Can you win someone back while staying friends?

[matador1972]

I started no contact last week after the previous few weeks of getting on really well with my ex (we were together nearly 18 years).

 

We split up 2 months ago, in the last few weeks she has told me that she misses me, that she still loves me, that im still her best friend, openly flirted with me a few times, all good indicators that we may have a future. She also refuses to rule out a reconciliation at some point.

 

Negatives, she is dating although i dont think seriously, maybe 3 or 4 days with one guy.

 

I broke no contact today when i saw her car parked accross the street from my mums and knocked on her window to have a brief chat. I then texted her saying that it was rubbish that we couldnt be friends, she responded positively and have been chatting and texting most of the evening.

 

I suggested some ground rules for us to stay friends, 1) that we dont talk about any dating that we are doing 2) we dont talk about getting back together until its something she wants 3) no flirting 4) no talking about the past. She agreed these were all good ground rules and we have restarted our friendship on that basis, we are going to spend most of saturday together on our own and part of the time with our two teenage daughters.

 

We had been getting along well like this the past few weeks, going to concerts and dinner and what not, but am i doing the right thing? She told me last week that she nearly caved and came back to me the week before, i know i shouldnt make myself so available for her, but as well as my wife and partner, she was and still is my best friend and this is what i miss. I can deal with the fact she is dating because i am too and i know its something she has to go through if we are ever to get back together.

 

As she does like spending time with me, should i just try and develop this by being good company and having fun when we are together or should i go back into no contact which just seemed to make both of us miserable?

[justletgo07]

You know both her and yourself better than anyone here. While we can all give you opinions on what to do, you ultimately have the information that is most important. Don't let people's opinions cloud what you feel would be best given what you know about her and your situation.

 

My suggestion would be: If it hurts, don't do it. Don't stick around and provide her all of the good parts of the relationship without any of the commitment, especially if it hurts you. Best thing I can tell you to do is be patient, keep your expectations low, and be prepared to walk away if things do not move in the direction that you are wanting.

[matador1972]

Thanks.

 

The last 4 times we have seen each other, i have only felt down after the last time, and thats because we were talking about the people we were seeing on dates and it made my mind wander a bit, the previous 3 times we just had a great time in each others company actually, on the second time, it was her that was upset and crying.

 

I think if we both stick to the groundrules then theres no reason why i should be hurt by seeing her, I do want to reconcile still, and i guess in my heart i dont think that can happen if we are out of each others lives.

 

I also know that probably there is someone out there more suitable for me, but ive yet to find anyone that does it for me the way she does, and i cant really explain why, probably history more than anything else.

[Hopeless1234]

i feel your pain. i really thought if i could be friends with my ex and be there for her/support her that somehow the magic would return. obviously all relationship are different. in my experience, i realize that she's getting what she wants from me and i'm not getting any of what i want back in return. i just don't think two people who had been in a serious relationship can be friends.... for a long long long time. you are just asking for it. i do agree that NC is not necessarily the answer either. however, i think you have to go through a significant time of NC for you to be ok before you even try your hand at friendship. you have to be at a point where you are ok whether you guys are just friends or whether you guys get back together. besides, right now she's getting all the benefits of having you in her life without offering you the relationship that you want. how would she realize what she's missing when you are there in her life?

 

just my two cents.

 

sorry if all that doesn't make sense. i'm writing this and i feel bit light headed so who knows what i just wrote.

[matador1972]

Thanks for your input, i suppose i can still see in her eyes that she really does miss me (she has said as much as well), which might mean its a good time to go no contact, on the other hand i know its not a quick process that will resolve itself in a matter of weeks, she has to get whatever it is she has to get out of her system as we split up 3 and a half years ago for 7 weeks and ended up back to square one, i think because she never had the time to realise what we actually have together.

 

im spending saturday with her, after that ill stay on friendly terms but not invite her out to anything, probably the best way to go about it.

[DenverBachelor]

Can a monkey ever get hungry while wearing a backpack full of cheese?

[TomboyMS]

Can a monkey ever get hungry while wearing a backpack full of cheese?

 

Say what?

[jimmajam]

Can a monkey ever get hungry while wearing a backpack full of cheese?

 

No. No he cannot.

[Kerrian]

An important question to ask yourself and indeed answer entirely truthfully to yourself is - can you be content with just friends?

Will you always be wanting something more, will it hurt you to see her and never have the same connection again.

Can you be happy just having her as part of your life and not at the centre of it?

 

Because as much as we crave friendship with our exs, if it's just going to be torture, then it isn't better for either party.

Are you just setting yourself up for a disappointment when she turns around and says that she doesn't want anything more, and never will. Will you keep being her friend then?

 

I think those are all questions we need to ask ourselves if we're going to truly try and be friends with our ex-partners.

I loved my ex very much, we were planning to marry, we had life pretty much planned out always together...until he turned around and decided he couldn't do that.

 

We're trying to be friends again, because neither of us wants to lose the other person - and it's difficult from my (and your) side.

Sometimes I feel like friendship is a pale comparison to the love we had before, sometimes I'm disappointed bitterly, sometimes I really crave more, and sometimes I find myself in tears after he's been "just a friend" to me. It's not easy.

But breakups work differently for different people. NC, although it works in so many cases, isn't the only solution - and I do believe that things can be worked out aimably - but it's not easy, and it's certainly not painless.

 

Please don't follow up this friendship with her if it's only to try and win her back, because you will find yourself miserable and disappointed at every bad turn. But if you really truly want to keep each other in each other's lives as friends - then NC might not be for you as much as others. If you can be content with just being friends from now on - then follow this up. If you're still trying desperately to win her back, then yes - go NC because you'll just be torturing yourself if you keep searching for signs of her coming back in friendship.