Why I need to be NC

[Nidania]

This is for myself, to write out and make public the reasons I need to start NC with the latest man in my life.

 

I won't go into all the messy details, as they really don't matter anymore. It's past, and nothing can be changed. I cannot try and maintain any form of friendship with him though. It simply hurts too much. His mind is so full of his current problems with his wife and GF, and I don't factor in much at all anymore.

 

So.

 

I cannot email him anymore. I cannot spend my time circling around my computer HOPING he'll reply. I cannot analyze every single word he does send to me, as few and far between as they are. It's all making me miserable. No matter how long I wait, no matter what I say, he cannot give me what I want and need.

 

I spent the night talking with my best friend (it used to be this guy, but not anymore, not for a long time) and he told me that I simply do not deserve this in my life. I asked him "What DO I deserve?" His reply was short and sweet...

 

"If it makes you smile, you deserve it. If it makes you cry, you don't."

 

My best friend offered to be my email buddy instead of my ex. He said, "If you need to email him, email me instead and tell me everything you want to tell him. I'll reply and remind you that you're okay." Now THAT is a friend. Not this ex of mine.

 

I need to fill my life with things that make me smile and feel good about myself. My ex doesn't do that for me. It's time to let go. I hate letting go, as I somehow feel it invalidates everything we felt for one another. I need to remind myself that it's not true, that our moments were real when they were happening, but things and people do change.

 

I never thought he'd turn into this kind of person. But, it is his life, and his cross to bear. I will not offer myself to help carry it for him. He's made it clear that he doesn't need me right now, and I will not allow myself to be placed on a sideline anymore.

 

It's time for NC. It's going to hurt and suck for a while, but it will get easier.

 

I deserve someone who puts me first. I haven't found that in 14 years and 3 relationships, including one marriage. But this time, for the first time, I am choosing to matter more than anyone else.

[sidehop]

Stay strong

[Rob1000]

Thats a really nice post Nidania that so many people will be able to apply to themselves. I pictured my own situation as I read through it and it makes perfect sense. Cherish the real and true friends you have and more than anything, be a real and true friend to yourself.

[paintedblue]

Really is a great post. I know that feeling all too well of waiting by my computer or constantly checking my phone thinking I heard it go off. And when I did get something I would read every word ever so slowly to figure out what was being said and what it meant. Glad youre getting done with it! Think i am to.

[Nidania]

Well, I'm halfway through the first day of NC. So far, so good, but it does hurt. He hasn't reached out to me at all (which is what I figured) and I haven't reached out to him.

 

I can't help but wonder if he's wondered why I haven't said anything today, but he is so wrapped up in his own personal drama hell, I doubt I've even crossed his mind today.

 

It doesn't matter if he thinks about me or not though, does it? This is NOT about him. It is about ME.

 

It would be easier if we hated one another or were angry at one another, but we're not. This is still the best thing. It hurts though. I'm looking forward to the day where it's barely a memory.