Help in so much pain and don't know what to do about her

[Strawbridge]

Sorry for the length of this but I needed to describe in detail my situation.

 

Help me…I can’t get this girl out of my head. I’m in pain and wondered what advice people have or if anyone has been in a similar situation

 

I met this girl about a year ago. I’m 30 and she’s 22. At the time I was in a relationship with someone else (also 30), but was about to go overseas to study for 6 months and was gonna use this as an excuse to break up as I wasn’t really feeling a connection with her anyway. Just before I did this I started hanging out with this new girl, but I didn’t make any moves because I was still with my girlfriend. We just hung out, stayed up till 3am listening to music, drinking, talking, doing fun things that I didn’t do with my girlfriend (my girlfriend was pretty conservative and old fashioned). It was great. We even caught the same bus to work in the mornings so we would always joke about the night before and how little sleep we had etc. I had never had this kind of connection with a girl before.

 

After a month of doing this or so I thought to myself why am I not with this girl instead because I didn’t feel this type of connection with my girlfriend. So I decided to break up with my girlfriend. I started hanging out with this girl more an we got a little more physical as I wasn’t in my relationship anymore. Kissing, cuddling, but no sex as she said that she didn’t want to get involved like that before I went away and that she only sleeps with guys she’s in a relationship with. I respected this decision because she was just protecting herself. She also said that anything goes while overseas because she was about to go on holiday to Thailand as well and obviously wanted the freedom to do what she wanted over there too. However, we still had this emotional connection and the last few weeks with her before I left were fantastic.

 

It was difficult for me overseas. I kept thinking that by the time I got home she would be taken. It took me about a month to stop thinking about her emotionally while I was over there. We kept in contact tho and I always checked her Facebook page to see what she was up to.

 

Fast forward to 6 months later when I return home. We catch up for a drink and I tell her about my time overseas and I feel all those old feelings coming back about how wonderful she is. But something was different, she felt more emotionally distant than before yet we became more physical. She asked me to get an STD test, a good sign that we were going to get more physical. But her behaviour was strange. When she was with me she would be all over me, like a girlfriend. She would hold my hand, cuddle me, talk about things we could do together etc. Yet during the week I would hardly hear from her. She would take ages to respond to text messages, but would always reply. Eventually I couldn’t take her behaviour anymore and at the advice of a friend I wrote her an email telling her exactly how I feel about her. We met up for lunch and she told me that she liked me but didn’t want an exclusive relationship as she wanted to be free to kiss other guys when she goes out. I found this strange because she had only ever slept with 2 guys before and definitely was not that type of girl, but felt like she was getting influenced by one of her friends who had multiple f-buddies.

 

I didn’t know what to do or say. I agreed to be her friend for now and as near as I could tell she was asking me to be her f-buddy, but she was too shy to say it. It was at this point that she told me that she slept with her ex while I was overseas and that they still catch up and are good friends. They broke up over a year and a half ago because she cheated on him. These are the 2 guys she slept with. Her ex and the one night stand she cheated on him with.

 

The next time she came over we slept together for the first time. It has been about a year since I met her now. Still however, during the week when I wasn’t with her I would hardly hear from her. The next time she came over we slept together again and we had a great time and I thought that she was starting to get closer to me, but that same week a few days later she comes over. She tells me that she can’t do this anymore because the night before she kissed her ex and can’t keep switching between me and him. I asked her if she wanted to get back with him and she said no. She asked me if we could just be friends and I said that my feelings for her were too strong to just be friends. We spent that evening together just kissing and cuddling at her house then I left.

 

The next day I de-friended her on facebook (I didn’t realise that you could just turn off her newsfeed). She was going to Bali the week after and I didn’t want to see pictures of her updated all the time. She sent me a txt saying that she noticed I had defriended her and that if I ever change my mind she would love to hear from me because “I do feel something for you I just don’t know how to manage it at the moment”.

 

Its been 3 weeks since then. I am in so much pain because I have never felt like this with someone before. Because I am 30 I have had quite a number of girlfriends but haven’t felt the same way with them as I have with her. This is why I think that I may be losing something potentially wonderful here. I regret de-friending her on facebook as it probably pissed her off.

 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had 2 pieces of advice from friends.

One is to write her a letter or catch up with her and lay all my cards on the table and give it one last shot, because she is obviously scared to get in a committed relationship but if I can tell her to just relax and and take a risk with me and if it doesn’t work out then fine we can break up later. This has a higher chance of her turning me down but at least I might be able to get over her faster if she says no.

 

The other advice is to not contact her for a month or 2 and then slowly get back into her life as a friend and try and rekindle those old feelings we felt for each other. This could be a very painful time for me but it may be worth it.

 

Please help I am in so much pain at the moment and I stupidly looked at her facebook profile the other day (its public) and its put me back to square 1.

When i saw pics of her all dressed up in it made me sick to my stomach.

[Strawbridge]

Sorry I also forgot to mention that while I was overseas she suffered from clinical depression. Not because of me but she didn't tell me what the cause of it was. I guess that could contribute somewhat to her emotionally distant behaviour on my return.

[allgood]

i think you should give her time to find herself......i think its best for you to stay no contact for you and for her. I think this girl is lost....some girls go through phases of being lost in life etc... my ex sorta was when we first started to go out......it was like hell on earth the first six months....i shoulda waited back then....

 

give her space and tell her to work on herself........you need to keep away too cause itll just confuse her emotions...give her a few months and then go after her if you really think shes worth it....

 

just my 2 cents bro....all the best brother

[Welsh lad]

going through exactly the same thing my friend.

Its all well and good people saying to go NC and stay away from them, question is would they do the same thing if they were in our position?...i doubt it.

 

Feeling your pain mate. really not sure what to say other than that

[Strawbridge]

I do think she's worth it. She's the most amazing girl I have met and we had this chemistry when we were around each other. I have never felt the attraction I have felt with her with any of my previous girlfriends.

 

I know that she is confused...she told me so. In our last texts to each other she said that her choice may not be the right one but she doesn't know.

 

I just feel like if only she didn't analyse the situation so much. I'm the kinda person that likes feeling my way through a relationship and not thinking about it. So I give relationships a chance to work before I give up. Its like she didn't even want to give us a shot because she's scared of all these things in the future and because she wants to "leave her options open" yet when we hung out she openly admitted that she liked me. I feel like saying to her just give us a chance and don't think too much about it..just enjoy it for what it is.

 

I guess you're right, she needs to sort herself out...if I try chasing her now she'll probably feel pressured or forced and I'll burn my bridges for good. So I might give it a month or so and then contact her and if she's open to catching up again then I may have a chance with her otherwise I guess it wasn't meant to be (which is hard to take at the moment, because from my point of view she seems like the one).

 

Cheers.

[Strawbridge]

Welsh Lad,

 

The only thing about NC is that for her she still has her ex that she can go to for affection, therefore I'm not actually starving her of anything by NC. I feel like she isn't really affected at all by the NC. However in the 3 weeks since this happen I have texted twice and she replied both times.

 

My friends described it as "she wants her cake, and eat it too". It seemed like I was convenient for her when she wanted to cuddle up to someone and watch a movie or hang out yet didn't want to commit in case someone better came along. She told me she wasn't doing this and said that she just "didn't want an exclusive relationship at the moment", because she still sees her ex and likes the option of meeting other guys. I stupidly agreed to this but that only lasted a few weeks before she said that she "can't keep doing this anymore".

[Hobbes]

i think you should give her time to find herself......i think its best for you to stay no contact for you and for her. I think this girl is lost....some girls go through phases of being lost in life etc... my ex sorta was when we first started to go out......it was like hell on earth the first six months....i shoulda waited back then....

 

give her space and tell her to work on herself........you need to keep away too cause itll just confuse her emotions...give her a few months and then go after her if you really think shes worth it....

 

just my 2 cents bro....all the best brother

 

I agree with this, well written/said. Also been/am in this situation.

[Strawbridge]

I'm going loopy wondering how you can go from one day someone telling you they love you and hugging you and talking about future kids to all gone in 24 hours with little discussion

 

That must have been tough. I feel like my story's nothing compared to yours.

 

Mine never said that she loved me tho. In fact whenever relationship stuff came up in conversation she would always get freaked out and look really anxious. Even after sex, in which she was on the pill and I was wearing a condom, she would start freaking out about her chances of getting pregnant and I would have to talk to her and explain all the percentages and the chances of that actually happening (like 1% or something).

 

Also there was this one time when we went to a gig and at the door you get given those little coloured paper bracelets to show that you're over age and can buy drinks from the bar. I happened to make a joke about how we looked like one of those couples who wore matching jewelry and she suddenly freaked out and said "..WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!". Yet straight after that was holding my hand an kissing me right there and not even watching the bands.

 

And before everyone says "she's just not that into you" judging by that behaviour, I would always back off, like do NC for a few days or not initiate any physical contact, and she would come after me. She would always initiate physical contact, kissing, holding hands. The week that she broke it off she even dropped by my house un-invited and took me out to art festival and was holding my hand the whole time in public (and kissing in public BTW), exactly like a couple (and it was her that grabbed my hand).

 

People say its just timing. That she's at a stage in her life when she wants to "experiment" and not commit to anything and i'm looking for a more settled relationship. But honestly I have never felt like this with anyone before....so how can the only time I ever feel these feelings towards someone just be ruined by bad timing?

 

That's what I'm finding difficult to get over.

 

All I want her to do is just give us a chance together, and I want to try and tell her this in a way that she doesn't feel pressured. She hasn't been in a relationship for about 20 months now. So i'm guessing something's stopping her from just jumping in the pool (metaphorically). She's like one of those people that test the water with their toe but never actually jump in.

[Strawbridge]

give her space and tell her to work on herself........you need to keep away too cause itll just confuse her emotions...give her a few months and then go after her if you really think shes worth it....

 

I know every situation is different so other people can't tell you what is gonna work in your exact situation but I've had so many people tell me this....i.e. to give her some space for a while (NC) then try again in a few months. So i'm guessing this advice is the best.

 

So given that she's the type of girl that's a bit lost at the moment, a little confused, when I do contact her again in a month (which would be about 2 months from when she broke it off) what should I do?

 

Do come back as a friend and ease back into her life slowly? i.e. go for a coffee or lunch or something and keep the conversation away from relationship talk.

 

or

 

Do I ask her straight out for a date? I just realised I've know this girl for a year and I have never been on a proper date with her. Well we've done typical date things but they were never officially labelled a date. So I guess the date i'm talking about here is a full on romantic date.

[allgood]

my advice bro give her space and start small give it 2 months or a month...but you have to work on yourself too man......make sure you know what you want....having one night stands etc adds baggage to her aswell man especially if shes doing it cause she's got emotional issues...

 

trust me man....i had to go through all this with my ex.....i was strong but in the end of my relationship i was a different person....broken, lost and turned my back on evetything i believed in....

 

Ask her for coffee in a months time since your last NC....i think giving her too much time, a guy who would just want to use her can take her away....but find out how long shes been out of a relationship, if shes working on herself etc when you start hanging out again....you need this information to find out if shes had time to sort herself out or if shes willing to let u help her out if you both decide to enter into a relationship......dont ask for a date, just hangout and treat it as a date...dont talk about the relationship just find out things about her, like whats been happening etc.

 

But first and foremost, make sure you have yourself in check....Know what you want, know how much your willing to go for this gurl and dont ever go past what youve set yourself...dont start going back on your beliefs....

 

finally....take things very very very very very slow....especially sex......sex complicates things if emotions are involved, especially if a girl is lost......

 

im just telling you from experience.....where i went wrong and what to expect....dont expect smooth sailing in the relationship, take things very very slow.

 

good luck

[Strawbridge]

....but find out how long shes been out of a relationship, if shes working on herself etc when you start hanging out again....you need this information to find out if shes had time to sort herself out

good luck

 

If you don't include our relationship, because we weren't officially together, then her and her ex broke up in February last year (2008). So she hasn't been in a committed relationship for over a year and a half. I met her last November so she had been single for 10 months. She hadn't slept with anyone else apart from her ex and me since Feb 08. I think she's got a few insecurities in the sexual department as well. But these types of things don't bother me because she's such a wonderful person. I'm scared that she's going to want to experiment "sexually" as she hasn't been that active before and get hurt in the process, but I guess that's her choice (but it makes me sick thinking about some guy just using her).

 

I honestly thought that I was good for her and the connection between us before I went overseas for 6 months was definitely stronger than after I came home. As I said above she did go through depression while I was away and the ex is still in the picture (she tells me she doesn't want to get back with him but they are very good friends and always will be).

 

I guess another reason why i'm hurting is because when I was overseas I had to be prepared that she might have found someone by the time I got back. Then when I got back to find she was still single I got my hopes up all over again. So it's like i'm having to get over her twice. It was just easier earlier on this year because I was in a different country and so couldn't do anything about it and had other things to distract me.

[Strawbridge]

Allgood, you seem to be good for advice here as it seems you have been in a similar situation.

 

All today i've been thinking of sending her an email. I realise now that she wasn't playing games on purpose and that she just has some issues and is just confused. The day after she broke it off I told her that I didn't want to be a backup for other guys for her. Someone that she could just keep stringing along and fall back on. But I realise now she wasn't doing this, she just had feelings towards her ex still and is scared of committing to someone else, based on her past issues.

 

When she asked me to just be friends the night of the breakup and I said "no" she had a worried and shocked look on her face that I actually said that. I don't think she was expecting me to give her an all or nothing situation. Then said "does it have to be so black and white". I feel bad about this now given her past, maybe she just needed a friend like me or something, but then again I didn't know that I would fall for her this much so seeing her flirting with other guys would probably kill me.

 

I feel like sending her an email saying that I'm sorry for saying these things and that I know she wasn't playing games and that when she told me that she didn't want an exclusive relationship just 2 weeks before she broke it off its my fault/decision for continuing to see her.

 

Then I would ask her not to reply to the email just forgive me and think about what I have said.

 

Would there be any benefit sending something like what I have said above. I just feel like I may have burned bridges by giving her a black and white answer (all or nothing) when she broke it off. Obviously it wasn't her intention to string me along, she's just confused and didn't know how to handle her feelings towards me.

[Strawbridge]

Today I am thinking about sending an email again.....but I'm not gonna do it because I've come on here instead.

 

Now I've just re-read my original post and realised I probably haven't explained the situation too well.

 

I'll start from before I left overseas for 6 months. I had known her for 2.5 months before this. I felt like she was into me, NO scratch that, I KNEW she was into me but didn't want to commit because I was about to go overseas. I just found some old emails when I first got to Europe from her saying how much she misses me etc, and can't wait til I get back kiss kiss blah blah. These emails got less emotional as time went by.

 

Anyway on my return back home we became more physical. More kissing than before I left, more foreplay type stuff, and we had sex (we definitely didn't do that before I left). Yet we weren't as emotionally connected. I don't understand this as she quite clearly stated at the start that she only ever sleeps with guys she really likes. So she tells me that she doesn't want an exclusive relationship, so we're in this between friends and exclusively dating stage. I didn't mind this because I though that she might change her mind after doing this with me for a month or 2.

 

She would act very girlfriendy around me (not just like a f-buddy). Anyway after a month of doing this is when she tells me that she can't do this any more blah blah.

 

I guess I want to send an email because I don't like the way I acted when she left me. I played it really cool and told her that i can't go back to just being friends with her. Its all or nothing. I then said that I wouldn't contact her and that if she tried contacting me I probably wouldn't answer. She had this worried look on her face and asked me if it had to be so black and white.

 

Now back to the email I wanna send. I want to apologise to her for playing it so cool. Deep down I was actually hurting, because I really wanted our relationship to go further. I want to apologise for saying no to friendship and that I didn't do this to hurt her just that my feelings for her are stronger than that and I won't be able to handle just friends.

 

I guess the main gist of the email is apologising for wanted something more from her when she clearly told me that she didn't want that. I'm not going to beg for her back or anything like that in the email, just apologise and then suggest that if she wants to call me to talk about it then she can.

 

My other option I guess is to what Allgood and a few others have said here and that's give it a month or 2 of NC and then just catch up for a coffee and start out slow with no relationship talk, almost like starting from the beginning again.

[susie198]

As a girl, reading between the lines here, I think this girl is still hung up on her ex.

 

She told you that she slept with him while you were away. I suspect that she has unresolved issues with him and is still hoping to rekindle something with him, hence she's emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship with you.

 

It may be that the ex is giving her mixed signals. When he is distant with her, she pushes off and tries to restrart her life by going out with other guys, but at the back of her mind, she's still hoping her ex will change his mind. When the ex is giving her the come on signals, she backs off and says she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She sounds very confused and I think this is what is behind it. I suspect the break up with the ex may have been behind the depression too.

 

In any case, what she is telling you is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Her physical intimacy should not be taken as meaning anything, other than a reflection of her confused state of mind.

 

The only thing you can do here is to realise that she is very young and confused and back off and give her time to sort her head out. She will probably try and make sporadic contact with you when she's feeling down about the ex, or confused, but I'd stay away for now as you're only going to get more confused.

 

She's not ready. Whether it is because of the ex, or whether it is because of her age, she is just not ready. Don't be a noth and keep going to the flame. Protect yourself. Cut off contact, I'd say for at least three months. Go and build you life, see other people, get out there and see where she is after a few months.

 

I wouldn't send any emails. She needs time and space to sort her head out. You continuing to show affection and availability will only delay that. Try to stop dwelling on the great times you had before you went away. That is over and when you came back, things had changed. Live in the now, not the past.

 

Susie

[Strawbridge]

She's not ready. Whether it is because of the ex, or whether it is because of her age, she is just not ready. Don't be a noth and keep going to the flame. Protect yourself. Cut off contact, I'd say for at least three months. Go and build you life, see other people, get out there and see where she is after a few months.

 

Susie

 

Thanks susie198, That seems to be the general consensus around here. I guess you can't make someone love you. Yes I have been dwelling on the good times, thats just my character. She openly told me she doesn't want to get back with her ex tho, but then again if she's confused then she doesn't really know what she wants.

 

And if she knew all this why did she get involved with me in the first place. Except her ex she hasn't been involved with anyone else in 1.5 years.

 

I've been pretty bad with the NC. The past 2 weekends, I've texted her and she has replied. I also just found out that the bar job i'm starting next month is in a place that she has after work drinks on fridays, yay for me (sarcasm).

 

Its just annoying and hurtful that I finally meet a girl I could spend the rest of my life with and she's not ready or its just bad timing.

[allgood]

let go and let her sort herself out...i think susie is right, she needs to sort herself out and yeah you need to stop torturing yourself and heal....i guess thats life man....my ex left me for another guy after going through her lost and confused phase with me etc....but thats life...it sucks but thats life....always look for a brighter day

[Strawbridge]

Arrrrgggghhhhhhhh I'm having one of those days when I just want to call, email, text. I looked at her facebook page again....big mistake. There was really no point to me de-friending her as her profile is public of course so I can see what she's up to anyway and this makes me feel like I have burnt a little more of the bridge.

 

The thing I'm finding the hardest is not knowing whether telling her that I wanted NC was the right thing. She didn't do anything wrong, there was no arguments, we weren't officially going out yet so we were in that exciting honeymoon/courting stage...although be it for almost a year now. She couldn't commit to me for personal reasons obviously and she asks me if we could just be friends. I say no to her and then begin NC thinking that i have to be a man here and stand up for myself and not show any weakness etc.

 

But now I think about her all the time and think that I may have hurt her by doing this and if she is confused and had been through depression then maybe I could have just been there for her as a friend. Who knows what might happen in the future because at least she will still be around me and things could always start up again. Its just hard to comprehend why I told her NC to start with....it felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. The situation at the moment tho is she's not around me and so there is no possibility of a relationship starting up, in fact there's a big chance of her starting a relationship with her ex because he IS her friend. And before people start saying if she wants me then she knows where to find me, we were never officially a couple and so I doubt that she has that longing/urge to contact me anymore. Especially since when she's feeling lonely she can just visit her ex.

 

I want to send her an email today just asking if we could be friends again, but this totally contradicts ALL the advice given here (every single person, including by best friend has said that I should give it at least a month from my last NC). But I don't know if I'm thinking clearly or if I'm just affected by my emotions at the moment. I mean what happens if I email her and then she turns me down, and if i'd just waited a few more weeks it would have worked out. But then i think what happens if I wait a few more weeks and then I lose her for good. There's no set answer and this drives me crazy.

 

Then I also have thoughts like would it be better to call her to arrange to catch up or email her. All this thinking is driving me crazy and I can't live like this anymore. I almost feel like harassing her to the point where she tells me to get lost just so I have a definite answer and can move on, but then I know I'll regret this in a few months time when I think "if i just held on till now I could have started out fresh with her".

 

I've never met anyone like her before, she's so wonderful and just hate that timing had everything to do with us not being together, because I know 100% that if I hadn't gone overseas to study then I would be with her now. We were at that stage where a few more weeks to a month and we would have been official. But then I think how could have I canceled my trip for someone that I had only known for 6 weeks and if i did that might have scared her off anyway.

 

Sorry this has just really been a VENT more than anything so that I don't click send on this email:

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks (month) and I have come to the conclusion that I may have been a bit hasty when I said we couldn't be friends. You are such a remarkable, beautiful person and I still have very strong feelings for you, and I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.

 

So if you want to catch up sometime for a coffee or Chai latte or a glass of water then that would be great. But if you don't, then I understand and I want you to know that all I want is for you to be happy and if that means not seeing me again then that is ok with me if that's what makes you happy.

 

I know emails and sms's aren't the best for expressing these types of feelings, but I think in this instance it allowed me to say exactly what I wanted to say in the exact words I wanted to say it in while I still had it fresh in my head.

 

Always,

[iamnot]

I have a pretty similar situation to you my friend.

 

My advice is this:

 

If you offer to be friends you will only hurt yourself. (Been there, done it, might as well have kicked myself in the nuts)

 

You have to stop being that crutch to her. (Been the crutch, been used, didn't actually help the person in anyway until I told her to forget it and she had to wake up and do something for herself)

 

If she wants you then she will compromise and make the effort to get you back. (and I know you said that you don't want to hear that but it's true, and my ex did - it messed up again, but she did come back)

 

Wait. Hold out. And in the mean time go out and do as much as you possibly can to look after yourself.

 

We all know that this is much easier said than done, but hold out mate!

 

She has to decide what she's doing. If she needs a friend then she can use someone that doesn't love her like you do. And if she makes some bum choices then she'll learn from them (hopefully). You have to let her work it out for herself.

 

Well, thats what I think anyway mate. Good luck. I do hope you don't email her. Not yet, and not what you've written above anyway.

[iamnot]

So how'd yesterday go mate? Did you email her?

[Strawbridge]

Thanks Iamnot, and to everyone that has replied. We are all probably totally different people united by similar problems and enjoying helping each other out.

 

Nope it took all of my willpower, but I didn't do it.

 

I don't know whats wrong with me. Its because the situation is still open I think. Maybe i'm giving myself false hope or something. The thing is now when I think back to that night I don't even know if she was asking me to "break up".

 

Our situation was half way between f-buddies and a relationship although now I'm thinking maybe I had more feelings 4 her than she did for me. Her exact words that night were "I can't do this anymore". She said the previous night she kissed her ex and she can't kiss him one night and then me the next (probably because she knows she's not that sort of girl). To be honest I didn't mind that the ex was still in the picture...I started this relationship with her knowing this information, but honestly thought that I could win her over.

 

To give a little bit of a back story, she cheated on him with a ONS almost 2 years ago now and caught and STD then transmitted it to her ex. This was the reason behind the breakup. She didn't meet or sleep with anyone between him and meeting me which was 8 months later. She has been thru depression, I'm guessing because of what happened with the ex, but still has strong feelings for him because he was her first (boyfriend and sex). So she has only slept with 3 people in her life, the boyfriend, the ONS and me. She was very insecure in bed. All these things didn't matter to me tho as she was so perfect in other areas.

 

The reason I am feeling this pain is because I know that she didn't want to keep seeing me because she didn't want to hurt me anymore. She said that she wants the "freedom to be able to hook up with guys" when she goes out with her friends and that's why she can't commit to me. Yet she didn't sleep with me until after 4 months and I had to get an STD test before she did...so how is she going to "hook up" with other guys if she required this from me, who she has known for almost a year.

 

She also said that if she was to commit to me she is scared that she might cheat again because she has done it before.

 

So its almost like she is protecting me by ending it. That is why I feel bad about cutting her off and saying no to being friends. But the night she ended it, it felt like the right thing to go NC. Now i'm not so sure....that is why i'm in pain....because I'm conflicted and feel bad. I said I wouldn't contact her and when she said "what if I was to contact you" i said "i will probably ignore the call". The look on her face is etched in my memory. She seemed shocked that I could cut her off like that. That is when she said "does it have to be so black and white? ".

 

I am so scared that I have cut a wonderful girl out of my life. I have never felt these feelings towards anyone before. All because I made a decision to be strong on the night (thinking at the time it was the right thing to do).

 

I have broken NC a few times since then with a few texts. She has replied to all of them. However she has not initiated any contact and this hurts because I thought she would have by now. Its been almost 2 weeks since my last NC and a month since the night she broke it off.

 

Things I am missing about her: Her smell, her eyes, her soft skin, her big smile, her neck when I kissed it, and her laugh. And especially her down to earth attitude...e.g. turning up to my house straight from the airport after being to an outdoor music festival, she had no makeup on, was wearing track pants and hadn't showered in 3 days....this is what I loved about her (none of my other exes would have ever done that)....and this was only 2 weeks before she ended it.

[iamnot]

Mate, it sounds SO much like my ex it's untrue.

 

I met a friend of mine in the pub and this is how he put it to me. "You love her, and she is amazing when things are good, but from the sounds of it it's only good 20% of the time. Until she can sort herself out, you're never going to get more than 20%, and that 80% thats bad is killing you."

 

And it's true, it was. I only cut this person out 4 days ago, but I feel SO happy today, becuase I haven't had to worry about where she is, who she's with, what she's doing, and how I'm going to feel about it.

 

It's HORRIBLE because I care so frigging much about her and don't want her to not be part of my life, but until she can be the part that I want her to be, then it's NO good for me, and there come's a point when I had to be selfish and say that I'm gonna look after myself rather than this person. The only person that can sort her out is her.

 

Ugh, thats awful to say, because I rarely turn my back on anyone, but I'm starting to think that it's really true. If she can keep f'ing her life up and doing what she wants and knowing that I'll always be there for her, it's actually no good for her as well as being no good for me. It's horrible saying it, but I think that it's for the best.

 

I think...

 

Put it this way, everyone that I know has told me to leave her be for now. Everyone.

 

I still hold out hope. But I won't back down this time.

[Strawbridge]

yeah but when i see this girl it looks like she has no problems at all.

 

Sh*t she even has more friends and a better social life than me....so i don't think her life is f&cked up...so what has she got to work on?

[iamnot]

Ok.

 

How often would you see her? How often does she go out socialising? How often does she see her ex?

 

 

 

This is the way I see it at the moment:

 

She hasn't got a clue what she wants but she isn't happy.

 

She's kept her ex around because it's comforting. They know each other really well, and it's real easy with him because she can pick him up and leave him when she wants. First loves are the hardest to get over.

 

She really likes you, but feels massively guilty about not wanting to commit and the fact that she kissed her ex.

 

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone that isn't totally commited to me. If she could tell me that she was just friends with an ex and I got to know him, then fair do's, but the fact that she kissed him wouldn't wash with me. If she wants me, then he is TOTALLY out of the picture from now on. As for wanting to kiss others when she's out? Thats never ever gonna cool.

 

A relationship is about compromise, and if she won't compromise in any way for you then you are just going to get hurt. Do you wanna be there the day after she's been out to find out that she's "hooked up" with some random guy?

 

If you don't mind it, then call her, and go see her when you want to, or when she wants you too.

 

If you want a relationship with her, then the way she's put things to you at the moment means you aren't going to get one. The ex has to go, she has to not want to hook up with random guys when she goes out, and she whas to want to be with you.

 

I really feel for you mate.

[Strawbridge]

What are the chances of her visiting this site? I don't know about you guys but what would happen if they were to see all these things that we had been writing about them?

 

iamnot, We were seeing each other once a week but sometimes it would stretch out to like 10 days.

 

I would normally do most of the texting. She would always reply but sometimes not for a few hours.

 

I tried ignoring one of her texts once when she initiated it and she sent a 2nd text saying

"you're either a) pissed off b) playing hard to get or c) just over me"

 

She always made it clear that we weren't a couple, in fact I think she pointed it out way too much to the point where it wasn't natural. Like would point it out every time we saw each other. Then would say things like "see that guy over there, I could go and kiss him if i wanted".

 

After we had sex the first time she had a worried look on her face and I asked whats wrong and she said "i'm scared that you might think this means something".

 

Just when I thought that I couldn't handle it any more and was thinking that she's not into me and was about cut her off she would surprise me by dropping around to my house or something. Then we would go out and she would initiate contact....hold my hand, kiss me, ask my opinion on buying clothes etc.

 

I'm not sure how often she saw her ex but she explained that they were good friends and that if he was in trouble she would drop anything to be with him. I reckon she feels guilty for cheating on him but she did tell me that she doesn't want to get back with him. Probably because he would always have that over her.

 

She also said that she doesn't mind "hooking up" with random guys and kissing her ex or me because she doesn't have to see those guys again, but didn't like to hook up with her ex and then me because she would have to see us again.

 

I know I probably wasn't going to get a relationship yet with her...that is why i agreed to be f-buddies with her, although she had a hard time asking that. I think she saw her friend with a f-buddy and thought she could do the same but after few weeks and a couple of nights together she obviously realised that she wasn't that kind of person. The truth is i was prepared to wait and was trying hard not to get emotionally attached yet but obviously i couldn't do it.

 

I am the kind of person that always dwells on things. I regret not remaining friends when she broke it off, but honestly I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. But now i am starting to feel like she broke it off to protect me and i go and reward her by telling her that I won't contact her again....that would have cut her deep and i feel horrible. But she hasn't tried contacting me since so maybe she doesn't really care.

 

What do you think?

 

I honestly don't know whether to leave it or try and get back into her life as a friend?

 

And if i do want to get back into her life as a friend I have no idea how to go about it.

 

I'm scared that whatever connection she felt with me has been lost over the past month and that I have completely screwed things up with one of the most amazing girls I have evet met. I could quite happily go out with this girl for the rest of my life.

[waveseer]

Does she know this? If not, why not? I don't see where you have anything to lose by making sure she knows it. After you tell her though, leave the ball squarely in her court.