loveyousomuch Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 So I'm going to be honest and straight to the point. I've always thought my fiancee was bisexual or bi-curious and I've asked him before we started dating - he said he wasn't. I was recently snooping on his phone, which I hadn't done until I found other porn on there, and I noticed a video that had the title that a porn video would. I clicked on it, and watched the video, and sure enough it was porn. However, to my surprise, it was GAY porn.. I watched the whole video, not ONE girl in the entire thing.. I don't even know what to do. When I found the video, I immediately felt sick to my stomach and started shaking. I haven't said anything to him yet because I wanted some advice on the situation. Also, since I've had our baby, we have not had regular sex, he only wants to have anal.. I don't know what to do. I know I need to confront him, but, I need help. (I'm not sure if this is important, but he was raped by his male cousin when he was 4 and then again when he was 7...) ...any one out there have any advice ? Link to comment
Darato Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 He still could be bi. Just because there wasn't one girl doesn't mean he is just gay. I have bi friends who enjoy porn with just guys, with just girls, and with both. L.F.D. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 (I'm not sure if this is important, but he was raped by his male cousin when he was 4 and then again when he was 7...) Has he had any help in dealing with this? Because as much as the porn could just be porn, it could also be a way in which he's attempting to work though it. Link to comment
loulee Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I see a major problem here that warrants discussion,....... from both reading his history and his preference NOW sexually...you need to approach this with him gently...the video is no biggie on its own..but combining this with his history of sexual abuse and his preference for anal sex only now would cause me to think there is a major unravelling of sexual issues popping up that need to be addressed..are there any other things that you have noticed that have changed in his general behavour??. has he changed his general intimacy towards you..has his affection towards you waned, is he less touchy and feely???......talk with him about this and take it from there.... Link to comment
BigCheezy Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well, that's a tough one. I get really weird videos and pictures sent to my phone from my friends that are often really random, gay, or obscene. My friends are not gay and neither am I but they find these things funny to trick people into seeing. I never delete anything on my phone, so I probably still have gay porn on there, though I wouldn't be watching it. However, it sounded like you found like a whole porn movie or something that he probably was not tricked into having. If someone is raped/molested at a young age, that can really screw that person up. I wouldn't put it past him to be in denial about being bi-sexual. What I would be worried about is him doing something wrong sexually to your kid. (I don't mean to scare you, but I think abused victims often become abusers themselves.) You should see if you can convince him to go into counseling/therapy. If you confront him with the stuff on his phone, he may get really upset at you snooping around to find what he thought was hidden, so he may get really closed up and not be willing to tell the truth. I am about to fall asleep, but I hope that helps a little. Good luck! ... and his preference for anal sex only now ... I can understand how something like this could be a problem with his being abused. But, I also have heard from guys that their wives/girlfriends are just not that tight anymore after having a baby; sex isn't as good. However, anal sex is normally pretty tight, so a lot of guys prefer it for that reason. Most of my friend's wives/gfs do not let them do anal though. Link to comment
loveyousomuch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 He is less touchy-feely now, and anytime we ever want to get intimate, its always because he wants to, never because i want to.. Link to comment
loveyousomuch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 also, we haven't even tried vaginal sex since the baby.. Link to comment
Southern Sugar Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well, based on what you've said, what is important is that you are obviously disturbed by his behavior regardless of what his sexual orientation may really be. My advice would be to not get into the habit of accepting behavior that you're not comfortable with. Once you start doing that, you'll end up compromising yourself into unhealthy relationships. People always see red flags early on in relationships. For some unexplainable reason, we choose to ignore them. You know that this whole thing does not feel or look right. Follow your insticts and intuition. Link to comment
loveyousomuch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 i have always worried about him and my son.. just knowing his history, not because of the fact he has gay porn on his phone. i know sexual orientation has nothing to do with abuse. Link to comment
Lecturer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 i have always worried about him and my son.. just knowing his history' date=' not because of the fact he has gay porn on his phone. i know sexual orientation has nothing to do with abuse.[/quote'] Sexuality has a lot to do with abuse, though. What he has been through can not be .. undone. I think if there are ANY signs that he has lingering effects, he needs to talk to a professional to help identify and constructively deal with them. Beyond that I can't help as I'm too enraged and upset by your story of what happened Link to comment
Southern Sugar Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Out of curiosity....why were you snooping anyway? There must be some other things going on besides what you've mentioned. Apparently, there are some trust issues as well. Could it be that finding the porn confirmed what you already knew, but wasn't ready to confront? Regardless of what the fall out is from this entire situation, you both should seek professional counseling. You haven't mentioned it yet and ignoring it will only make it worse. Good luck. Link to comment
GoneCrazy Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Bi..yes, however i would be leaning more towards gay, just cause of he whole anal sex, now i'm mostr likly wrong but thats my 2 cents. Have you checked if he has anymore porn ? if so are there any woman in those vids ??? Link to comment
GhostShip Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 i have always worried about him and my son.. just knowing his history' date=' not because of the fact he has gay porn on his phone. i know sexual orientation has nothing to do with abuse.[/quote'] Unfortunately, many of the gay or bi people I have known or met in my life have been molested or raped when they were younger. I'm not saying that is a prerequisite to being gay by any means, but it does affect sexual orientation when it's present. I wish you the best Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.