My no contact diary

[matador1972]

So today my ex told me she didnt want to get back together after keeping me hanging on a string for nearly 5 months, so ive told her i dont want to have any contact with her so i can move on.

 

She has just left, this is day one, how do I feel? Gutted is probably the right word, i feel terrible, I really hoped she would come round but it was obviously not meant to be.

 

Time to start healing properly.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i can't imagine what you're feeling like matador... I had been keeping up with your other thread, and she had really been stringing you along and giving you false hope! I hope this gives you the closure you need so you can start to heal and move on. Stay strong!

[matador1972]

Thanks, my daughter told me she got flowers delivered the other day, so i guess she was happy to string me along until she got someone else to focus on, which makes it that bit harder to take.

 

Still, onward and upward, spent most of the day crying, but tomorrows a new beginning.

[matador1972]

Well, start of day 2, i really want to contact her, but i wont, ive been made a full of for long enough now.

 

For anyone reading this who didnt move on because they felt they couldnt, do it as soon as you possibly can, because this is just as bad as right at the start again, its like being broken up all over again.

[kvb10]

Keep trucking, Matador.. I cant imagine going back to the beginning and Im only on day 7. Hang in there and keep us posted on how it goes. There are some good posts in the no contact challenge thread too. lots of others on the same journey.

[matador1972]

The problem is, no contact is going to be extremely hard, i can really only class initiating contact as no contact, because we have two kids, we share the same gym.

 

If i goto the gym today and she's there, i wont speak to her, thats my challenge for the day.

[minou]

You are such a loving guy. Do you think it's possible there will be someone else for you one day? Good luck. Look on one positive side, at least you know you did the very best you could to work things out. I don't have that (overreacted, I feel to perfume on his shirts and threw him out) & it still hurts terribly.

[ElChup]

You are such a loving guy. Do you think it's possible there will be someone else for you one day?

 

Of course there will be. At some point he will regain his dignity and say "enough is enough", and then after a while some lucky woman out there will be the recipitant of that loving person and appreciate it for what it is.

[matador1972]

Well i went to the fitness class, walked in and she was sat there, she said "hiya", i said "oh, i didnt realise you would be here" turned around and came home. Soon as i saw her i knew there was no way id be able to be in a class with her for an hour.

[matador1972]

Of course there will be. At some point he will regain his dignity and say "enough is enough", and then after a while some lucky woman out there will be the recipitant of that loving person and appreciate it for what it is.

 

Well, im at that stage, walking out of the class was hard but the right thing to do, i wont see her again if i can help it for a very, very long time.

 

The next few weeks will be tough, next Sunday would have been the 18th anniversary of the night we met, then valentines the week after, then 6 weeks later its her 40th birthday and then my daughters birthday the week after. Things will no doubt be tough until i get through all that just as xmas was tough, but i got through that, so i can get through this.

 

Why do they always say things like "i know i might look back in a year or two and think what was i doing and it was the biggest mistake of my life", why do they try to sugar coat it? Why do they still tell you they love you just not the way that they should?

[matador1972]

So she got the message after the gym anyway, she came to collect our daughter and stayed in the car, rather than coming in as she normally would.

[ElChup]

 

Why do they always say things like "i know i might look back in a year or two and think what was i doing and it was the biggest mistake of my life", why do they try to sugar coat it? Why do they still tell you they love you just not the way that they should?

 

Because every dumper who has been in a long term relationship knows that it wasn't that long ago that they truly loved the dumpee, and that the dumpee was or still is a fundementally good person. They aren't robots any more than you or I am. They cannot switch off their emotions and most dumpers who are good people will still feel a tremendous affection for the people they have left.

 

I also believe that sometimes these statements are an attempt to ease the pain of the dumpee by reminding them that while they feel that they aren't the right person for them, they are nonetheless someone who is pretty special.

 

Finally, some might also say it because, in their head, they are justifying the fact that they have not wasted years of their life on someone who isn't worth it.

[matador1972]

Thanks for your observations Elchup, much appreciated bud.

 

It was quite funny when she was leaving yesterday, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and a cuddle, and smelled my neck, the neck smelling was very odd.

[ElChup]

Thanks for your observations Elchup, much appreciated bud.

 

It was quite funny when she was leaving yesterday, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and a cuddle, and smelled my neck, the neck smelling was very odd.

 

She may actually have been smelling your hair. I used to smell my ex's hair from time to time. It had a smell distinctive to her.

[matador1972]

well, had a massive barney with her tonight, i was out, came back and she came over because my daughter wasnt feeling well, she was walking out i closed the door behind her and she said i slammed it, so we got in a big argument.

 

Thing is, it dosent matter anymore. I dont need to worry about whether she's upset or not happy now.

[matador1972]

I feel a lot better today, accepted its over and ive been quite chipper.

 

Ive realised now she cant hurt me any more, and it dosent matter who she dates or sleeps with, its of no consequence to me anymore.

[matador1972]

Well, another day, yesterday i felt kinda back to normal yesterday.

 

She texted me this morning asking me to try and find her car registration document and driving licence which she has lost, i looked for it last week and couldnt find it, which she knows, im not going to look again, but im wondering whether i should respond with "im not your husband anymore, i dont run errands for you" or just leave it.

[ElChup]

Just leave it.

[matador1972]

That was what i thought i should do too, my mate was trying to push me towards setting a precedent by saying what he suggested which just felt antagonistic.

[ElChup]

No point in making yourself look bitter. It's just not something to use energy in IMO.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry you have had it rough matador!

 

You're doing the right thing you know... you are a great guy. You will find someone.

[matador1972]

No point in making yourself look bitter. It's just not something to use energy in IMO.

 

I actually just responded with "definetely not here, have a look in xx".

 

Was out on a date tonight, had a nice night, dont actually feel that bothered at the moment, it honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders not having to worry or care about her anymore. She could be getting double teamed by two guys and it wouldnt matter anymore because she wont be a part of my life anymore.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, I'm kind of at that point too myself...

[matador1972]

I emailed my ex today, to ask her to give me an extra day off from the kids next month, she has them 14 i have them 17, she was absolutely furious, called me and shouted at me. When I texted her back after she slammed the phone down on me to say she had totally misread the situation (she was accusing me of making her feel like she didnt want the kids, and i had said originally i was happy to have the kids more so she could spend time on her own to find out what she wanted, she accused me of changing my mind on that), and told her it was fair now she had made her decision that we had the kids equally.

 

She texted back "F**k off". I stupidly texted her back "i dont know what that was for, but that was out of order, have you not hurt me enough already?", she texted back "its always about you, isnt it"

 

Im not really sure what her problem is, but it was completely out of order, i told her to speak to me when she was calm.

[matador1972]

So the days roll on and im completely over her now, I have no thoughts or want for her to come back anymore, this is a marked change as I always presumed i would take her back no matter what, but I can actively see now how controlling she was throughout our marriage and im honestly now, so much happier without her in my life.

 

Its a great realisation when you find out that someone was toxic for you, that they stifled you, this has been the worst, but at the same time, the best experience of my life, im really excited about the future now, and im happy, properly for the first time in as long as i can rememember, maybe as much as 15 years.