Ex is reaching out to me now... what to do?!

[Psych]

Hello, all. I'm not even sure what category I should be posting in anymore. My story can be found here: It's one dilemma after another. The latest:

 

About a week ago, my ex started to send me messages on Facebook. It was just, "hello. How are you doing?" I answered him, and have been sending and receiving a message a day. He told me that he has not been doing well, for reasons involving his car, his new house, his family, and "some other stuff." I decided to follow some friends' advice and NOT ask about this "other stuff." (I did, however, cheat and look at his profile. It still shows he's "single"). His newest message asks, "If you want too check the house out give me a shout. Got any plans for the weekend?" I haven't seen him at all in a month, when we last discussed breakup stuff. I don't know how I would feel if I were to go to his house.

 

At the time of the breakup, we agreed to be friends. I have since returned from Fantasyland and admitted to myself that if we are ever to actually be friends, it can not be right now. I'm not devasted anymore, more P.O.'ed about how he handled things with me at the end (acting like there was no problem until suddenly one day I just had to go). I think somewhere deep down, I still hope for reconcilation--conditionally.

 

Questions:

-What do you think he wants from me?

-Would it be crazy to let this give me hope?

-Is there a way to be there for him without getting used?

-How would you respond to the message?

-To go or not to go?

 

Thanks to all who respond. Where have you guys been all my life?

[bish0p2004]

 

Questions:

-What do you think he wants from me?

-Would it be crazy to let this give me hope?

-Is there a way to be there for him without getting used?

-How would you respond to the message?

-To go or not to go?

 

1. Can't be too certain

2. Truthfully, I think so

3. He can only use you if you let him. If you genuinely want to be there for him, then you should. But, if there are underlying motives on your side, then you shouldn't. That's the hardest part to figure out.

4. Since you said that you are not ready to be friends, then you should say, "no thanks." That's harder to do, but I think it's the best course of action because of your feelings.

5. Again, I don't think it would be a good idea because of your feelings at this time.

[Psych]

I knew I would be getting those kinds of answers. However, when I talked to him 2 days after he dumped me, he declared, "I'm so confused about us. I wonder if I made a mistake." Now he's messaging me out of the blue.. which is unusual... saying there's "other stuff" getting him down (missing me?), and inviting me to his house.

 

Is there a non-manipulative way to ask him why he would decide to reach out to me instead of one of his many, many friends? Experience tells me that if I "put pressure on him" he'll just run away again.

[Moontiger]

 

Is there a non-manipulative way to ask him why he would decide to reach out to me instead of one of his many, many friends? Experience tells me that if I "put pressure on him" he'll just run away again.

 

 

IMO, no, there is really no good way to ask him. Think very carefully about what you want to do in this situation. Do what is going to be best for YOU. If there are these many question and mixed emotions it may not be a good idea to see your ex. Do what is going to make you the happiest and healiest!

[Psych]

Well, I said no. Someone please tell me I did the right thing!

[curiocity]

Well, I said no. Someone please tell me I did the right thing!

 

You did the right thing. Good for you.

[Psych]

Thank you.

[Chris Knows]

-What do you think he wants from me?

--- If he is going through a tough time, he knows he has you to lean on for support. It seems he is using you for that support right now.

 

-Would it be crazy to let this give me hope?

--- No it's not. But keep your guard up!!! Because he seems to be in a bind and things might not be going his way he may use this as a quick ego boost.

 

-Is there a way to be there for him without getting used?

--- Just keep communicating through the phone and see where things tend to go.

 

-How would you respond to the message?

--- You are stronger then me. I would've went.

 

-To go or not to go?

--- Ultimately that is your call. If you want to reconcile and you think it's what he wants then go for it

[ghostdog]

Anytime the dumper contacts you even after 6 months- year or whatever.

 

you've GOT to be on guard...

 

if they truly want u back...i think there is some sort of statue of time limitations in effect...

 

meaning- if its more than a month or 2, likely they've already had a failed relationship.

 

if its really soon after a failed relationship- then they are likely leaning on u for support.

 

if they did not have another serious relationship after u- then i might think they are more serious about contacting me.

 

because if they did not want to be with me and they dumped me- enough that they had another relationship in the time since us- how much could they have really loved me or thought i was such a great guy?

 

did it take for them to be in yet another relationship to realize what they had?

 

how i think is- all the people at this point in my life that i will date all have likely been married before. all have had failed relationships as have i...so when i see a good thing or they do- then they will know it.

 

it does not take another relationship after me for them to wake up and realize what they lost.

 

they know what they lost and if they lost me (or dumped me) and then came back some months later after not having dated anyone else...then i'd be more open to being with them if at all.

 

but they'd have to work really hard to regain my time and attention and affections.

 

of course i've always lived by the addage- Once out...stay out...

 

because even if they were to come back after not having been with someone- they've left me once...why would they not do it again?

 

we have to have more respect for ourselves to not put ourselves in a position to be used and abused for someone else...

 

i personally think my ex knows what she lost- but she is soo selfish (and controlling) that she'll likely never admit to it...

 

time will tell- the more time goes by before she calls the easier it is for me to give her the finger or use her if she comes back crying ...

[Psych]

Update: his reply after I said no-

"Ok, well that's up to you. If you want to go for coffee sometime, give me a shout. How was your weekend?"

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!..... it took me about 24 hours to bring myself to say NO. Now I have to do it again?? Bleh.

We've been apart for about 1 1/2 months now, and to my knowledge he hasn't dated anyone else. He is not calling me on the phone, unfortuneately. If only he would, he may be easier to read. Any more insight or encouragement on this would be most welcome. Thanks, all.

[Chris Knows]

Update: his reply after I said no-

"Ok, well that's up to you. If you want to go for coffee sometime, give me a shout. How was your weekend?"

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!..... it took me about 24 hours to bring myself to say NO. Now I have to do it again?? Bleh.

We've been apart for about 1 1/2 months now, and to my knowledge he hasn't dated anyone else. He is not calling me on the phone, unfortuneately. If only he would, he may be easier to read. Any more insight or encouragement on this would be most welcome. Thanks, all.

 

Hold off until he calls you

[ghostdog]

yep - i agree...wait for the call...

 

texts are soo cheap...especially when reaching out after a break up.

[Psych]

How about Facebook? lol. I'm sure he won't call me unless I tell him to. He pretty much conducts all his business via text or online. Still contemplating how to respond...

[ghostdog]

Psych- here's the deal....

 

If you want to be with someone (not ur current ex), you will make necessary efforts to get in contact with them right?

 

Well same goes for ur ex...when ur ex truly wants to be with u or meet with u or anything with u- ur ex WILL make the necessary efforts to get in touch with u...

 

otherwise- ur ex (who knows u want to be w/him) will dangle something like a text message...only to have u call him up or make it easy for him.

 

then ur right back to where u were before- giving the power back to ur ex...so if and only if and when he decides within himself that he wants to get with u- then he will do what he has to to try his damndest to get u back in his life

 

otherwise- don't waste ur time.

[Chris Knows]

How about Facebook? lol. I'm sure he won't call me unless I tell him to. He pretty much conducts all his business via text or online. Still contemplating how to respond...

 

If he has no baggage (current GF) then there is ZERO reason why he cannot pick up the phone and call you. I get instant messages from my ex (who has a boyfriend) talking about her unhappiness ... until she calls, i don't take any of it seriously.

[Psych]

I get instant messages from my ex (who has a boyfriend) talking about her unhappiness ... until she calls, i don't take any of it seriously.

Do you answer these messages? If so, what do you say?

 

I think in this case, if I wait for a phone call, I will be waiting forever. Even while we were together (for 8 months), he called me exactly three (3) times, only for little things that had to happen RIGHT NOW or never. Sometimes when I would leave a voice mail, he would answer it by text. So, it seems he is reaching out the way that is typical for him. It was by IM that he first asked me out.

 

Oi... I think tonight I might just drink until I have enough balls to just ask him why he wants to see me. Wish me luck!

[ghostdog]

Well if it takes forever then it takes forever.

 

he has to make up his mind all by himself...he's a big boy.

 

you cannot make it up for him.

 

at this point u will only further push him away if his mind is not made up.

 

he is not the only man you will ever be with or be in love with in this life- no matter how u feel right now...

 

OMG- so the entire time u were together he only called 3 times?

 

how often did u guys see each other during a normal week?

 

i can only assume u made a 1000 calls to him so he did not have to call?

 

u do not need luck...u need to move on...u made it too easy for him in the relationship and seems to me that maybe he was not really that into u? but u served it up for him on a platter...?

[Psych]

Wow, ghostdog, you sure base a lot of assumptions on the fact that my ex and I are in the text generation. Welcome to 2009.

 

I don't think I should really have to defend myself, but anyhoo... We saw each other at least 2-3 times a week. I did not make 1000 calls, nor did I "serve it up for him on a platter." As I have said before, we preferred to text. I did not initiate 1000 texts either while letting him get away with intiating nothing.

 

Way to wish me luck...

[Chris Knows]

Do you answer these messages? If so, what do you say?

 

I think in this case, if I wait for a phone call, I will be waiting forever. Even while we were together (for 8 months), he called me exactly three (3) times, only for little things that had to happen RIGHT NOW or never. Sometimes when I would leave a voice mail, he would answer it by text. So, it seems he is reaching out the way that is typical for him. It was by IM that he first asked me out.

 

Oi... I think tonight I might just drink until I have enough balls to just ask him why he wants to see me. Wish me luck!

 

I have answered in the past. But they usually go nowhere. They end up in the typical she hates what I am doing now and hates how things went down. She burned me by leaving me for another guy and it's hard for me to swallow that pill and forgive. I wonder is it does she want to talk to me because she misses me or is it because the new guy is a total tool bag and he makes me look that much better?

 

I cannot be judgmental of a guy that I Do not know, but I find it quite odd that he does not like talking on the phone. I can talk for days and constantly call friends just to chat.

 

Next time he reaches out to you, just tell him if he doesn't mind could you possibly chat on the phone for a bit. See what he says.

 

A good thing though for you is sometimes people express their feelings easier through Instant Messenger or Text messaging more so then face to face or hearing somebodies voice. It makes things easier and less complex.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out for the best.

[Psych]

Thank you.

 

I can understand the not liking to talk on the phone, because I'm like that too, especially for potentially difficult conversations. And he is the type who has trouble expressing himself by talking about things. I will think about suggesting a phone call, though. Thanks again.

[ghostdog]

Wow, ghostdog, you sure base a lot of assumptions on the fact that my ex and I are in the text generation. Welcome to 2009.

 

I don't think I should really have to defend myself, but anyhoo... We saw each other at least 2-3 times a week. I did not make 1000 calls, nor did I "serve it up for him on a platter." As I have said before, we preferred to text. I did not initiate 1000 texts either while letting him get away with intiating nothing.

 

Way to wish me luck...

 

i am not trying to wish you luck.

 

i am trying to introduce you to reality- that is all.

 

no matter the generation- talking on the phone is always more personal than texting.

 

i like others are just on here offering you some advice. you can choose to listen to it or ignore it.

 

your choice...

[Psych]

i am not trying to wish you luck.

 

i am trying to introduce you to reality- that is all.

 

no matter the generation- talking on the phone is always more personal than texting.

 

i like others are just on here offering you some advice. you can choose to listen to it or ignore it.

 

your choice...

Advice is welcome. Judgement is not.