After work get-togethers: Welcome, or not?

[Celadon]

Do you think there are any general rules to follow when it comes to inviting yourself to an after-work function with co-workers? My office has a group (not sure whether to call them a clique or not) of people who go out for drinks from time to time. Sometimes one of the people who is on the fringe of the group will let me know they're going out for drinks. But since in those cases I wasn't directly invited by one of the "core" people, I don't know if I should go. (I've never been directly invited, by the way.)

 

I went one time and people were nice enough, but I couldn't quite tell if they really wanted me there or not.

 

I guess I'm just asking idly. I'm don't even think I'm interested in hanging out with them anyway. Just curious what other people think and what you do when you run into this kind of thing.

[annie24]

go. why not? if you are feeling like they aren't too inviting, then leave after 1 drink, saying you already have dinner plans with a friend or something.

[Speranza]

Maybe they see you as stand-offish cos you don't go along? What vibe do they give off, is it inclusive?

 

I'd do what the poster above says, and be very friendly while I'm there and maybe mention hoping to do it again.

 

Except that you don't really want to - so maybe they've simply picked up on that. Why does it bother you?

[jess2009]

it they invite you next time just go for the drinks....and if you feel awkward..you can always excuse yourself and leave early.....

it might be just you ..analyzing things ...

 

 

the feeling that you are not welcomed in the group..are you getting this from male coworkers or females??

[Sn0man]

I think the only time a group of co-workers will not be too pleased to have a member of the office join in for drinks, is when you're their boss.

 

For some reason, people don't much like associating with their bosses when they're drinking

[Celadon]

Thanks for the replies and advice, everyone. Good questions, too.

 

I think the only time a group of co-workers will not be too pleased to have a member of the office join in for drinks, is when you're their boss.

That's true, Sn0man. I actually am in management, although (a) we're a small family-type company so managers hang out with non-managers all the time, and (b) there are workers from all different departments who go for drinks, plus their friends. So I don't know if my being there as a manager is a problem. It could be. Or there might be *some* issues with people who haven't liked a decision I've made or something like that, but no one's ever said anything to me about it... so I'm guessing.

 

Maybe they see you as stand-offish cos you don't go along? What vibe do they give off, is it inclusive?

 

Except that you don't really want to - so maybe they've simply picked up on that. Why does it bother you?

Yeah, that could be. Only thing is, they've never actually invited me, so I don't know if they could really call me the stand-offish one. The other thing is, when they are planning these outings, they tend to talk in low voices and such around the office, which tells me maybe they don't want others joining them. But like I said, the one time I went, I was invited by someone on the fringe of the group. I considered who else was talking about going, or who else knew about it, and it seemed like a general enough group for me to fit in. I thought it would be OK.

 

I guess part of what bothers me because I try to be inclusive when it comes to work-social activities. If more than one or two of us go out to lunch, I invite my department. I just think it's less divisive that way.

 

it might be just you ..analyzing things ...

 

the feeling that you are not welcomed in the group..are you getting this from male coworkers or females??

True, it could definitely just be me analyzing things! You're right. About who is not welcoming, I'd say it's not one or the other. It's more like, my asking someone a question and getting a short answer back, and then them not trying to engage me in conversation. That type of stuff. Not shunning but not particularly welcoming either (from most people).

 

Honestly, I posted the OP in part because I don't tend to go to these outings, so I was wondering if what I experienced was normal or whether I stepped on some toes by going.

 

Anyway, thanks!