What to do when your ex starts dating.

[matador1972]

As stated in my other thread, my ex of 17 years is going on her first internet date tonight, she is still smoking hot at 39, and as I still want a resolution, im desperately worried she will hit it off with whoever it is and it will be the end.

 

Can anyone give me an insight or advice here? Im a nervous wreck today.

[Puckdog27]

No advice to give. Nothing you can do. Trying to block it will make things worse. I would just try to keep in mind that there is probably a greater chance that they may not hit it off, as there is that they may. But like I said, there is nothing at all you can do here but get out of the way.

 

I will say this, as a 39 yo in the dating market, pickins are slim, and she may realize how good she had it with you. If in fact she did have it good.

[MoTay]

Hang in there. No matter what happens, you can handle it.

[Hugwolf]

I'm sorry. I found out last Sunday that my ex was seeing somebody too. I wish I had not found out. But in some ways it has made me a bit angry and pushed ME away from her more, and I was the one who got dumped from our 9 year relationship. But I'm trying to avoid anything that would give me more information about her relationship. I just do not want to know, though I'm sure more information will be forced on me.

 

It's an awful feeling. I don't think there's much you can do to avoid it except to shelter yourself from hearing about your ex's dating altogether. That's the only control you have.

[gsxr104]

It's out of your hands. Don't put yourself through torture.

[Mustachio]

Yea I have to agree with everyone else here. You kept your story very short so its hard to know the past that led up to this point, but it seems like there is a part of you that wants to be with her, but it is over. I dont know how long it has been since the split, but I see two options for you to choose.

 

1. Put yourself completely out there, open up, fix your problems for her and do everything to get her back.

2. Move on with your life and let it be.

 

Option 1 is probably going to open you up to a whole new world of pain. At first it will feel better because even though it wont be pleasant, you will be grasping to hope and she will still be there in your life, even if it is just arguing and fighting or her telling you to get on with your life. But then it will all crash down as the realization of the truth kicks in, and not only will you be right where you should have been when starting option 2, but you will have the pain of putting yourself out there completely only to get rejected again.

 

Option 2 is going to hurt, and hurt real bad, but in the long run it will hurt less and for a shorter amount of time. Live your life for yourself now, you can do anything you want.

 

edit: I just went back and skimmed your other post. sounds like you have already put everything in, you know the pain already of option 1, and if i was you, i would stop putting myself through it, you have done everything you can for her and your relationship. I would drop it, and worry about yourself and what is best for you and only you.

[leda]

Hm...what to do when your ex starts dating. I guess I can tell you what not to do.

 

1. Don't stare at pictures of them together on facebook until you're in tears and asking yourself what they have that you don't.

2. Don't break NC to ask him/her if that's his/her new girl/guy in the picture..

 

I'm going through the same thing right now. *Hugs*

 

I did the above with my ex. He got annoyed and told me they were just friends (what do I know? Maybe they are). BUT he immediately blocked me from looking at his pictures. So I removed him from my friends. What's the point of being friends with someone if they won't let you look at their pics, or if you want to vomit every time you see pics of them? All happy and drunk, after they told you they don't want romance, that they just want to be alone...

 

The best thing you can do right now is to remove all traces of them from your computer (until you heal anyway). If you use any social networking sites like FB, remove them as a friend. You don't want to torture yourself. Delete or hide picture files. Delete old emails. And for **#)#) sake, start ignoring them! You need to heal.

 

I've been told that I should be focusing on myself and trying to heal. I guess the key there is to try. Sorry I'm not very encouraging here, but I'm a well of negativity right now. I feel like I want to cry a little longer a be self-destructive and depresso. I'll come out of it though. It's the only logical thing that can happen. Eventually I'll grow bored of thinking about him.

 

We're taking the right first steps by trying to think other thoughts and look the other way when you see them.

 

Godspeed, and sorry.

[surfNski]

The only positive I have gotten out of NC is the gift of not knowing anything. I struggle some days, there are still days when I cry in the shower, but nothing would be worse than knowing she is dating again. Its been like 5 months and I am sure she is dating, in fact, I would not be surprised if she is living with some guy or engaged. But I dont have to know and that gives me a very small amount of peace....

[UCLAMike]

It's out of your hands. Don't put yourself through torture.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Nappyloxs]

I went through the same thing today!!!

 

My ex. was going to a match-making event. Brag all about it on facebook (I remember breakups without facebook, I swear although they hard, facebook alone makes breakups hell, especially when you have their password!)

 

I can't give you any advice, because I am nervous as it. I thought well maybe she'll have a horrible time and miss me, maybe she'll meet someone date them and then realize that she misses me. I also thought what the hell she is putting herself out there to date other (she was so excited about the darn thing!!) that I need to put myself out there too. So I tried to find some events to do this weekend and for halloween weekend. I don't know, I don't feel ready to start dating other people (I meet a few woman when we first broke up, but I didn't even call them), but at the same time I will never be ready if I don't make the effort to start dating.

 

I know I love my ex. I know I am going to love her and miss for long awhile. But if she is going to go out there and meet new people, then I feel like I should be able to.

[Nappyloxs]

I went through the same thing today!

 

My ex. went to a match-making event. She was all over facebook trying to get her friends to go. She was so excited about it.

 

So throughout the day I though

- maybe she this will make her realize that she misses me

- maybe she will find someone date him for awhile, then realize that she misses me

- screw it, I am going to find start putting myself out there too. So I looked up events for this weekend and next weekend.

- Am I even ready to date?

 

I know she is not going to comeback. But I took her match-making event as motivation for me to get out here and start dating. I don't think I am ready to start dating, but when will I be, if not today? Moving forward takes effort. My last breakup it took me 6 months before I went on a date and I was only 21! It was because I did not put in any effort to move forward during those months.

[matador1972]

Saw her this morning for my daughters birthday, i just asked her a polite "how was your night" and left it at that.

 

Ended up going over to a girls house ive been seeing for a kiss and a cuddle which made me feel better, although i realise how hypocritical this is, i still want her back! (and yeah, the other girl knows the score completely).

[KiNo]

Do nothing, seriously, just let it be.

 

Still, dealing with yourself is your very first priority.

[LillyLooWho]

My ex found someone after about two months after we broke up. He started dating a few weeks after our breakup and then met her. He is still with her, a few months later. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing you can do either. I thought he would try dating and realize I was better than the others but that didn't happen. Now I sit here on my couch and obsess about him. We will not get back together again, of this I am sure but I still think about him all the time.... Ok, this isn't helpful to you, except to say that there isn't a dang thing you can do about them moving on if that's what they want to do. That is the awful truth. Sorry you feel so bad. Time will eventually heal us all.

[jettison]

Man, I've tried every approach post-breakup now because I've been through 4 major ones now in 4 years if that's even possible.

 

First breakup - the 11 year.

When we broke up, I knew we were through. Anyone that could throw the towel in on what we had shared together for so many years was not worth me fretting over. I did zero to try to win her back. I moved on and started dating my next girlfriend about 3 months later. With the 11 year, I finally found out that she was dating someone kind of seriously, and that he took her to Europe, but it really didn't sting me much. In fact, in my head I thought "she was wonderful sometimes, but mostly impossible other times. This bloke will see it too." Sure enough, he did. She got dumped. Still, I love her very much as a friend, and I want her to be happy and find another partner.

 

With the 6 month, she was out there dating immediately. I found out she slept with some yachtsman a few months after our breakup. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I was still physically addicted to her. I couldn't stand it. Then there was the day that I saw her profile on Match. I don't know that I've ever felt that kind of anxiety before. Ouch. It kept me away from her though. Even a year later, she finally apologized to me for everything, told me how much she missed me, that I was always her favorite, etc. I turned her down. It wasn't until 3 years later that I thought we had another opportunity, and then I see her kissing her new guy literally right in front of me - feet away.

 

Ok, that was worst. Now that was officially the worst anxiety. Couldn't stand it. She is still with him, and they kind of run in my circles that I've tried to avoid.

 

Next girlfriend after (between her). I broke it off with her. Still in love with the previous. NC and never contacted her again. Don't know and don't care even though we went on for 5 months. She never could open up to me until I was breaking up with her and that was far, far too late.

 

Latest. It's only been a month. I know very well that she's actively looking for a mate. I also know that she'll find one. Then I also know that she'll drive him completely insane, and that there's almost no chance it could last. It will HURT for sure when I find out, but there is nothing for me to do now. And maybe I won't find out at all since we're strict NC now. I don't want to have to cope with that feeling on top of losing her even though I know I'll be happier in the long run for having lost her. It's a confusing feeling for sure.

 

So yeah, been through it a lot. It always stings but on different levels. I do see people out there who "just date" and never seem to fall for anyone or really invest themselves emotionally and I'm jealous of them to be sure. I don't know how they do it, moving from one to the next to the next. I only know that it happens and that it fascinates me.

[Nappyloxs]

"So yeah, been through it a lot. It always stings but on different levels. I do see people out there who "just date" and never seem to fall for anyone or really invest themselves emotionally and I'm jealous of them to be sure. I don't know how they do it, moving from one to the next to the next. I only know that it happens and that it fascinates me."

 

This use to be me for years. I don't want to burst your bubble, but they are all looking for love too. They just can cut loose once they know that Mr./Ms. Right Now is not Mr./Ms. Right. When I use to date like that for 5 years, I was always seeking love, but also just having a good time with the person I was with at that moment. But it felt like I just kept dating the same women with different names.

 

Right after I was done with the random dating. I somehow meet my ex. I wasn't even looking for once. Now I am confused. I love my ex. and want her back more than anything. But she is not having it. But at the same time I don't want to go back to that person I was before her. It is not as satisfying as knowing you love someone and they love you back.

 

Its funny that I read your post today. Because I posted on a girl's FB photo today. She posted some b-day pics and I just wished her happy b-day. I bring this up, because I dated the girl for a year. I don't even know if you could call it dating. We were more like accessories to each other. We were really good friends and at one point I thought I wanted to be serious with her. But I knew that was a lie. She was just my accessory chick. (Sorry ladies, but I was also the guy that she showed off to the family even though she dated other guys since I was the educated good looking one).

[jettison]

How are you "bursting my bubble"? Of course they are looking for love and not finding it... and they may never find it. But on some levels, they won't find it because to find it means you have to take a true risk with someone. It also means that you have to stop searching, and for a lot of people, it's much more about the search.

[702juice]

I'm sorry to hear this. My ex was with a new guy not even a week after she left me. She was then with another guy a month after!

 

It's hard and there isn't too much to do when that happens. Luckily for me, she chose to date a drug dealer/junkie so it made it a little easier to laugh off and move on.

 

Keep busy physically and mentally and NC is the best advice I can give. Those three things helped me a ton during the initial months after our breakup.