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Is NC in my situation wrong (if the endgame is to get her back)?


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Quick rundown, my ex-gf broke up with me 3 months ago, we were together 14 months, and we were friends for almost a year before that, very tight the whole time. You can go back and read the details, but basically, our relationship was put under a lot of stress from us being together all the time with neither one of us saying we needed some time to ourselves at the risk of hurting the other's feelings. Then in the "security" of what we had, and my relationship inexperience, I basically took her for granted on a daily basis in every way while we were at university. Then during the summer, she makes a ton of new friends at her new job and is able to have a lot of fun while my job was very stressful on me. She decides that apparently, it just wasn't meant to be, and breaks it off.


We were in somewhat LC over the summer, small talks, here and there. She's been back at school for a month now, doing what we used to do, I know she must think about me at least sometimes, back at the place where we used together, sleeping alone in the bed we used to sleep together in, unfortuneately, I don't know if the thoughts are good are bad. Also, and very importantly, she's now in a relationship with "Chad," someone who she met there, talked about as a friend, and frankly, seemed to be impressed with. (So yes, she's now in a 2 hour Long-distance-rebound-relationship, but alone in the place that used to be our home). For the record, I took a year off from school and that's why I'm at our home town, rather than going to back to university the same time as her.


The Hole I'm Afraid I've Dug...


The point of this thread is to establish what I should do, because my current actions I don't think are really doing me any favors. 2 weeks after the breakup, I went to her home to return some things and we had a short talk in which she apologized for doing this and I indicated that it was probably for the best this happened because it woud have hurt more if this would have happened later, and then I proceeded to diagnose (in my infinite wisdom) the trigger to our breakup, the new jobs and the distance that caused, as the underlying cause, which I now think was a disservice to her. She wanted to "remain friends" but I honestly have no idea what her intentions are, all I know is that 1 month ago, when she updated her facebook status to "in a relationship" it hurt so bad I didn't look at her facebook for weeks, I didn't sign on, I disappeared off the face of the earth.


She's deathly afraid of being alone with no friends, which is something she found for the first time in her life this summer, (we're both 23 btw), and after the breakup and since going back to school, her online activity has skyrocketed, (I have disappeared, remember). She's also gone to the trouble of adding all her old boyfriends as friends, and the she's apparently super buddy buddy now with jealous/suicidal/psycho guy that she was with before me. I don't want to get friendzoned, I'm afraid I already have been.


We haven't talked in a month, no contact, and frankly, even though the first few days after finding out her and her new guy are official hurt like hell, this has been the easiest month for me by far, since I just don't stalk her social life anymore. Unfortunately, with the hyper social state she's been in, and that I assume she’s in now, I don't think me just fading away to heal is going to do any good in the long run to getting her back....




1. Because of her rebound and the friendzoned issue, I *think* a hard-announced NC might be best, but if so, how to do it?

2. Because we both go to the same school, and will be seeing each other every day next year, I don't want a full NC to make things awkward in the future.

3. Frankly, I'm not sure if initiating full-NC 3 months afterward when we were only together a little over a year is just going to make it seem as though I haven't, or can't, move on, when she did so quickly thanks to her miraculous new support group (which her rebound is a part of). I'm sure I could get her to understand how it still hurts, but that doesn't really do much does it?

What I Want To Do


This current state of just existing on the fringes of her ether has got to stop, doesn't it? We had a very deep connection, and I know for a fact it was deeper than what she has ever had before and I doubt what she has now. Her family figured I was it, she thought I was it, I thought she was it. I really betrayed her by taking her for granted and never really trying for months on end, partly because I didn't know how, partly because I was too secure in the relationship, partly because I wasn't in a position to do so. I broke the one promise I made to her, that I wouldn't turn into my father, which I always took to mean the fighting, which I did avoid, we fought once, one time, ever, two weeks before the breakup, I apologized profusely, but I see it now, she said she felt like I was treating her like my dad treats my mother, and now I see I had been doing it for months. I wish I could just call her, and tell her I'm sorry, name off the things I've done, but I don't want to "drudge up the past" or "appear I can't let go" or that I "can't move on." I find myself hoping and praying for something just something from her, a text, something, that I can use to start a dialogue, and let her know I now see what happened and why she had to leave.


Option1 I'm considering calling her, asking her how school is going, offer the wisdom of someone who's already taken the classes that she's in now, congratulate her on new artwork, (I do look at her deviantart page from time to time, since going back to school, she has posted some new stuff that she's done in photoshop, that is quite good) keep it friendly, and casual, and just let her know that I'm going to remove her from everything, my phone, xbox live (we both used to play games together, A TON), facebook, let her know some specific things I'm sorry for, wish her and "Chad" all the best in the world. Let her know that I hope she finds that happy home she wants so bad (what she had when she was younger, her parents got divorced when she was 19 and it rocked her world, hard. I believe this is the reason she gets out of relationships so easily) and that I will be looking myself. Remind her that I'm not punishing her, I just feel it impedes my ability to move on whenever I see her profile picture, and I'm constantly reminded of what I lost.


Option 2 Everything in option 1, minus the part where I instigate NC. Then up my own activity on facebook, make every effort to appear and be happy.


Option 3 Option 2, then 1, if it hurts too much or I decide it’s wrong.


It’s still early in her rebound, she’s just gone back to school, I don’t want to want her relationship to end, but I find myself wishing so, it’s not right. I find myself thinking, “Well, we’ll just see how your new guy handles you being away at school and being busy all the time with no time to yourself,” and, “I know your new guy can get you drunk and cook you a meal, let’s see if he can stay up with you all night (literally) and cut balsa wood to help you finish a model that’s due the next day.”


I feel like I should have gone NC a long time ago, but instead decided to play it all off like it was no big deal. But now I’m not sure if trying to fix it is just going to hurt more than help. We were only together 14 months, but we knew each other a year before that, so in that case of situation, is waiting 3 months too weird? It’s been 3 months, but she’s been back at school, in “our” place, for a month, so this sudden absence of me may be all new and fresh in her mind. I just want something to happen, something, this state of limbo eats on my mind whenever I give it a chance. I try to keep myself busy during the day, but late at night, when the air is still, I lie there and I just miss her so, and I can’t help but wonder if 2 hours down the road, when she’s alone with her thoughts at night, if the person she misses is ever me.



For the record, the calling and apologizing, is partly to get it all off my conscience, I feel like I've done her a real disservice, firstly by allowing myself to add up a number of tiny things that caused her to realize that I'm not everything she thought I was, by always having in the back of my mind that because I helped her thru a bad break-up she owed me, and, even at the end, acting arrogantly by assuming I know more about it all that she does, including knowing more about her than she knows herself. The mindsets I've had appall me, and she was on the receiving end, and she stuck with me for good long while. I think I would feel better about it all if I could just apologize for it all, even if it didn't help at all towards ever reconciling.



Thank you all for listening, thank you all for your input, I just want to do the right thing.

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johnny, in your post you said "this is the reason she gets out of relationships so easy". It sounds like you want to believe that you were different than her other exs, but if this woman gets out of relationships easily, then it sounds like this is what happened to you too. I'm sorry she hurt you so bad.


If you want to apologize you certainly can, but don't do it just to get her back. I think you are looking for a way to provoke her into some action. Problem is that she might take an action that you don't like. It is certainly your choice how to play it but I think if you want to go NC, just do it. It really isn't necessary to write her a note and state it to her. Just go NC and see if/when she notices. I hope she comes back but I hope more that you accept what has happened and have some fun at school. I believe there are a lot of OTHER girls at school, no?

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