She's open to idea of coming back, but...

[Hugwolf]

It seems like my ex and I are headed in the right direction to getting back together, if it is even possible. But she also says she isn't attracted to me anymore despite how much she wants me in her life still.

 

We were together for 9 years and friends for a few more before that. She left me a few months ago mostly due to neglect on my part. She wasn’t happy and didn’t feel like I cared for her enough. I don’t blame her. I’ve had a few months to reflect on it and feel like we both had become pretty lazy in the relationship and didn’t have very good communication. The pain of the breakup has provided a lot of energy to learn more about where we went wrong and to learn more about my own issues in relationships.

 

We never went NC after the breakup. She really wanted to stay friends and I let her even though it was hard. She initiated contact daily which sometimes led to us getting together to hang out. Yes, this sucked for me, but I have no friends to hang out with right now so it was nice sometimes. Anyway, last week I decided to invite her to a concert to test her response. She was actually excited at the idea. We went and had a lot of fun, but it was clear I was in the friend zone. I told her the next day all that all this contact was just tearing me down because I still loved her and that I wanted to go NC. Seriously, I had never felt so much anxiety over something in my life.

 

She broke down at the thought of not having me around anymore. It sparked a ton of talk between us about the relationship and our feelings about each other. She actually had no idea I still cared for her so much, which is not surprising considering why she left me. She’s really torn on what to do. She says she feels like she has already moved on from the relationship but also feels terrible over the thought of losing me from her life. She is open to the idea of us being together again, but she is not attracted to me anymore and does not know if those feelings will come back.

 

She told me that two of her friends have even told her that maybe she should give me another chance. I don’t talk to these friends of hers so I had nothing to do with their advice to her.

 

So, I guess my question is can these missing feelings of hers come back?

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? I figured I would try to keep us doing fun things together and give it time. We are seeing another concert for Halloween and are both looking forward to that.

 

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading if you made it this far

[Hobbes]

But she also says she isn't attracted to me anymore despite how much she wants me in her life still.

 

From experience be very careful with this fact.

 

I got back together with my current after she left me stating that fact which totally shocked me as she always said she was very attracted to me. A year later she left me again stating same reason (which wasn't perhaps the real or sole reason she left me admittedly as there was someone else involved) but I would say to you this is NOT a small hurdle that can just be brushed aside, if you are both NC and have moved on and you see each other and there is one sided attraction, this could be disastrous. I mean how can that possibly work - she wants to be together but she is not attracted to you and fully admits it? That's not something that can be worked on surely? You need attraction for a healthy relationship.

 

I let her come back to me the first time after she said she wasn't attracted to me before she left as I was in the state of mind where I would do anything to get her back. Ignoring the facts meant I went through a lot of pain a year later.

[Mustachio]

I think what you need to focus on here, aside from your relationship is yourself.

 

There are obviously issues on your end (hers too) that would need to be fixed in order for your relationship to work. You need to identify and actively work on fixing those for yourself, whether you are going to get back together or not.

 

She may not be attracted to you simply because of the things that have transpired during the relationship and the changes you have made to yourself over the course of the relationship. She originally was attracted to the you that you were at the beginning of the relationship, and over the course of your relationship, things obviously went downhill (or you would still be together) and you both have changed, and obviously since things were going downhill, the changes that were made on both ends were probably not changes for the better. I think if you want to attract her back, you might want to try to be more of the guy you were at the beginning of the relationship.

 

And dont forget that through this whole time, be aware of the issues that ended the relationship on both your end and her end, and be prepared to open communication if or when the time is right. Show her you have changed, show her you are the guy she originally fell for and not the guy she didnt want to be with anymore. I dont believe the attraction is gone for good, but I think its going to require work, and unfortunately right now, it seems you are the one that needs to step up the plate first.

[Hugwolf]

I think the reason that she is even considering being with me again is because of how I have changed since the breakup. Talking about our problems in the relationship I think she knows I'm well aware of many of the things that made her unhappy. I would like to say I can work on these things because I don't want them to repeat in any relationship. I don't know how to prove to myself I can accomplish those changes though. All I know is that I want to. She knows that.

 

During our relationship we both gained a lot of weight, I stopped riding motorcycles which I know was part of her original attraction to me. We also both became much less physically active outdoors. I honestly miss all of these things. Somehow the relationship slowly took these things away. Since May I have lost over 30lb which is halfway to my goal of being back to where I was in the beginning. I'm looking forward to getting a bike again in the Spring and I have already been spending the majority of my time being active outdoors again. I think she sees all of this and wonders.

[Hobbes]

Despite what I said earlier, if I was in your shoes, I would pursue this.