Met a new guy...he's sweet BUT....

[Delusional Kisses]

I agreed to meet up with a new guy this past weekend. I'm trying really hard to move on from my best friend and made a New Year's Resolution to be more open to people and to dating. Just so happens that this guy asks me on New Year's Day to meet up with him when he moved back to my city. (He had moved away about a year ago). We have a mutual friend (someone that I casually dated last year actually) and since I made the resolution, I agreed. He's a nice looking guy and sweet as can be so WTH? Well, I was out in the city on Saturday night and he had just gotten a job at a local bar so I stopped in with some friends. SO...I may be just making excuses as it is what I do as a defense mechanism but I could only think of two things for the entire duration of our conversation. #1- He's my height. I am 5'3. I have only dated one guy that was even under 6'3. I've always been attracted to very tall guys and well, he was beyond short. #2- He had a soft and feminine voice. I don't even think I was listening to what he said because I could only think of that. I feel horrible for it too. he called me the very next day wanting to hang out and I told him I was busy. Should I "try" or would this be something I probably can't overlook? Am I just being shallow and petty?

[HouseKitten]

You're not being shallow. You're just not attracted to him

 

Maybe if it was just one thing putting you off it wouldn't be so bad. Like maybe the height just takes some getting used to if you've never dated a shorter guy before. But you name a couple of things and I don't the feeling that you had any chemistry with this guy.

 

You can't like everyone if he asks again, just tell him you had a nice time but you didn't feel a spark.

[j.r.c.123]

i think you need to give the guy a chance. it's still early days and you could end falling for this guy. height isn't everything. i think you should give it a go and stop worrying about how tall he is and what his voice sounds like.

[imsuperman]

I agree that perhaps he just isn't your type. When you find out for sure, just move on.

[Delusional Kisses]

Yeah. I can't help but think I'm just doing it defensively (always finding SOMETHING wrong with the guy) and I don't want to look back and think about all the missed opportunities I had because I spent years hung up on a guy that didn't want me. Maybe I will give it another chance with this guy and if I still don't feel a spark then I can move on to the next guy with next deal-breaker

[Dangerous]

Yes your shallow. He could be the best guy in the world, you may well fall madly in love with him but you just can't look past his exterior - because your shallow. Sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror and view yourself for what you are, but well done, you've done it. It seems nearly ALL girls in the 5'3 category have a taste for men 'much taller'. So yes, it is a common trait and yes, it does make you shallow.

 

By the way don't kid yourself - there's no need for a second date with this guy, no need at all. You have already psychologically convinced yourself that this male is too short and his voice sounds too much like a female or a wimp..

How can you expect this kind of man to protect YOU outside in the big, bad, crazy world?

Don't bother with him. Just keep hoping for a tall gorgeous protector. I'm sure you'll get what you want eventually - most women do and then some even regret it.

[Delusional Kisses]

I don't think I can say much more than "wow".

[imsuperman]

She just said she would give him another chance. You seemed to have taken this way too personally. Everyone, even you, is attracted to certain types of people and can't explain why. I can tell you that being bitter and hostile about it won't change it, however.

[Dangerous]

Say wow all you like. My advice to you is to NOT go for a second date with this young man. Because you are clearly not interested in him. You didn't hit it off first time (partly duo to your shallow view on his height and voice), and second time round will be no different. Ask yourself this: What right do I have to waste this sweet young guy's time?

 

A second chance?

For what? What can he possibly do with his second chance with the Queen - that could impress her enough to all of a sudden fall for him?

Grow? Develop a voice similar to Barry White?

Inform her he's an eccentric millionaire?

 

Seriously, there's no need to waste his time. All she'll get from this second 'chance' is more of the same from the first. Either accept him for who he is or be an adult enough to move on.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think I can say much more than "wow".

 

I second that!

 

BTW, I don't believe you're being shallow. If there's no spark, there's no spark, and it's better to end it before hurting the other person. We don't always feel a connection to the other person, it's nothing personal, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Delusional Kisses]

Thank you everyone for your advice. It is appreciated greatly. I like to know that there are people in this world open to listening to another person's problems and/or dilemmas without berating and judging that person based on a few words written in an on-line forum. Its hard to give advice to someone without knowing the entire story of that person's life and I appreciate your kind words of advice.

[HouseKitten]

Yes your shallow. He could be the best guy in the world, you may well fall madly in love with him but you just can't look past his exterior - because your shallow.

 

Climb off your high horse. If she was genuinely likely to be attracted to this man then she wouldn't be bothered by either his voice or his height. The fact that she isn't is not the cause but a symptom of the lack of spark.

 

People go on dates and don't see each other again all the time, because that attraction just isn't there. It is not shallow for the OP to recognise that she isn't attracted to this man. Should she go out with him again to see if her feelings are definite on the matter? Sure, why not - a second date might change how she feels. But should she feel bad if she decides it's definitely not going to go anywhere? No, of course not.

 

I highly doubt she'd 'fall madly in love with him' if she doesn't feel any sort of attraction to him.

[Malakh]

OP, in my opinion you should not be going out on a second date with him. It will be a waste of time for you and also the guy's hopes will be going up. If you want confirm about your attraction or lack there of then you can go but you have to make some sort of decision before you start leading him on.

 

On a separate note, I do think Dangerous has a point. His tone might be a bit harsh but he is telling the truth. If a guy came here and said he met a wonderful girl and everything is great about her but her boobs are a bit small then comments like "men are so shallow", "men only care about looks" will be flying around. But since the OP is a woman the shallowness magically transforms to preferences.

 

I have seen enough of this in real life and in forums and I strongly believe that physical traits matters the most when it comes to Dating. Women can talk about personality, confidence, sense of humor etc all day long but if the guy does not have certain physical traits (example, in this case - the guy is not tall) he does not stand a chance.

[jul-els]

I don't think you're shallow, but you seem to be having a dilemma when it comes to admitting you're not attracted to this guy, and it sounds like you just aren't. It doesn't have to be anything more than that. You would doing both of yourselves a favor by not peaking his interest and not wasting both your time and his.

[j.r.c.123]

don't waste your time and his. tell him you don't want to meet up. you can't get past the fact that he's your height and has a different voice to the norm. you shouldn't have agreed to date him. i think you may have given the lad false hope.

[greywolf]

It's one thing having an opinion, it's another thing delivering it in an entirely judgmental and critical way.

Are you physically attracted to every single girl that you meet? I doubt it.

 

 

 

 

Yes, if it was about a woman's breast size, some people would reply that the guy is being shallow, some would reply that everyone has preferences and that it's ok, and others would encourage him to meet her again to see if he can look past her breast size.

 

It's not any different from what you're seeing on this thread. No one has denied that physical traits matter when dating, and I will even say that it is much easier for an attractive guy to find girls to date. However, if he turns out to be an ass, he's not going to be dating any of those girls for very long.

[Malakh]

I will even say that it is much easier for an attractive guy to find girls to date. However, if he turns out to be an ass, he's not going to be dating any of those girls for very long.

 

That's the thing wolfie. An attractive guy is being given a chance. If he screws it up then it is his own fault. But the guys that are short or not attractive do not even get a chance.

 

You cannot show your skills if you are not even selected for the first round of a job interview.

[Delusional Kisses]

I believe that I had mentioned in my original post that I had dated one guy that was shorter. I'd say he was about 5'5 or 5'6. (Side note: I've only dated about ten men). I had an animal attraction to this guy. He was not your typical good-looking man. As a matter of fact, this new guy is much better looking (society-wise), but it didn't matter. I was initially super attracted to him. I guess part of me wonder if that is always the case. Were you initially very attracted to your SO?

Also, in regards to attractiveness, I'd hardly fall into the category of being a beautiful woman nor have I ever been attracted to a man that fell into society's opinion of attractiveness. My BFF that I compare every man too (unfortunately) is 6'5, 340 pounds and resembles Grizzly Adams for lack of a better description...and I think he is perfect.

[j.r.c.123]

go for you bff then!

[Malakh]

There is nothing wrong in you wanting guys that are tall. If you do not like this guy because he is short let him go. If you are into guys that are tall go for it.

[lady_deer]

It is true that we should never judge a book by its cover. Afterall, this guy might not fall into her physical norm, but he may actually treat her much better than someone who does. However, we cannot deny that physical attraction plays a HUGE part in our choice to date someone. Especially in sexual relationships.

 

In this case, I'd say spend time with this man and get to know HIM. His height is no indication of the kind of man he is. You have already said that he is a sweet guy. I'd say that is worth much more than his height or the sound of his voice. But, if you think you cannot get past these physical attributes, dont waste his time.

[j.r.c.123]

i agree lady deer. the op is wasting her time and his by not giving him a straight answer. she needs to tell him straight up that he's not her type. it's a shame you couldn't give the guy a chance as he sounds like a decent bloke other than that. if you got to know him better you may have found him to be an amazing guy.

[Delusional Kisses]

This is why I came here and posted...for advice. I haven't wasted his time. I just met him two days ago. I was posting the thoughts in my head and hoping for some feedback on how I was feeling about it. I didn't say I was repulsed by him. I stated that I noticed those two things and was asking if people here thought those were things that maybe I could look past...just getting opinions really. My opinion was that he was a sweet guy...wouldn't everyone think that? Probably not..for instance, he used the word sodomy four times in our 30 minute conversation. That would have been a deal-breaker for lots of people, right?

[drewciouS281]

Those people on here who are bashing you because of you being picky, well lets just say, they are probably the ones that get left out.

 

As for my opinion, someone may be sweet and attractive but if there are certain traits of them you cant look past, than you gotta say NEXT. If it bothers you from the start and your not even dating, imagine how much worse its gonna get down the road. There is nothing wrong with being picky. I dont like the term shallow. Shallow to me is someone who is cold and rude to people thier not attracted too. Picky to me means you can still be nice and cordial to people your not attracted to but you just wouldnt date them.

 

I wouldnt persue the guy. stick with what you like. hell, im so picky if a girl has a mole in a odd place or she has no curves, i wont date her. Its not shallow, its just that i have standards and its what i prefer for me. I prefer women who are toned and in shape and short.

[jul-els]

This is why I came here and posted...for advice. I haven't wasted his time. I just met him two days ago. I was posting the thoughts in my head and hoping for some feedback on how I was feeling about it. I didn't say I was repulsed by him. I stated that I noticed those two things and was asking if people here thought those were things that maybe I could look past...just getting opinions really. My opinion was that he was a sweet guy...wouldn't everyone think that? Probably not..for instance, he used the word sodomy four times in our 30 minute conversation. That would have been a deal-breaker for lots of people, right?

 

Depends on how hot she was. Is it a deal breaker for you? That's what matters. Only you can know. From the sound of what you're saying I think your just not into this guy. That's okay. Plenty more where that came from. Just follow your gut and cut him loose.