What can I do to help?

[Krikkit]

My girlfriend was sexually abused as a child. It seems lately that our relationship is getting serious; we've already talked about whether we want children, our goals in life, and she's trusted me enough to talk to me about her childhood abuse. I guess what I'm getting at is, if/when we come to the point in our relationship where we decide to get married (which would obviously also mean a sexual relationship)...is there anything at all that I do to help her work through her issues? Or do I just need to be there for her?

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I have a couple friends that have been in the same situation. They have to work things out on there own. All you can do it to try and not do anything that could bring back those memories. That means you have to follow her lead. There really isn't anything you can do except just be what she needs you to be at any given moment, and that's going to change all the time… Not that it doesn't with any other woman, but it will more so in these situations.

[avman]

I disagree just a bit with Nifty_swifty on this one. I dont think you should try and walk on eggshells trying not to bring up those memories. See, you likely wouldn't really know what will trigger those memories and you don't want her to feel like you are treating her differently because those things happened. That may cause her MORE guilt.

 

I suggest you get educated on the issues that she will be facing as she continues through her healing process. link removed is a good place to start for learning more about what has happened. Also link removed has a LOT of different sites you can explore to find out more.

 

Also you are right, just being there for her and letting her talk about what's happened, being loving and understanding, and accepting her just as she is. All of this will go a long way towards helping her and letting her trust you.

 

I wish you the best of luck with things.

 

avman

[mahlina]

You know, the best solution for her, is for you to sit down and talk it out with her. I see that you care for her a lot. So, you sitting there, and being concerned for her, asking her questions, will help ease her pain! She'll slowly begin to trust you. I know it's tough to be a boyfriend of a sexually abused partner. And, once in a while, you'll have major drama, because sexually abused victims will often have a hard time 'opening' up that part of their lives, and letting go. It's a major part of their lives, in which often, is really hard to reveal. The fact that she shared that with you, means that she's given herself up to feeling vulnerable again!

 

So, my best advice, is to be her personal counselor, or coach. That's the best way that you'll ease her frustration, and slowly help her with her process of 'healing.' Knowing that she has you for comfort, will help a lot!

 

I can understand what Nifty's saying, but most often, it's best to allow partners to share these things. Otherwsie, most often, it will prevent growth of the relationship, when the abused victim feels 'isolated' in the relationship. They already feel 'isolated' and distraught with the horrors of life in general. So it's tough for them to deal with it 'on their own'. However, I do see where he's coming at. It's best to have a balance of both. Try not to mention it everytime. If you see that she's being a little 'withdrawn,' 'depressed,' or down, then bring up the subject by asking:

"Are you okay? Are you having flashbacks? If so, do you want to talk about it?...."

 

It's good for survivors to be productive with their lives, and move on. But, the issues of 'sexual abuse,' will always come up, and be an issue of 'trust' for them. It's delicate matter, that shouldn't be looked passed at. So, both Avman and Nifty have good points.

 

Just Remember:

1. Be Productive- Enjoy her happy moods, when she's not thinking about it as much.

2. Be her Counselor- When she gets into her 'Depressive Moods.'

 

Good LucK!

Mahlina

 

P.S.- I'm glad that she has someone, who loves her that much, to be so concerned. If you have any other questions on this matter, I'd be glad to help you with this! PM me if you'd like.

[sisterlynch]

Hi there....

 

I would suggest that you should just take it slow and let her work through her issues as they come up. People who are sexually abused as children can think and act just like everyone else most of the time, however they may feel that deep inside there is a sadness or a hunger that they can never touch.

 

If things get too intense for her, she will tend to act like a child, once again this is basically normal. To be there for her in difficult times will take a strong sense of control within your heart. She will test your level of confindence in your self identity to the point that you may feel like you are losing control at times too.

 

Once again this is all part of life, growth and learning more about yourself and others. I bid you peace and good will....JL

[mahlina]

EXCELLENT ADVICE! That's so true! SysterLynch really puts it into a good perspective! Learning about her experience, will broaden your perception as well. She'll really see that you love her, once you do. I wish she could see that you care so much for her. What a lucky girl.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Avman pointed out that it sounds like I was saying something that I really didn't mean. Talking about traumatic events is the best way to get past them, but it has to be her choice to bring this up. If you pry or even give her any since that you expect anything out of her that will only make things worse. I've been through that. A friend of mine would confide in me and almost exclusively me when it came to talking about her experience. If I tried to do anything it would only make things worse. Eventually she talked to other friends about it and things started getting better. The more she talked about it the easer it became to deal with until today where she views it as little more than an event in her past.

 

I guess my earlier point was from looking back at my friend and remembering how when she first started talking about it the smallest thing in a serious situation would be detrimental and I had to learn the "rules" of how to deal with her in anything more than a lighthearted conversation. I had to learn how to get her to talk about her past without actually remembering it so to speak. You want to do what you can to get her to get things out without relieving it, and that get to be very challenging.

[mahlina]

I think the best thing to do, is to be as nuturing as you possibly can. I didn't understand why my ex's didn't understand me. It really put a damper on our relationship, knowing that I couldn't open up to any of them, without feeling scared, or rejected! I can see that they didn't want to focus on the negative things in life, but that's what really put them into another category, in which, I did not want to continue a relationship with them anymore. That's why, the only ex that did understand me, is still a good friend. His coaching, allowed me to meet eye-to-eye with him, and thereforeeee, brought our love to a 'soul-mate' level. However, that's when we both were young, and of course, going to college, really didn't help us to grow in the same path. But, just the thought that he cared for me to counsel me that much, really left an 'imprint' in my life. In which, I will NEVER forget him, or his compassion, on helping me to build up that 'strong' person, that he saw in me. That's called love. Loving someone, means loving them for everything that they are, including the ugly things that happened to them. You're able to sympathize and relate. thereforeeee, understand each other, more on an emotional level, and a partnership level. That's what you call 'True Companonship.'

 

So, if you're really wanting to marry her, then communicate as much as possible. I know it's digging into a lot of past emotions, but it will strengthen that bond that you have for each other. Once you work out through the hurdles, and her 'emotions,' things will settle down for her. By then, she'll start opening up to you. She'll feel much more 'confident' and comfortable, and then her moods will die out. Then she'll be the 'real' her, instead of the 'scared' person. I think that communication is always key.

 

When she sees that she's able to confide in you, she'll break down her walls, and be able to see you as her 'potential' mate for life. Otherwise, if she does not feel as comfortable enough to reveal herself to you, then she'll prevent herself to love you. That's just what I think, based on personal experience.

[Krikkit]

Thanks much for all the advice. You guys have been a lot of help. She knows I care for her a lot, but I just want to make absolutely sure I do what's best, since I get the feeling she hasn't gotten as good as she's deserved in life so far.