One-sided relationships.

[90_hour_sleep]

you're breaking my heart.

 

i would love to have realized what i've realized now while i was still in my last relationship. i really do believe that if you learn how to approach him in the right way...he will be compelled to let you in. somewhere inside he's just waiting to explode. what he wants more than anything is to BE loved...he just doesn't know how. you've seen glimpses of his potential...and i'm sure to you it was beautiful. he hasn't glimpsed it himself though. there may be a vague awareness...but on a deeper level he's unconscious.

 

based on what you've said, he's not taking you for a ride in my opinion. he's not some stranger who's stringing you along. he's fighting inside...between what he believes...and what he's trying to know. the belief is winning at this point. the belief in who he's always been. all it takes is one glimpse of that knowing though...one taste of truth...and the door will open.

[90_hour_sleep]

Are you thinking she no longer loves you? That doesn't seem likely at all.

 

she's moved on. she may love me...but i don't think she knows it anymore.

i believe she'll be married to the new guy within the next year. but, i'm no fortune teller...and i think if she truly knew my heart right now...she would find me irresistible. haha.

[waveseer]

she's moved on. she may love me...but i don't think she knows it anymore.

i believe she'll be married to the new guy within the next year. but, i'm no fortune teller...and i think if she truly knew my heart right now...she would find me irresistible. haha.

 

I didn't know if you wanted to answer me, but I couldn't in good conscience let it slide so I pm'd you.

 

You may be way closer to the truth than you think, new guy or no new guy. Be patient and ready to pick up the pieces when her new guy doesn't work out. Let your heart choose the direction and your mind lead you there. It might take a while, but eventually you will have the opportunity to honor her investment in you with your own in her. Go all in, she's way ahead.

[Janx]

I've tried to tell him and I try to show him...and when I do he becomes this other person...he gets so annoyed...sometimes angry...and he won't talk to me for a day or so afterwards....or he won't let me touch him...if he gets in one of his moods...and he acts like it hurts if I do touch him...

 

When we were first trying to be intimate...physically...this was what he was like. But then he got so much better after I showed him that I wasn't going to be angry with him or expect him to be magnificent...(though admittedly he still acts overly cautious in bed). He's becoming like that again.

 

I guess he only ever seems to be truly comfortable when he's apologizing for something....and it always makes me feel so bad when he takes the blame for things that can't be his fault....

[90_hour_sleep]

I didn't know if you wanted to answer me, but I couldn't in good conscience let it slide so I pm'd you.

 

You may be way closer to the truth than you think, new guy or no new guy. Be patient and ready to pick up the pieces when her new guy doesn't work out. Let your heart choose the direction and your mind lead you there. It might take a while, but eventually you will have the opportunity to honor her investment in you with your own in her. Go all in, she's way ahead.

 

i'm not sure i follow that last part?

[waveseer]

i'm not sure i follow that last part?

 

She made a huge investment in your relationship without much of a return (if I understood your dynamic correctly). When the time is right, don't worry about investing too much yourself, I don't think there is such a thing in these cases.

[90_hour_sleep]

She made a huge investment in your relationship without much of a return (if I understood your dynamic correctly). When the time is right, don't worry about investing too much yourself, I don't think there is such a thing in these cases.

 

i already went all in.

 

and you're right...she did indeed make a huge investment. you understand the dynamic well enough; but, it's important to consider other factors.

[waveseer]

i already went all in.

 

and you're right...she did indeed make a huge investment. you understand the dynamic well enough; but, it's important to consider other factors.

 

If you already did it, then my obligation to carry the message is fulfilled.

[90_hour_sleep]

I've tried to tell him and I try to show him...and when I do he becomes this other person...he gets so annoyed...sometimes angry...and he won't talk to me for a day or so afterwards....or he won't let me touch him...if he gets in one of his moods...and he acts like it hurts if I do touch him...

 

 

that is all too familiar.

 

detached silence. it's frustrating, isn't it? it's like a casual indifference. "you can't seem to figure out what i need...but that's okay...i don't really need you anyway." part of him is expecting you to understand him...feels that you should just know.

 

honestly, he sounds as though he may be a little bit depressed...which makes complete sense.

[90_hour_sleep]

If you already did it, then my obligation to carry the message is fulfilled.

 

you felt obligated? funny what happens when you open up to people. it seems everyone close to me felt obligated to pass on the same message.

"you have to tell this girl what you've experienced...how you feel...how you've grown.'' dont' think it's something you can tell someone though. has to be witnessed...experienced.

 

she's moving back to where i live at some point...so who knows. only she knows what's in her heart (perhaps she doesn't even know that). my own heart is open to whatever happens. what a shift...

 

 

[waveseer]

you felt obligated? funny what happens when you open up to people. it seems everyone close to me felt obligated to pass on the same message.

"you have to tell this girl what you've experienced...how you feel...how you've grown.'' dont' think it's something you can tell someone though. has to be witnessed...experienced.

 

she's moving back to where i live at some point...so who knows. only she knows what's in her heart (perhaps she doesn't even know that). my own heart is open to whatever happens. what a shift...

 

 

 

It's as much for her as for you. Now, if she doesn't want to know anything about your growth, or cannot trust you for some reason that's one thing. But many people would find it extremely gratifying if an ex they still had feelings for were to resolve their major intimacy issues. Some people would find it extremely gratifying even if their interest had cooled.

 

I really wish you the best, whatever that becomes.

[Janx]

Well, we did spend a lot of time together yesterday. We tend to on weekends. Anyway, I was trying to get the gutters cleaned, and was trying to do some late season stuff done in the yard and he was so magnificent about helping me and after we got done, we went into the house and we cleaned up and had some supper (he ordered out...and paid...) and were sitting on the couch watching a movie snuggled together and looked up at him and he smiled at me and I sort of grasped his arm and I told him that it was really nice that he helped me out today (and of course he tried to trivialize it...'oh it wasn't that big of a deal', etc). I kept looking at him and I asked him if there was anything that he wanted that I could do for him in appreciation, because I loved him and I wanted to show him how I felt and how much I appreciate the sacrifices he makes for me all the time...and I gave him some examples, like making him some cookies or take him out for a drink...

 

He sort of wouldn't look at me for a good few minutes, as if he hoped that I'd forgotten that I'd asked. I said that it was ok if he didn't say anything right away and then I snuggled closer. I didn't say anything more about it and watched the movie and then about five or ten minutes later he said 'Why?'.

 

It surprised me slightly because I didn't expect him to respond at all. I looked up at him and said 'Why what?". And he asked me why I had to do anything at all. I told him it wasn't about having to do anything, it was because I wanted to, because I cared for him a lot and I thought he deserved something for all the stuff he's done for me. He started to look uncomfortable when I said this. I just held his arm a little closer and smiled at him. He sort of sighed and said that he didn't need anything...that what I Was doing was enough and I that anything more would be unfair.

 

I didn't want to argue with him but I just looked at him and said 'but I want to do something...that I didn't think it was fair that he was doing all that work and that I don't have to do anything...'. And he said that it wasn't the same and that he'd really just be very happy if I wasn't so worried about this sort of stuff. I stopped saying anything and I thought I'd just hold him a little because he seemed so tired after he said that, like the entire's day work had just piled on top of him. He then said, that he knows that I love him, and that I worry, and that it's sweet but it hurts to know I'm so worried about him because he doesn't want me to do things just to make him happy or to be worried about him being happy or to stroke his ego...because he didn't want me to get depressed.

 

I didn't know what to say to that. I'm still confused. I just got the idea that he seems to think I'm trying too hard...I guess...or something...

[waveseer]

Janx, you did great! I really don't know what's going on with him but you are very loving and kind.

[Janx]

Janx, you did great! I really don't know what's going on with him but you are very loving and kind.

 

It's just, I don't know what to do with this. I mean he seems so hurt...and what am I supposed to do...

 

He got all twitchy last night and and was still twitchy this morning (he stayed over but he wouldn't sleep with me and slept on the couch). When he left he looked so tired and depressed and I didn't know what to do...I just felt stuck. I don't know what to do...

[JeckyllNHyde]

I've been in a few one-sided relationships and they were not in my favor. I am not a particularly needy person and I am almost always happy to give without thought of return. In other words, I make a great mark. Anyway, I've been thinking about one-sided relationships lately because I'd really prefer to never have another one as long as I live. The thought that keeps running through my mind is this...

 

One-sided relationships are really unhealthy because both people are more concerned with one partner which leaves nobody left to make the other partner's best interests a priority.

 

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on one-sided relationships so I can add to my storehouse for future reference to keep me out of them.

 

Thank you.

 

Luckily I was only in this type of "Relationship" when I was in my teens and thought I knew what love/a relationship was. Boy was I farrrrrrrr from right.

 

I'd never EVER get into a one sided one and would rather just walk out and be alone.

I need someone who cares as much as I do for the relationship to work. Maybe it's just the fact that I have alot of pride. This can sometimes be a problem for me and my bf, yet at the same time, we both care too much to let the other person feel hurt, or only contribute. And I think that's the way it should be.

 

Someone who hurts another person, or only takes takes and takes, isn't a "friend" nor a worthy bf.

 

You also have to make sure you put your foot down, and don't allow someone to do this to you.

[waveseer]

Two people have done this to me. The first one gave back until the relationship was secure and then discontinued his contribution once we were well on our way to married with children. The second one gave back and then decreased his giving back until I ended the relationship at which time he promised to make it more equitable, which never really happened.

 

It's not my habit to be this way but I can see where my relationship with my husband set me up for the one after him.

 

Maybe I need more work on "how not to be deceived when I am infatuated".

[JeckyllNHyde]

Maybe.. But I strongly believe after going thru what you did (or thru any bad and unhealthy relationship) you come out wiser AND stronger after doing some contemplating, analying, etc. You learn to look out for signs so you can stay more level headed, sure of what you want and objective.

 

 

Sometimes I can be a bit TOO hard and be too quick to put my foot down and/or calling their attention to the matter, which is also not good, since you come off controlling (so that the other person also contributes in whatever way.) Then you need to take a step back and ask if you're expecting too much of a contribution, but that's another subject.

It's most ideal to just find the right balance and know when to speak up. But like I said.. they have to be willing to admit their faults, and see it from your point of view too.

 

It takes 2 to tango.. So cheesy but true.

[waveseer]

Oh, I definitely made my share of mistakes. They are probably seeking advice on how to stay away from crazy women like me.

[90_hour_sleep]

It's as much for her as for you. Now, if she doesn't want to know anything about your growth, or cannot trust you for some reason that's one thing. But many people would find it extremely gratifying if an ex they still had feelings for were to resolve their major intimacy issues. Some people would find it extremely gratifying even if their interest had cooled.

 

I really wish you the best, whatever that becomes.

 

those are indeed the million dollar questions. i'm sure if the answers were apparent to me, i'd be in a much different place.

 

if you saw the letter, and you knew her...i think you'd find it difficult to imagine that she wouldn't have had some kind of emotional reacion. impossible to know. she could very likely have reached a place where she was completely detached...on all levels. that would make sense to me.

hard to know where she's at in her own head...and more importantly...her own heart. romance is bliss when you're with someone new. hard to imagine there are mixed feelings in there for me somewhere.

 

who knows.

[90_hour_sleep]

Two people have done this to me. The first one gave back until the relationship was secure and then discontinued his contribution once we were well on our way to married with children. The second one gave back and then decreased his giving back until I ended the relationship at which time he promised to make it more equitable, which never really happened.

 

It's not my habit to be this way but I can see where my relationship with my husband set me up for the one after him.

 

Maybe I need more work on "how not to be deceived when I am infatuated".

 

how true is that of virtually every relationship. give give give...until you find some security...and then you start picking apart behaviors.

 

your last line...that's pretty powerful. you are definitely NOT alone on that one. what's the source of your infatuation? are your feelings just that strong? do you see some hidden potential for a future? i'd be curious to hear your perspectives while in that ''infatuated'' state.

 

 

[waveseer]

how true is that of virtually every relationship. give give give...until you find some security...and then you start picking apart behaviors.

 

your last line...that's pretty powerful. you are definitely NOT alone on that one. what's the source of your infatuation? are your feelings just that strong? do you see some hidden potential for a future? i'd be curious to hear your perspectives while in that ''infatuated'' state.

 

 

 

You said it in your reply above this one, "Romance is bliss when you're with someone new."

 

I love with my whole heart and I have an incredible amount of love to give. As long as the other person is accepting of me, I figure everything's okay even before I have chosen to love.

 

My issue is that I have not concerned myself enough with how I feel about the other person in an analytical way. Are they really who they say they are? Is it all an act? Are they doing anything that bothers me? Honestly, these questions do not naturally cross my mind in the infatuation state unless there are red flags too large or numerous to ignore.

[90_hour_sleep]

It's just, I don't know what to do with this. I mean he seems so hurt...and what am I supposed to do...

 

He got all twitchy last night and and was still twitchy this morning (he stayed over but he wouldn't sleep with me and slept on the couch). When he left he looked so tired and depressed and I didn't know what to do...I just felt stuck. I don't know what to do...

depression's a whole 'nother boat. it's difficult to work on your relationship when one person isn't on the same emotional par as the other.

 

it's also difficult, because, until he's comfortable asking for help, you'll have a very tough time helping him with the depression. it has to be his own awareness...his own realizations...his own desire to act on those realizations. you could try making yourself informed on some possible ''treatments'' for depression. there are some great books out there on cognitive therapy. may give you some insight into what he's dealing with...and may help you to help him indirectly.

 

the conversation you had is an opportunity to learn. you may not agree with what he had to say (about not wanting or expecting anything in return), but you can acknowledge that it makes sense to you...and that you can understand and respect that that's how he feels. it's a two way street. when you allow someone the space to be heard, you're putting yourself in the position to actively listen to them. it doesn't matter what they have to say. you just need to accept that it's his perspective. for him, it's what he knows and believes...what he wants. again, you don't have to agree...but you can still acknowledge that it's what works for him. you're letting him be as he is...letting him feel safe within the realtionship to do that. that's an important first step. once he's more comfortable...he'll be more likely to slowly begin letting you in.

 

of course...it works better if you're both aware of what's going on...but with time you may be able to approach him about that...when you feel safe enough to do so.

 

 

[90_hour_sleep]

You said it in your reply above this one, "Romance is bliss when you're with someone new."

 

I love with my whole heart and I have an incredible amount of love to give. As long as the other person is accepting of me, I figure everything's okay even before I have chosen to love.

 

My issue is that I have not concerned myself enough with how I feel about the other person in an analytical way. Are they really who they say they are? Is it all an act? Are they doing anything that bothers me? Honestly, these questions do not naturally cross my mind in the infatuation state unless there are red flags too large or numerous to ignore.

 

how long does that state last for you? or, how long has it lasted in the past?

it sounds as though you've learned from that...but are you still prone it even with newfound awareness?

 

i think this describes a large percentage of women...especially in western society. the ideals are very much alive...and the drive to satisfy those ideals is powerful.

 

it's interesting.

[waveseer]

how long does that state last for you? or, how long has it lasted in the past?

it sounds as though you've learned from that...but are you still prone it even with newfound awareness?

 

i think this describes a large percentage of women...especially in western society. the ideals are very much alive...and the drive to satisfy those ideals is powerful.

 

it's interesting.

 

I am super strong-minded and most often pay a lot more attention to the positives in a relationship than the negatives. I may be one of those rare people who could potentially with enough positive feedback reside in the state of infatuation indefinitely. As it was, I'd say six months to a year before the negative or absent feedback in my relationships burst my infatuation bubble.