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[heatspreader]

What is the purpose of a journal anyways? To go back and read what you wrote, to try and sort out your feelings? I'm not sure, I wrote a journal once before, but it did nothing. Today was a pretty stressful day. Because of me my grandma's credit will be ruined. She cosigned on an ATV for me, and I couldn't pay the bill because I lost my job and interest DOUBLED. They can take it back but it will still greatly affect her. What kind of grandson am I anyways? I seem like a piece of scum when I think about it.

 

Tomorrow marks exactly one year since my grandpa passed away. All kinds of memories and emotions swim through my head. It was a horrible night. It doesn't even seem like it's been that long. It's sometimes still hard to believe I will never talk to him again. I resent myself for arguing with him so much. He did a lot for this family. I had a dream not long after, in the dream I knew he was gone, but I was talking to him, he was wondering where his stuff went to, and I told him I wish he was still here. It seemed oddly realistic, unlike my other crazy dreams. In each dream he was in after that I did not acknowledge that he was gone. It was almost like he was trying to talk to me in that first one.

 

I just want to be left in my thoughts. We had to go look at a house today, at first I was excited because I've been wanting to move, but then I remembered everything. My mother kept asking me what I thought but my mind was elsewhere. I have to make a decision by the time she gets home from work tomorrow. I don't want to worry about it right now.

[heatspreader]

I am in such a crappy mood right now you wouldn't believe it. I can't breath very good and I can't sleep at all. I have to set up or else I start coughing and wheezing really bad. Trying to sleep like this is driving me crazy. I keep sliding down the wall and it all starts again and I wake up. Sleeping in my computer chair is way too uncomfortable and I refuse to sleep downstairs. I guess I'll just have to suffer.