Stressful Situation with BF's Friend. Please help!!

[butterfly6585]

A little over a year ago, my BF and I got into a big argument one night. I was really angry at him, and I ended up calling him a pretty nasty name. I most definitely didn't actually mean that I called him, and I apologized profusely both the night that I said it and what seems like countless times since then. I've thought so many times of how I just as easily could have called him like a million other names instead, but that's the one that just happened to slip out in the heat of the moment. He claims to have forgiven me for it. However, he told one of his close female friends R about it, and she since then has absolutely refused to have anything to do with me. For example, R called my BF on his cell this past weekend and asked if he wanted to hang out. He explained to her that he was hanging out with me and asked her if she'd like us to meet up with her somewhere. Her response apparently was something along the lines of "You know how I feel about that. I want nothing to do with her". He's tried several times over the course of the past year to get her to hang out with us together, and each time she adamantly refuses to.

 

I'm really not sure what is the best way to handle this situation. My BF thinks that maybe I should apologize to her, although I think that's kind of stupid since he's the one I made the comment to and I've already apologized to him countless times. She and I have only met in person one time, and when I met her that one time I was extremely nice and friendly to her. My BF says he's tried to explain to her that I'm actually a really nice person and that maybe she could just give me a chance to get to know me, but she just totally refuses to.

 

My BF and I have been going out for a little over 2 years now. Over this past summer, he broke up with me which was totally devastating to me. After a few months apart, he called me up crying and begging for a second chance. We're now in couples counseling and trying to work things out. After getting back together, my BF actually admitted to me that his friend R did play somewhat of a role in his decision to break up with me since she apparently reminded him many, many times of the incident where I called him a mean name and would tell him stuff like I can't believe you're still with her, etcetera. So, now that BF and I are back together, it really worries me that his friend R will stick her nose into our business again and go right back to telling him that he shouldn't be with me, etc. Even before that incident, she never really seemed to have any interest in getting to know me. The only reason I can possibly think of is that maybe she actually has a crush on him. She's around 400 lbs, so I'm not worried that he'd ever leave me for her or anything. However, I do think maybe she feels jealous that I'm with him and not her? I don't know that for sure, but I suspect that might have something to do with it. Even though her weight would most likely prevent him from cheating on me with her, she's still a threat to our relationship because she's always saying bad stuff to him about me (and she doesn't even KNOW me!!) and unfortunately he seems to really value her opinion. (They've been good friends for about 10 years now).

 

I know it's not right for me to try to tell my BF who he can and can't be friends with. On the other hand though, it really bothers me that he has this friend that refuses to have anything to do with me and that causes problems in our relationship by basically encouraging him to break up with me. I seems to really stress him out that she refuses to meet me because he thinks it would be great if we could all be friends. Also, I mentioned before that my BF claims to forgive me for that mean name I called him over a year ago. However, I can just tell that he's NOT fully over it. He does seem to still have some resentment towards me about it. That makes me really sad and also very frustrated because I've apologized countless times. I think the main reason he's still not over it is because his friend R has kept bringing it up to him over the past year. Or, even if she doesn't directly mention it now he KNOWS that it's the reason why she still refuses to hang out with me/us.

 

Any input or suggestions on this situation would be very much appreciated. Thanks!

[pinkrobot]

I agree that you shouldn't have to apologize to R for something that didn't involve her. But have you tried arranging a time to sit down and talk with her about it? No matter what, if she avoids you forever she can continue to "hate" you forever. But if you take the initiative and put in the effort to improve your relationship with her, maybe she'll at least give you credit for that much and she'll be willing to hear you out. It may take some time, but if you reach out and show her that getting along with her is important to you, it might ease the tension a little at the very least and it might make her more willing to get to know you better.

[bayley]

You dont owe this girl an apology. You didn't do anythign to her!

 

Is it possible to speak with this "R" girl? Have a one on one with her, polite, and friendly and just ask her what she has against you. And for you to remain cool and calm and not angry. If she gets angry thats her problem. Maybe even get your bf to go so if she does get nasty he can see.

 

Other wise, it seems like putting up with it, coz your bf wont take control and tell her to butt out.

[catfeeder]

Neither of you need to like the other's friends, and you surely don't need to apologize or socialize with her. If he raises her again, just be kind and say you've got nothing against the girl, but you're just not interested in trying to be friends with her right now.

 

The less she appears to bother you, the more control you'll have. Your lack of intensity will relax him and he won't feel forced to mend things.

 

Good news is, her meddling has run its course--that's why he's back with you. The only thing left for her to do now is annoy him, and she will hang herself.

 

I'd go completely neutral and kind when it comes to her. No prying, snooping, nagging or discussing her--she's not even a blip on your radar. The more she flames, the more he'll grow tired of being burned. (If he's not already.)

 

In your corner.

[Nickk]

what did you call him?

[Scorpion Fury]

In a serious relationship where both parties are trying hard to make it work, I don't think there's any room for toxic friends. I believe people are responsible for themselves and can make their own decisions, but I don't need a negative friend around, male or female, that is constantly going to criticize my boyfriend and my relationship. My friends can either be supportive, keep their mouths shut, or hit the road. I wouldn't hesitate to mention to him how much more difficult it will be to make your relationship work with this Negative Nancy around, and if he can't recognize that and deal with it appropriately, I would reconsider whether or not I even wanted to work things out with him.

[butterfly6585]

Thanks so much for your input everyone. Unfortunately, sitting down with her to talk things out just isn't an option since she adamantly refuses to have anything to do with me.

 

Here's a little background on the whole situation since someone on here asked what I called him. A little over a year ago, I called my BF on his cell phone around 10:30 at night just to say hi and chat for a bit. I was rather surprised when a girl answered his phone instead of him. At first, I thought it might be his friend R that hates me. So, I calmly asked to speak to my BF and the girl handed the phone to my BF. I asked what he and R were up to, and he said he wasn't hanging out with R. He said he was hanging out with K. I pretty much totally lost it when he said this for a couple of reasons. The number one reason was that he had mentioned K before but made her sound like she was just an aquaintance that he barely even knew as he had just met her recently, yet here he was actually hanging out with her. So, that kind of raised a red flag for me and made me wonder right away if something more might going on between the two of them. He told me that he had gone to pick her up at her parent's house and brought her over so she could see his dog. Keep in mind this was 10:30 at night. Maybe I overreacted but to me it is just not appropriate really to have a female "friend" over to your house when it's 10:30 at night when it is just the two of them there. When I called he said they were riding around in his truck which I could tell they were because I heard the loud engine in the background, and he said they were on their way to go get a bite to eat. So, now by this point I'm getting like super pissed because to me this was starting to sound almost like a date they were going on.

 

To make a long story short, he didn't seem to care that night about how upset I was over it. I was really flipping out about it, and so he ended up hanging up on me. The next day we talked on the phone about it...or should I say we argued about it. Apparently, something I said about it pissed him off really bad (I guess because he felt that I had overreacted about the situation), and he said "Fine. Maybe I'll just go f*ck her then".

 

I could hardly even believe my ears that he had just said that to me, especially because up until that point in our relationship things had actually gone pretty well. So, I was confused and devastated because I didn't understand why he was acting like such an insensitive jerk of all a sudden. Now, keep in mind, when I met my BF I had pretty much just gotten out of marriage with my EXH. One of the major reasons for our divorce was that I found out that he had cheated on me repeatedly. A year ago, I was still feeling pretty sensitive and hurt about what my EX had done. So, to hear my BF even ALLUDE to possibly cheating on me, I just couldn't even handle it. It just hurt me SO much and it made me feel very angry. So, within about two seconds of him making the above hurtful comment to me, without even thinking about it, I blurted out something like "Whatever you f*cking child molestor"!

 

Now, I know that was an awful, AWFUL thing to say and I wish SO badly that I could take it back. Like I said before, I've apologized countless times for it. I so easily could have called him so many other things but in the heat of the moment that phrase just immediately slipped out. I should add that another thing that upset me about the whole situation was that 1)I was devastated because I was worried that maybe he was cheating on me with this girl and 2)he'd mentioned before that she was only 19. Now, I know it's perfectly legal for a man to have sex with a 19 year old girl. But, keep in mind that at the time he was 32, and I just couldn't imagine what in the world he could possibly have in common with a 19 year old girl. So, I guess I thought it seemed pretty weird that he'd want to hang out with her in the first place. In any case, I SO regret making that comment to him!! I definitely did NOT mean it and just said it in the heat of the moment. As a matter of fact, I had told him several times prior to making that comment and have told him many times since then what a wonderful father I think he'll be someday (he doesn't have any kids yet). Plus, as I pointed out to him and asked him to point out to his friend R, if I REALLY thought he was a child molestor then CLEARLY I wouldn't let him within 10 feet of my daughter and I completely trust him to be around her.

 

I wonder if maybe R actually might have been molested as a child or knows someone close to her that did, and maybe that's why she had such a harsh reaction to me making that comment to him?

[catfeeder]

In a serious relationship where both parties are trying hard to make it work, I don't think there's any room for toxic friends. I believe people are responsible for themselves and can make their own decisions, but I don't need a negative friend around, male or female, that is constantly going to criticize my boyfriend and my relationship. My friends can either be supportive, keep their mouths shut, or hit the road.

 

I agree that this is the healthiest approach to take take for oneself. Imposing it on someone else, though, is a double-edge sword.

 

I wouldn't hesitate to mention to him how much more difficult it will be to make your relationship work with this Negative Nancy around, and if he can't recognize that and deal with it appropriately, I would reconsider whether or not I even wanted to work things out with him.

 

This is an excellent strategy if you're actually willing to walk away from a lover who won't comply with your wishes. The bottom side is that it leaves you with someone you've been able to push around--and that puts a different kind of crack in the relationship.

 

I can't speak for you, but I can't respect a guy who would let me get away with this. I don't want to view myself as The Parent in a relationship, and I would be a bit sickened by a lover who would let me pick his friends. If he's got a brain in his head, he wouldn't appreciate this either--and he'd see where this was going.

 

If you don't feed the beast, you weaken it. If this person is that critical of you, she hasn't picked up that badmouthing you only prompts BF to defend you, even if just in his own mind--and he'll believe his own defense. She's creating a Romeo/Juliet situation that can actually bond his loyalties to you. Just be smart and let 'friend' damage her own position with BF while you enhance yours with maturity instead of drama.

[Scorpion Fury]

I never said I would force him to end his friendship. I just said I would reconsider whether I wanted to be with someone who would willingly keep such a friendship. It's not about "complying with my wishes". It's about having respect for your partner and your relationship. I can't see any reason why a mature person would keep such an immature friendship. A mature person does not deliberately try to drive a wedge between their friend and their friend's partner. I think someone's willingness to keep such a friendship speaks volumes about them. I think this girl has feelings for him and wants him all to herself, so she will badmouth the OP any way she can. Doesn't sound like a good friendship to me.

[catfeeder]

[...] I wonder if maybe R actually might have been molested as a child or knows someone close to her that did, and maybe that's why she had such a harsh reaction to me making that comment to him?

 

Given that she might be attracted to BF, I'd wager it's just a provocative enough piece of ammunition to keep re-using for the mileage.

 

That doesn't mean its not worn out by now.

 

I'd leave this alone and learn your lesson about reacting dramatically in opposition with BF. It cost you before--don't make the same mistake twice.

 

You can beat this by underplaying instead of overplaying. I'd opt for that and for giving BF a clear message that you've changed your ways.

 

In your corner.

[Scorpion Fury]

Apparently, something I said about it pissed him off really bad (I guess because he felt that I had overreacted about the situation), and he said "Fine. Maybe I'll just go f*ck her then".

 

um, yeah i'd tell him to go have fun with that. peace.

[catfeeder]

I never said I would force him to end his friendship. I just said I would reconsider whether I wanted to be with someone who would willingly keep such a friendship. It's not about "complying with my wishes". It's about having respect for your partner and your relationship. I can't see any reason why a mature person would keep such an immature friendship. A mature person does not deliberately try to drive a wedge between their friend and their friend's partner. I think someone's willingness to keep such a friendship speaks volumes about them. I think this girl has feelings for him and wants him all to herself, so she will badmouth the OP any way she can. Doesn't sound like a good friendship to me.

 

I agree with you more than I've addressed, and I'd probably feel the same way if I were applying this to myself. It's just that we're assisting someone who has not expressed a willingness to ditch the BF.

 

So walking away from BF isn't a workable strategy for her.

 

I also agree that the girl has feelings for BF, and that's exactly why she'll shoot herself. The less you engage her, the faster she'll contrast her ugly hostility against your most loving, sexy, non-bossy, non-drama-queen self.

 

We've all had a history with a friend who we've outgrown over time. He's just not there yet with this one. Give her enough rope, and her most unattractive qualities will do their job.

[hockeyboy]

He should have been the one apologizing from the get go.

[butterfly6585]

Thanks for your continued input everyone. You've all given me a lot to think about.

 

I should also mention that a lot of times R will call my BF up on the weekends and ask if he wants to hang out with her. More often that not though he'll already be hanging out with me. (We're in a long distance relationship and so we usually spend weekends together as well as getting together maybe one day earlier in the week). I've told my BF many times that although I'm sure it might be a bit akward at first, that I'm more than willing to have us meet up with R on the weekends...like maybe going out to lunch or something. But...as I've said before, she refuses to. She then gets all pissed of at him for basically refusing to ditch me to go hang out with her. I've suggested that he hang out with her earlier in the week like on a day when he normally wouldn't be seeing me anyways, but he says that she claims only weekends work for her to her work schedule. (Not sure if that's true or not). So, anyways, next time she asks him to basically ditch me to go hang out with her some weekend, do you think I should actually encourage him to do so? Not that I'm thrilled about him being friends with her since she does seem like she's toxic to our relationship, but I know he also wants to be able to hang out with R at least occasionally. On the other hand though, if he agrees to do that, isn't that like "teaching" R that she can be a b*tch and still get her way?

[catfeeder]

[...] So, anyways, next time she asks him to basically ditch me to go hang out with her some weekend, do you think I should actually encourage him to do so?

 

No. Neutrality doesn't mean working against your own best interests. Just stay out of it. Don't even notice that she called. Go fix both of you a drink or something, and don't ask who that was.

 

On the other hand though, if he agrees to do that, isn't that like "teaching" R that she can be a b*tch and still get her way?

 

Stop trying to put your fingerprints on what he does with this. Leave it alone. You will thank yourself later.

[butterfly6585]

Catfeeder,

The thing is he actually told me last weekend that she called and he asked if I minded if he hung out with her for a little while. I told him that I thought it would be wrong of him to ditch me simply because she's too immature to be willing to hang out with both of us. However, I guess I really should have left it up to him whether or not he wanted to go hang out with her. I really wouldn't have minded too much I guess if he had hung out with her for a few hours as long as I was able to see him again afterwards that same day. I mean, ideally the three of us could hang out together if/when she calls and he's already hanging out with me, but unfortunately that doesn't seem like it's going to be an option anytime soon.

[catfeeder]

I understand. There was nothing wrong with making it clear where you stood. Just avoid letting her escalate this into something that makes you look shrewish along with her. That's what she's trying to do, so don't play.

 

On weekends when he raises that she's called, just ask him what he'd like to do about it instead of offering an opinion.

 

If he ever opts to go see her without you, she'll be the one viewed by him as the pain-in-the-arse for cornering him, and you can't lose, since you're not the one avoiding the trio.

 

As long as you won't buy into the role of her adversary, you win.

[butterfly6585]

Thank you very much for your advice catfeeder (and everyone else)! I really appreciate it.