It was both our faults

[kvb10]

Ive been posting all week about my break up, but now i am onto a new revelation about it. I realized why it didn't work out. It was not just her, it was me too. Now I doubt we will ever have another chance to make this right.

 

 

 

Anyways... Too little too late. I hope everyone learns from this kind of stuff. I am going to learn. We have been on NC for 5 days and broken up for 7 days. She plans on writing to me after a week of NC but i am not sure I will respond yet. This post is actually a remix of a letter I wrote to her but not sure if i'll send right away. i might wait a couple of weeks. however, i am pretty sure we have no chance at making it again.

 

So now you know the truth about why my relationship failed. It sucks, but it happened. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I have a tiny little piece of me that holds onto hope, but i know that for now its really over.

[Diagonal]

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sure it'll help a lot of people.

 

I know you're looking at things negatively at the moment, but you're doing what you should be doing and that's working on yourself.

 

Maybe in time you may get the chance to re-build something, who knows, but for now continue to work on yourself and see how it goes.

 

Look at it this way. She left as she wasn't happy with the 'you' that you became. If by improving yourself that helps you get back the person she fell in love with, then who knows what might happen.

 

I am in a similar position (see signature). She left, as she wasn't in love with the person I became. Since then I've worked a lot on myself and we're on LC and seeing if we can re-kindle things.

 

My situation is different as she isn't interested in seeing anyone else, but the rest is similar.

 

At one point in the early days I asked her the chance of getting back with me and she said she was 99% sure she wasn't. Now we're in a position, where after some work on both sides, we're working on things slowly, spending some regular time together and who knows where things will go. (one thing I do know is that the inital 1% chance she stated has to be higher now and I'm sure you'll agree if you read back through some of my threads )

 

You're the only one who knows, but don't write everything else off just yet.

 

What do other people think?

[kvb10]

Hey Diagonal,

 

Thanks for sharing. You are right I have to just work on me right now. By the end maybe I dont even want her back. Maybe we become best friends. Maybe we get back together.

 

Wow she said 99% chance... I read yuor other threads and that percentage has definitely changed. I am happy for you. My girl said she hopes 'we can be in each others lives one day however that may be' and when I said I thouht we'd be back together one day she said it's not impossible but that she can't say that right now. Which I completely understand. We just used to always talk about how we think if we ever got broken up, that we would end up together one day.

 

I'm going to try to stay focused on me right now and know that no matter WHAT happens in the future, it's for the best and I will ultimately be happier.

[Diagonal]

Yeah, she did say 99% that she didn't want me back, but the way I look at it. That was 99% that she didn't want the old me back.

 

Now I've worked on myselfy, I'm obviously closer to the me she fell for. When you look it that way, the percieved rise in percentage, isn't that drastic.

 

I think it's about knowing deep down what you want and whether it's truly meant to be. With us I know we're meant to be together (if that's possible) and not just after the intial shock of a break-up, but now the dust and emotions have died down - I still believe that and am working to win her back.

 

 

 

Hope that helps.

[kvb10]

deep down i feel pretty true about it. but i think i have to realize that its over for now.

 

with your situation, it does sound like she never stopped wanting you, but just needed you to change a bit. my girlfriend didnt tell me soon enough about struggles she was having, and instead went and made a new love interest behind my back.. she is not with that other person yet though. she is missing me like crazy and pretty depressed. but im sure its done. i think at some point she'll probably try to date that other person.. i doubt itll last forever.

 

in fact, no matter what the outcome is, ill eventually be happy. if she stays with that person forever, ill be happy because it obviously meant that it was true love and i do want her to be happy. and if it ends, then i get to laugh because then she has to go through the pain again while i am doing fine on the other hand.

I have to try to remember that this situation is win, win, win. If we are meant to be together, we will be eventually, and if we are not, we wont be.. either way i'm going to be happy.

its hard to remember that at all times.

 

emotional rollercoaster!

[Diagonal]

Keep positive

 

If she's missing you like crazy, then that's something.

 

Work on yourself and see how it goes. It's tough but if it's meant to be and she wants to be with you, then she'll reach out.

[Kaytie]

Lots of good stuff in this thread

 

kvb10, I'm so glad you wrote all of this down - I have done the same and now know what I need to work on. As you said, whether any of us get back together with our exes or not, in the end we will all become better people if we are willing to be brutally honest with ourselves and take ownership in our part of why the relationships didn't work.

 

I am very happy to read that you are determined to be happy - whatever that means in the future. I think those positive thoughts are a sign of healing. Even just a few days ago I couldn't think of anything positive or look forward to anything really. Now I am much more positive and the mental shift happened almost overnight, oddly enough.

 

Diagonal, thanks for your posts too - I'm glad to read that out of a 99% chance of things not working that things are looking up! It just goes to show that you never know what's going to happen.

[Diagonal]

Agreed

 

Thanks Kaytie. You just don't know do you. I mean we're still not back together yet and who knows if that'll happen, but if you remain positive and work hard on the yourself and at the relationship - good things will happen.

 

Hang in there guys

[kvb10]

She just called and we talked

 

Here is how the story ends:

 

She basically was doing the closure call. I now know that it's over and somehow I am actually okay with it now and feeling like it is the right thing. I stayed strong, stayed positive but was also not like overly positive and fake. I kept it small talk. She brought up the relationship first. I told her not to worry about me and she said of course she is going to worry about me. But I told her that I really am going to be fine and that she is going to be fine too. We agreed that the best way to get through this was NC. We didn't put a time stamp on it but basically just said we'll do NC, heal and then try to be friends.

 

She also told me one thing she realized this week is that she doesn't want to be in another relationship for a long time (when she broke up with me she said she was in love with someone else) and I told her that I thought that was a good idea to give herself time to heal and find herself. She said she is already starting to feel better being out of a relationship. (She didn't have to rub it in!) She said that she had lost some weight and I said I had lost a couple of pounds too and that I am approaching the best shape I've ever been in and she said "well you're welcome". I felt that was kind of rude (but i didnt say anything). She immediately apologized. I guess she'll probably be kicking herself later for saying that. I asked if she had anything else she wanted to tell me and she said she said everything she wanted to say and asked if I needed to say anything and I said just that I don't want her worrying about me, we're both going to get through this and heal and that I am sorry for the mistakes I made in our relationship. She said she's sorry too. Then I wished her well and the best and she did too and we said bye.

 

I stayed strong and I didn't sound desperate or sad.

 

I have gone through so many emotions in this first week of NC. But now I have a different one. I feel kind of indifferent. I was actually having a good day today and feeling positive. I mean, I do not feel mad or angry now, just kind of indifferent. Not sure if that makes sense. Basically, I wasn't like excited or happy to be talking to her. It was more just awkward and I didn't know what to say

 

Anyways, thanks for all the advice everyone has given me here. Because of the advice I was able to stay strong, not bring up the relationship first, not talk too much (its easy for me to put my foot in my mouth), and not apologize for little things I've done wrong. Granted I did say sorry for the mistakes that I made, but at the moment I felt it was good for my closure because I know that we both made mistakes which led to the ending of the relationship. But I didn't go into details.

 

The only thing I would have done differently is not talk so long (we small talked a lot) but in the moment it became nostalgic and somehow wanted to hold on. There were actually several moments of silence so I am sure she was thinking the same thing.

 

That is the ending of my relationship. I am now going to move on, naturally going to miss her at times, but I think it's going to be okay.

[kvb10]

p.s. I wrote that post right after the call..

 

currently I am feeling a bit hurt about it.. i feel like she was very direct and sounded like she didn't even like me anymore.

 

I am feeling weak like I want to call back and ask why she sounded that way and point out how nice and understanding I've been this whole time.

[Clabs]

Hi KVB

 

Just wanted to say sorry that this was not the outcome you were probably secretly hoping for.

 

The trouble with these type of calls is that they never really answer all your questions, or they answer questions and new ones instantly pop into your head.

 

Don't call her back hun - you know it won't do you any good. You have to take a bit of time and have a snivel and be sad and then get off your bum and start walking forward again.

 

I have read lots of your posts and you sound like a really super girl - I really do think you are gonna get through this cr@p!

 

Keep your chin up, hun.

 

Mark

[Diagonal]

really sorry to hear that, I am.

 

I'm not sure what to say really. Sounds like you handled it well and you're being positive about the future.

 

I don't think you could have done anything else and I'm sure the rest of the people on here will agree.

 

Stay strong

[kvb10]

Thanks so much Clabs and Diagonal,

 

Your replies really helped to give me the pick up I needed to move past these feelings. I guess I was hanging on to some secret hope but it is good to know it is over. I'm also glad I kept myself together for the phone call and stayed positive. I won't call her back and I will stay on the high road.

 

Thanks for the support through this.