A Revised Letter To My Ex...

[WadeCure]

I revised my letter, I may actually send this one:

 

 

[woopsydaisy]

Hey...its a good letter very positive and honest...i think it gives her a complete rundown of how you feel.I think she should be able to understand..and it opens for doors to maybe open in the future if you are both ready.

[WadeCure]

Hey thanks,

 

Anyway I'm not sure if I should send the letter or not. I mean I need closure so bloody bad. For me to send the letter I think I would get that closure, simply because I said in the letter "I'm letting you go."

 

That means I told her to her that I'm letting her go. That means I basically forced myself to let her go.

[woopsydaisy]

I wrote a letter to my ex which was like yours in many ways...i sent it .i dont regret it ..im glad that she knows how i truly feel..and she could understand.I think it helped her and it helped me.You may get a reply you may not ..i think you may work in your favour.

[ForAnother]

I wanted to say that that is one of the better letters I have read that have been on this sight. A few sentences are redundant, but it sounds good. I like it because you are being strong at the same time, and not trying to make her feel guilty. You honestly do think about what is best for you, and not some way to get her back. I like that in your letter.

 

i would say send it. I think it will do yourself some good

 

ForAnother

[tylercdurden2004]

That is a very good letter, probably the best thing you can do. You were very honest and open and direct. I dont know your situation so I cant imagine the effect it will have on her. But being civil, open and direct is what I think women respect. Funny when your in a relationship its seems so hard as a guy to communicate but when hit with a break up men become so eloquent in their prose. I broke up with my GF of 1 year on SUnday. We were in a long distance relationship but saw each other for a good periods of time every two months or so, we also had spent time in the same city at the start of our relationship it was strong but we are at different stages in life and she is just starting uni and needs to do things for herself. i sent her a similar letter. Guess what she sent me an email back and it was so beautiful. Just like she is. SHe thanked me for showing her the beauty of life, for considering he one of my best friends and that she hopes to one day see me again. She talked about how she needs to settle down in her uni town for now. I know she neeeds to do things on her own and you your right this will help us move on or it will strengthen our relationship in the future. I am going travelling for another year of so, so to be in a relationship is too much for both of us now and she just has to do things on her own. Send the letter and move on, one day she may say hey what was I thinking and depending on where you are in life will dictate what happens.

 

Cheers

[WadeCure]

It is amazing the replies that I get from this forum and on another forum. I'm totally lost in what to do as far as sending the letter. Everyone here says that I did an awesome and eloquent speech and that I showed amazing strength in my letter, while the other forum believes that I'm harboring hopes that someday we will get back together and ultimately cause myself more harm. You know, my therapist and I have discussed a plan A and plan B.

 

The plan A is getting her back, and plan B is getting over her. So far I've been doing plan B, getting over her, not speaking to her, initiating no contact. But a part of me thinks this girl is so wonderful that I don't want to give up plan A. I have never clicked with anyone, male or female, as much as I have this girl in the short span we went out.

 

The more I think about it, I think this letter accomplishes both plan A and plan B. This will get her at ease with me and if she wanted to come back, she wouldn't be afraid to initiate, which accomplishes plan A. This also accomplishes plan B in that I'm telling her I'm letting her go, thereby allowing myself to basically force myself to think about other things and work on the aspects in my life that need repair as mentioned in the letter.

 

My therapist told me to write her, while the "He's Scared, She's Scared" commitment phobia book told me to initiate no contact and move on. So yea, I'm very conflicted. This forum says "go" the link removed forum says "stop"

 

My friends say let her go and Joni's friend says "you may reconcile."

 

What do you think?

[sweetharmony]

i would say send the letter. it shows that you out a lot of thought into your feelings, but that you are moving on at the same time. i think that sending it will be closure, bc it shows you are moving on but you are also leaving room for the possibility of a reconciliation. the letter indicates that you are very strong and it seems like closure. as with the no contact rule. i don't think it always works. Looking back on exes that I have borken up with and wanted to get back together. I am often too scared to initiate contact even though I broke it off. i think sometimes we need to take risks, because even if you break up w/ someone and time goes by and you want to reconcile, it is difficult for both parties. either person may be afraid to initiate contact. i just broke up with my ex and thinking i may have made the wrong decision, but I'm too afraid to call him for fear that he may not take me seriously again. not sure of my feelings but decided our break-up was best for now.

 

i think we need to be honest with others and really tell them how we feel- we don't do that often enough. baggage and burns from past relationships cause us to out up walls. i can relate. it's difficult for me to let anyone close so fast.

 

send the letter. you will feel much better that you did. even if she doesn't respons, at least you will have made your intentions honest and clear and you leave it in her court. if you don't send the letter, i think you may regret not sharing your feelings. life is about risk. sometimes, we need to wear our hearts on our sleeves. rejection is tough, but inevitable.

[WadeCure]

Well, I'm about moments away from sending the letter via e-mail to Joni. Having said that, if anyone has any legitimate objection to me sending this mail, thinking that my letter may do more harm than good, please speak now. Otherwise I'm sending it tonight at 10:00pm EST and never looking back.

 

Thank you all very much for your help and assistance and I hope I'm making the right choice. I hope that, in case she replies negatively, that I can truly move on. I'll post any updates here.

[WadeCure]

I just sent the letter to Joni via e-mail. Thank you all so very much for your wonderful help. Please keep me in your prayers because I'm afraid that I may have made a mistake. I have faith in God that whatever happens is for the best. If something happens, I will post here as an update. Thank you again.

[spaceandtime]

That's a really good letter. I wish I could write something like that - so civil, philosophical and not manipulative. My letter seems to be just dominated by RAGE and ANGER and RESENTMENT.

 

Perhaps you could open a 'Diplomatic Closure Letter' business.

 

Well done. Good luck with everything....

[Rainswept]

I normally don't suggest writing letters...Strangely However..your letter is different than the norm....I think sending the letter will help you in the long run...Her understanding takes a backseat in this ...its more important you say what you have to say..so it don't eat you alive.

 

Well done, I am proud of you , expecially the part where you weren't looking to get back together.....That will put more validity in your letter...

 

~Rainswept

[WadeCure]

Ugh... well the e-mail bounced. I suppose her yahoo address got disabled, she rarely checks it. I now have two options:

 

1) find her snail mail address using her phone number

2) give to her friend Brooke to give to Joni (and I rarely see her)

3) ask Joni for her e-mail address in a cell phone text message (big risk)

 

Thanks for the kind words... what should I do?

[deebee]

Good letter - very similar to my own situation: fell in love fast, both clicked in a way we haven't before, but five months later she finished it in a way that seemed odd to me. So I have an idea of how you might be feeling.

 

Without realising it, I initiated No Contact after the break-up. To start with, I really wanted to tell her how the break made me feel, how wrong I thought she was, how we could work it out etc. I thought I would write this down in a letter. But I decided not to do it.

 

I realised that she had made up her mind and nothing I could say or do would change it. Any contact would only confuse things and cause me (and her) pain. There was no going back, we could never get back what we once had. I too find it very difficult to consider even talking to her at the moment - seeing her would be worse (especially with someone else). She hasn't contacted me either. What could we say?!

 

So unless you really do want to get back with her (is it realistic?), I would say that the only benefit of the letter is to get things off your chest and move on (which you acknowledge in the last paragraph). Which is kind of what you have done by sharing it with the forum. Maybe that will be enough? I don't know enough about your situation and you must do what feels right.

 

We may never get the 'closure' we are looking for until we accept the other person has fallen out of love with us and moved on. We should do the same, even if it is painful! Just takes time I guess...

[deebee]

Just remembered that this song exactly described how I felt and helped me realise how I felt and what I had to do. I first heard it two weeks after my break up. I wanted to tell my ex that this is how it felt! I hope she has heard it.

 

The Streets are a UK group and this is on their new album A Grand Don't Come For Free. The verses are spoken and the chorus is sung.

 

THE STREETS

 

"Dry Your Eyes"

 

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round

I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground

Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down

World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown

Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us

I can change and I can grow or we could adjust

The wicked thing about us is we always have trust

We can even have an open relationship, if you must

I look at her she stares almost straight back at me

But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me

Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity

When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

 

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

 

So then I move my hand up from down by my side

It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes

Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies

Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh

‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me

There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’

It weren't supposed to be easy, surely

Please, please, I beg you please

She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested

She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with

She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures

By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

 

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

 

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word

‘Cause everythin’s just gone

I’ve got nothin’

Absolutely nothin’

 

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation

Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’

Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in

Look into her eyes to make her listen again

I’m not gonna f***in’, just f***in’ leave it all now

‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow

And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down

You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town

She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist

Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight

Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face

Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

 

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

 

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say

Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight

But the more I pull on your hand and say

The more you pull away

 

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now.

[WadeCure]

Thanks deebee,

 

Appropriate song for the situation. Anyway, what should I do about the problem I listed previously? I resent the e-mail to her and this time it didn't bounce yet but you know how sometimes they may still not get it. Soooo...

 

should i...

 

1) find her snail mail address using her phone number

2) give to her friend Brooke to give to Joni (and I rarely see her)

3) ask Joni for her e-mail address in a cell phone text message (big risk)

[deebee]

Well, you've sent the e-mail now and it didn't get bounced back, so assume it has arrived. If you have to be sure that she gets it, then get hold of her postal address (why don't you know what it is?!). She may never read it though, which goes back to my question about why you want to achieve by sending it in the first place.

 

Re-reading the letter, it seems clear you do not want to get back together with her but simply want to explain how the situation has made you feel and the high esteem you still have for her. Are you really sure you wouldn't get back with her if she phoned now and said it had been a mistake?! There are times when I have felt like this. But it doesn't stack up with the reality. She broke up with you, it's not something that's done lightly.

 

You may never be happy about the way it ended (I'm certainly not in my case), but I think you just have to accept it and move on. From my point of view, not contacting her at all has been painful, but seems to offer the best way to accept the situation, avoid complication and confusion and to start again. I was the one who still in love when it ended - it's difficult to fall out of love again. But I am slowly feeling better about things.

[WadeCure]

I'm very positive that if she phoned now, I would decline the request.

 

My purpose for sending the letter is to get closure for myself I think. I feel like I'm in a gray area, sending this letter will allow me to close the door.

 

But yea, I agree. I'm just going to leave it at that since it didn't bounce back and assume she got it. I may give the letter to Brooke to give to her just in case she tells Brooke she got no letter.

 

Plus I feel like a jerk for the way I reacted to her dumping me, for not contacting her, she has major low self esteem and anxiety. Reading the book "He's Scared, She's Scared," it's clear to me that she had commitment phobia and things moved too fast. Not to say I flew off on her, it was just the melodramatic way I went about it. This is sort of a 'no hard feelings' deal

 

Thanks for your advice

[Rainswept]

Hey buddy

 

 

Just wondering what happened?, I was rooting for ya

[Brandell]

Questions:

 

How long has it been since you saw her?

How long has it been since you talked to her (phone/text etc.)

Do you have any idea what she is doing at the moment or if she is with someone else?

 

Just curious. I am in a similar position to you thinking of sending a letter.