Confused on what to do...

[jjkalai]

So my ex of two years broke up with me about 12 days ago. We initiated NC about a week ago. I'm feeling the urge to call her, so I text her friend (who's also my good friend) to tell me to stop it! She tells me that it's only gonna make it worse. She also told me that she's already seeing someone new. I have to courage to ask if she's really into him, and i get a text back saying "she actually is". It broke my heart. She also told me that she'll contact me when she's ready she told her. I then asked her "but if she's already over me, and dating someone new (long distance) what do we have to talk about?". She replied, "to give you closure".

 

I'm in an emotional mess now and I need some advice on what to do next =/

[waveseer]

Is there any chance that this friend likes you? The reason I ask is that you automatically assumed that she was an authority on your ex. What she said is exactly what someone would say who wanted you for themselves or wanted revenge on their friend or was so jealous of their friend they wanted to wreck their relationship.

[DaveTrump]

Hi,

 

Sorry to hear about the break up.

 

Why did she end the relationship?

[jjkalai]

Why did she end the relationship?

 

We ended the relationship because we had some issues like trust and commitment.

 

Is there any chance that this friend likes you? The reason I ask is that you automatically assumed that she was an authority on your ex. What she said is exactly what someone would say who wanted you for themselves or wanted revenge on their friend or was so jealous of their friend they wanted to wreck their relationship.

 

No, I don't think she likes me. She has never showed any interest at all...

[DaveTrump]

We ended the relationship because we had some issues like trust and commitment.

 

 

 

No, I don't think she likes me. She has never showed any interest at all...

 

was either of you unfaithful in the past?

[jjkalai]

was either of you unfaithful in the past?

 

We both never cheated with each other. Especially her. I remember her telling me that she'll never cheat on me and has never cheated on anyone...

[DaveTrump]

We both never cheated with each other. Especially her. I remember her telling me that she'll never cheat on me and has never cheated on anyone...

 

So why split over trust issues?

 

Did she instigate all the arguments leading up to the split? Was she finding faults in you and the relationship in general. Distancing herself and acting differently?

[jjkalai]

So why split over trust issues?

 

Did she instigate all the arguments leading up to the split? Was she finding faults in you and the relationship in general. Distancing herself and acting differently?

 

No, she instigated all the arguments... she didn't like how somethings were going on in our relationship. My ex ex emailed me on how I was doing and I sent her an email back trying to get closure since I don't think she's fully over me. My ex has always hated this ex ex and I told her that I don't have feelings at all for her.

 

That was pretty much the final straw...

 

I've gotten over the grieving and I hopefully want to work things out with her. I still miss her.

 

This friend that told me she's really into this guy, said that it's kind of "a whatever happens, happens" relationship.

I'm just wondering on what to do on the day she calls me...

Should I suggest to meet up with her to talk?

What would I say?

[DaveTrump]

No, she instigated all the arguments... she didn't like how somethings were going on in our relationship. My ex ex emailed me on how I was doing and I sent her an email back trying to get closure since I don't think she's fully over me. My ex has always hated this ex ex and I told her that I don't have feelings at all for her.

 

That was pretty much the final straw...

 

I've gotten over the grieving and I hopefully want to work things out with her. I still miss her.

 

This friend that told me she's really into this guy, said that it's kind of "a whatever happens, happens" relationship.

I'm just wondering on what to do on the day she calls me...

Should I suggest to meet up with her to talk?

What would I say?

 

over the grieving after 12 days? That's pretty swift.

 

I'd drop the contact with her/your friend. For your ex feeling the need to call you and give you closure is not something I would entertain.

 

Do you really want her to call you and break your heart over the phone. Tell your mutual friend that you don't need a call for closure because you are fine. Wish her all the very best for the future and cruise into NC. You can also tell your ex that you want NC so you can heal and move on with your life.

 

She'll respect that and it may leave the door open for future reconciliation, if that's the way it is meant to be.

[jjkalai]

over the grieving after 12 days? That's pretty swift.

 

I'd drop the contact with her/your friend. For your ex feeling the need to call you and give you closure is not something I would entertain.

 

Do you really want her to call you and break your heart over the phone. Tell your mutual friend that you don't need a call for closure because you are fine. Wish her all the very best for the future and cruise into NC. You can also tell your ex that you want NC so you can heal and move on with your life.

 

She'll respect that and it may leave the door open for future reconciliation, if that's the way it is meant to be.

 

I feel like I should give it at least one more shot. Maybe take her somewhere to talk. Remind her of our past positive memories. Telling her that I've changed and hopefully she'll see it. Maybe pick out her favorite flower and give it to her (which shows that I know her better than anyone else)...

[DaveTrump]

I feel like I should give it at least one more shot. Maybe take her somewhere to talk. Remind her of our past positive memories. Telling her that I've changed and hopefully she'll see it. Maybe pick out her favorite flower and give it to her (which shows that I know her better than anyone else)...

 

By all means fight for her and the love you had. But it is the past you are holding onto. It's sweet but maybe things need to be re written for them to work again in the future. A new foundation laid after having some time apart.

 

Reminiscing and such is not going to sway her. She is with someone new and probably easing herself into the honeymoon phase. (Sorry)

 

Attempts of reconciliation after 12 days apart and while she is seeing someone new is not going to work. That being said, you have my support and I understand why you feel you need to do it. You're in shock. In a bit of a panic and trying to grasp at something called hope.

 

If you really want her back, then leave her alone. I know it goes against all those feelings inside, but that's just shock response. Coming accross as desperate is not going to do you any favours.

 

You'll have a much better chance of getting together again if you go NC.

 

Best of luck. Keep me posted.

 

DT

[jjkalai]

So my best chances of getting her back would be to leave her alone? even when she calls me? why would this be?

[DaveTrump]

So my best chances of getting her back would be to leave her alone? even when she calls me? why would this be?

 

She is with someone else now. You need time to get over what you been through and learn from where and why it went wrong. This will help you grow as a person and bring more to the next relationship you have or if you do reconcile down the road.

 

Like I said a couple of posts ago. If she contacts you or otherwise let her know you need to go NC to heal and move on.

 

Make sure you wish her all the very best for the future. Leave it at that and get on with your life. If things with the rebound fail, then she will be back. Generally it's only a matter of time... unless by chance she found her soul mate in a rebound (LOL)

 

Use the time apart to your advantage so if she does come back you will be more than ready.

 

It's so important you lose contact with the mutual friend as you're just giving the impression you're hanging around waiting for her. This will not do you any favours and may make her angry with you and thus negate any chance of future romance together.

[DaveTrump]

So my best chances of getting her back would be to leave her alone? even when she calls me? why would this be?

 

She is with someone else now. You need time to get over what you been through and learn from where and why it went wrong. This will help you grow as a person and bring more to the next relationship you have or if you do reconcile down the road.

 

Like I said a couple of posts ago. If she contacts you or otherwise let her know you need to go NC to heal and move on.

 

Make sure you wish her all the very best for the future. Leave it at that and get on with your life. If things with the rebound fail, then she will be back. Generally it's only a matter of time... unless by chance she found her soul mate in a rebound (LOL)

 

Use the time apart to your advantage so if she does come back you will be more than ready.

 

It's so important you lose contact with the mutual friend as you're just giving the impression you're hanging around waiting for her. This will not do you any favours and may make her angry with you and thus negate any chance of future romance together.

[jjkalai]

She is with someone else now. You need time to get over what you been through and learn from where and why it went wrong. This will help you grow as a person and bring more to the next relationship you have or if you do reconcile down the road.

 

Like I said a couple of posts ago. If she contacts you or otherwise let her know you need to go NC to heal and move on.

 

Make sure you wish her all the very best for the future. Leave it at that and get on with your life. If things with the rebound fail, then she will be back. Generally it's only a matter of time... unless by chance she found her soul mate in a rebound (LOL)

 

Why do you think she'll come back to me if and when the relationship with that rebound fails? I don't think they are even a couple... It's in a whatever happens, happens kind of thing.

 

I know I'm clinging onto hope and it really sucks...

[jjkalai]

She is with someone else now. You need time to get over what you been through and learn from where and why it went wrong. This will help you grow as a person and bring more to the next relationship you have or if you do reconcile down the road.

 

Like I said a couple of posts ago. If she contacts you or otherwise let her know you need to go NC to heal and move on.

 

Make sure you wish her all the very best for the future. Leave it at that and get on with your life. If things with the rebound fail, then she will be back. Generally it's only a matter of time... unless by chance she found her soul mate in a rebound (LOL)

 

Why do you think she'll come back to me if and when the relationship with that rebound fails? I don't think they are even a couple... It's in a whatever happens, happens kind of thing.

 

I know I'm clinging onto hope and it really sucks...

[Weaksoss]

If you try to get back together the way you want now, she will see you as clingy and feel pressured. No one likes that. I still love (mind you not in love) my ex ex, but his attempts to try to push me back in to a relationship have just put me off.

 

Don't look to her for closure, be strong and focus on healing. After 12 days of NC she's still going to associate you with negative emotions, and you are still hurt and in a bad place. Give yourself more time to heal and improve your life without her. It takes accepting that what you had is over.

 

If her rebound fails and if she ever does want you back, she's not going to want you with that attitude. She won't be impressed by your love for her, she'll just feel alienated. She'd want you to be in a strong, healthy, and independent place emotionally. When you do get there, it won't matter so much if you do or don't get back together.

 

Hope is a sucky thing, I know it, but your happyness does not depend on her. Change is good, but do it for you. That way you can have better relationships in the future, be it with her again or with someone else.

[Weaksoss]

If you try to get back together the way you want now, she will see you as clingy and feel pressured. No one likes that. I still love (mind you not in love) my ex ex, but his attempts to try to push me back in to a relationship have just put me off.

 

Don't look to her for closure, be strong and focus on healing. After 12 days of NC she's still going to associate you with negative emotions, and you are still hurt and in a bad place. Give yourself more time to heal and improve your life without her. It takes accepting that what you had is over.

 

If her rebound fails and if she ever does want you back, she's not going to want you with that attitude. She won't be impressed by your love for her, she'll just feel alienated. She'd want you to be in a strong, healthy, and independent place emotionally. When you do get there, it won't matter so much if you do or don't get back together.

 

Hope is a sucky thing, I know it, but your happyness does not depend on her. Change is good, but do it for you. That way you can have better relationships in the future, be it with her again or with someone else.

[iBroken]

I feel like I should give it at least one more shot. Maybe take her somewhere to talk. Remind her of our past positive memories. Telling her that I've changed and hopefully she'll see it. Maybe pick out her favorite flower and give it to her (which shows that I know her better than anyone else)...

 

Sorry to be so blunt but this plan of yours will not work for a few reasons.

 

First of all (and this is the most important piece here), she is with someone else. As DaveTrump said, she is still in the honeymoon phase with the new guy. Buying her her favorite flower to show you know her well isnt going to win her back. Anyone will know what her favorite flower is once she tells them.

 

Secondly, no one really changes after 12 days. Sure, things are different but that is because you are no longer a couple. In order for change to take place and STICK, you need alot of time on your own. You wont be a different person overnight.

 

You are in the begging/pleading stage right now and you need to save yourself and skip this process all together. Go NC and focus on fixing yourself. No one knows if your ex will come back to you during or after she breaks up with the new guy. Maybe she will never let him go, maybe she will in a week, maybe she will in 4 months. You cant predict the future.

 

Besides, do you really want your GF back now that she has been with someone else? Really, sit back and ask if you are worthy of being her back up, or sloppy seconds. Im not trying to be blunt, Im just trying to get you to stop focusing on the small picture and take a step back and look at the big picture.

 

Trust issues are very hard to overcome. How would the relationship be better the next time around? Where will the trust be when you look in her eyes and see her with the guy she is with now? It will all come back to haunt you.

 

For YOU, take a step back, enter NC and begin your healing process. Then, IF she does decide to come back, you will have time to look at things as an outsider and who knows, this relationship might not be what you want after all.

 

Good luck

[iBroken]

I feel like I should give it at least one more shot. Maybe take her somewhere to talk. Remind her of our past positive memories. Telling her that I've changed and hopefully she'll see it. Maybe pick out her favorite flower and give it to her (which shows that I know her better than anyone else)...

 

Sorry to be so blunt but this plan of yours will not work for a few reasons.

 

First of all (and this is the most important piece here), she is with someone else. As DaveTrump said, she is still in the honeymoon phase with the new guy. Buying her her favorite flower to show you know her well isnt going to win her back. Anyone will know what her favorite flower is once she tells them.

 

Secondly, no one really changes after 12 days. Sure, things are different but that is because you are no longer a couple. In order for change to take place and STICK, you need alot of time on your own. You wont be a different person overnight.

 

You are in the begging/pleading stage right now and you need to save yourself and skip this process all together. Go NC and focus on fixing yourself. No one knows if your ex will come back to you during or after she breaks up with the new guy. Maybe she will never let him go, maybe she will in a week, maybe she will in 4 months. You cant predict the future.

 

Besides, do you really want your GF back now that she has been with someone else? Really, sit back and ask if you are worthy of being her back up, or sloppy seconds. Im not trying to be blunt, Im just trying to get you to stop focusing on the small picture and take a step back and look at the big picture.

 

Trust issues are very hard to overcome. How would the relationship be better the next time around? Where will the trust be when you look in her eyes and see her with the guy she is with now? It will all come back to haunt you.

 

For YOU, take a step back, enter NC and begin your healing process. Then, IF she does decide to come back, you will have time to look at things as an outsider and who knows, this relationship might not be what you want after all.

 

Good luck

[DaveTrump]

Why do you think she'll come back to me if and when the relationship with that rebound fails? I don't think they are even a couple... It's in a whatever happens, happens kind of thing.

 

I know I'm clinging onto hope and it really sucks...

 

Take a step back for your own sake. Go do something else and focus on getting your head together. You're not in a good place right now and making advances towards her is eventually going to make you look repulsive to her while she is with this new guy.

 

Rebounders tend to panic when it goes wrong for them and immediately veer towards what they left behind (i.e. you). Whether they are a couple or not is irrelevant. The rebound is doing his job just fine in whatever shape or capactiy. This isn't your concern though.

 

Your concern is going NC and healing, wishing her the best for the future and leaving them to it with your dignity in tact.

 

That will give her the impression that you are not the needy person that she thinks you are right now.

 

This is all for you so make the most of it and good things will come to you in time.

[jjkalai]

Do you guys think that this is really a rebound only after a day? She says she's completely over our almost two year relationship, and already moved on.

 

Is that possible?

Or is this new guy a distraction to her pain of our break-up?

[nakata97]

My experience

 

My GF broke up wif me for almost 5 months le. In the first few months, I've been sending her SMS, writing her letters, making gifts and so on but nothing works. It's just make her feel paranoid as she feels I am pestering her.

 

I read from "those win your ex back books" and it says that we should have at least of NC for 1 month. After that, you call her and asked her out. If she didn't reply, then call again a few days later. If the second attempt fails, then initiate NC again and wait for 1 more month.

 

If she answer your call, then you got to talk about something happy and then ask her out for a short lunch or coffee and leave an hour later. Don't talk anything about your problems unless she brings it up.

 

Then you call her again another time and ask her out for a longer date with more activities.

 

In the meanwhile, we should keep ourselves fit and change whatever can be changed like clothes, any skin problems. Also re-think about the problems between you and your ex and find solutions for those problems.

 

Been in NC since the start of the year, and I hope it works this time and that it will work for you also.

[jjkalai]

How did the NC go for the first few months? Did you and your ex go out?

 

The thing that I'm worried is that when she calls me... She's gonna want closure and probably talk about it.

What should I do?

[jjkalai]

also, they've only been together dating physically for a week. I really don't even think they are a "couple" yet. She's over here in Nevada and he's over in Hawaii... She's heading to Hawaii in late march I think for spring break...

 

What if she wants to talk about closure? What should I say?