Help with a long-term relationship...

[fishtown]

I'm seeking advice from those who have been in successful long-term relationships. I'm in the midst of my first.

 

Without listing the details of how we met and where we're from, I'll summarize by telling you that we were in a long-distance relationship at the beginning. He was extremely attentive... sending me flowers, counting our monthly "anniversaries." It was like I was falling in love for the first time all over again (we're both in our 30s now). After just three months, he wanted to talk about marriage. And he seemed genuinely interested in the prospect--I could see the sincerity in his eyes. His intensity was tangible.

 

At that time--about two years ago--he was moving back to the US and I was looking for a new job. We'd planned ahead, and while we both thought it would be impossible, we managed to both find work in the same city. We found an apartment, moved in together, and our lives were wonderful.

 

I should note also that he was very giving... constantly sending me notes, buying me flowers, initiating sex, insisting upon near-constant cuddling.

 

I can't pinpoint when things started to change... they just have. I made a dramatic change in my appearance last week. Every single person I know mentioned it--and he didn't seem to notice. We still have sex, but only sporadically and quickly. I used to enjoy having him take me quickly and furiously... but that seems to have become a substitute for the slow, intimate sessions I used to really enjoy. He doesn't seem to have that same hunger for me. He's not at all interested in taking me out, going to a bar for a drink, or even taking a walk somewhere.

 

I've brought this up a few times... We communicate very well. We're open, honest. We play and laugh and joke. But when I bring this up, our conversation degenerates into his explaining that his sex drive is down or that our sechedules aren't matching or that we're both focused on other things.

 

Now, I'm feeling insecure, scared...and wondering how to reignite the emotions that drove him to play-propose marriage using a label off a pizza box, send me handwritten poetry, want to have sex day and night, and desire to be physically connected to me as much as possible.

 

I'm confused, thinking a few different things:

 

1. He's said about past girlfriends that he was never the one to break up because he couldn't stomach it. He always had a desire to remain friends with his ex's. Could it be that he's no longer interested in me, and just waiting for me to suggest breaking up? I've brought this up before, and he always says no.

 

2. I've put on about 20 pounds since moving back to the US (he and I met right before I moved back here). I'm now on Weight Watchers and losing what I put on... but maybe the change in my body has disinterested him in me sexually?

 

I've never been in a relationship this long. I've been with many men... just not in a serious relationships. I understand that the intensity fades... how do you bring it back? How do you keep your mate interested in you? How do you keep the energy and excitement alive? The point that we've come to... is this normal?

 

Any advice would be helpful..... I'm not sure what to do now.

[BreArna]

Hey,

If nothing has happened to change things between you then its sorta hard to figure out whats happening.

If yous are still joking around and acting all friendly and stuff still then that is a good sign. Maybe he is going through a stage, which i think everyone does at some point in a long term relationship, or like you said maybe he does want out but cant bring it up himself even when you ask him. Id suggest to sit down with him and ask him whats up, say he has been abit distant recently and listen to what he says and more importantly watch his body language and anything he might hint at. I doubt the wieght is an issue, guys see us awhole lot differently to the way we see ourselves and 20 pounds isnt alot at all.

 

You could also try and tell him that you love him and are happy with the life you have with him but understand that peoples feelings change and just want him to be happy so if he needs to have a break then he needs to tell you , BUT you need to make sure he hears the bit about u loving him and not wanting things to change or else he might think you want out .

Basically if he wants to leave the relationship and is finding it hard to tell you then you need to make it as easy as possible for him to do so or it will go on for a long time and you will just get hurt , but i think it might just be a stage hes going through.

 

With the sex bit.. do you initiate it at all ? maybe thats an idea, and make it fun. Like lay in bed and hug and kiss and all that stuff and dont let him go any further until you say so, like get him all excited first, so its not just sex and its over. And with dinner and all , maybe you could ask him out on a date and plan it all, write him little love letters for him to find while hes brushing his teeth or something, call him at work just to say you miss him.

It takes alot of work for people to make a relationship work and alot of understanding where the other person is coming from. Ive been with my boyfriend for 7 years ( since i was 15) and we have 3 kids under 5. Things arent always good in all areas but we havent had a fight for 6 years because we talk things through and always know whats going on in eachothers head, of course there are disagreements but we never let it turn into a argurment.

I hope you can work out whats going on with him and it all turns out good for you both!

[Pixiemeat]

Is he going through a stressful time at the moment - with his job, money, family, friends? Certainly, in my case, whenever my boyfriend goes 'off' me, it's not because of anything I have done but because of outside pressures impinging on our relationship. Yes, it's bad to let that happen, but I guess it's natural for the nearest and dearest to suffer most when their loved one is going through a rough time. If he's not going through a bad patch at the moment then DON'T think it's you. The honeymoon period may well be over - it certainly is in my case.

 

You could try organising little surprises or doing spontaneous romantic things... all is definitely not lost. I certainly don't think he's no longer attracted to or interested in you. I used to be very romantic and sweet towards my boyfriend (who finds that kind of thing a struggle), and I still am, but for us, it's outside pressures that are making things a little difficult at the moment. Talk, talk, talk. That's all you can do - it WILL sort itself out. Peaks and troughs, sweetheart.

 

I'm sorry if I haven't helped, I'm going through the same thing at the moment, and it's hard not to see it as a slight upon yourself, but you just have to think that at some point serious relationships stop becoming all about sex and romance and become, well, like life.