Inexplicably Long Story/Problem.

[virtualgenesis]

Forewarning: This post in almost intolerably long. I have this old habit of trying to over explain and going off on tangents. I used to have 500 word essays to complete and I generally needed several pages to answer the most innane topics, and hence was docked points.

 

Something about teachers not enjoying reading my meandering verbose screeds on the symbolism in 1984 that in one instance ended up being about a third of the length of the novel itself...

-End Forewarning-

 

Alrighty, I am having some issues for the first time in quite a while, and in trying to find some help, I found this place so I figured I'd introduce myself and ask a couple of questions.

 

Now that the introduction that introduces me has been skirted, here's my issue.

 

I am having some serious internal debates on whether or not this woman I'm attracted to is the least bit interested in me.

 

Background. I'm 22, and have been in very few relationships in my life. Well, decently close to real ones as possible. My "best" relationship which ended about 6 months ago was a hair over 6 years. I say "best" as there were some issues we had, but that's another topic. So, I'm not exactly one of these frat boys, partying at the clubs, picking up and dumping each weekend or anything...

 

So, I've known the girl for a little longer than that, let's call her A. I've known her for about a year, and always have thought that she's a great person. Intelligent, confident, funny... Great taste in movies and music (we share a decent penchant for independent films; half of our respective collections are the exact same )

 

So, enter a good friend of mine, who I've known for a little over a year to a year and a half. Let's call him N.

 

N. expresses an interest in A., so being both of their friends, and wanting not only to help my buddy out, but make sure this wonderful woman had a decent guy, I help set them up. In retrospect, I think that I've never seen him in a relationship, and only know of one ex-girlfriend of his, which could explain some issues they've had.

 

So, he seems to hardly be interested in her. When in public they're like oil and water. Decently around, but definitely not mixing. In relative privacy, which basically means them and me or one other person, it was *almost* the same thing. It's as though they're simply friends, but have a little something on the side.

 

He exhibits complete and total ambivalence to almost anything that happens to her, or anything she is talking about (that isn't car related; a topic we all enjoy).

 

Only time that anything is really *different* is when we're drinking. Now, N. and I drink a decent amount socially. Meaning, I don't drink in private or anytime but at these parties, but when we're there, we drink like it's going out of style. Each time, he calls her and lets loose a stream of obsenities, and insults. It's bad enough that people that are far more on "his side" of things have called her up and apologized on his behalf.

 

He says that when they talk about it later, he dismisses it as drunk talk. She says he doesn't apologize, even if he admits that it was said and all. He says he's tired of her griping and her head games. She says basically the same thing. They almost repulse each other I've come to find out. And all this time, whenever anything like this would happen, I'd talk to her and smooth things out, or relay some information to him that would help him patch things up the times he expressed interest in doing so.

 

So, fast forward to now. They're still "together" but only simply because neither of them talk to the other. She wants to break up but remain friends. He wants to break up but NOT remain friends. He says it's because he's been treated like crap, which I can kind of see in some ways, and they both have conflicting stories about certain events, so I really don't take any sides on that. I only want my friends to be happy, and not make me have to choose. Choosing is one thing I flat out refuse to do, and if one of them brings it up, I've already prepared to tell them that if they have enough disrespect of my friendship to ask me to choose them over another, then it easily makes the choice against them.

 

Anyway, that's all somewhat ancillary. Since all of this junk, she's been calling me more to hang out. We'll go over to her new house and talk and watch a movie or something. We'll sometimes go out. Whenever I'm with her now, N. never comes up in conversation. I feel somewhat guilty because I harbor these feelings of attraction for her, but she's still technically with my friend. I know it's not guilty to be around her, since she's been an independent friend since before they were going out, and I've known them both about the same amount of time, but I still feel a bit strange about it.

 

But I feel so damn attracted to her, it's stupid. The other day, she calls me up and asked what I was doing. She sounded terribly upset. So, I ask what was wrong, and get the Standard Feminine Answer ("nothing"), and then I tell her "Right." I then ask her if she wants to go do something, and we'll talk about it. She agrees, and comes to pick me up. We go for a nice drive, and she's telling me about her day, and the issues she's had with her family, etc... We end up deciding to go and see a movie. Get to the theater and nothing's on. So, we drive to Blockbuster.

 

While browsing around Blockbuster (and stumbling accross the same movies at almost the same time), N. calls me to see what was going on. Just being out with the G/F he's having issues with made me feel a bit guilty, even though we're friends, so I tell him I'm just picking up a movie and going to head to the house and chill for the evening. So, then he calls A. about 20 min later, while we're still in the store They have about a six word conversation, until she mentions that she's getting a movie, and I was there. She recovers and says that she called me after I talked to him, and we decided on a movie. So, he's going to come over in about 20 min. We get to her house, and thankfully two other friends show up, so it doesn't look too bad for me, so to speak. (I'm certainly not the type to induce cheating, but I just don't know why I did this even though I felt wrong about it). We end up picking up two movies, some random flick like we normally get, and "Love Actually". When she hears him pulling up, she hides the LA movie.

 

So we watch the movie, and end up doing all sorts of other stuff that evening, all of us. I end up spending a bit of time with my friend, and he tells me he's about through with her s**t.

 

We end up after the party, going back to her place, and I fall asleep in the chair. When everyone has left, he wakes me up and asks if I want a ride home. I decline, saying I'm tired.

 

So, I slept at her place. Next morning I wake up and go to the kitchen. I felt like cooking breakfast, something I normally don't do. Looked in the fridge, and there's nothing. They jus moved in; Doh!. So, I turn around, and she's there. I tell her I was going to cook us some breakfast, but there wasn't anything there. So we go out and pick up some breakfast, and go back and watch LA. We then end up spending the entire day (up until she had to go to work at about 4:00) together. It was nothing short of awesome. We talked about the most random things, and I found out more about her than I think I knew about my ex-fiance'. I had a great time, and being with her that day just felt so, natural, that it confused me. It's a feeling I haven't had the luxury of in a while, and the last time I had it, I was a decent amount less emotionally mature. But sometimes, when we've got other guys around, who i KNOW are interested in her, and haven't the courtesy of waiting until she's single to make any advances, she seems to ignore me completely. I feel like the proverbial third wheel.

 

So, long long long story short, she's an absolutely stunning person, who's involved in a relationship going down faster than the Titanic, and who I've been interested in for a decent while now and is in my opinion compatible with me. But, questions to her loyalty while in a relationship have been brought up, and I fear that if I pursued anything, not only would she bore of me and leave (like my other girlfriends prior to my ex-f did) but that I could lose the friendship of two great people, and I'm also worried that if I did try and pursue, she'd shoot me down and go for someone better looking (even though I've been *told* I'm not that bad ) or just simply "better". I know the guys that are pursuing her right now, and can attest that not a single one of them would treat her right, if their previous relationships are any meter of their behavior.

 

So, the million dollar question; What should I do? Should I pursue, pursue after their breakup at least? Should I cut bait and completely walk away, should I dismiss anything and already flawed, what...

 

Or are there any tips to find out what she wants or what she thinks about this? I've never talked with her about anything (as it'd break one of my cardinal rules about direction relationship interference) and all this is going off of what isn't said. So, can anyone help me make heads or tails of this?

 

p.s. - Thanks for reading this story. This post *does* qualify for one credit on your Pizza Hut 'Book-It' program

[amaranth_04]

She wants to break up but remain friends. He wants to break up but NOT remain friends.

 

If you do go after her, and your friend sticks to his plan, you will quite likely start seeing less of him til he fades out.

 

You do mention being afraid of losing the two friendships, but you seem just that bit more concerned about whether she will reject you.

 

You say the two of you seem comfortable yet you worry quite strongly over a rejection from her. Perhaps her ambivalence is reflective of her current status. If you do wish to pursue her, I'd suggest having a talk with your friend after they break up. Normally, I wouldn't encourage getting together with a friend's ex, definitely out of the qn if they were serious. However, seems like your friend doesnt even like his gf all that much. So maybe he won't be as heartbroken. However, there is a high chance of awkwardness if the three of you get together, him, you and, your new (friend's ex) gf.

 

Definitely let him know your intentions instead of turning up one day w your arm around her. Perhaps, you could briefly mention you liked her right from the start but decided to step aside to let the two of them pursue it.

 

To see whether or not she will reject you, you will have to risk being rejected and ask her. After they break up. Just make sure she feels the same as you and wishes to make something of it before you seek your friend's approval. And don't make something of it til after you have his blessings. That way if she doesn't wish to pursue it, you would not have unneccessarily risked your friendship with your friend.

 

If you really feel she's worth it, then well, ok. But also keep in mind your friendship with your mate. Also, you have a friendship with her now. If you try for a relationship and it doesn't work out, keep in mind you can lose her friendship, as well. So in essense, lose both friendships.

[naughtynnice]

I think you should go after her, but gradually. Remember she is in a relationship, and although it loooks like its pretty much over, she still might be emotionally vunerable ( unless she isn't, which is something that you would know and i would only assume )

 

so in a nutshell..yeah ask her out.