and I don't believe it's realistic to ask him to never complain to you again. I think a softer approach would do more good. Perhaps letting him know how it's bringing you down with out all the heat behind the words. I hope typing it out made you feel better though. You need to get it out here so you don't explode on him. But do tell him how you feel.

[rustygirl]

anggrace - I chuckled a bit at your reply! We have pretty good communication usually but he's pretty sensitive when it comes to anything that seems like pointing out a fault of his... and "honey you complain too much" would fall under that category! That's just what I WANT to say to him but wouldn't because as you said it's aggressive (I'm frustrated!) and I would NOT want to say that in a letter! In person is better because then he doesn't put a tone to my words that I don't intend!!! But yes, writing that all out did help

 

Parsley - You deserve hugs! I can't believe your suggestions didn't even occur to me. Normally when something comes up and he doesn't get around to getting it done (like oh, the trash, paying a bill, feeding the dogs...) things like that, I usually tend to just do it myself since I don't want to nag, or I give him quite a while before asking him again. In this case though since I can't call the insurance company for him, and I can't pick out a job he'd like to work at and apply for him and he hasn't been doing it and it's been MONTHS... I was getting frustrated for him and myself! ](*,) it didn't even occur to me to do PART of the work for him and hope that he takes that last step and gets it done! so TY TY TY I'll give that a try and hoppppeee it works!!!

 

So as a side note: do you think it'd be harsh if after doing that to interrupt him when he starts complaining? I really DONT want to hear it... at least for a day....

[Parsley]

I'm sure there's a way...when he starts up, *gently* interrupt, say "honey, I know you're feeling stressed, let's just relax and forget about all that stuff for a bit yeah? Ill go get us a bottle of wine, some snacks and some movies, and we'll veg out today and enjoy each other instead of focusing on those annoying others" Make it so that the environment isn't conducive to complaining!

[catfeeder]

Ewww, he's fallen into a seriously bad habit. The feelings in your letter are valid, I'm just not sure the approach would get you what you 'really' want beyond the same kind of vent you're trying to say is not fair of him to do to you.

 

One approach was told to me by a trusted friend, and while I doubted it, it has worked for me like a charm with every complainer I know. Rather than cut him off to divert him (nobody listens to me) or cater to his helplessness by doing (or 'pushing') anything he should realistically do for himself (don't try to be my Mother), maybe just try responding with the question, "What would you like to do about this?"

 

Sure, at first it opens a floodgate of retelling of all the details and reasons why he's powerless to do anything about it, BUT just ride that out as a natural part of this process. Then ask again, "What would you like to do about this?"

 

Continue until he exhausts himself. He will. If he gets angry with you, or if you feel that repeating the same question sounds too hard edged, one variation you can alternate is, "How can I help you with this?"

 

If his complaints are directed at you--what you do wrong, how you never or always blah-blah, you can change the question, "What would you like me to do about this?" Counter generalizations by asking for specifics, "I'm asking what specific steps you want me to take to change this?"

 

The goal is to get complainer thinking in concrete terms of problem solving instead of venting himself into deeper helplessness. When he's positioned to answer a question that requires a reasoned response, he's retraining his mind to think productively instead of spinning himself into a deeper hole.

 

I'd keep this up consistently to teach him that every complaint to you will require some reasonable ideas for resolving it--so he'd better think in those terms before dumping on you. THAT is how he'll start working himself out of complaining as a habit, even on his own time.

 

Fingers crossed for you!

[WomanWriter]

I agree with this. These questions are good for steering the conversation.