Lost all hope

[curbie]

I'm in complete despair/dis-array. I just talked to my ex g/f tonight and asked her what she thought if we did the NC for 1 month. "If I thought it would work, I'd try it. I'm sorry." Was her final answer. It's gone. 3 1/2 years down the tubes. We were such a wonderful couple and now all my hope/dreams are gone. Here today, gone tomorrow. It's not fair, but life isn't always fair I suppose. I can't help it, but all I can think of right now, is that she'll be happier with some other man. I F'ing hate it so bad. Putting my heart through a blender and pressing the liquify button. I hope I don't go insane or try to kill myself, but it's going to be hard. Don't worry, I'm not gonna OD or stab myself or shoot myself. I think of suicide...who doesn't? I can't really commit suicide...that's the biggest sin of all. (at least in my opinion) I'll probably have to go talk to a therapist and waste my money on that crap. Then there's always going to the doctor (like I have my appointment on Wednesday) and getting another refill on Zoloft or getting some anti depressant that is stronger than Zoloft. I wish it wasn't like this. All she can say is "I'm sorry, if I could change it, I would." But she won't - she says that she knows it won't help matters any if we tried the NC for 1 month. How the heck does a woman know something if they've NEVER tried it? I just don't get it. HOW?

 

I just took down pictures off of my walls in my bedroom and put away some items she gave me into a trunk. This trunk has other keepsake items and valuables that are a part of our 3 1/2 year relationship. 2 scrapbooks and other items. I wonder if I should be an "A-hole" and make a page or two for the break up. Kind of like a milestone marker. July 3rd, 2000 - April 30th, 2004. Then I would probably tell her about the scrapbook. Or should I just not tell her and let her go through the trunk while she will reminiss over what she's throwing away and let her find it on her own? Man, I'm a jerk. Well...she's supposed to call me this weekend to let me know if I can come over for cake/icecream for her mother's birthday. She's not so sure, b/c I upset her mom last week, too. I bought her mom a nice gift and a nice card and apologized in the card. It was the least I could do. If not, I don't know what she'll say to our original plans of going out for dinner. I suppose after those two plans are over with, I won't bother talking to her at all. I'll probably pretend to hate her until I forget about her or something. It will be hard and all I can think about is some other guy getting her. What a lucky $*#@%! he'll be.

 

I hate starting all over again. I won't feel comfortable. Oh well....life is a #$%%^! then you die I guess.

 

Sorry for my rude/emotional post...had to get it off my chest.

[mahlina]

Hey Curbie,

 

Don't say that you're sorry for feeling the way that you do. It's okay, you're just being human. I did not think that you were being rude. In fact, I think that you are being too hard on yourself. It's okay that things like these happen. Relationships don't always work out the way that we plan them unfortunately. But, if her heart's not telling you what you want to hear, if her decisions are to walk out on you, then just realize that it's neither of your guys' faults. Sometimes, it's hard to let go of the ones that we love, but that's just a part of life. Sometimes our loved one's die. Sometimes, we wished things didn't happen the way that they did, but you know what? You're learning from all of this. You are! You grow stronger from these mishaps.

 

Don't beat yourself over this k? I understand how you feel. I truly do. And thinking about suicide, sure, it's only human that we think of things out of 'irrationality' in times of crisis. Trust me, I've been there. Lots of times, we think this way, because we feel like we cannot face the 'impossible' anymore. Hang in there. Healing does take time. What's happening right now, is you're holding onto her. It's like holding onto something, or someone that's dead. This is my analogy, though at times, I wish my father was alive again, holding onto him, and not letting go of him, is like what I do in a relationship. What I need to realize is that, that relationship is forever 'dead.' What I realize is that, we must face our fears, and let go of the ones that we love, and just wish the best for them. That's the only thing that we can do.

 

We try so much to have 'control' of our lives, and our saddness, that sometimes, it's just best that we take it as a something that we 'don't have control of.' Lots of things happen in life that we can't control. The only thing that we can control, is ourselves. Just know that you are still that same person prior to engaging in the relationship. Know that tomorrow will be a brighter day, and that there is someone 'else' out there for you. Ride along the path of fate. Ease your soul and heartaches, and take this one step at a time.

 

You are doing the right thing by the way. I smiled when you said you need money for a therapist. That's okay. You're being mature by taking initiative for moving on. Oh, and my last advice, try not to 'hope' about this weekend. Don't invest too much emotions into seeing or talking to her. By doing that, you could be setting yourself up for failure, and thereforeeee, misery. Sometimes, if you dig deeper, you'll only dig a grave for yourself. Okay, bad analogy, but what I'm saying is: Try not to make the situation worse than it is. When we contact our ex's, we have to face the fact that they won't be that same person that we fell in love with. They won't tell us what we want to hear. In fact, they'll probably tell you just the opposite of what you're hoping for. I've learned that once it's ended, we can't pull or twist someone's arms to love us, but realize that we deserve people who will better for us. We need to find that mutual compatibility.

 

Take your break-up in stride k? I kinda think of it as the "Hemmingway Approach." Handle your heartaches with "Grace Under Pressure." That's what life's all about. Learning from our weaknesses, so that we'll gain strength. I hope this helps. I know it might not be the best thing that you want to hear, but sometimes, the truth hurts.

 

Another antidote that I suggst is to affectively take out your frustrations. One of the things that I do to 'heal' is to download music. I love listening to 'grunge' music when I fall back into my depressive moods. Perhaps you can download:

Hoobastank- 'Reason'

Evanescense- 'My Immortal' (Not grunge, but a beautiful song)

 

These two songs help to make me think, and thereforeeee, gives me a better perception of what's going on. I think that it's important that you have time to reflect.

 

Then, you can listen to songs that help you to get back on your feet. Whatever songs that energize you. Personally, for me, trance helps me to feel energized. Or Enya. I know, it might sound girly, but hey, your 'heart's hurting right now,' and the best thing that you can do for now, is 'mend it,' in the best possible, and 'healthiest' way that you can. Hope this Helps!

 

Much Love,

Mahlina

 

P.S.- Just remember, you are strong! Your emotions are all in your head. Healing will not happen over night, but every step that you take to heal, will make your mind stronger. You will be okay. Take Care.

[curbie]

I want to thank you both very much for your input. I appreciate it so very much 8)

 

BigSyke> I think I will take the time and invest in myself - such as tanning and working out. I have been wanting to lose my stomach and I am white as a ghost! I think working out will be a huge help for me both mentally and physically. I tend to break things when I'm upset or want to just beat on a wall, but if I'm lifting or maybe throwing punches in a punching bag, then I suppose it would help me vent my frustrations. If anything by lifting, it will motivate me to become a better "me". 8)

 

Mahlina> You are so very kind. Thank you for your words of wisdom. You're right, I won't give up my hopes for this weekend. I shall try and look for those two songs you suggested. I like Evanescense and Enya a bit anyways. 8) If I could hug you for your help/advice I would, so here is a *hug* anyway.

 

Thanks for your sincereity, both of you!

[curbie]

I just wanted to say that I absolutely love the Hoobastank song, "The Reason" It REALLY does let others (such as my ex g/f) know how I feel. I also downloaded the "My Immortal" song - thanks for those two songs. I laughed at the name Hoobastank and thought it was a goofy name, but I think I will start listening to some more of this band!

 

Just wanted to express many thanks - I will be ok and start looking forward to investing some serious time into myself. I'm going to start working out lifting, tanning, etc...get myself some energy and start a new "me". 8) Any input/suggestions/comments?

[mahlina]

Hi Curbie,

 

I know, I love that song. Here's there website if you're interested. You can actually here their other popular songs as well. link removed

 

I know what you mean. I can relate to this song too! My ex called and left 4 messages on my cell, saying that he's sorry. I didn't return any of it. I had enough of the bull. I thought, "Yeah right! He's just pulling my leg. If he was sorry, then he should do something about his behavior. He's just all talk." But, deep down inside, I wish he meant what he said. This song's just wishful thinking. It helps me to realize that I can forgive him and move on, and that I will find better. I can just imagine him singing this song to me, sincerely feeling 'sorry' for the damage that he's done. Evanescense, "My Immortal" is just a reflection of my feelings for him, during out time that we spent apart.

 

I think that it's important that we face the 'facts' of our breakup. By listening to songs that help us to 'reflect', we allow ourselves to grieve, and then let go. Then, listening to music that will inspire us, will help us to find that 'upbeatness' and 'confidence' that we need, to pull through with our emotions. Curbie, so far, I think that you're handling this quite well. I'm glad that you realize that you can let go and move on. Besides, if the relationship doesn't work out while we're just involved in'boyfriend/girlfriend' relationships, then what makes us think that it will last in 'marriage' right?

 

I'm glad that you know that you can move on. A tan would be nice! Perhaps, you can take on 'new' interests. Perhaps you can learn how to surf, or engage in physical activities, so that your workout routine doesn't have to be so repetitive and boring. That's probably a good reason why I stopped enrolling in my gym membership. I think that my next interest is enrolling in a dance production class at school over the summer. I also want to take up culinary arts, or even cosmetology as a side hobby, not a career. I think that whatever you choose to do Curbie, it should be to benefit you as a person. What I mean is, the activities should help to create a 'new' you. Not a 'depressed' you. Life's too short to sit and moap about failed relationships.

 

Break-ups are truly a time of personal growth. My best advice is to get in touch with what you enjoyed doing as a kid. Perhaps it could be baseball, astronomy, whatever it is that caught your eyes as a kid. You can dig deeper, and build onto those interests. After all, they're a part of who you are. In this process, you're learning about self-confidence, by endeavoring on things that you didn't know before. You're improving on yourself. Most of all, it serves as a "It's your lost" kinda attitude to the ex. You see, if they see that they've won complete control over your emotions, then it just feeds onto their ego.

 

Curbie, you can also try a makeover. I know, it might sound feminine, but perhaps a 'new' look will help. Buy new clothes. I love it when I have a 'new' outfit. It makes me feel professional, and not as grungy and depressed. That will do the trick. A 'new' look will help you to identifiy in yourself, by allowing you to know that you're still young and full of energy, and that nothing's stopping you. That's why, if I take on a cosmetology class, perhaps, in my future career, I can supplement it in the medical field, by letting patients know that even though they're sick, they are still beautiful with a makeover! I love giving both men and women makeovers. That's my passion. It's to envision 'improvment' in others.

 

Also, perhaps you can go to the bookstores, and read up on things that you like. Whatever you do, keep yourself busy. Find 'new' aspirations! You can try looking up on the "Dewey Code" system. It's about an inventory of your personality. I had a crack up, just reading on it. It's sooo true, what the book tells you. I'm glad that you took my advice about the two songs. Now, you can dig into things that will 'recreate that passion' in your life! The Dewey Code book, helped me to realize who I am. This is truly your time for 're-invention.' Take this pain in stride, and empower your mind learning new things. Have fun on this 'healing process.' Perhaps, you can also spoil yourself with a 'cheesecake.' Hehe.

 

Best of Luck to Ya!

Mahlina

 

P.S.- I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better. It makes me happy when I see that the people around me are happy! Yay!

[curbie]

Mahlina> I sent you a PM - please let me know if you got it 8)

 

Curbie

[TrueHeart]

Good for you! I just recently broke up with my ex about 2 months ago. We're still friends, but nothing more. I have had time to really reevaluate my life and choices. It was very hard at first, in fact, the first 3 weeks really sucked-- but I've been really making goals for myself....

 

Don't chalk your relationship up as a LOSS.... Focus on what you LEARNED and apply it!

[curbie]

True Heart> I don't chalk it up as a loss. I do however take what you say and apply it. I chalk it up as something I will learn from. I've always done that in the past and will continue to do so. Thanks for your advice

[determined]

Curbie

 

I'm with you mate. I sit 7 months down the line whilst my ex is with a complete loser and think there is absolutely nothing I can do. I nearly drive myself insane thinking of how we used to be, laugh together, live together, sleep together, hug each other and now what...nothing!!! That's all happening with someone else.

 

The hardest thing to accept is that you can't have the one and only thing you want in life. I would (stupidly) sacrifice my job, my wealth...anything to be with my ex again. She gives me glimmers of hope here and there whilst still with this other guy and believe me...in the long run...it's worse than a full blank NO.

 

You can make it mate, we all can, it's just we decide to become victims of our own self persecution. One thing I really got upset about whilst on a business trip was how lonely I feel. I mean I have my friends but they aren't like Jo, my ex. They don't know me like her, they can't comfort me like her and they can't giggle with me like her...but then I had almost an enlightening....she's not there anymore but remember...you were ther all through it mate. You only have yourself now and yourself to keep you company. I think people who talk to themselves when lonely are the most sane people (obviously not the dribbling crazy people).

 

My point being is that it is so so so so important to register that you are not alone and that you are not the only one feeling the pain. In your experience this is a tradgedy...but you weren't married, you dont have kids....it could be worse which is lame I know but it could be. You were there throughout the whole relationship thereforeeee you aren't alone.

 

And at the end of the day mate....who really knows what people will feel in 2 months, 1 year, 3 years, she may come back running despite the way she feels now.

 

My ex tells me she loves me and misses me and wants to marry me...yet she is with another and says we needed time apart. True I couldnt have acghieved what I have done work wise dad we been together...we are also separated by 300 miles until I move back to uni in Sept, she's hinting that this would be when we know what will happen...who can tell Curbie.

 

Life is a rollercoaster it goes up but it also goes down, remember it's just a ride nothing more nothing less because at the end of the day who is to say what is real and what isn't at any point of your life.

 

Stay safe, you're not alone, 000s of people are crying into their pillows tonight...one may be a girl who is perfect for you further down the line....christ i feel like crying myself now

[curbie]

Dang man! Well said! *claps* Take care though. My thoughts/prayers go out to all who are in our state of mind right now.

[catter]

I can feel your hurt. I'm going through the initial stage right now. And its killing me. I got the same response tonight, "no", "its over", never again". I can only say that we are in the same boat. Your not alone, and i'm hurting just as much.

[AB38]

I haven't gotten the "no" yet. I'm in real pain right now, just hope the NC thing works and she realizes what she lost. Good luck to all.