Am I completely wrong?

[mltm22]

hope this is the right area... and sorry it's soooo long.

 

I have been dating my bf for 1 1/2yrs and we've known eachother for 7. He has problems with depression that have been far worse since we moved in together 4 1/2 months ago. His depression has been aggrivated by stress from moving, being dissatisfied with the place for a while, and work. He's been trying antidepressants but hasn't found one that works yet and is currently off of them for about the last 3 weeks. He has been finding that whole process really frustrating and I'm hoping he hasn't given up becuase I really think that he needs it.

 

I feel that I should insert some sexual history here as well. He and I have always been very sexually compatible. We share many of the same fantasies and have similar sexual appetites. This has also been an area of problems recently, as he doesn't want to have sex nearly as often, and want's to talk about it even less. Before we moved he and I would sometimes talk to other couples and people about sex online. We never met with any of these people, but it was a fun thing that we enjoyed as fodder for sexual fantasies together and when masturbating alone. I have also learned that he's done this on his own as well (in context of us as a couple). He also said that he did not mind me talking to people on my own if I wanted to. It wasn't something that he looked at as anything but fantasy.

 

The last couple weeks have been very difficult for him at work. His project is coming to a close and he is very rushed to get things done so he has been working long hours. He also hates his boss (actually, with really good reason) and says that if the economy were better he'd definitely be working somewhere else. Because of this stress with his job, he has been in a very bad mood coming home from work and really just sits on his computer. When he is in bad moods like this, I seem to realllllly annoy him. If I ask what's wrong, he says "work sucks," and if I ask what happened, he doesn't want to talk. Anything I say is wrong. Anything I do is wrong. He flips out about the smallest things.

So, I have realized that a good way to handle him being upset with work is to let him have his alone time to cool down and relax. This time though, that has been going on for 2 weeks. Two weeks of not really having a conversation with me, while I do chores and make meals, take care of dry cleaning, trying to relieve stresses from him so he can feel better at home. I've also been trying to do my own thing and not be dependant on him or let his mood get me down, for myself, as well as to let him know that I can be a strong person in a time that is hard for him and our relationship. I've been just spending my time how I would like to spend it. Still, it has been about 2 weeks of him basically ignoring me. He has asked me if I miss him, to which I said yes, and he said that he missed himself too. I planned to talk to him about it this weekend when he wouldn't have to work.

 

Today:

 

He and I share a gmail account that we used to use for our chats with people online. He told me a couple weeks ago just before the work stuff, that there was a couple that I should respond to on there. I didn't end up doing it then and have been busy, etc. He is still distant and is ignoring me as of last night, and I hadn't talked to him today but I got to thinking that I should reply to that couple and that it would be fun to chat with them or at least one of them. I logged into the email, replied to the couple and said we could chat sometime. The guy from the couple (they had used his email) sent me a message and we started chit-chatting. nothing racy at all, just hi, how are you, etc. My bf saw that I was online in that account and asked why. I told him that I replied to the couple and that I was chit-chatting with the guy. He said "im sure you feel like you need a man to pay attention to you, because god knows im not, but i dont think our relationship needs that right now." I said that is ok and I understand him feeling that way.

he replied "im sure you hate me, and im sure that guy wanting to have sex with you makes you happier then i have made you feel lately.. but i dont think him replacing me is a good idea." I did not feel that this guy was relplacing my bf at all and told him that he wasn't, but that I wanted to talk to him about us and was going to wait till the weekend when he wasn't at work. Then he flipped out. He said that in the mean time I would just talk to some guy & what happens if I decide I want to meet him... he said that he has this feeling that if our relationship is bad that I may not be faithful. I have NEVER given him reason to think that at all. I tried to explain that I felt it was just a tool for masturbation and something he had told me was ok to do in the past. He feels like I am talking to this guys to get what he isn't giving me. When I feel like it was just something that sounded fun and I never hid it from him. Maybe it was a mistake not to consider how he would feel to know I was doing that when our relationship has been distant, maybe it was selfish so I am very sorry and I told him all of that. I feel awful becuase I have driven him farther away from me. Was a completely wrong?

[DN]

No, you weren't completely wrong. It was a poor choice of timing but he was the one to suggest you needed to respond.

 

But I think you would be wise not to think of this in terms of right and wrong but of how to fix what is going on. Tell him you understand why he is like he is but if it continues it is going to corrode the relationship. Therefore, your suggestion of talking things through at the weekend is a good one and I think you should gently insist on it with as little pressure as is needed to get him to agree - no drama, just a talk about what is going on and what needs to be done to fix it.

 

Part of that may mean him getting treatment for his depression.