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Why do our exes miss us......

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......and say they're having a hard time with the breakup and think about us all the time and yet they DON'T come back to us?!?


My ex has done all of this and much, much more following our breakup in summer '08 (including telling me I'm "amazing", loving, caring and that she misses me so much) and yet she never came back to me. I'm sure there's an easy explanation but I'm stumped as to what it is!!


I understand totally if they left because of cheating, abuse etc and that, despite loving you, their life is much, much safer and healthier without you in it, but to leave after ten years together for no really good reason (she said the "spark" had gone) and then feel all of the above feelings but NOT come back just makes no sense to me.


When I've left someone and felt all those things, I've looked at myself and realised "Hey, Johnny.....you're still totally in love with this woman". What am I missing here with regards to my exes thought process?

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I wish I had an answer for you bud, I really do. I'm in the same boat. She's told me that she misses me, that she feels she's going too fast with her new boyfriend, that she loves me.


And yet she dumped me, and she has made no attempts at reconciliation. She has never given me a good reason why she wanted to break up. It was a good relationship, I saw no problems with it. Actually, at this point, she believes that I wanted to breakup with her as much as she wanted to break up with me. BS.


I think what might explain part of this is that our ex's don't really know what they want. For whatever reason, they can't make up their minds. The important thing to remember is that we are not to blame for the ending of the relationship. If our ex's couldn't give us a good reason for ending it, then it was obviously caused by a problem they had, not one that we had.


We had good, caring, and loving relationships before. And we will again. We deserve better than partners who can only muster lame excuses like "wanting to branch out" (in my case) and "the spark has gone."


Hang in there.

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Maybe Im wrong, but it sounds like she is using you for a cushion. Someone to fall back on if her current situation goes bad. She knows you and knows you love her and Im sure she loves you too, but...sounds like she's wanting to be free to find her "spark" but also have you waiting to catch her if she falls.

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I guess they got bored? Or they fell out of love with us? Sometimes they can't say exactly why because they don't know themselves. There are people that I think are great people but I don't want to be in a relationship with them.


My ex says all kind of nice things about me but he doesn't want to argue with me anymore. I guess the bickering outweighed everything else. It's too bad though because I think we could have been happy.

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It sure is a head-scratcher!!! In my case I know I'm not being used as a backup plan because I've been 100% NC the whole time and made it clear to her that I loved her very much and loved our time together but that I have no interest in being her friend and that I am seeing someone else now....however she still apparently (from what Ive heard from her family) still really misses me, so she knows that I'm not waiting here as a backup plan.

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I guess it's just how much good there is versus how much bad there is. In my relationship I would have said the same as Jonas - 90% great, 10% needs work. But my ex probably saw it like 45% great, 55% needs work. The scale has to tip into the "I'm not having enough fun anymore" zone before they break it off. I think. Now why the ex says all those nice things about me (I'm attractive, easy to talk to, sexy, blah, blah, blah) but somehow all those only add up to 45%, I have no idea.

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Speaking for myself, when my relationship hurt more than I could stand I ended it. None of my feelings changed, only my ability to deny the reality that he didn't really care about me diminished.


That's really interesting to hear. So, how did you deal with the breakup and moving on if you still had the love for him? I'm assuming you ended it with him and not vice versa?

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Well in my personal opinion, I think it comes down to a misunderstanding of love and relationships. Some people think that a spark they get when they first date someone should last for all time. They have unrealistic expectations of love and relationships. I think both people in a relationship have to gain that understanding that love is dynamic and will not always appear as a "spark". I think it's a level of maturity that allows people to see that.


In my case, I feel as though I could have pulled the spark back out had I made the effort. I knew it was gone in both of us and I didn't make the effort to reignite it. Then I think it was a matter of time for the breakup. I think the key in a relationship is to recognize that is gone and then more importantly, do something about it... even if it hurts your pride.

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Speaking for myself, when my relationship hurt more than I could stand I ended it. None of my feelings changed, only my ability to deny the reality that he didn't really care about me diminished.


I like this, its exactly how I feel....and I have just reached that point. So sad, and despite all his bad treatment of me, and his faults, I still love him. It doesnt upset me that I still love him, it just shows me that my capacity for love has not been diminished by his actions. And in time, someone else will come along who will deserve my love more....

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It's interesting that a lot of us have heard the came story from our various exes. I especially like what Longdist said....




I agree totally. In the ten years I was with my ex, I went through phases of having the spark and completely not being attracted to her at all, but I always knew that I loved her and that the spark would come back (it's not like she'd physically let herself go.....I hadn't either). However, once she lost the spark she decided that, since the attraction had waned for a month or so but she still loved me, that she now saw me as a friend and nothing more so she split! That was more than a year ago and she never came back. I really never understood how someone could leave after so long together for such a lame reason, and then continue missing us with all their heart and yet never come back?!?

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longdist is on the dot.


that's what happened with my ex. The spark, most people are chasing for the spark.


but is it bad if someone just want to have the spark longer than the others? they heard about stories where people can love each other long with passion and romance, if they had with us, the spark only last for a few months, they thought "huh, guess i dont love her."


can we even fault them? are we settling for less and they know what they want?

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Guess it depends on what you mean by spark. Every relationship is exciting at the beginning, but that excitement doesn't last. It's about mystery, novelty, projecting all kinds of fantasies onto your SO. Relationships are supposed to deepen into something a lot more intimate than that. However, you always need to have chemistry and attraction. If that goes, you've got nothing. No one should live like that. Thing is, if you have chemistry with someone you just do---I don't think it ever stops. At least, I've never experienced losing that kind of spark. Soooo, I think when people talk about losing the spark, they mean that initial rush. But chasing that is like chasing a thunderstorm. You'll keep finding it, but it'll never last.

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I really think that keeping the spark is a two-person job and requires work....in some cases a relationship will be so good that the passion stays without much work, but in other cases (especially after a couple has been through a rough patch) then it'll take some work on both sides to get the spark back.


I think that when people leave due to the spark going (unless it has gone due to neglect, or their partner letting themselves go and not helping to promote attraction) it is just a sign of immaturity and an unrealistic belief that passion just thrives on its own and that when the passion takes a vacation, it is time to call it quits and go and find it all over again with the next "perfect" partner that will always stay hot over the years (yeah right).


In my case, my ex said "You're not perfect, but you're as close to perfect as any man I've ever known and I know you'd be an amazing husband and father....I just don't feel that spark anymore though and I want to find it again". I responded with "So, are you saying that you think you'll find someone with all my positive traits but that also keeps exactly the same honeymoon passion in you after ten years together" and she said "Well, that's what I want, so I'm going to try my best to find it".


Since she never came back to me, I guess she must've found it! Lucky lady huh?

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my parents have been married for 28 years...their a couple that goes out on dates and always out spending time with each other....other couples just come along to their get aways cause they always go and travel different places together....


i want what my parents have.....my point is i asked my mum how hard marriage was.....she said "the first 5 years was hard......no wait the first 10 years was hard" this coming from a lady in a marriage that my friends say is like 1 in a million....


my point is relationships are hard, their not always roses but when you have that person meant for you they will stick by you through thick or thin and when you can enjoy life, you enjoy life together....


i think your ex is gonna fail in finding that endless honeymoon phase...cause no one in this world has a honeymoon phase of 10 years just look around you...i fear thats why theres so much divorces cause people are always looking for the honeymoon phases they had in the beginning, they wanna always be falling in love instead growing more in love with each other through trials, tribulations and celebrations of getting through it together.


you'll get over her man...in time

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This doesn't make sense, does it?! I'm trying to come up with several possible reasons:


1.She's selfish and she wants to keep you as a back burner and comfort blanket.

2.She doesn't know what she wants for life and she hasn't experienced enough to realize that relationship is not all about fairy tales. If you are her first love this is very possible.

3. Oftentimes people don't realize how great a person they have lost until they experience a full spectrum of hurts and relationship failures.One year is too short for them to realize it. Once they do the other person has far gone; or if they're lucky enough they can get the other person to respond. My ex dumped me for his long gone ex because she realized how great he is, after five years. It's extremely hurting for me but I can't do nothing but moving on. However, a second time doesn't necessarily mean success.

4. She is ashamed to ask you back because of what she said. Especially if her relationship fails with the new guy her pride might prevent her from coming back.

5. Her not coming back yet saying all these good things doesn't mean she has found the lasting spark with the new guy. Honeymoon stage can last for a few years.

6. She hesitates to come back because you're seeing somebody.


As far as what you can do, is to ignore her compeletely. If she ever tells you how much she misses you etc. put your card on the table and find out why she says it. If she clearly tells you she doesn't want to be back cut her off from your life and your THOUGHT for your own good.

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Thanks Allgood....sounds like your parents have got it figured out. Seems very rare to find people that are so smart about relationships.


Thanks too Thornbird. I wish I knew which of your list was the right one but I guess I'll know one day or will have moved on and not care. Really sorry to hear that your ex left you for his ex Like you said though, if it failed with them the first time, it may well do the same again and he may end up back at your door feeling pretty sheepish

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