What is wrong with me?

[John Jones]

Okay, I just feel the need to vent to a bunch of complete strangers about this. Thank gawd for the internet, hey?

 

Background - I'm a young male. A while back I moved to another city in order to start a job. Prior to this, I hadn't had a single relationship with a woman. So, not only a virgin, but inexperienced at absolutely everything.

 

Starting the job, I met a woman whom I fancied. Smart, funny, sexy, she had everything. The only downside is that she's around fifteen years older than I am. Also, she doesn't seem interested.

 

Well, turns out I was wrong. We get to be good friends, I go to her house one night, and, well... One things leads to another. And again another night. And again another night.

 

I tell the woman (let's call her Lisa) that I think I'm falling in love with her. She tells me that we could never have a real relationship together, and that it was 'just sex'.

 

I move on.

 

I meet a wonderful girl of my age, we have a whirlwind romance, and get engaged. Unfortunately, this woman (let's call her Sara) had to leave me for a short while to go on a trip with friends. During her absense, what did I do?

 

Yup. Slept with Lisa again. Three times.

 

I know - I'm the lowest of the low.

 

Sara's back now, and the wedding plans continue apace. She's claims to be totally in love with me, and says she's really happy now she's with me. And I'm happy, too - she's great.

 

But why can't I stop thinking about Lisa?

 

Lisa knows I'm engaged to this woman, and yet is willing to continue a sexual relationship with me. Heck, she's even expressed a willingness for us to have a 'proper' relationship (despite the age gap) if it weren't for Sara.

 

Perhaps it's time to change jobs and leave the country.

 

Advice would be most welcome.

[Daeralic]

Okay first off. I have friends who aren't virgins. It might be the "first time" syndrome you're feeling. Most people often find themselves going crazy for the first person they sleep with. It's expected and happens ALOT!! Just ask yourself this. Do you want to be with "sara" or "lisa"? And keep sex out of the question. Maybe lisa is better in bed and that's why you feel like this. Maybe it's cause you wanted her so bad. Not to mention lots of people often find an adrenaline rush and excitement from cheating or being with someone who is cheating. Maybe she wants you now that she can't have you whenever she wants. If it is one of the above then leaving "sara" may end becoming the worst decision of your life down the road with "Lisa". Is isn't my place to tell you so don't go out and just do something based on one person like me. Who do you want to be with when there is no sex involved? And who are you willing to hurt to be with that person? "Lisa" might be hurt because she really did want a relationship but only now realizes she only had a chance then. But "Sara" will be hurt because you said you loved her and went with someone else. Tough choice but it needs to be made. One or the other is the only way things like this work

[John Jones]

Thanks for replying. Your advice is sound, and something I'll have to think very carefully about.

 

One issue that's concerning me at the moment is, assuming I stay with Sara, do I tell her about the affair? I know for a fact that it would break her heart if she found out.

 

So, is it better to try to forget the whole thing, or to confess everything?

 

Thanks in advance.

[goodquestion]

don't keep lies man, never ... never hides things, it will come back to haunt you ... if you were engaged to sara when you cheated, you need to tell her ... cut lisa off, and forget about her, i think she's playing you ...

[winkybear]

yes, like the post above.I dun think that u can forget about it .it will come back to u .Things would be worse the longer u keep this from her, especially since ur going to get married soon . honesty when ur in a relationship,man. it can only work that way...

[tiger_lilies]

You should confess your infidelity to Sara. Be prepared for her to leave you. I predict that if you go ahead with this marriage, then the chances of you cheating on her again in the future are higher. Just my opinion since I don't have a very high regard for cheaters. You didn't just have sex with Lisa once, but 3 times!!! while you were engaged with Sara. What were you thinking? Not about Sara I'll bet. You were thinking only about yourself. This is not the right mind set to have for marriage.

 

Take a step back and stop things with both ladies. Sara is the victim in this whole messed up situation and she doesn't deserve the pain you are putting her through. She deserves to know the truth about you.

 

I apologize if I sound harsh, but I too have been a victim of infidelity and my heart goes out to Sara.

[headbanger]

Tell her, but yeah, you have to be prepared for the worst, she will probably drop you (I would drop anybody who cheated). If you are able t keep her then next time if your thinking of cheating why don't you turn it around and think of Sara cheating on you and how misserable that would be of her to do to you and make you feel like everything she has told you means crap. Your HER FIANCE who she should trust and love, her heart she has placed in your hands . I too have no tolerance for cheating (the trust stops totally after an affair). At least for me.

[Francis]

It is unfortunate that you allow the old b... to interfere with your new relationship. You must understand that you do not love Lisa, you are only sexually attached to her. It happen to me too with my last bf. I fell in love with him, disregarding some warning signs that he is a liar and probably a cheater, he has no values. When you went back to her for sex, it is not the real you that went back to her, but a primitive, animal and instinctual part of you. Don't worry about your remembering her, when you get sexually attached to Sarah, you will forget that b...

 

If you really love Sarah you should stick to her side and never cheat on her again. Every time you think about the other, think that it is only an instinctual attachment. However you must learn to control your instincts. For instance, let's say you're hungry and have no money. When you pass in front of a pastry shop or something, your instinct will tell you to steal, but you will certainly control your instinct for you don't want to get in trouble with the law. Here is the same thing.

 

I don't know whether you should tell Sarah, because she will probably break off the relationship. Do you truly love her? Are you sure you will never cheat on her again? If you have doubts, then may be you are not man enough to get involved in a committed relationship such as marriage.

 

Good luck!

[Francis]

CORRECTION : For my last posting

 

I wanted to say : "may be you are not mature enough to" not "man enough".

 

Sorry!!!!