She's threatening suicide if I don't do this

[cha0s]

Hi,

 

This is my first time posting here, and I don't know if it'll be any good. But I figured that I'd try and ask for advice.

 

I've been in a relationship with a girl for 10 months, and for the past 3-4 months it's been going really badly. We often fight, break up, and get back together, and it's almost getting to the point of being unbearable. The thing is that she often asks things of me that are very unreasonable, I think as a way to assert some control over me. If I don't comply, she goes ape.

 

Most recent example, I have an interview for a summer internship with a very big computer company (think on the level of IBM, Microsoft, Intel). It's basically my dream job, pays very well, and I have recommendations from some very powerful and influential people in the field. I think that if I get it, it's a good chance that my career will be set for life.

 

She wants me to give up the internship, and is threatening to kill herself if I do not. I think that's crazy, except that I'm afraid that she's serious. She basically only wants to do this only as a way to control me (she stands to gain nothing from me not working this summer, in fact she would be hurting herself too - she always complains that I don't have any money, and this internship would pay very well, so I would have money to spend on her.) I do not want to ruin my future career (I graduate next year and really need this internship), but I don't want to be responsible for her suicide.

 

I foolishly promised to her that I would give it up, because it was the only way I could convince her to not take her life. However, I would rather lose this already ruined relationship than screw up my future. But I am afraid that she will kill herself - I know that she has attempted to do so in the past. Plus, she said that she cannot live in a world where people break promises to her. What should I do? Should I keep my promise and sacrifice my own goals to prevent her from hurting herself? Should I be selfish and hope she doesn't go through with it? Please help...

[Tinkerbell]

 

Woopsie, sorry about that, I hadn't quite figured out the quote button...

[debisfun]

Suicide threats should never be taken lightly. (I'm not saying that you are).

 

First, you CANNOT captiulate to this demand. You may think that this will "prove" your goodness to her, but believe me.....in a week or a month there will be another test you have to take. You will not be do.ing her any favors by caving in -- in fact, you will be doing the opposite.

 

Second, IMMEDATELY contact her family or clergy. THEY need to be the ones to help her get the PROFESSIONAL help that she is crying out for. If she's tried suicide before, then they won't be surprised.

 

Third, TAKE THE INTERNSHIP. Move away, stop ALL contact with her.

 

Fourth, Look into getting some professional help yourself to deal with the inevitable guilt (though misguided) that you will experience.

 

Good Luck.

[tiger_lilies]

I think that the answer is obvious here. How selfish can she be to make/force you to give up what's improtant to you, simply for her? The world is not fair and she needs to learn that. Don't you feel resentment towards her for threatening you with suicide? She may have depression and needs professional help. But to guilt you into staying with her and giving up your future is...simply put, extremely selfish.

 

Relationships are about encouraging the other, making your partner be the best they can be, with compromise, not sacrifice. There's a difference there.

 

Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship if she's threatening suicide. She's resulted in the most desperate act in order to keep you. Guilt. It never works in the long run. Let her go, but in an easy way. Best to stick to no contact.

[Scout]

I think you should do everything Debisfun suggested, exactly, except for the very last detail. Don't break contact with her. She's going to need a friend, and for better or for worse, you have been with her for 10 months, and complete cut-off will certainly hurt someone as emotionally fragile as she appears to be. But you absolutely must take the internship. Tell her you assumed one of the reasons she fell in love with you was because of your desire to make something of yourself, and that she has to figure out how to separate her intense feelings of abandonmont from the actual situation she's relating them to. Try and be kind, as frustrating as this situation is. I know its difficult, and it seems like she's being awful, but there must be good points to her or you wouldn't have stayed with her this long. Let her know your caring and friendship is there if she is willing to accept it, if not, you'll still check on her to make sure she's ok. Something along those lines, you get the idea...Firmness while remaining kind. That's the tone you want to strike.