Feeling completely alone and confused again

[matador1972]

7 weeks into the split, we still see each other quite a lot due to a number of factors.

 

1) Our two teenage daughters.

2) I keep inviting her out and she keeps accepting

 

I know 2) is doing me no good, i felt really low on Friday, so after inititally saying we wouldnt have any contact for November, she agreed to coming out next week with me on Wednesday. I saw her yesterday unexpectedly when she was at the house, and she was upset for the first time since the split (first time i have seen her upset), so i spent last night thinking maybe she is having second thoughts.

 

I asked my daughter if she knew was she was upset and she tells me that she was upset about missing the dog and the girls as i have had them for the past 8 days, but rather than playing it cool when she was upset, i told her that she knew she can come back anytime she wants.

 

Anyway, as she is walking out the door, she says ill come over before work tomorrow for a bit (no reason to), so again i stupidly text her and ask if she wants to have dinner which she said would be nice.

 

So now i have two periods of contact with her this week, she is dating already, she has never mentioned a resolution, but surely she can see that agreeing to see me is torturing me, rather than helping us all move on.

[jojo23]

If she is dating i'm confused as to why she keeps accepting your invitations talk about having your cake and eating it getting the best of both worlds, she knows you will just open the door to her so she has total control over whatever kind of relationship your having.

Don't be a push over, if you can genuinely work past this together great.

BUT DON'T BE USED! and don't hold on to this thinking there won't be anything else out there that will make you happy.

Stay strong.

[catfeeder]

You can't control her behavior, only your own. I'd also avoid setting the kids up as your eyes and ears--really not fair to them.

 

In your corner.

[matador1972]

Well it was a funny weekend, she came over and had dinner last night, i said to her that it she preferred we dont have to see each other any more, she said that she likes seeing me, im starting to feel that she is starting to thaw, when she left last night she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then when we got down the stairs she held my hand for a second then let it slip away as she walked off.

 

I am now cutting off all contact with her, if she comes up when she drops off the kids tonight then ill know she is actively seeking out reasons to come and see me.

[rapunzel]

Well it was a funny weekend, she came over and had dinner last night, i said to her that it she preferred we dont have to see each other any more, she said that she likes seeing me, im starting to feel that she is starting to thaw, when she left last night she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then when we got down the stairs she held my hand for a second then let it slip away as she walked off.

 

I am now cutting off all contact with her, if she comes up when she drops off the kids tonight then ill know she is actively seeking out reasons to come and see me.

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation but something jumped out at me from your post. If you ask her if she "prefers" that you don't see each other anymore, then you are just placing yourself in her hands and giving her all the power. She already has ALL the power so don't give her anymore. You have to decide if you want to see HER anymore. Right now you are making things really easy for her. She gets the emotional comfort of spending time with you, the father of her children, and she is quite secure in the knowledge right now that you WANT her and you will BE THERE for her. You have to cut the safety net if you want to get anywhere. She is dating another guy, and has the excitement and novelty of a new guy....and the warm, safe place to fall with you. So you get the kiss on the cheek and the touch on the hand....but what is HE getting?

 

I think you should pull way, WAY back here. No more dates, no more dinners. Play hardball. Cut her off but be nice about it. Do it with love but be firm. Don't show her your cards. Be as mysterious as possible except for the contact that you must have over your two daughters.

 

Even if "surely she can see that agreeing to see me is torturing me", you are allowing this. You're handing yourself over to her on a silver platter and hey, why not? Why not take from the platter? It's free and she doesn't have to do anything to get the emotional goodies.

 

From her perspective, you wouldn't ask her to spend time with her if you couldn't handle it. She is just accepting invitations and feeling OK with it. She gets the best of both worlds and you, my friend, are just getting the crumbs.

 

I'm sorry, I cannot imagine being in your position but you gotta shift your position here if you want to get anywhere. You don't let HER decide if she wants to see you or not. YOU decide that you don't want to see her.

 

I recommend the book "Make up Don't Break Up" by Bonnie Eaker Weil to explain how you can give her a "brush with death" and make her realize she risks losing you forever. She has to go into "emptiness" without you in her life and as long as you are indulging her in this getting her cake and eat it too behavior, you are going to be flailing in a permanent "one-down" position (another MUST read: The Passion Trap: Where is Your RElationship Going?" on Amazon, by Dean C. Delis)

 

Hang in there, and best of luck.

[matador1972]

Thanks for that, I have actually decided not to contact her anymore about anything and be aloof, i have thought about cancelling the night out on wednesday but if i did that, it would just make me look weak, better to go through with it and show her that i am finally getting on by just being myself without any emotional hang ups when im out.

 

She will soon get the message that im not there for her anymore as she was used to me texting her or speaking to her most days until saturday.

[matador1972]

Second full day with no contact, we are supposed to be going out tomorrow night but im not going to contact her, if she wants to come she will have to contact me at some point.

 

Im starting to let go of her, although i am still thinking about her all the time, but im not getting teary or anxious about it, i had let my eye off the ball the last few weeks and cut down my exercise and started smoking more, so ive nearly stopped smoking and got back into full training again which is making me feel better.

 

In the last 10 days or so i have heard from her at various times that she misses me sometimes, that she loves me, and that she does and will always consider me her best friend, so the best thing i can do now is let her actually sit back and see that i am moving on, and hopefully it will allow her to address her feelings for me and what she wants out of life.

 

I have already decided that if she does not want a resolution before christmas, then i will not take her back in any way shape or form (easier to say than to do perhaps, but too much time will have passed by then).

[matador1972]

Well, had first contact from her since sunday with a text asking whether she needs to update her norton virus protection on her netbook.

 

I have to reply, but ill give it a little bit of time before i do.

 

Im feeling pretty good tonight, ive started to actually realise maybe she wasnt the right woman for me, in 17 years she never once initiated sex, she never cuddled into me in bed and rarely showed me any affection, since realising this im thinking "actually do i want that again?"

[Hugwolf]

I can understand some of what you are going though. My ex of 9 nears broke up with me 5 weeks ago. She tried very hard to maintain a friendship with me. We would hang out all the time. I got text messages from her daily asking what I was up to or silly things like your norton virus protection text.

 

In the last week before I went NC with her, we had a really awesome time. We spent all our free time together. She told me how much she would miss me if I left (she knew I was having a hard time and was considering NC). But in this last week I also learned she was seeing another guy. I finally caved in and told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. I felt like I was being used. None of my emotional needs were met, and she get everything she needed from me.

 

For the first time in a long time I now feel like the power has been placed back in my hands. I'm not available to satisfy her needs anymore if mine are not going to be satisfied either. Since I went NC I am also feeling better about myself. I feel like I was just a doormat while being her friend.

 

BTW, my ex held my hand a few times, we slept together (no sex), she undresses in front of me, tells me she's there for me and how much she doesn't want to lose me from her life, etc... It's all BS. She's still seeing another guy and knows that it tears me up.

 

I think people need to decide for themselves when it is time for NC, especially in really long relationships. If the contact is making you feel bad enough and messing up your personal life (it was for me), then give NC a try for a bit. Let her know you need space.

[matador1972]

Thanks for that, and sorry to hear about your situation.

 

We are out together tomorrow night, but if she dosent contact me about it before then, ill take someone else, i feel i finally have my own power now, that was the longest we had been without contact since the breakup, she knew that i was at her beck and call and i would email her something stupid like a joke or a text, so im assuming that when she texted me that, she was actually expecting me to say something about our night tomorrow. When i replied with a curt answer "you dont have to, but its probably best to avoid viruses", she replied with ok thanks.

 

Anyway, i do feel more in control of myself, i feel for the first time, these last few days i have moved on more than at any time, im starting to question whether she actually was right for me, and whether i do want her back in my life.

 

I wish i hadnt organised the night out now last week when i was at a low point, so i could keep the LC going (we have kids so NC is not possible), but if i cancel it or whatever it will just make me look weak, i reckon im strong enough to go out with her and just treat her like i would a normal girl friend.

[Hugwolf]

I wish i hadnt organised the night out now last week when i was at a low point, so i could keep the LC going (we have kids so NC is not possible), but if i cancel it or whatever it will just make me look weak, i reckon im strong enough to go out with her and just treat her like i would a normal girl friend.

 

I can sympathize. I had planned a fun night out for Halloween with her and basically told her I couldn't handle being her friend anymore at about the same time we needed to be leaving for a concert in costume. We cried for an hour talking about everything before I left. I really wanted to put up an emotional wall and just go out and have fun one last time, but I couldn't handle it.

[matador1972]

Thats a real shame, i was a mess last weekend after spending most of the weekend with her, but i feel so strong now, this morning i feel i dont need her in my life to make me happy anymore and thats a powerful realisation, im literally done feeling sorry for myself.

 

I had 3 women tell me yesterday that i was looking great (ive lost about 30 lbs now), and i feel it too!

[matador1972]

Got a date tomorrow night, and a date with another girl on Friday night, things are looking up!

[matador1972]

So i had my night out with my ex, we went to a comedy concert, i felt totally relaxed in her company, when she put out looking for a few compliments i didnt give them, we had a good time, got a text from the girl i am going out with tomorrow during the show as well which was a nice bit of timing.

 

I thought id feel down after i dropped her off, but i feel okay, im really starting to dissasociate with her now, just said id see her next week, so i have a week of NC from my part ahead of me, ill see if she breaks that.