Ex (dumper) is taking the break-up harder than me. Why?

[Diagonal]

Hey guys,

 

I'm taking things slow with my ex after we agreed we both wanted to see if we could rekindle things. She has told me she's not interested in seeing anyone else and I've told her I'm not and we have been moving forward after she left 5 weeks ago. On top of that we've both been working on ourselves to solve the problems we had.

 

Anyway, she seems to be taking the break-up a lot harder than I am. She has issues about moving into her own place (as she is at her parents, which she hates) and is having a few problems/arguements with her friends, but overall she seems to be getting worse rather than better.

 

I on the other hand seem to be feeling better about a possible reconciliation and she's seen that I'm looking healthier, being more positive about life and a lot more sure and confident in myself.

 

So my question is: Why is my ex taking the break-up harder than I am, despite the fact she is the one who left!?

 

Thanks guys,

[kvb10]

I want to know too!

 

One of my theories is that my ex has to deal with being the "bad" guy and hurting me and choosing to leave me although she still cares about me.

 

Interested to hear what others think.

[Diagonal]

I see where you're coming from. In the early days of the break-up when I was all weepy and begging, I can see why she felt bad about it then - but the fact I am coming accross to her a lot more positive and a lot more confident about life, should surely make it easier for her.

 

Shouldn't it?

[anon12]

my ex just failed her college exams today, and is on her final warning.

 

strange how she was doing perfectly while she was with me...

 

she's hit her self destruct button. Now im the one feeling fine, and starting to move on.

[CBG]

I see where you're coming from. In the early days of the break-up when I was all weepy and begging, I can see why she felt bad about it then - but the fact I am coming accross to her a lot more positive and a lot more confident about life, should surely make it easier for her.

 

Shouldn't it?

 

Sometimes, the dumpee moving on hurts the dumpers ego. It may not be that she felt bad about breaking up...more that she no longer has the ego boost that you are still hurting over her.

 

I dunno...she sounds like a basket case.

[pumpkinmoon]

I have just ended a relationship and I will be taking it harder than he is or will. I feel I was the one who cared more, but because of the way I was being treated, I couldn't go on anymore. It makes perfect sense to me.

[Diagonal]

Haha basket case. Thanks for that.

 

I think you're onto something though CBG. Maybe her ego has taken a hit, because it seems like I am moving on. She knows I want her back, but maybe more positive front is throwing her a curve ball and so effecting her emotionally.

 

I don't know, break-ups are complicated?

[I_Speak_Jive]

I have just ended a relationship and I will be taking it harder than he is or will. I feel I was the one who cared more, but because of the way I was being treated, I couldn't go on anymore. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

Exactly. There are a myriad of reasons why someone breaks up with someone else, from "I no longer want to be with you" to "I desperately want to be with you but can't".

[drewciouS281]

why did she dump you in the first place? what were the reasons? She could be taking it harder because she may be regretting her decision and seeing how your doing well, its making her hurt more. its hard to say but thats a good thing instead of the latter. Are you sure that possibly getting back together is what you want? Fill us in with how the break up occurred.

 

you say she knows you want her back, well dont seem that available to her anymore. dont seem as interested and let her chase you. Her seeing you doing well wont make things easier for her to move on, thats prob why its affecting her so much cause to her, she is prob thinking that your getting over her and moving on fast while she is second guessing things and its crushing her. Dont rush into anything.

[anon12]

I have just ended a relationship and I will be taking it harder than he is or will. I feel I was the one who cared more, but because of the way I was being treated, I couldn't go on anymore. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

It makes sense in that way. But what about when the dumper leaves you for someone else, thats why i dont understand why she isnt handling things at all anymore.

[Diagonal]

@theshoefairy I see what you mean. She ended it with me because I was so neglectful of our relationship and while she loved me very much, she was very unhappy and couldn't take it anymore.

 

I'm showing her I've changed my priorities and that I'm the person she fell in love with and not who I became, but when you factor in all the above it does make sense.

[pumpkinmoon]

It makes sense in that way. But what about when the dumper leaves you for someone else, thats why i dont understand why she isnt handling things at all anymore.

 

Maybe he isn't who she thought he would be. Maybe she was torn with her decision about leaving you for him for so long and in the end she just picked one, but isn't sure it's the right one.

[Diagonal]

Ok so here is the back story -

 

Over the last 12 months I worked more and more, had two jobs and a hobby that kept me out of the house. She felt very neglected by that and it got too much, so she left.

 

I have since quit one of the jobs (which I was planning on), toned down the hobby and worked on myself and what I value in life and that was being with her.

 

Hope that helps.

[Tasha1675]

I'd love to know the answer to this too! My ex ended our relationship just over 3 months ago. We were in love but he didn't feel ready for more commitment after two years together (living together for over a year as well) and thought that he would eventually ruin it because he didn't feel ready.

 

So we broke up even though he said how much he loved me. We went NC pretty much straight away which was so so hard to do but I have managed it.

 

Then, a few weeks ago, he emailed my best friend saying that he'd had a terrible Xmas and New Year, and thought I probably had too so wanted to know if I was OK! The nerve!

My friend replied saying that I'm OK as far as she knows but if he wants to know about me, he should contact me himself!

He said he hadn't contacted me as it would be for his own benefit, that things are pretty bad for him at the moment, and...he said he still loves me! She didn't reply to that.

 

I don't know why he told my best friend that he still loves me, but all I can think is that the break up has hit him hard because he does still love me. It's strange. It sounds like he's been feeling sorry for himself but felt he couldn't reach out to me as it would be wrong of him.

 

So I guess maybe dumpers do take the break up hard (maybe harder than they expected) because they care about the other person, feelings don't just go away overnight.

 

I know he is my ex now but he didn't want us to break up, he just felt that he had to do it for both our sakes and he was right to, if it was just going to be a waste of time two more years down the line when he does something stupid. I will always be a bit baffled by the dumper saying how much he loves you, ending it, then taking the break up hard but I think it's just so complicated, nothing is black and white.

 

I don't think I've made much sense but it's so hard to make sense of it all!

[pumpkinmoon]

@theshoefairy I see what you mean. She ended it with me because I was so neglectful of our relationship and while she loved me very much, she was very unhappy and couldn't take it anymore.

 

I'm showing her I've changed my priorities and that I'm the person she fell in love with and not who I become, but when you factor in all the above it does make sense.

 

Same exact reason why I left mine. I couldn't take it anymore. It kills me now that I have done this, but staying in the relationship was killing me too. It's good that you are showing her you have changed. If you really want it to work then make these changes permanent and try as hard as you can. Mine just accepted it and has said or done nothing to let me know that he cares that we have even broken up so that's even more of a reason for me to move on now. He just doesn't care.

 

Maybe you are not taking it as badly because you know there is a very good chance that you will get back together. For her, it's having to deal with how she has felt for so long, having to make the agonising decision of breaking up. And now she knows you want her back, I'm sure she is scared that if she came back to you things would not change.

[Tired Tiger]

Anyway, she seems to be taking the break-up a lot harder than I am. She has issues about moving into her own place (as she is at her parents, which she hates) and is having a few problems/arguements with her friends, but overall she seems to be getting worse rather than better.

 

I'm not sure I'm seeing exactly why you're assigning the reason for her current emotional state to the break up. Sounds like there's many other things to take into consideration.

[Diagonal]

@theshoefairy It's not been long but I do feel like I've changed and the break-up has given me a jolt to change for the better and I do feel happier with the changes that I've made: I feel less stressed - have more time and I feel like a better person.

 

I'm guessing the reason we're still in touch and seeing each other is that she's testing the waters. She has said she doesn't want me to say or seem like I've changed only for me to revert back once she's back, but has said she's noticed things in me that she thought had gone forever.

 

I am still really up and down about the break-up emotionally, but am trying to stay positive. I'm doing everything I can and while I was very wrong to neglect her, I've learned from that mistake and am pushing forward to be a better person.

 

My ex thought when she left that would be it and I wouldn't be bothered, as I'd not shown her that much attention for almost a year. Since then my heartfelt gestures and showing her I've changed seem to be throwing a spanner in the works of what should be a straightforward breakup.

 

Things are making more sense now actually. She probably is torn between going for good and coming back. My past actions are saying "Go" and our good times and this new me she is seeing is saying "go back" (maybe?).

 

I hope so anyway. In a good way of course.

[Diagonal]

@Tired Tiger I realize that, but she is assigning the break-up as a major part of her current emotional state. She said so. Whether that's true or not, I'm not sure.

 

Good point though.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well it certainly seems like you are willing to put the effort in which is great. I am sure if she can see this, and you manage to keep it up, it is more than likely she will be back.

 

How did she break up with you and how did you react to it? What did you think about things whilst you were in the relationship? Did you think or feel that you didn't care that much?

[Diagonal]

@Tasha1675 Feelings don't go away overnight, like you said. Maybe ex's do regret the break-up, once they've sampled life without you? Or maybe they're having other problems you just don't know about, similar to my situation.

[Diagonal]

@theshoefairy Thanks for the positive words.

 

She decided to stay at her mum's for a while for space and then told me face-to-face she wasn't coming back. My world fell apart and she saw that. I took her for granted when despite my career, money or success, it didn't mean a thing without her.

 

I love her so much and we are best friends too. I just got cosumed by a fog that distracted me and because she was soooo in love with me and into me, I took it for granted thinking she'd always be there.

 

Oh and the fact we shared a house with my brother didn't help. They hated each other and if we do get back together, we will move out.

 

Gotta dash out now, will reply later. Thanks again.

[Tasha1675]

@Tasha1675 Feelings don't go away overnight, like you said. Maybe ex's do regret the break-up, once they've sampled life without you? Or maybe they're having other problems you just don't know about, similar to my situation.

 

It certainly sounds like your ex may be having second thoughts about the break up. You showing her that you can get your act together, and her seeing this new improved version of yourself may be making her realise a few things. If you are both willing to give it another go and fix things, then why not. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you

[Tired Tiger]

Going back to the original question...

 

Ex (dumper) is taking the break-up harder than me. Why?

 

Only she can know the answer to that, but probably doesn't. How's that for a non answer?

 

On another tangent... I don't like the whole 'dumper/dumpee' label system. Sure, there's one who usually pulls the trigger on ending the relationship, but it's a fallacy that this action equates to either side's level of 'hurt' about the relationship or subsequent break up. The illusion is created by the ego, acceptance/denial, and where each is at in the process.

 

How often do we see the implication that an otherwise wonderful and loving relationship was suddenly and inexplicably put to a premature end, creating both a hapless victim and an evil, unfeeling robot? This lop-sided perception fosters negativity and hinders the understanding needed to approach a realistic reconciliation.

 

That having been said, Diagonal, it sounds like you're mostly beyond that and handling things in a positive manner. Keep it up!

[Diagonal]

Thanks guys for all the positive comments and well wishing.

 

Time will tell, I do feel she's more receptive to the idea of getting back together, but then I don't want to look too much into anything.

 

It's still early days yet, but at least if she doesn't want to get back together then I'll have done all I can and will have to move on - but be a better person in the process.

 

Thanks again,

[sparkle1607308221]

Hi guyz..

I recently broke up with my bf (in the last 2 yrs it’s the 6th time).. But now I think it’s the final one.. all the time in the past I was the one who wanted to discuss / talk (which he didn’t want to and avoided it as much as he could) and I was the one who broke up, all the 6 times.. I’ve been in a relationship with him for over 3 yrs now.

Its the same issue, was too much involved in work, other hobbies, friends and ignored me for the last 2 yrs.

 

It was always when I said lets break-up tat he would spend some time wit me, do some good things and then go back to how it was earlier.. I loved him a lot but now I think I hate him as much.

 

This time looks like he's genuinely trying.. But after 3 yrs now, I feel sooo alone..

I’m scared I won’t find anyone else or maybe even if I do I won’t be able to love them as much or even half as much because he was my first love.

 

Please advice if I should take him back, but he broke my heart soo many times that I cannot trust him again for I believe he’ll hurt me badly again.

 

I’m 25 and my biological clock is ticking..