Do or Die...when enough is enough?

[tattoobunnie]

I'm at the point where I'm ready for things to go either way. The whole process of getting back together is exhausting. That I'm looking for a big sign to either stay or go...given that the most obvious would be him saying, "I want you back. Let's work things out," or "I don't think it'll work out. Let's move on."

 

Well, things are amicable between us, things have been shared, progressive words and actions...but things are being compounded in my mind, a need to rush, since our technically, but not really anymore Anniversary would have been coming up, along with New Year's. In my head, I feel like if we don't ring in the New Year together, there's no point in continuing in any sense together.

 

This would have been so much easier if he didn't make that call to me a few months ago...pretending to be in dire straits, and I was the only one who could help him out. (Nothing serious, just stuck somewhere) Prior to that, I was ready to completely write him off. The conversations and time spent together grew from that night on. It's been over 3 months since the break-up, and I find it silly to invest this effort into someone I only dated for a little over 8 months. Sure, what we had was special; we both love, respect and admire each other, get each other like kindred spirits, have common goals & interests...but I really don't think I know enough to know this will all be worth it. I know I deserve a great guy and great love.

 

Each day on, the rose is off the bloom.

 

He wanted be friends, and see what happens, I agreed and we're dating...it doesn't seem to be enough for me. He went away for a few days, and while I did a weekend trip, and I missed him, but I was more relieved...he is becoming my mental burden. The kind where you're on your tippy toes uncomfortably doting on.

 

Granted, I think about my prior ex when he calls, and the pain, the lying, and the misdeeds. I never answer (forgot to re-block, my block expired), and haven't spoken to him in a year, I still wanna punch him in the face. So this is the reason why I still stick around. I hurt my ex's feelings; and I need to cut him some slack on us not being fully reconciled. While we both also blame our break-up to bad-timing, maybe since it's not steadily moving along, maybe we're just not right for each other.

 

I don't know anymore. Though the best thing I have learned from all of this is that, nothing has to be done right away. No actions, no craziness repercussions. Just let it stew.

 

So back to the current situation. He got back on Sunday, asked him if he wanted to hang out today. He had a work dinner. Then I asked him when he could meet up. He says, "This week is kind of hectic. How about Mon or Tue?" Prior to him leaving, we had spent 4 days of the week together. Him or I inviting each other to do things.

 

Now to woman rushing for a reconciliation & in self-preservation mode, the normal reaction is, "oh, by then, I may be washing my hair." Even though I have plans all weekend.

 

The normal woman/friend response would be, "Monday is cool." Which sadly, I had to ask my friend what the take on the situation is. She's rooting for us. And she looked at it as, people do need to decompress after a trip, and can come back to a load of work...which is true.

 

I know he loves me greatly, and I love him. But I can tell it's growing to do or die at this point. Does anybody else in this process ever get the "doubt the path" feelings too, but it works out the way you want it to in the end?

[LoveSoDeep]

Does anybody else in this process ever get the "doubt the path" feelings too, but it works out the way you want it to in the end?

 

Oh, probably every other day! This exact same thing happenes to me we'll spend 3-4 days doing things together and then...I'm amazed when he needs few days for himself. My take on that is...I get spoiled....I see so much of him that I just get used to it and want it to always be that way...after the initial moment of "Why doesn't he want to be with ME every day!?!" I realize just how silly I'm being...he still needs time alone to think (actually he always has and while we were together I had no problem giving him personal time....funny that it's so hard now).

 

And I think it's about to happn again...we had dinner with friends Monday, a project meeting last night and some good time alone and we have another meeting tonight....so rest assured I'll be right where you are in a couple days I'll just try not to wallow in that negative "why doesn't he want to be with me every second" state for too long.

[tattoobunnie]

OMG...that makes total sense...hmm...thank you!

[hypatia]

I'm going through the same thing. We're dating, in the process of reconciling for the last 3 weeks (after 5 mths apart) and it's no fairytale. We see each other a couple of times a week only, and I feel like I'm playing a waiting game often.

 

I imagined we'd go back to the habit of daily phone calls and communication, but it's going much slower than that. It's really more like I've just met someone new and am dating them. The wisdom is to treat it like it's a new relationship, but it just doesn't work because you know how it was before and it's just not the same. You hope with patience and time it will get back to how it was, but there is a lot of disappointment along the way.

[tattoobunnie]

hypatia...Do you both have the once in a while pow-wows about where you're both at, and discuss prior issues?

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm going through the same thing. We're dating, in the process of reconciling for the last 3 weeks (after 5 mths apart) and it's no fairytale. We see each other a couple of times a week only, and I feel like I'm playing a waiting game often.

 

I imagined we'd go back to the habit of daily phone calls and communication, but it's going much slower than that. It's really more like I've just met someone new and am dating them. The wisdom is to treat it like it's a new relationship, but it just doesn't work because you know how it was before and it's just not the same. You hope with patience and time it will get back to how it was, but there is a lot of disappointment along the way.

 

So True!

 

It's so hard to look at it as a completely new realtionship b/c there is a lot of history there, but that is exactly what you have to do!

 

tatoobunnie - I know it wasn't me you were asking about the Pow-Wows....but in the last month we have had 2 good talks we talk about where we are at (mostly where he's at b/c he's the one who is confused and I think he knows where I'm at) and maybe touch a little on the past. Honestly I want to be done talking about the past I think we're on the same page there so I'm not going to bring it up anymore...of course if he wants to talk aboit it I'll talk about it, but I'm not initiating history talk anymore. I think probably every 2-3 weeks we'll continue to have a quick check-in session until we've made some sort of decision about weather we want to get back together...or not.

[hypatia]

hypatia...Do you both have the once in a while pow-wows about where you're both at, and discuss prior issues?

 

In the last three weeks since we decided to work toward reconciling we talked once about the past, twice about where we are both at---what his expectations are, what mine are, etc. I can tell he doesn't want any emotionally heavy conversations and discussions, so we avoid those.

[tattoobunnie]

So while we had plans for Monday, he asked me over for Sunday too. We had a fun time, and did talk about relationship stuff. Apparently, I use to piss him off sometimes. He also has felt I don't emotionally support him enough...granted some of it is off the wall stuff, like he won't go to his sister's house cuz she doesn't come to his house, even though he never invites her for 2 YEARS (yeah, total passive aggressive move - they love each other, though, talk about baby of the family syndrome)...I tell him to invite her over, and share how he feels about the situation, but he sees it as that I'm disagreeing with him.

 

Hmm...while I am now aware of the situation...the amount of I see it as coddling that he needs...perhaps I am not the one for him. I think about that...that maybe it didn't work because it isn't right. We both love each other very much. We're both concerned that we cannot fulfill each other's needs. Though his idea of my needs are off the wall. He is convinced that I want someone to take care of me...um, whatever. NOT! You take care of each other. We did cover some positives.

 

So I go over Monday, and granted, while we were up a little late on Sunday, he pretty much slept on the couch the whole time with perhaps 5 minutes to eat some salad. We then went to sleep, and he went out like a light like nobody's business. And got up today, got ready for work. His goodbye kisses have always been on the mouth, but I have noticed, they are now strategically placed on the forehead today and yesterday. Does this mean anything other than the fear of morning breath???? hahahaha (though seriously wondering)

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm not sure what to say about his new strategiclly placed forehead kisses...For me a kisso nthe forehead is way far removed from the kiss on the liops I usually get and I'd probably fear he was pulling back. Last night for example we met for a meeting with a mutal friend and all walked out together and I think he didn't want our other friend to see us kiss on the lips so he snuck one in on my cheek just to the side of my lips...if he had kissed me on the forehead I'd wonder what was up....but morning breath/ coffee breath can't be dismissed as a reason altogether.

 

You said some pretty insightful things in your last post...he needs more coddling than you are willing to give.. and he thinks you need/want him to take care of you which seems to be far from the truth.... you are both worried that you can't fullfill the other's needs...those are big things and you need to think about them for a while and see if you are okay with all that.

[matador1972]

If theres one thing ive learned, its to try and not read into anything, where she kisses me, where she touches me, anything like that.

 

Its easy for the negatives to take over from the positives if you let them!

[tattoobunnie]

When you put it that way...I kinda now feel silly. He does make an effort to actually come over and plant one on my forehead. I suppose I got used to our mouth-planted kisses. It is different. Some say it's a sweet, caring gesture. I use to overlook a bunch of signs that showed his caring and mad loving me...so, I don't wanna get all antsy about this. Man...I'm a stinky girlfriend.

[tattoobunnie]

Screw it...if I saw someone's guy doing that for his girl, I'd think it was sweet. Just having an antsy girl moment!

[matador1972]

Screw it...if I saw someone's guy doing that for his girl, I'd think it was sweet. Just having an antsy girl moment!

 

Good girl, thats the spirit! Look at my thread to see how i misread things yesterday and ended up having a horrible day as a result, lesson learned, dont read into things!