Mind Games

[renegade43]

I live with my bf of almost 2 years. We have been getting along pretty well lately, but I have a major issue with these games he plays with me, and I don't know how to react.

 

Here's one for example. Its a little after 6, and were both checking email on our computers. He says he wants to do something with me tonight, but he wants to read his book for a little while. So, I say, "Lets watch a movie at 7." He agrees, and goes to read his book.

 

At 7, I go in our room and the lights are off and he's long gone asleep. He typically goes to sleep early when he gets upset with me or stressed out. I'm so confused, did I do something wrong?

 

There are other scenarios, basically where he will want to do something right then, and if I am not ready when he is, or I have something to do really quick first, he gets pouty and mad and doesnt want to do anything at all.....

 

AAAHHH.... Any ideas?

 

Thanks

[zzprometheuszz]

well he's certainly got you to over think, that's for sure.

 

if you think he's playing games with you then he's probably not playing a really good game.

 

chances are he just does whatever the heck he feels like doing at the moment.

 

at least that's my guess.

 

any second opinion?

[renegade43]

I think he wants to spend time with me, but when he acts this way, we end up staying apart the whole night. I dont know if thats his way of telling me he doesnt want to do anything with me...? I just wish he'd come out and say "im tired, im going to bed early," etc.

 

I'm kinda scared because we don't really do a lot out of the house because $ is limited, so the chances we have to spend time together are special to me, but I dont feel like they are to him because he always finds some way to ruin it with his attitude.....

[bluegradient]

You might be over analyzing it.

 

You've been dating for 2 years or living together for 2 years? Cause over time he'll get to the point where he's just gonna get so comfortable with the living situation that he'll behave the same way he would if he was living alone. If he gets tired, he's gonna sleep.

 

Is it insensitive to your feelings? Yep.

 

That's why communication is key. Don't assume that he's blowing you off. The relationship is serious enough to be living together so you should feel fine to just flat out remind him that it's not sleepy time, it's movie time. His response to that is where you'll get a hint about what's up. If it's like, "Oh crap, I forget, sorry!" then fine. If it's, "Go away!" then you two need to get things cleared up.

[renegade43]

That makes sense. We have been living together for almost 2 years. The history before that is quite a lot to tell, but to put it simply, we had known eachother about 4 years before we became a couple, etc.

 

Maybe I am over-analyzing. I just want to spend time with him, and it seems like he has better things to do....like sleep...at 7pm....

[I_Speak_Jive]

 

There are other scenarios, basically where he will want to do something right then, and if I am not ready when he is, or I have something to do really quick first, he gets pouty and mad and doesnt want to do anything at all.....

 

So this wasn't an isolated episode? If he pulls this kind of passive-aggressive behaviour often, it must be very exhausting and frustrating for you.

 

The message seems to be "either I get whatever I want whenever I want it, or I will punish you. But I won't tell you I am punishing you because that would make me the bad guy. I'll just do this until you put two and two together by yourself".

 

Personally I have zero tolerance for this kind of stuff -even from people I love dearly. I have been lucky in the past, but once I had to drop a very close friend because of these kinds of stints.

 

I am a pretty patient guy but I don't have the time to wait around forever for people to grow up.

[lukeb]

It doesn't sound like he is playing mind games with you on purpose, I think in his mind he is just trying to be "nice". It is nicer to say let's go do something than it is to say "I don't feel like doing anything."

 

The problem seems to be often he just doesn't feel like doing anything. If he is doing an abnormal amount of sleeping, seems tired most of the time, could be a sign of depression.

[bluegradient]

The problem seems to be often he just doesn't feel like doing anything. If he is doing an abnormal amount of sleeping, seems tired most of the time, could be a sign of depression.

 

That was something that crossed my mind as well as I read the situation.

 

If it was just a matter of not wanting to spend time with you anymore, he'd probably find something/someone else to occupy his time instead of just sleeping. The going to bed early and withdrawing completely is peculiar.

 

When you first moved in together there's the excitement of the situation, he's happy, he's eager, he's thinking about being able to spend time with you and sleeping in the same bed, etc. Two years later, all of that has become Standard Operating Procedure. If it's not a matter of depression on his end, it's certainly a matter of taking you and the living situation for granted. He's had it day in and day out long enough now that he expects it as the norm and the excitement dies down. And you said $ is limited so that is probably weighing on his mind as well.

 

I wish I could give some actually helpful advice, but my experiences with living with someone were no picnic either (if someone tells me we need a new tv and I buy a new tv...why did I get yelled at for buying a new tv??? ).