just broke up/wants to be friends

[rollthedice]

First i'd just like to say hi to everyone as i am new here, i just found this site and it great to see a big community for people to get help with their problems.

 

so, here's mine. I have been dating a girl for almost a year. we met through a friend and we both fell pretty hard for each other. for ages we got along great and had a very satisfying relationship. we could talk about anything and were very open and comfortable. Latley i have been feeling insecure about all her male friends at her school, and i have questioned her a few times about their intentions. She would re-assure me that they were just friends, because she did always feel more comfortable around guys. i just always had a bad feeling about it though.

 

the last few weeks have been less than ideal because we both started working more, and we are blarely able to spend time together.

then one night out of the blue she tells me that she wants a break because she is not ready for a relationship with our level of commitment yet (even though every day before that she swore she'd be mine forever).

but now my biggest fears are coming true, and a guy she hangs around with at school has started hanging around her all the time. it just seems so early, only a few days after our break she was spending time with him, and all this week. i don't know what to do.

she just wants to be best friends now. because we were soooo close before she just wants the friendship we shared before without feeling tied down to me. but it's ery hard for me to talk to her because she always metions that they are hanging out that night etc.

 

I still love her, and she sais she loves me, but she is still very confused on what she wants... what should i do?

[bear]

Hi there!

(I am quite new here too!)

It is so hard breaking up with someone even if it is you that ends it. But when you really love someone it is difficult to imagine life without them. Her committment problem is common, especially seeing as you are both still young. My first true love broke my heart when i was 19, and i was devastated. We talked about being together forever, and seeing him going out and doing the lad thing only days after we broke up just rubbed salt in the already open wound. My advice to you my friend, keep your distance for the time being. If it is committment she has a prblem with, let her decide when to call or see you. Dont overcrowd her or it will only give her more reason to want to stay apart.

As for the lad thing - I am a girl and i have always got on better with blokes. It is no reflection on my current relationship, its just the way i am. By surrounding herself by her friends is just a way of distracting herself from the break up. Believe me, if she still loves you like she says, she is hurt deep down.

As i said before, it is common for one partner to be scared off by the seriousness of the relationship. Suddenly one day they wake up and think "this is it forever." This is a scary thought. Forever. Why dont you go out and enjoy yourself, as she is doing. Get together with some mates and just have a laugh. Try not to obsess yourself with what she is doing. Remember if it is meant to be...it will be.

I think that if you step back and let her do the chasing, you will find out for sure if she really does love you in the same way you love her.

And if things dont turn out, there are so many other people out there who you would make so happy, and would do the same back. It may not seem like it right now, but give it a few weeks or months and you will know for sure what you want.

If you still feel like you want to talk to her, try writing her a letter. You will be able to express yourself exactly how you want and she will have a chance to tell you how she really feels.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Loads of love and a big hug!

x

[goodquestion]

initiate no contact my man, and do it fast ... you're in a painful situation, and you do not need her half interest making it worse for you ...if you don't know what no contact is, search the site, you'll find tonnes of info, but it's basically: cut her off, and only let her initiate contact, and only respond every so often, and when you do, be confident, and make sure you do not seem unhappy and desperate ...

 

l8r

[rollthedice]

i think i have overcrowded her though. i kept asking about the two of them getting together, and let my jealosy show. this has made thigns worse and now we are getting snippy at each other.

how can i make thing better? i don't want to just take off now and leave her feeling irrated with me.

should i just be her friend now and try to patch things up before giving her some space?

[bear]

I think you need to work out what you want here. Are you jealous because she has found closeness with another man? Do you wish you were him right now? Or do you genuinely want her to be happy - whether or not that means letting her go completely.

I personally dont think you can stay 'just friends' with an ex. Ok some situations maybe you can - like if you fell out of love, or didnt physically fancy each other any more. However you obviously still have raw feelings for her, and any move she makes is gonna be a whole big analysis thing in your head. (Tell me if im wrong here by the way). What you need to do is let her know exactly how you feel. Let her know that yes you are jealous, but no you wont stand in her way of happiness. Dont pur pressure on her, but dont let her rule your life at the same time. Make it clear what you want, but dont let her turn it into an argument. My safest bet would be (as i said before) t o write a letter or email.

[spiderman_56]

?!?!? ..why the hell would u talk about the 'other' guy ? i mean he is the 'ennemy' and u sure do not want to show that u feel threaten by him. Stop stressin , don't talk about the relationship no more , don't talk about the guy , keep it cool and have fun with or without her ...

relax dude and stop the panic ..if she feels that u r stressin , she is gonna keep gettin apart from u even if she still loves u.

do no contact ..do not call her ! and since she 's has been so used to u i don't think she would stand 4 weeks ...! most of them brake down around 2 weeks ... but eventually she is gonna call , don't take the 1st 2 or 3 phone calls , she is gonna panic and start swarming ur mailbox, take the phone occasionally (like 25% of the time she calls)and sound happy, makin jokes and laughing ... and from there u have the upper hand and do not lose it ...

let her chase u , even crawl and then u decide what u wanna do with her ...

 

 

ALL of this is basically the outer-shell of the no contact .... it helps u get stronger emotionnally and move on if it does not work out ...u have to remenber u r the MOST important person in ur life and u have to show 'love' to urself ...

[rollthedice]

thanks bear

well spider man, that was very blunt, but a real good point. thanks alot guys. i guess only time can tell now.

i guess i just kept asking becausei had to know for sure. but i still don't, i have just made things worse.

 

if anyone has any more suggestions or advice please feel free to keep dropping by

[NattyNat]

Hi

 

i had a horrible break up with my ex boyfriend...he told me that he didnt feel what he used to feel for me and that it would be best that we broke up...but still be friends!!

 

I agreed even though i am still madly in love with him...he means everything to me and i dont think i will ever be able to stop loving him or stop caring for him!!

 

We werw together for 2 years!! which is a long time...my longest relationship!!!

 

Im hoping that we can try to work out things and get back together in the future!!!....is it possible for relationships to re kindle like that?

 

At the moment he doesnt want to talk to me or meet with me for a while (2 months) but he wont tell me why!! could he too be heartbroken?

 

Please someone help me because i have become lost!!

 

Thankyou for reading this!!!

[bear]

Hi Natty Nat.

That sounds just like a break up I had with my ex. He decided that if, after 3 years, we werent working out, there was little point us being together anymore. He was my first love and I was absolutely heartbroken. I phoned him and met him at every opportunity cos I missed him so much. I didnt know what to do - i even resorted to begging him to get back with me. Looking back I was such an idiot. I didnt know how to react at the time, but now I have met a brilliant guy, who is 10 times the man my ex ever was. I still have feelings for my ex, but i wouldnt dream of getting back with him. In fact I have sorted myself out now and he is the one that has come back begging. I am stronger and more confident and its such a great feeling to be able to say no.

I guess what im trying to say is that, if the hope of getting back together in the future helps you to bear going through the pain right now, I think it is normal and healthy. However do not obsess over it. Realise that there ARE other guys out there who will love you just as much and more. It is so difficult right now to think that you will ever feel the same about anyone again, but look at me for living proof (even tho it took a couple of years after the break up). Get exercising, get surrounded with ur friends, go flirting with other people, and see his reaction! Treat it as revenge for splitting up with you!

As for the two month thing - it is difficult to know the situation from just a few sentences - but maybe he still has feelings and wants to go cold turkey to give him a chance to get over you completely? Let him do that, and take the opportunity to do it for yourself.

This probably hasnt been very useful but I hope you feel a bit better about stuff soon. Just remember to be confident and strong, and you will find true love soon! 2 years may seem like a long time to have spent with someone, but think of how many years are ahead of you. Thi has been an experience you can learn from and move on to make the next relationship the best you can.

Take care.

x

[NattyNat]

thanks for your reply!!

 

Im gonna try the no contact rule but im scared that we will never talk to eachother again!!!

 

I mean we both want to be friends but im scared that he will 4get about me or summit!!!

 

especially if he gets a new girlfriend!!!

 

i probably never see him again.....

 

i just hope everything works out between us, and as long as hes happpy im happy!! (i luv him that much!!)