Not realizing that it's over..

[TroubledTwenties]

Hello all,

 

I'm writing this post on my 4th day of "no contact" from my ex boyfriend. I think I'm still in disbelief of it all, even though I "know" it's over. My ex told me that this was the last time and that he's not trying anymore. I feel like I'm having a war between my head and my heart right now. My head is telling me that I know it's not over, that it's just one of those "couple month periods" that my ex has taken a couple times before, and that he will come back and try to get at me again, so I need to heal and be tough so he can't hurt me anymore. On the other side of the coin, my heart is telling me that he's really gone....that I can take whatever time to get over things because he's really not coming back this time, and this is devastating to me. He's been the only one ever in my life and not having him in my life literally makes me sick. I've always told him that when we break up I wouldn't want to be friends with him because it would hurt me too much, and for some reason I've never really stuck to that. But this time it's been 4 days of TOTAL no contact, and Í'm worse now than ever I believe. I think the thing that really bothers me is that I like to analyze everything, and I don't know what's going to happen now. I don't know whether he's going to come back or not, and that bothers me. Somewhere deep down I secretly hope that he comes back because I truly believe we are soulmates. But someone the other day told me something that had me thinking. I've done everything for my ex. I washed for him, cleaned, cooked, took care of his animals, was always there to talk if he needed me, basically I was his "scape goat" he knew that he could always depend on me. However we did have our arguments and he towards the end felt that I was smothering, yet he always breaks up with me, then a few months later after he's been with a couple other girls he realizes that he loves me. My thing is that if he said it was the "last" time this time, does it really make it the last time or not? grr If it is the last time, then ok, but what if it isn't?

[John82]

I can kind of relate to what you're going through with that, as I was just through something similar...a while ago I became involved in a long-distance relationship with someone online, and I never felt the kind of connection with anyone that I did with her, she seemed perfect in every way and whether it was just during our times apart, or during the times we spent together, I felt like every moment I had her with me in any way I was on top of the world.

 

Unfortunately, after a while, she said the long-distance part of it was getting to be too much, and she had secretly been seeing someone that I didn't know about, and broke off the relationship...after a week or so, she came back and said it had been a mistake and wanted to try again...and then last January, she broke off the relationship yet again for different reasons (not cheating).

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you as I certainly haven't had the best of luck either, but at the very least, I do understand how it feels to be so lost and alone and like that one special person you'll never find again is gone forever. Regarding what you said about how do you know if this time is "the last time"...I don't think it's possible to know, I think it depends on the person. I never thought my girlfriend/fiancee would have done what she did, with leaving me a second time, and yet she did...if your ex does offer another chance at the relationship I suppose that's up to you and what's in your heart. But you don't want to be used as someone else's "safety" they can always come running back to...you want to be with someone who gives what they can in their own way just as you give them what you can.

 

*hugs you*

 

Hang in there though, okay? You aren't the only person who's been through this. Especially if you're the sort of person who hasn't had many relationships, or finds it hard to get close to someone, losing someone can be so devastating--I'm painfully shy in real life to the point I have no friends, and it was awful for me to lose my ex-girlfriend because she was my world and more to me. But you aren't alone with this, and many *many* people out there are going through the same thing as you.

 

(And this is my first posting here, so I'm sorry if I did anything wrong...I just read your posting and it struck a chord in me and I thought I would reply. That said, I'm a lousy amateur psychologist!! )

[TroubledTwenties]

You didn't do anything wrong, in my first post was about the same as yours but I do appreciate your reply. Things get so complicated in relationships, and I'm not sure what the outcome will be. Hopefully someone else has some more words of wisdom for me since although I'm an analytical person, I'm stumped with this one...

[Dragonlady]

Hi I've just read your post and find that we are in a very similar situation. Knowing how I feel (and it's been 7 weeks) all I can do is sympathise with you. It is so very hard but I have been trying to consentrate on what I want for a change and doing things I've put off for months because like you I did everything. In a way it keeps me busy and my mind active (like going to the gym) rather than thinking on the pain that I am in.

 

I met my ex 3 years ago and for 6 months we spent every weekend together (we lived about 140 miles apart), he's 10 years old than myself and has a daughter. Everything was lovely, I moved down to live with him, changed my job, sold my flat etc, which was very un-like me, I am usually very hesitant. We had got engaged after 3 months and he started pressing for a date so wedding plans was well under way (he had been married previously but was divorced very quickly). The wedding was planned for August 2003.

 

I was really happy, he sent me lovely cards saying I was his soulmate, the love of his live and that he couldn't wait for me to be his wife. He would call me at work or leave messages on my mobile singing love songs etc. I was so happy even though I had changed my entire life for him, I didn't think that we would ever split up. I got on well with he's family friends and most importantly he's daughter. It continued like this for 18 months.

 

I thought life couldn't get much better instead it got worse, much worse. I had previously been in a very physically abuse relationship that had left it's scars and had very little self esteem when it came to the bedroom but I thought my ex had understood this and was been very patient with me.

 

5 months before the wedding we went to give notice legally and then 2 days after, out of the blue, he told me he didn't want to marry me, that it wasn't right and started shutting me out emotionally (a trick he had learnt from he's past), Needless to say I was gutted, we were still together, he said he loved and cared for me but that he needed to feel it was right. I stood by him, tried to make him happy and did what ever he wanted.

 

He started avoiding coming up to see my friends, the weekends we had his daughter he would ignore me and then say I was jealous of her, wouldn't want to go out with his friends with me or when we did he would be cold towards me and blame me for being up-tight (when I am stressed I flinch if someone shouts or moves quickly – as I said I have scars). He started preferring videos to making love to me but would lie about it. He became very moody and life became very stressful.

 

The day before the wedding when I was going home (I didn't think we should be together the day of the wedding), he hugged me, said he loved me and that he had wondered time and time again if he had done the right thing! It was a very painful day for me but he said he understood why I needed to be alone. When I got back he said he didn't know how to treat me as a partner any more and suggested that we had counselling. I said I would go too for our future together.

 

He didn't book it so after a while I did; we had the consultation and decided that we would continue with this. I found out I was pregnant but didn't tell him but know that he saw the test stick as it had moved. We had a joint session and the following week I had one by myself to discuss my abuse, he said he didn't want to know the details but we would talk about it the following week with the counsellor (i.e. how it makes me behave etc).

 

I went back to my parents for a friends birthday, had a nice message on my mobile whilst I was out and drove back on the Sunday (14.03.04) within 10 minuets on walking in the house my ex told me we were over, he didn't want to try and things got ugly. He was so cold towards me and then kicked me out. The only times I have contact him has been to sort out removing my clothes and he has asked that I do not text him but then tells me he still cares about me "as a friend".

 

I still love him to bits and I understand why he's behaviour has changed because I have continued with the counselling, my ex has an attachment disorder issue. I want him back so much but things would have to change, I thought he was my soulmate.

 

My parents have been very supportive but now hate him because of how he's been with me. I just feel so confused. Sorry this has been a bit long and thanks for reading. Sometimes it helps to know I'm not alone.

[litoosh743]

Hello TroubledTwenties,

I read your post and I think you should read it again. Look at the title - Not realizing its over. What I think you really want to know is if he is gonna change his mind after saying its the final time he's leaving. I think instead you need to know if you want him to come back again. You've been through this before with him, you've tried getting back togeteher and its over again. This time, before you get yourself into something that will bring you back here again seaking for answers and feeling a lot of pain inside and being worried, try to think why it ended, what exactly is it you need from him? are you sure you're in love with him? or just not used to being without him? maybe that will make you think differently and you'll start to appreciate the time you have on your own so you can figure out who you are and why you are in pain and most of all, how strong you can be by getting through each day without him and seeying that you're still alive and breathing. Take sometime, maybe you will enjoy it, try to focus on yourself, worrying will not bring him back so why waste time on it. I know its harsh, and I'm sorry, but I truly know how you feel and I know that its not easy, but try to not stress yourself and just get through the day for now, give it time to see what you want. Good luck and take care, you are a good person.

[TroubledTwenties]

Thanks Litoosh743 and Dragonlady for your comments. I'm so frustrated. I understand what I'm supposed to you, ya know the no contact, and worry about myself for a while. I also know that worrying about it will not change anything. Believe me, I've spend countless hours wondering if I sincerely do love my ex or if I'm just comfortable being in a relationship with him because we were together for so long. I honestly believe that not only do I love him, but I am also in love with him. I know that it takes time to get over someone, and I think that I have to just get it through my head that he's not coming back. Litoosh743, I understand your idea about, not thinking about what he wants or what he's going to do but about what I want. I know that things might not have been perfect, and I'll admit that there were times that I just wanted to give up on us also, but somewhere, inside me I kept on trying, and I didn't give up...but he did...I don't know how to go back to feeling whole when he's been the other half of me for so long.

[debisfun]

Dear All,

 

I'm in a similar boat. After 2 years and talking about getting married, my boyfriend has called it quits.

 

The all-encompasing, body-sucking pain is almost unbearable.

 

However, I have read two books that have really hit home, and I think that you would get something out of them too. I'll be honest, they aren't easy to read, but the truth is not always easy.

 

The first one "Women Who Love Too Much", is a real eye-openener. I'm only halfway through, but so far, it has really resonated. Things about losing yourself in a man, trying hard to make him happy, and when that doesn't work, trying even harder, wondering what you could have done to prevent the breakup, trying to "fix" or heal your partner, understanding why your partner pulls away right when things seem to be going so well -- all of these are signs of women who love too much.

 

The second one "Men Who Can't Love" is about identifying men who are committment-phobic BEFORE you get into a relationship with them. I wasn't too thrilled with this one, probably because I already AM in a relationship with one --- it's like "Gee, thanks for telling me, but NOW what do I do"? Still, it's enlightening.

 

I'm on the fourth day of NO CONTACT and it's hard. Today I really really really wanted to text him and ask him to lunch tomorrow, just to "keep the lines of communication open". But who am I kidding.....I know that I somehow want to convice him that we CAN make it work, that things AREN'T bad, that now that I understand "our" problems, we can work on them ---- all the things that a Woman Who Loves Too Much does. I'm still in the fantasy stage --- I know it, but I just can't move on (yet).

 

Good Luck. I know from history that I WILL get through this. My goal is to heal myself so I don't EVER have to go through it again.