Lonely but worried to trust anyone

[volvic]

I am having issues trusting anyone enough to get into a relationship with them. I had an abusive father who used to come home and bully me until I cried in order to let go of his stress. I have two brothers but he did not give them a hard time, he just gave my mother and I a hard time (he had a problem with women, growing up there were only two boys in his family and perhaps five or six girls, so many sisters). He did not hit my mom because she was a large financial power in the family and she had a strong father who protected her, my father was scared of her father. I did not have a protection like that so he hit me in the face on multiple occasions. But more than that he picked at my self esteem until I truly believed I was a bad person and that girls were inferior and thus I was inferior. My brothers would say that girls were inferior as if it were a common fact of life. I learned afterwards that it was not true, especially when i got to college. Everyone, my mom and brothers told me i was in the wrong when my dad made me cry. Then my dad cheated on my mom and broke the family apart. Now they believe me. I thought i was going insane. My family was very isolated, my dad didnt have friends he liked to hang out with, we would go to the same three restaurants all the time, i was not allowed to go out and do things. I had no car, and they would not drive with me when i had a permit. I was stuck, since we live in an isolated area and you have to have a car to get anywhere. My dad controlled everything, we didnt even talk at the dinner table, he wanted to read, and we all read books at the table. I tried to be on the swim team but he got mad a lot and on one of the more aggressive times he yelled at me saying "i ruined everyone's schedule" then dragged me out of the car while i was wet in a swim suit and he screamed at me. It was very intimidating, he was hurting my arm and I could tell if I showed any defiance he would hit me again, he liked to hit in the face, always the face. No one helped me. My mom just gave my dad a look, but she never openly defied him, even when he talked badly about her father. The boys lived a very different life, we went to all their tournaments and other events, taking time out of the weekends, except it didnt bother anyone's schedule. My dad wanted to keep his young 30 year old girl friend (my dad is past 50 and my mom caught them in a five star hotel in thailand, which is expensive and beyond anything we did as a family.), and he wanted to occasionally go on dates with my mom. That was his ideal situation. My mom was a great financial help to him. He took advantage of that big time, and through my brothers and I he is still benefiting and keeping his business afloat. I look at my dad and I worry about him and also about myself. I hear that women who have suffered from domestic abuse (which is very clearly the case for my mom and I), often go for abusive men, they are attracted to what they know. An abusive relationship is harmful but familiar and thus comfortable for them. I am worried I will end up in that situation.

I had a boyfriend in kindergarden but never afterwards. My brother says I am too prudish, i am 22 years old and not going to get any younger, he doesnt want me to waste my life. I am very very careful. Even if I have a crush on someone I am very careful (I am aware that it is a hormonal reaction that will dissipate after a while). I look at them and how they act to other people and observe their characteristics. If I detect any controlling behavior towards other people or myself I back off quickly. I have watched other relationships and have a theory that a person cannot be "trained" after they enter a relationship. Many girls believe that they can fix whatever "flaws" they find in their partner. I believe what you see is what you get, you cannot change a person. They are who they are and you better be comfortable with any irritating characteristics they have. Those will probably grow more prominent over time. Also, everyone is nice in the beginning, so it is better to be extra careful. Anyone who wants to please you will appear nice, but their real personality is what is important. Very beautiful people can be enjoyable to look at but if the guy is not very considerate or kind underneath it doesn't seem worth it. We all get old and lose our looks at the end, and that wrinkly guy sitting next to you better be someone you feel happy with.

I don't want to be the dominating one in the relationship and I dont want to be controlled. I dont mind if the relationship isnt entirely harmonious, I believe that people in a relationship push and pull one another and so keep eachother from drifting off out of reality. My father lost a sense of reality, he likes to say "I'm a god." a lot, he jokes, but I get the sense that he is starting to believe it. He was diagnosed with narcissism by his psychiatrist, which I had to talk to him for hours to convince him to see (way in the beginning). We all need someone who will challenge us occasionally so we dont get too wrapped up in our own world, otherwise unless we have a lot of self control we will be unhappy with ourselves and our lives. I dont know, everyone wants different things and is different, but thats what I believe to be healthy, others might disagree. My father was rarely told that he was wrong, he had no self discipline and he became very irrational. I tested this often as a child. I would say an opinion, he would tell me it was wrong, the next week I would say the opposite thing and he would say it was wrong, telling me the original opinion (which is now his) was right. It is irritating and disheartening to be always told that you are wrong no matter what is said.

Anyway, it is hard for me to trust anyone enough to open up. I ended up taking a leave of absence multiple times during my parents divorce (where i tried to take care of my grandmother who has alzheimers and only speaks a foreign language and believed me to be a younger woman who was after her husband, my grandfather. That is a whole other can of worms.). I found out about the divorce right before thanksgiving my freshman year. I went back home to find my parents separated, my mom crying in a hotel room, sounding like a broken record, my dad acting strangely. Creepily trying to gently stroke me, and seeking my approval for his girlfriend. My brothers and I were all disturbed. I am back in school, i am older than everyone in my classes. I am very lonely. I get into self pity mode a lot, though its a lot better than where I was before. At my worst time I tried to hurt myself, I get suicidal thoughts some times though not like those earlier times. I have left out a lot of things that complicate my situation a lot more.

This semester i had finally fully moved on from the divorce (which includes a lot of phone calls where father asks for understanding and approval for girlfriend and he also wants to get back together with mom. and mom asks if dad ever loved her and how happy he must be with his new girlfriend) and I stupidly get too involved because they are my parents and I love them and I am an idiot. And then I miss class cause I get swine flu and I get the news my dad just had a kid with the woman who, knowing my dad was married with kids, asked him to marry her. At the same time my mom calls up and says she needs to get surgery again and needs me to be there the first week ( my mom almost died last year and had to go into emergency surgery and she would be dead right now if I didnt get on the phone with her and convince her to let them give her blood.) I feel like my life is a movie. It all happened very quickly and at the same time.

My brothers both have girlfriends, I think having someone with you helps, I know that being lonely is not a reason to get into a relationship. That is only going to lead to problems and is unfair to both people. I also feel that I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and I probably could get really needy very quickly and that would not be fair to the other person. The best is to be independent and build myself up again and if it happens it happens. Its just I am getting really really lonely, when I got over the divorce I had lots of friends cause i could be myself again. When the kid and flu and mom getting sick thing happened all the color went out of my face, i became less confident and I was tired. And people left. People are attracted to positive energy. I am feeling very sad and lonely and I know i need to just keep going and pick myself up, its just this is like the fifth year in a row that some kind of big scary event is going on that I have absolutely no control over. I am getting really tired of getting back up. I am going to do it. It just sucks and I feel like venting.

The main problem is that I am getting older and older and I still havent had a boyfriend really, I am worried there is something wrong with me.

And also I am really tempted to just date someone and get into a relationship cause I am lonely and a little sad seeing all these couples walking together. I know it is the wrong reason, I just feel that urge more strongly right now. It helps to write this out. I just been very confused lately.

[BMP2CPM]

For someone so young and has had so much happen to you, you seem fairly grounded and more in touch with yourself and others than most people your age.

 

If it doesn't feel like it's the right time to have a boyfriend, than don't. You have your whole life ahead of you. At 22 there's plenty of time to have a boyfriend. Also, it seems like your family "drains" your energy at times. Hopefully, it won't happen, but if you get a boyfriend that "drains" your positive energy, you won't have enough energy for you. So maybe now isn't the best time for a boyfriend.

[volvic]

Thanks for your response, I think you are right. A relationship takes energy and work. I need to be patient, I have a lot of time. And again, its best to start a relationship when you're at a healthy and strong starting place.

[nondescriptuse]

volvic, your time is going to come.

[ycmanvs]

I wish I was that wise when I was your age. You have a very good way of evaluating if a guy is right for you. I think when you meet a guy that you feel comfortable with, you will be able to open up for him. Take your time and get to know him first before you jump into a relationship with him. I have not done so and all my relationships have failed.