need help and some perspective...

[libra89]

it has been 6 weeks since we broke up. periods of LC and NC. currently on day 5 of second period of NC. i have been feeling heaps better since the few days after we broke up but i seem to still struggle with a few thoughts.

 

1) he said there was no more feelings. yet exactly one month before our break up, he wrote a card to me telling me that "if all goes well, we would have our own home..." why does feelings change so fast? and he doesn't really know why his feelings changed too? i believe that there must be a reason why it happened. but is there?

 

2) we are both 20 years old and my bf is someone who thinks a lot. he basically said this "I am fully able to support you, buy a house, and have two or three kids [whatever amount]. But when I get to 40 years old and I look back I ask myself, 'what have I accomplished'. It is similar to the last 4 years." and "to be honest with myself, this is why". he has been on and off unsure of our relationship. he told me to move on and did not even leave any possibility of us getting back together. any thoughts on this?

 

3) i have been reflecting about my relationship, taking a step backwards to see what was wrong on my part. i know i can't change anything. i realise i was needy and emotional dependent at times. and my ambition had changed to being a good wife and mother over the time we were together. also i tend to initiate conversations and all. in the past, i thought it was fine to just initiate stuff since i knew that he is a very passive communicator. same with all his friends and family. should the girl be more patient or should she just do the initiating? does being proactive affects how a guy feels in a relationship?

 

i know that each and every individual are different. however i hope someone who has been through something similar can shed some light on these thoughts for me. many many thanks.

[Mustachio]

Well for number 2, the second number 2... It seems to be very normal to go back and analyze everything that has happened.

 

Just make sure you dont take all the blame for messing up the relationship. Yes, it is actually good that you are taking a step back to realize your faults because if you do not own up to them in the future you are simply doomed to repeat them. But please dont take all the blame on yourself because it takes two to make a relationship and two to break up a relationship.

 

About your first number 2, you are both very young, and it is hard to imagine that you two would be the only ones you would ever be with. He said he looks back on it and would wonder what he ever accomplished. You should do the same, take some time to reflect on your relationship and really weigh out the good vs the bad. How did he enrich your life and how would have continued to enrich your life. Chances are things werent as rosy as your mind is currently making them out to be.

 

Number 1. I cant give you an answer for really, but it is possible that he was already emotionally checked out of the relationship for a while and said some of those things because he was scared to give it up until he knew for sure. There may also be other worse reasons for that, but they dont need to be mentioned because the fact of the matter is that its over and even though you are going to analyze all that anyways, you need to try and accept the situation and just accept the fact that you may never know what he was thinking before, during and after.

 

Also sorry for answering those in reverse order.