jealous over porn?

[strawberrywine]

About a month ago I found porn websites on my boyfriends computer. We talked about it and I told him how bad it made me feel, he decided on his own to give it up. The thing is, when we talked about it he said "it's not like I jacked off to it or anything." So that made me feel better. Then yesterday we were talking about it again, and he told me he had jacked off to it once maybe a week after we started going out. This actually hurts much worse. I feel like that soon into the relationship he shouldn't even be thinking about other girls, much less getting off to them naked. I know I can't end the relationship over this, but I don't know how to get passed it. I just can't stop thinking about it. I have terrible problems with anxiety and OCD already. He is a great guy though, I know that he really loves me. Please can someone help?

[sisterlynch]

It is time to revisit the topic of your feelings over porn with him. He should be as willing to talk about it as he is to look at it -- I would think, unless he feels guilty about it, which I bet that he doesn't feel that way, though I wonder...

 

When you are talking about it stress that it makes you uncomfortable that he feels a need to hide a portion of his sexuality from you. Ask him to delete what he has been looking through occasionally so that when you search again the next time you will not be so overwhelmed by the porn that he is looking through.

 

Ask him what he gains by looking at the women in the porn that he doesn't get by looking at you?

 

I would also tell him that you dont like the slang terms for masturbation. That makes it ok to do, in men's eyes, because they come up with all these silly little terms for it rather than to call it for what it is....

[mahlina]

Hmm...I know how you feel! My last ex was a 'porn freak.' Since you do have anxiety problems (I don't know what OCD is), but whatever it is, I think that you do need tender loving care. But, what you must realize is, some men do this as a matter of taking out their 'sexual frustrations.' I don't get it either. I don't understand where they can just get off of that 'high' just looking at stuff like that. But, women are different. That's how we think, but men think differently. So, don't feel hurt because he looks at porn. Just realize that it doesn't mean that he loves you less, because he looks at porn. (BTW, I doubt that he jacked off just 'once'. He denied it the first time, so the 2nd time around, he decides to admit to the truth, but only says it happned 'once'...right! Just like some celebrities get caught for cheating, and claim that it only happened once! Okay now!) I know, love is blind, but if it's getting to the point where you're feeling really bugged by it, then listen to your hunch.

 

I didn't realize it, but my ex was into porn like crazy. Well, just be careful with that. There is a certain limit, in which some men admire 'porn,' but when it's done excessively, just be very careful with it! In the cases in which they are to the 'extremes,' my counselor told me this, "Men who watch porn 'excessively,' tend to be the one's who are among those who rape, verbally abuse, and/or physically abuse women." Why, because they tend to be the 'womanizers.' I will not say that all men, who watch porn are 'womanizers,' but just the ones who are into it 'hardcore.' So sweetie, listen to your hunch! I should've listened to mine, but I allowed myself to think the 'best out of him.'

 

Well guess what, he ended up hitting me, physically pushing me, punching me, slapping me, cussing, and verbally tearing me down inside! I guess what my counselor tried telling me is, "If men do it excessively, don't be surprised that they are 'womanizers,' who tend to view women as 'sex objects.' They tend to like control." After thinking about what she said. What I can tell you is, if he's doing this to excessively, then "Let this be a red flag warning!" You don't need to encounter those who will make your 'anxiety' worse. Trust him. Let him watch it, but beware of his behavior. I.E. Putting other women down, by making 'sexist' remarks. If his behavior of doing this, goes hand in hand with watching porn excessively, then just be careful.

 

I know, my advice might sound 'extreme,' but I'm just giving you the 'extreme' side of the situation, so that you can listen to your 'hunch', to protect yourself from getting physically abused like I did. A small thing like this can seem 'irrellavent', but it can add up to a dangerous ingredient. So, sweety, trust me. Listen to your hunch. Be careful. I regret not listening to mine, and now I'm still traumatized of meeting such a 'bad' individual, someone who had the nerve to hit me, and not feel remorse for it!

 

So be wise! Think twice! Don't buy his word for it! Trust yourself! If something doesn't feel right, then don't let the relationship escalate further. But, if you do decide to let this be a 'learning lesson,' then just realize that if he's not repsecting you for your worth, then it's his problem, because to him, women (except his mother) are nothing, but 'objects of desire.'

 

Please take my word for it!

Mahlina

[MrKawabata]

Dear strawberrywine,

 

The fact that your boyfriend is looking at porn is a real issue as far as I am concerned. It is damaging your relationship. You are absolutely right - he shouldn't be thinking of any other girl other than yourself. If he can't give up his infatuation with porn, and if he can't make you no.1 girl, then try and find someone who will. You deserve more respect from a guy, and you need to know and feel at peace knowing that you are his only and true love.

 

Hope that helps,

Mr Kawabata.

[Sk8r55]

it's addicting, trust me... im an addict, and my girfriend doesnt have a problem with it... but... im trying to stay off it, it makes me feel really guilty... and im not a womanizer, and i actually dont like to be in control of our relationship... *shrugs*

[Lizbeth]

Hi. I've been having "porn looking and hidding from wife" problem too for a looong time. It's a fact that men are very different from us and they just like porn. My husband use to hide movies and magazines from me even before getting married. I thought it's was a bachelor thing and that it would stop once he had a real woman living with him but it didn't... what bothered me most was the Hidding issue and it hurts a lot. Don't expect a man to suddenly stop liking/looking at porn; it takes a lot of conversation for them to understand how bad and insecure it makes you feel as a woman. We had a lot of fights but i knew that demanding him to just stop doing it could end on him hidding it more. Look, there's sex stores that have little rooms where they go and pay to look at a movie for an hour!!! so, what's the point on obligating him to stop when porn is available everywhere. I know this is a long story but to solve this problem and get to the happy ending it's having took a long time. My husband and me really enjoy great playfull sex and we love each other very much.

 

I started investigating A LOT on internet, books , etc and i told him we could watch porn together and then what happeneded was not what i expected: we had fun watching porn (i don't have any problem with porn) but then he rented movies EVERYDAy and we had another fight because i expected it to be a Sometimes thing not the "only thing we did" so he stoped doing that; but then in a month i found a hidden video somewhere and then another fight. To wrap it up, it took a lot of talking to him and explaining my feelings. Why he didn't trust me enough to tell me once a week or so "hey, let's rent porn and watch it together". why the lies and hide? well, he finally told me " baby, i just like porn; i've always enjoyed it and have always had problems with exgirfriends about it. I don't mean to hurt you in any way but i hide it because for me it's just a thing - I have to hide because women don't like it!-. He told me that he was not renting a lot and was not watching at porn in our computer because i alwas found out and get mad.

Now he understands that lies is was hurt me more and I kind of understand and respect him too. WE rent movies once in a while and have fun with it. He has taken me to sex stores to pick movies and when we rent he tries to rent things he know i'll enjoy and not fricky things. I bought him 2 movies that we watch too sometimes and once in a while he will look at porn in our computer (he jut opens the main website and looks at the pictures but do not suscribes or downloads).

 

We're still working on it and now I understand him better and respect him and as with every other thing when you have a serious relationship BOTH have to make adjustments to be BOTH more comfortable with each other. Yesterday we had Great sex and today an hour ago he went out with our kid to the park . I went to check my mails and saw that he opened some porn websites. As long as he's not watching insane things, I don't get mad anymore. When he gets back he'll maybe tell me that he opened porn today or i'll ask him and he'll "carefully" tell me. But, now we don't fight about it anymore and there's still work to do in our relationship until we are both balanced about this topic.

 

This is MY case and you have to be carefull with this. If your guy is behaving violent, or something, or you find -sex with animals- or sick things that he's watching, be carefull and decide if you want to work out the problem with him, or end the relationship. And if he doesn't care about your feelings and/or don't even listens to you when you lovingly express your feelings, then i would suggest maybe getting him out of your life and move on. Ah! and if you don' like porn at all look for a guy that is not into it.

 

Good luck!!!

[neva_black_n_white]

you cant stop a man enjoying a fantasy and these women are not enticing him in anyway, its just something he does, its likely that maybe a man walks past you and in that instant you think, oh he was quite attractive or maybe you start thinking over a sex scene or something erotic on tv, its all the same thing, he could complain about any simeple thing you do and assume from things. but the main thing is, your man is being honest about whats happening not denying it.

 

its not harmful, but if its something that really affects you then tell him about it.

 

kel

[strawberrywine]

Thanks for all help. He doesn't look at it anymore. My problem is that after only a week into our relationship he was getting off to other women.

[JonnyG]

Almost all guys view porn, u shouldn't worry about it, unless its excessive.

 

EDIT: Having said that, there are many women who also view porn as well. And u could why don't us men get suspious and jealous when many woman also use vibrators/dildos????

[bear]

Unforunately it is a fact of life that any man who claims they arent interested in seeing women naked is telling a lttle white lie (unless they are gay of course). Which doesnt help at all. I know exactly how you feel. It is frustrating when other people (especially men) dont understand the emotions you feel when you know your man is looking at porn. I have always been quite jealous anyway, and finding porn pictures on his computer really made me think about what i didnt have that those "girls" did. In fact the answer was nothing. I think it was more the thrill and excitement for him, rather than making up for inadequecies that I thought I had. I am only 21 after all! (and blond and slim and i must say attractive!). In fact I suggested I get a job in a lap dancing bar (i wouldnt actually do it) - that soon shut him up. I think that helped him to realise where I was coming from - it's ok for men to perv but it's not ok to have your woman perved at??!! Well a touchy subject as you can tell, but ive found a soltuion that suits both of us.

My answer was - make my own porn for him to look at when im not there. I took some pictures, and emailed them to him when he least expected it. Nothing crass - just lingerie shots and that sort of thing. Our sex life was great and I knew it would be me he was excited about instead of those strangers on porn sites. As this progressed and i felt more confident and comfortable doing this, i suggested we make a porn video of our own. It doesnt turn me on like it does him - but thats what makes it so exciting. Maybe you could give this a go? It doesnt have to be sleazy or anything - just seeing you two having sex will be enough of a turn on for him. Perhaps you could watch it together and you never know...you might be hooked in the same way so many people apparently are to porn!

Good luck. I know this will work. Remember it is the thrill of it. Anyone who says it is because he does not find you sexually attractive is lying. You will soon come to see this when you see his reactions.

[gypsysong]

hey! i think that the issue lies within yourself and not your man. It really isnt that bad that he watches porn and lord forbid if he enjoys it! i mean its nature....and i dont think that its a matter of him being in a relationship a week with you and gettin off from other woman...maybe its as simple as a mans thinking with most things and it is just sex...watching sex and getting horny. my bf watches porn ...but not as much as me... and sometimes i start to get a lil jealous becos i think that he is thinking of them over me...but thats my insecurities ... if i were more secure in myself i wouldnt be thinking 'what do those girls have that i dont!'

thing is he was watching porn a long time b4 you came along and will continue to watch it if you leave him or not, and good luck trying to find a man that doesnt watch porn at some time. when me and bf watch it together... i am the one focused on the chick, looking at her body her hair her face and thats natural to do so...woman notice a hell of a lot more than men we all know that...so what makes you think he has even noticed how she looks...he is prob just looking at the "rude parts" lol ...but its true......

i think that the problem with relationships is that one of the two ppl in it often think that becos they are WITH the another person and sharing themselves with them that they can change the things they have always been doing, to suit themselves and their own beliefs...but we are all on our own...we are individuals ..human beings...not animals that can be trained to fit the handler. if your man enjoys porn .... you should enjoy that he enjoys it because if you really love him you want him to be happy, and let him be the person he has been way before you came along...(not by any means condoning him to sleep around with others cos he is just 'like that') but yeah if you know you are pleasing your man enough you will feel secure, if he wants to wank over some porn who cares ya know..... maybe he is horny ... and not being completely satisfied and what would you rather...him wank to a porn or go out and sneak around on ya with others. i know which one i would rather....and hey if you cant beat em join em i reckon!!!

 

PS just read johnnyg's post ... so true! why is it woman can use whatever she likes to please herself like dildos and vibrators .... i mean if my bf went out and bought a blow up fanny thingymejig i would be a lil funny lol but yeah its alright for woman to have her toys...... cos she knows she is not up to anything mentally ... but when her man watches porn she thinks he is getting off from other women...its just PORN!!! sex sex sex naked women having sex ...as if that isnt something beautiful anyway... i like to see it and im not a lesbian...just think woman are sexy creatures!!!

[strawberrywine]

thanks that helps a whole bunch. I agree, he prolly just wants to look at the "rude parts" ;-) and not actually the girl as a whole. Anyways, thanks.

[gypsysong]

well i really dont think you should be concerned unless you are realllllly ancient in your ways...and i dont think you are....

dont stress so much sweetie...i know its hard not to worry bout ya man with other woman ...cos i do too...but yeah even if he is looking at the woman in the porns faces.....which i doubt....cos really face...or willy n fanny hehe..and for yourself why dont you when he isnt around watch some porn clips from the net or something...even if you think its not doing anything just keep watching and you will feel funny after a bit....i like them aye...they get me as close to man thinking as i can lol and that is about sex more! before i started watching by myself i wasnt into them...and prob would have felt funny to stumble accross secret porn sites...i am all for honesty.. anyway i watch it more than he does... and he doesnt think like i would and say 'do you think his willy is bigger than mine...are you checkin out his ass....your thinking your doing it with him arent you!' lol it just turns him on...cos i am more willing to do more things..... so yeah i think you should watch some yaself....find things ya like to watch...there are so many types...and see how ya go!

[Scout]

Actually, I'd be more upset if he was looking at porn after we were a long-time established couple, as opposed to just a week into the relationship where the commitment isn't as solid yet.

[mirabella]

It was after looking at this site that I decided to look at my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for 9 months and I often thought about checking up on him, but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I'm not stupid - I didn't even bother with the history - but went straight to 'search' anything under jpeg, mpeg, windows media player - as we can be pretty sure it's not his CV saved under that, right?

Well I found straight porn - unnattractive older women performing S&M. That fairly surprised me - my stomach went upside down to be honest. Wasn't I slim, pretty? How COULD he risk losing me over stuff like that?

 

But it was SHE-MALES that made up the majority. I have no way to explain how I feel. I mean, how can you be jealous of something that isn't even a woman? But the shock was indescribable.

I wanted to catch him out about it. I should have, after all ...he has denounced porn since the day we met. But I was too enraged &confronted him as soon as he walked in the door. We talked, he cried, we made up.

He says looks at this stuff, but would never want it to actually happen. I was hurt by a year of lying, and said he was forgiven, but that we couldn't stay together if he did it again. So much for my willpower.

Commuting back the next day, I couldn't get this place out of my head: I'd thought about this old cupboard with a removable panel in the kitchen. I got home and looked and found what I'd somehow known was there: 6 DVD's, 2 straight, 4 about these transexuals.

Before I knew what I was doing, they were smashed in a pile on the floor.

 

We argued for days, and there were tears and confessions. If you are the sort of girl that needs to read this site, it's possible you will never be able to stop asking "why was I not enough?" "I don't need to look at other men all the time." "aren't I more than attractive enough for him?". I was no different. He swears it's behind him ...because he's so relieved it's out. I know you can't change a 7 year habit. He might believe it, I don't. I think he's kidding himself.

So my solution was this, and you might not like the next part, but it's helping me. I wanted him to feel just how I felt, but I also wanted to have my cake and eat it as he had done. I live Holland. All porn is available to me almost instantly. Nobody notices a young woman in a porn shop here. So I dared myself into a shop, and purchased pornography that would please ME.

The fact that it's made him jealous means he understands what he's done to me. He's very possessive &really does not want me to fantasise about having 2guys at once. But I do. Perhaps a lot of women do, I don't know. I hope you will not think I'm disgusting.

Before the discovery I would think about it, but after I found out it gave me the nerve and the justification to admit it to myself and indulge in it as he's done. Everytime I start to dwell on the porn he had, I remember the dvd's I have, and how it's only fictional fun.

And he in turn knows that he should have sacrificed that side of himself if he wanted me to stay 'cute and innocent'. He now recognises what it is to lie, so now we are slowly talking about why he likes to watch things he does, and why I do.

Result: He feels accepted and like a man instead of a freak, and I've faced up to the fact that I was probably so jealous because I was in a bit of denial myself.

There will be a lot of women who will always hate all types of porn outright. You have the right to. It will always hurt. But if anyone feels a little like the way I do then this might help.