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Am I right in feeling weird about this?


mira21

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So last night my bf of almost 2 years said the following:

 

"Hey, Mira, I have a problem and I need your advice."

 

"Ok," I said.

 

"It's about my ex-girlfriend Lisa, so don't feel weird," he said.

 

"Um...ok."

 

"So her birthday was Sept. 23 and I forgot to wish her happy birthday on Facebook. Should I write on her wall now and make it obvious that I forgot...or should I just let it go and risk her getting hurt?"

 

"Umm... I don't think she'll get hurt if you don't write on her wall. She knows you don't ever check facebook. I don't think she expects anything."

 

"Yea, but I don't want her to think I'm being rude. Plus I'm probably gonna see her on Thanksgiving and I don't want her to feel weird" he said.

 

"Well, I don't think she would. I mean, you're both friendly with one another. It's just Facebook. (*slowly getting ticked off that he cares so much what his ex thinks*)" I said.

 

"Ok," he said.

 

"Um," I said. "Maybe you shouldn't tell me about things like this anymore. I don't want to know that you're worrying about hurting your ex or thinking about her in anyway..."

 

"Are you serious?!?" he said, "It's not a big deal! I'm not worrying. I was just asking your advice on a simple issue like I would ask a friend."

 

"Yea, but I'm your girlfriend before I'm your friend and I like to think that when it comes to women, I'm the center of your world."

 

"Fine, I won't talk about them then!" he said, with a slight tone of annoyance.

 

So, who's right?

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Yea I know. I'm not jealous, or anything. I just don't want to know that he thinks about his ex and worries about hurting her. I also don't think he should ask me about how she might feel. As his gf, I shouldn't even have to spare a second of thought on his ex. But that's just the way I feel. I dunno, maybe I'm overreacting.

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Well, he came to you with a problem and you snubbed him. If he had any romantic feeling for her he would not have asked you. Now you look jealous.

 

Next time he has a problem he may not ask your advice just in case you take it the wrong way.

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No, I don't blame you for being upset, I think I may have been too. I just think this might be a case of a silly boy not thinking this through.

 

Also, sometimes empathy helps a little bit. For example, if you and him broke up (God forbid, knock on wood!), I'm sure you'd hope that if you were in LC he'd be kind and respectful to you as well. While I don't agree with exes hanging around, I give him props for not being a jerk towards her.

 

Maybe just approach him and explain what you did to me: you're not jealous, you just struggle with giving him advice about an ex and ask him to put himself in your shoes.

 

I think the worst thing you could both do is drag this out and turn it into an argument. It's a great opportunity to open some mutual lines of communication.

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No, I didn't snub him. I gave him my advice. But then I requested that he don't come to me about ex-gf problems again. It makes me feel odd. He can ask his other friends about those problems, can't he?

 

I think what DN meant is that you may have come accross as jealous and insecure and that can be a turn-off for a man, which is why he had the reaction he did.

 

Talk to him calmly and just explain that you're always there for him to come to for advice but that you're a little uncomfortable discussing past relationships with him.

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Yea, you're right. I don't think he was trying to hurt me. I guess I'm wondering if it's okay that I requested that he NOT tell me about problems with his exes again...? Like, is it okay if I ask him not to talk about them with me? Cause I don't want to hear it. I don't care.

 

I DID tell him that its hard for me to give him advice about his ex. And he said he was sorry and that he won't talk about them (albeit with an annoyed tone) and that was the end of it.

 

I know he's just trying to be open with me, but I really don't want to hear about his exes....especially about him worrying about his exes.

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So if an ex contacts him and wants to chat or meet up you will be ok with him not telling you about it?

 

Ok, that is completely different than telling me he's worried about hurting her. Of course he needs to tell me if he's meeting up with her. It's a simple comment and it takes two seconds. But telling me he's worried about hurting her and asking me to give him advice...totally different.

 

Listen, I'm not a jealous person. He made me this way. He's given me reasons time after time to feel weird about his past, his exes and other women. Don't get me wrong, he didn't cheat. But he's openly told me he thinks about other women sexually and fantasizes about other women. To me, these are things you DON'T tell your gf. It's a respect thing. And as a result I've become more insecure to the point where I don't want to hear it anymore.

 

The reason I had that reaction last night is because I'm so sick of him talking about it. It's not like he does it all the time, but when he does talk about it, it's clear that he hasn't thought about it beforehand. He forgets that I'm his girlfriend and sometimes the things he says about his past can hurt me. Like once he told me that when he broke up with his ex he still kept badgering her for sex. And I'm thinking "What? I don't want to hear that!" Or, a few weeks ago, this same ex called him and left him a message and he told me about it. And I was like "okay cool." But he didn't stop there, he proceeded to play the voice message for me and started going off about how cool her accent is. I know he doesn't mean any harm but I can't help feeling a little weird about it.

 

Honestly, you guys are all right. What he said last night was no biggie. But I just don't want to hear it. I've been with him for long enough to know that he doesn't have feelings for his ex, but I've also been with him long enough to know that he doesn't only have eyes for me. He thinks about other women sexually. The least he can do is pretend I'm the center of his world...

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I don't know. Maybe I should call him and tell him I overreacted. Even though I don't really think I did. I just spoke my mind. And my mind tells me I don't want to know that he's stressing about his ex. I just don't. Ugh...should I call him?

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My current bf is actually on good terms with all but one ex-gf. I've meet most of them too. Not that by choice I would've, but it makes me feel a bit better that while there is no constant contact, but he's just that kind of guy and he's nice. He treats me well and that's what matters. Honestly, FB will be the death of us eventually. He seemed to just want to be that good guy that remembered, I don't think it was anything more than that.

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I don't know. Maybe I should call him and tell him I overreacted. Even though I don't really think I did. I just spoke my mind. And my mind tells me I don't want to know that he's stressing about his ex. I just don't. Ugh...should I call him?

 

Can you talk to him face to face? I think it would be beneficial for you to see each other's body language and reactions. And again, just talk to him calmly. use phrases like, "I feel" as opposed to, "YOU did this".

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I don't think you can "cherry-pick" ahead of time what you want your boyfriend to tell you about contacts with his ex's and what you would rather he kept to himself. Chances are he is just going to shut down and tell you nothing to be on the safe side. That will soon morph into telling you nothing that he thinks may upset you about himself and what he is or isn't doing about anything at all.

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