Well, rock bottom hit!

[matador1972]

Today has been the worst day since the breakup start of sept.

 

Last week i said we couldnt be friends and we had no contact for 5 days that i broke, we had lunch and agreed some rules on us being friends.

 

Today i just thought about things, how i had said i need to know before xmas if she wants to get back together or not (as she refused to rule it out), i then realised this was a mistake, as it left me in another 6 weeks of limbo.

 

I was in my car, and thought about putting my xmas decorations up, started crying, my partner at work phoned me to moan that i wasnt giving work full attention and i broke down, and then talking to my fitness instructor, i told her how i was waiting till xmas for her to decide and she said "are you sure she hasnt already told you" indicating that her actions were saying we were finished for good.

 

Anyway, my mum phones and i break down, cried harder than i have since the beginning, and i feel a bit better, but then my daughter says my wife is coming over to drop something off, i let her in and go to my room. She sees the kids then asks if im in my room, i said i am, she says "can i come in" I say "no" she says "why" i say "im just a bit upset, i dont want you to see me like this", but she insists and i let her in, i dont look at her the whole time. She asks why im upset and i tell her about what happened with my partner, and how i cant keep hanging on a string that i have to just let her go now and it means that we cant be friends, she moans at me for saying one week we can, then the next week we cant, then she says that all this is harder for her because of her work and her parents not being supportive and having not much money and only having one day a week free for herself. She says everyone thinks she is terrible for splitting up the family and the kids arent happy with her, she says that im having the easier time.

 

All this time im just thinking "how could i not see this before, you are so selfish and self absorbed and obviously dont think much of me at all" letting go of her now seems easier, i know we wont have any contact now, i know she is only focussing on herself and i should be doing the same, and i know that she has no thoughts of reconciliation.

 

So, its over, once and for all, ive made the decision not to see her anymore, not to be friends anymore, not to do anything together anymore, and to see her for what she is, selfish and manipulative.

 

i think i really needed to hit rock bottom to then come up, i know the weeks coming up to christmas will be hard, but if i can keep in my head just how self absorbed and selfish she is at the moment, it will make things a lot easier for me, i dont want to be with a person who would rather do all this than resolve what little issues we actually had, because we were happy, everything was normal, she's 39 and had an itch to scratch. 17 and a half years ive done nothing but love that woman and for a good part of it, she has treated me like a doormat for a huge chunk of it.

 

Anyway, vent over, time to get busy living.

[matador1972]

Just got an email from her saying that basically i want a life together that we havent had yet and she dosent want to go back to the life we did have, so i finally have my closure and i can get on with things.

[Taucher]

First off, it's only been 2 months. Thats not long at all.

 

Second, you seem to know the deal here, but I will re-iterate it. You have hit rock bottom as you have finally realised it is over. The real healing can begin now. Rock bottom often comes later after the break in the relationship, and for me, rock bottom came 2 months after she left me, when I too realised that it was well and truly over. It has been six months since she left and I am in no way over this. But things have not been so bad since the 2nd month when I realised that there is nothing I can do.

 

So, it's all up from here. But rock bottom can last a while, so dont be hard on yourself if you dont start to feel stronger for a while. Like I said, I am six months in, and I have periods of time that are close to rock bottom, but they dont last as long, and they dont come as frequently.

 

How you feel, whether you are in despair or are feeling stronger, does not effect the outcome. You probably wont get back together, but if you do, it's when you are over the worst.

 

Hang in there.

 

T

[matador1972]

Cheers mate, really appreciated.

 

I responded to her email saying i agreed with what she said, that we wanted different things and that there is no point trying to save something that is fundamentaly dead.

 

She had mentioned about having xmas day together in the email with the family, to let her know what i wanted to do, i really didnt see any point in doing this, so i told her she can have the kids on xmas day and ill have them in the evening.

 

I got a very curt response saying "i dont think that was what i was saying but oh well, dissapointed that you cant pull it together for one day for the kids, but i suppose i will be the baddy for ruining christmas".

 

So once again, when i try to pull away, the way i read it, she tries to make me feel bad about xmas, and says that she dosent think it is fundamentaly dead, again trying to keep me on a string, well the strings cut now, today is a new start for me, the healing really begins, i know im in for a tough old time, but if every day is better than yesterday, then thats something.

[lookingforhope]

Matador,

Your story hit me hard. You have a lot to get through before the happiness comes, but it will come. You're saying all the right things, you're taking the high and honorable position, but I know how hard it is inside right now. Just do what you have to to get through each day, one at a time. Know that what you're going through is through no fault of your own, and it's OK to be devastated when you need to be. Sometimes in situations like this, the only immediate comfort we can take is knowing that it's OK, even right, to fall apart. Know that it is all part of the long, tried and true process of healing. Every tear you shed is cathartic, so let them flow when you need to. Each drop is one step closer to recovery.

 

She made a very selfish choice at the expense of her family and friends, and no one will fault you for taking some time now to be selfish, as well. This recovery is about you, not her, and you will do what you need to. You're smart enough to know that splitting the kids at Christmas is the right thing to do, no matter whether you're heart's in it 100%. Stick to that inner voice that's guiding these thoughts and you will heal faster.

 

Your life will go on, with or without her, and you will feel better in time. That, at least, is a guarantee.

 

Keep your chin up, and try to take some comfort in knowing that you'll feel better in the coming months, regardless of how this plays out.

 

Best wishes.

[matador1972]

Thanks very much for your kind words, i suppose because i can see now just how manipulative she can be (she's a psychologist, so she can run rings around me verbally), it is making it a little easier, the quip about spoiling xmas for the kids was about as low as it gets, and i just suspect it was designed to make me crumble and back down like i have every time in the past.

 

The difference this time, is i realise there is no going back, not only would be it be a horrendously bad idea to get back together because fundamentally nothing has changed on her part, but she had a total princess complex where i was always playing second fiddle to her and trying to keep her happy rather than trying to make myself happy.

[hummingbird7]

Thanks very much for your kind words, i suppose because i can see now just how manipulative she can be (she's a psychologist, so she can run rings around me verbally), it is making it a little easier, the quip about spoiling xmas for the kids was about as low as it gets, and i just suspect it was designed to make me crumble and back down like i have every time in the past.

 

What about her spoiling life for the kids by breaking up with you...I know I'm exaggerating here and being a bit bitter about it - but she has no right at all to say anything like that to you.

 

If you celebrated xmas together, does she not think the kids would sense that you're just playing happy and are dying inside?

[matador1972]

What about her spoiling life for the kids by breaking up with you...I know I'm exaggerating here and being a bit bitter about it - but she has no right at all to say anything like that to you.

 

If you celebrated xmas together, does she not think the kids would sense that you're just playing happy and are dying inside?

 

Yeh i know she dosent, i dont honestly think she realises how manipulative she can be.

 

Im wondering what no contact will bring, it wasnt a great way to start it, but will she start thinking she made a mistake, or will she just get on with things? I suspect she will just get on with things and forget about me now, but thats what ive got to do, realise its over, move on, i dont want someone back in my life who can manipulate me the way she tries to.

[Spondence]

she had a total princess complex where i was always playing second fiddle to her and trying to keep her happy rather than trying to make myself happy.

 

 

I completely relate to this statement. ugh...

[matador1972]

Not any further forward, ive woken up today feeling absolutely terrible, i know she was out with her date/boyfriend of a month yesterday and im guessing they are physical now, cant get the thought out my head.

 

Its literally driving me crazy.

[SighSob]

Hm. Given that you will think about her and her new boyfriend, here's a couple suggestions to make it suck a little bit less...

 

#1 Try to focus your mind on something else. Really, fill up your day with things to do, especially those that require physical action. Make sure you don't spend time sitting alone in a room because if you do you won't be able to stop your thoughts from going into the forbidden area.

 

#2 Don't give "being physical" too much meaning. Sex is sex...I know you are jealous, but as I said to myself 11 months ago when I was facing the same situation, it's just a penis going back & forth into a vagina...

[matador1972]

Im trying to do that, im working on today that she is gone now, that i have no say in her life, but moreso, she has no say in mine anymore.

 

I cant change anything thats happened, but i can stop feeling so miserable and try to be happy again.