How to be strong with the NO CONTACT rule?

[debisfun]

We've been going to counseling the past 6 weeks, and I thought we were really making progress on his issues. He started talking about setting a date, saying things like "good thing the honeymoon is paid for", "have you practiced Deborah {insert his last name} yet?". But then last week, after one pretty minor disagreement (in my mind), he left.

 

He said that he felt we were back to square one and was tired of feeling like I thought he was wrong all the time (which I don't). He said he felt he didn't love me enough for it to be forever. When he said that, the room literally began to spin.

 

Well, this week hasn't been pretty. I haven't quite reduced myself to begging, but I have been talking to him, trying to convince him that he's making a mistake. I even saw him on Sunday night at a retirement party for one of his co-workers (we were talking on the phone and he said he would still like me to come). During that time, he admitted that he was happy to see me and that he missed me.

 

But then Monday and Tuesday weren't so good. I dropped some books off to him Monday night, ("Getting to Commitment", and "Letting Go of Fear"), and we talked. His mom called and I could hear her ask if he had talked to me yet....she said "Be Strong!". Ugh.

 

I've been asking him to go to the counselor with me again....he called her and she said she didn't think it was a good idea (based on what she thought I had told her last week when I saw her by myself). I talked to her for a few minutes and she said that she would see us, but really cautioned me on what were my motives. She is worried that I'm not taking care of myself.

 

I know I need to implement the NO CONTACT rule. But everytime I think of it really being over, I get dizzy.

 

Also, I haven't been able to eat (hardly anything), and my sleeping has been horrible, even with sleep aids. I've been late to work, and haven't been good about getting my son to school on time

 

I keep hoping that it's not for real, and that he will wake up and realize what a mistake he's making. I know I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, I just keep looking for a way to help him get over his past hurts (he was married twice before, both times he was the dumpee).

 

Don't know what I'm really asking....I guess I just want reassurance that this knot will go away that is in my stomach, and that I'll be able to go more than 2 minutes w/o thinking about him.

[lisaria]

Hey deb,

Yes, the knot in your stomach will eventually go away. You will be able to go a minute without thinking about him, then minutes. It will happen, but it will take a while.

Your story reminded me of my ex. He led me on too. Made me think we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. The new house we would have and the stuff that we'd put in it. Even what kind of dog we were going to have. It was all a lie. Made his son believe it too which was unforgivable. We went through so much together that I couldn't believe he was cheating on me. All the stuff I helped him with and it meant nothing to him.

You do need to put the no contact rule into effect. You need to start thinking about YOU and your son. How old is he? He's dependent on you and doesn't want to see him mom sad. I remember crying in the shower so my girls wouldn't hear me. I also lost alot of weight which was the only good thing that came out of the relationship. My sleep was non-existent. I kept waiting (and some days still do) for him to call. He would realize his mistake and call me and everything would be ok. But it's not ok. I'm alone again and I have to learn to like it again. It's so damned hard. But deb, you and I will get through these stupid a##es and the stuff they did to us. The promises they made and didn't keep. We are so much better than they are. You know why? Because we loved them so much more than they ever could have loved us. We didn't lie about our feelings or our intentions. They did.

Life will be almost unbearable the next few weeks. But you will get up each day and move. Get your son to school and get to work and go through each minute like a zombie sometimes. Then when you're alone scream in your pillow, punch the hell out of it. Get the tears and anger out. They will come when you really don't want them to. If you're at work, go to the bathroom and cry. I think I spent a few days in the bathroom at my workplace. Then you just go on. You won't know how you do it, but you will. You put one foot in front of the other and you move. Talk to your friends until you're talked out. Then do it again the next day and the next. If you feel like calling him, get up here instead. Same with email. Do not contact him. But....

Are you going to counselling with him? Did he agree? If so, then I guess the no contact wouldn't work, would it? I just hope things work out if you do.

But either way we are here for you. Stay strong.

L

[debisfun]

My head knows it will get better...my heart is just not wanting to listen.

 

I'm still in the phase of thinking that I can "fix" him. I've started to read a book called "Women Who Love Too Much".....pretty rough reading. It's not what I want to hear. It's much easier to believe that he'll magically wake up someday (soon) and realize what he's lost.

 

Right now I know I'm in denial. I keep trying to pretend that he's on a vacation somewhere, or that I just talked to him. That way I don't feel like it's been days since I've heard his voice.

 

I'm lucky that I have several really good girlfriends who are here for me. They've told me to call them WHENEVER I get the urge to make contact.

 

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

[Hopingpraying]

Deb,

 

He will wake up someday and realize what he is lost, but he is not going to do that with the way you are going about it right now. You are pushing, and he is pulling away. The only way to get him to stop pulling away is for you to quit pushing. He needs time. You might call this cold feet, at least that is what I am reading into it. He may not be able to tell you he is not ready to get married.

 

I have been where you are. Not eating, can't sleep, not going to work. But I can tell you I have gotten out of that phase. I still think about my wife alot. Our divorce won't be final until August, but each day it gets a little easier. I had to accept that if I want her back I have to let her go. Easy??? definitely not, but you do what you have to do. I know I will come out of this a better husband and father, I have made a commitment to do that. So concentrate on your issues. Keep reading that book even though it is not what you want to hear. It could be you don't want to hear it because there could be some truth there. Keep your head up. Be strong, and stop contacting him.

 

Good luck, and feel free to vent here anytime. We like to listen!!

[debisfun]

It's day three and counting since the NO CONTACT. Last night I went to a Sharks game with a girlfriend that was very very entertaining. (especially since the Sharks scored three times in the first period, and Marleau had a hat trick).

 

But a couple of times I almost choked up, thinking about the LAST game I went to....it was with him, his daughter and my son.

 

I've got a "date" tonight with my son (going to the cheap movies). Tomorrow a friend is coming over to spend the afternoon with me (going to my son's soccer game, then she's going to help me clean my garage!), then I'm going over to another friend's house for dinner.

 

Sunday morning it's church, then I've got a few hours to kill before I take my son to soccer tryouts.

 

I'm trying to stay busy, but I can't help keep counting the minutes. I hope and pray that he'll call, but I'm terrified that he won't. I'm also terrified that if he DOES call, he won't be able to tell me what I need/want to hear.

 

I wish I could erase him from my memory bank.

[debisfun]

Ugh.....

 

I thought it was getting better --- thought I wouldn't feel that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

It's almost the end of day 5 of the NCR. I've been fantasing all day about texting him and asking him to lunch. (sick I know, but still....)

 

Anyway, when I got home there was a "missed delivery" notice from the post office. All I could think of was that he sent me the few things that I had at his house. It was like a knife was stuck through me.

 

Turns out, it's an Amazon delivery of some books I bought for my son.

 

Still, I'm surprised at the depth of my pain.

 

Will this ever end?