I want her back so much

[Thinkingin10s]

So, I had posted a very long post a few weeks ago about my girlfriend breaking up with me. I don't know how to link it to this, but since that nightmare, I have realized how much I love her and want her as my partner.

 

I know she isn't ready, and is seriously confused. The break up was miserable and the 6 weeks we lived together afterwords nearly killed me.

 

She has begun dating and is dating 2 guys casually, although she like one more than the other. As a matter offact while I was still living with her after an argument (post break up) she slept at his house. We both handled the 6 weeks awfully. I was needy and pathetic andshe was flaunting staying out all night doing whatever. I really don't think she was sleping around, but ...

 

She had texted me, called me, and emailed me almost every day since I actually moved out. I know it was because she needed closure so I resisited as long as I could from actually seeing her. But last Sunday I decided I couls actually see her. We met at Union Square park in Manhatten and found a great brunch place. We had a great time and didn't really speak about the break up. I decided to move back to Hoboken a few days prior (I moved myself into the Brooklyn ghetto - it was necessary as it was a month to month lease and I had to get out of the house). Yesterday I picked up my keys and we decided to meet.

 

The dinner was a catasrophe. I went to hug her when I saw her and she stopped me saying this was just us hanging out, not a date. Note on Sunday she came back to my apartmen, fell asleep in my lap, and then we kissed for a while. However after kissing, she said I need to learnhow to kiss better to impress my other ladies. I told her again that we can't just be friendsafter a 4.5 year relationship, living together for 3.

 

Anyway, dinner was miserable. We immediatelly started talking about us, something neither of us wanted. She said she was seeing 2 guys casually and really liked one. I told her that I wantedto date her casually but exclusively and she said not at this time. She knows how I feel and that I am all or nothing. I want her back so badly. Not for need, but I absolutely love her. While at dinner she said two things that made me question so much:

 

1) The more I date themore I realize that no one has had my best interest in mind as much as you

 

2) She realized that she mean to me while we dated and didn't know why. She wants to be with someone whom she is nice too.

 

Dinner ended in such a sombre way that you could cut the tension, and neither of us ate anything. We left and she said she really did have feelings for this one guy and that neither of us were ready to meet. I don't understand why she pushed so hard to meet in the frst place. I hate the fact she has feelings/slept with someone else. What does not at this time mean?

 

We decided on no contact for a few months, although I am moving back into her neighbourhood tomorrow (not for her, but so I can be in a place I am more comfortable). We also spokeabout running into eachotheron the street and if we were on a date. I said it would be gut wrenching and awkward but no scenewould be made. She said she was ok with me seeing other people but seeing us together would be weird.

 

I know I just needto move on, but everytime I try something to get her back it backfires. I know I have pushed so hard for so long that getting her back is almost impossible, but I want her back. She said she wants me in her life, and I told her that theonly way she could be is if she was my partner again. She said not now.

 

After this awful evening she sent me a text saying "I'm sorry and I'llalways love you" butthephone conversation ended that she loves me but is not inlove with me.

 

Oh God, why is this so hard and complicated.

[swifty335]

Man I know what you mean about how it has to be so complicated; why right? What's the need?

 

But anyways, my opinion if you really want her back in the long run and you really truly think she is the one; you just HAVE to let her go. You may not want to, but it has to be done for yourself. Dwelling on the past is not going to bring her back, the only thing that will allow ANY chance at all for you two to reconcile is if you move on and let her miss you, let her see that you can stand strong on your own. Make her see that you're a new man, and if she really loved you and what you had was real, she WILL regret leaving you.

 

In the meantime you really just have to move on and try to forget about her. Easier said than done I know, but it really does get easier with time. Honestly, sometimes I wish I hadn't moved on; I feel like I'd rather live in pain with the memories of her than to move on...but like I said if you really love her and want any chance of getting her back, just let her go man, let the memories fade, and move forward in life.

 

She will eventually see that she misses you and will become interested in you again. If she does, by that time you might not even want her back. But if the time comes and she does want you back, just take it slow and take it from the beginning. You have to take control and make the relationship go the way you want it. After all, she's the one who left you, so make her work for you this time.

 

If she doesn't come back, by then you will have moved on and probably won't want her back.

[In the Dark]

0_o Thats like my ex.

Awful.

Just realize you're not the one who made it like this.

She did.

For whatever reasons.

She will not say.

Maybe it was too embarrassing, disgusting and selfish judging by how she behaved when she was in the same room as you.

Just says I don't know.

 

Wheres the closure in that.

[mikeca]

even though its the last thing we'll do..the simplest way to 'un-complicate' everything is to walk away...but boy is that hard..

[coolchick64]

I agree with everyone else here. You have to cut her off, even if you ultimately hope for something in the future. You need to do it for self-preservation. You need to do it because it give you the best chance of straightening things out with her.

 

A few observations:

 

First, I think her comment about the way you kiss was nothing less than vicious. It was a back-handed way to undermine your confidence. You shouldn't take that from anyone, least of all the woman who claims to love you, with whom you spent almost 5 years of your life. If she didn't like the way you kissed, what was she doing kissing you all that time?! Sheesh!

 

Second, I think the problem here might be a power imbalance in your relationship. I had a similar problem with my ex-husband. As the man, you need to be dominant. No woman wants a man she can walk all over. Women will test the limits. It's your job to reign her in. I suspect that if you manned up and started calling the shots more, she'd suddenly find you very attractive. Do not play the nice guy. Don't walk around on eggshells. It's making things worse.

 

David Deida has written some great books about this stuff---I'd recommend that you cut her off, read his books, and see if things don't start changing for the better.