Dealing with a friend who is competitive about male attention

[Cadence44]

I have a question about what I should do about a friend of mine. I apologize for the long post, but I could use some objective advice as I really don’t know where to go from here.

 

T and I met a few years ago when she was engaged. She and I became very good friends, and I helped her through when her fiancé left her. I recently went through a break-up and she was mostly supportive, though I would have appreciated a bit more contact from her. I'd consider her to be one of my best friends, but now that we are both single the dynamic has changed.

 

T has always been very social and everyone loves her. She is beautiful and interesting and she is my main connection to meeting new people, since my other friends are married or in long term relationships and tend to be homebodies. I’ve recently started to suspect that what I had always thought was T's completely natural magnetism is maybe not so naturally occurring. I’ve started paying attention to how she acts around men and I now think that she is trying to compete with me and I don’t quite know what to do.

 

T is somewhat involved with a few different men. They are mainly friends who she either sleeps with or just makes out with occasionally. She considers herself single and will sometimes ask me for advice about these friends. I’ve let her know that I think it’s all fine as long as her intentions are made clear. As for me, they're my friends, but in a platonic sense.

 

The timing of one of these encounters started my suspicions. She “accidentally” got drunk a couple weeks ago, and “accidentally” went home with a mutual guy friend and made out with him “just to see what it was like”. She has been friends with him for 2 years, and this encounter happened the same week that he decided to start dating and put up a profile on a dating website. I started to suspect some sort of control issue was happening, and I did mention it to her.

 

As for why this is bothering me – it’s starting to affect me. I’m attractive and I’m funny and caring, but I’m also really shy. I don’t like to be the center of attention. At the same time, I’m now single and I’d like to meet some new guys. I’ve tried online dating, but so far I haven't met anyone I connect with.

 

T recently informed me that she was at a bar and one of her female friends brought about 5 or 6 new guys with her. She said it was a fun night, and I jokingly asked her why she didn’t contact me to tell me to come out. She made up some joking excuse, but in my head I suspected that she didn’t because it might detract from the potential attention she’d receive.

 

One of these guys met up with us on Friday night. I decided to observe her when the new guy was around. I’m really depressed by what I saw – she flirted heavily. She gave him “the eyes”, she made sure that she was always front and center, and her body language was actually blocking me out of the conversation (body twisted so her shoulder was jutting out). Nobody introduced me to this guy even though we were all sitting at the same table. I smiled and said hello and introduced myself. I remained friendly and went out dancing with everyone afterwards. T seemed to be always dancing in front of the new guy.

 

This wouldn’t bother me as much if I knew that she had any real interest in the new guy. We know each other pretty well, and he definitely was not her type. If anything, he would be an addition to her guy “friendship” harem.

 

I know it sounds like I’m jealous, but it’s more that I’m upset that she’s quite purposeful in soaking up the male attention. I feel like there’s an unnecessary competition happening. There’s nothing to say that I have dibs on new guys, but I definitely do not think that she has my interest in mind. I’m really not sure that I’ll ever get noticed, and it really upsets me to think that she is, perhaps, engineering it to be this way.

 

There was also an incident recently that might be heightening my sensitivity to any lack of consideration. I was supposed to pick her up at a place I’d never been before. I told her that I’d call when I got to the general area and she’d either come out and meet me or tell me exactly where I should go. It was very cold out. It took her 40 minutes to notice that I’d called her (I’d left by that point). She was vacuuming or some nonsense. I’m of the opinion that she should have checked her phone, knowing that I’d be calling. We did talk about it and I can't remember if there was an actual apology at any point.

 

I’m hesitant to bring up the attention whoring. She’ll listen to me, but she also tends to get defensive and tells me that I’m just too serious and too rigid in how I think that people should be treated. Her view is that no one else is responsible for someone else’s feelings and I think she considers me unenlightened due to my "rigidity". She also made a comment that made me sound pretty desperate to meet someone.

 

So, any advice? Right now I’m leaning toward just taking a few weeks time away from her.

 

My ex who hurt me pretty badly has recently contacted me and I’m trying to not let it get to me. But right now, he’s looking like a pretty attractive option just because he likes and notices me and already knows that T is a bit off of her rocker.

[KG]

She sounds very immature and high maintenance. Keep up your standards, it will pay off down the road.

[ca-sunshine]

I'm very interested in responses to this post as well. I have a friend who acts very similarly, and in nearly identical situations (groups of friends, bars, dancing) and I feel like you do. Like you said, you're not necessarily jealous - I don't think I am. But I just keep getting more and more annoyed with her behavior. I'm kind of embarrassed for my friend too - I personally wish she would be more mature and considerate. Sad to say, I'm increasingly annoyed to be around her behavior and embarrassed to be associated with her.

 

Don't go back to the ex. Seems like you already know that's a bad idea. You just kind of stuck that on the end of your post as an afterthought, you said he hurt you, etc. You seem to be observant enough to be aware of people's behaviors in general to know that's not a great idea.

 

Do take time away from your friend. I've actually started standing up for myself too. I haven't shut my friend out completely, but I'm not going out with her in situations where I have to watch her 'do her thing,' I'm not doing favors for her that are really out of my way and that I already know she wouldn't appreciate (like you picking up your friend) - I'm trying to take more control over my own enjoyment when out with her or other friends. (I've actually had to apply this to a lesser degree to other friends recently too). Maybe it's my own attitude changing - lots of other people obviously still like going to bars and making out with lots of people, having sex with lots of people, trying to get ahold of whomever they can. I never did any of that personally, but many of my friends did/still do, and as time goes on I realize myself 'tolerating' it less and less. Are you and your friend the same age? Same 'place' in life (school, career, relationships)? You might just be moving on from her being a close friend, to more of a social acquaintance. And that's perfectly fine. Don't let her hold you back from being happy and especially from finding someone to be with.

[pinkelephant]

ugh, sounds like one of my bestfriends. she complains about her lack of girlfriends because "guys like her", but she loves it.. and if it's any consolation, it's not conscious at all. you just have to figure out how to pick up guys without her.

[Cadence44]

Thanks for the replies. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

 

It’s hard for me because it hasn’t always been this way. I want to be supportive of her and I think she has a lot of great qualities, but in this current situation I can’t help but see how much she… kind of sucks. It’s a little bit frustrating that no one else can really see it. I haven’t brought it up, but I think most people that know her would tell me that she’s just a free spirit, etc.

 

It’s also a difficult situation because where I live is a ridiculous place to be single. It’s all college aged kids or families. There’s really no singles scene at all. My other friends (none of whom are single) don't even know single guys to set me up with, so I feel sort of dependent on her for anything resembling a social life especially when I’m trying to meet new people.

 

I think I’m just going to distance myself. If she ever wants to know what’s going on, I’ll tell her.

 

Right now, if I brought it up I’d just be greeted with defensiveness and talking over me. Now that I think about it, there have been a few times lately when she’s said some things implying that I am a lesser human being because I don’t have guy friends. * * * ? I do, I just don’t touch their penises.

 

(and the picking her up thing was to pick her up to go get something to eat. I don’t chauffeur her anywhere, just a normal friend thing)

[lonelygyrl]

Totally agree and find myself in a similar situation. Not happy for everyone's problems but glad to see I'm not alone.

[lonelygyrl]

She said it was a fun night, and I jokingly asked her why she didn’t contact me to tell me to come out.

 

I would say follow your heart and the vibe you are getting. But also at the same time that you're working on figuring her out and drawing boundries also take time to look within yourself. Your friend is right about no one being responsible for anyone else's feelings. And in the quote above you show a bit of expectation from her. I don't think she did anything wrong by not inviting you out, she was out enjoying herself, so why should she have you on the brain. Not trying to be mean, just make a point. From your post it does sound like she is an attention hog and inconsiderate (leaving you in a place you don't know) those are the real reasons to be weary and keep your guard up, not so much her not introducing you to guys.

 

 

And I also believe it could just be you're growing apart. I'm going through something similar but decided to keep the friendship just to a lesser degree of involvment. Its life we all change.