Is this fair??

[tigger12]

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for three years. It wasn’t until the end of the first year that he told me that sexual activity—any sexual activity—that results in an orgasm makes him feel exhausted the next day (or two). This is beyond the normal tired—his muscles will feel extremely tired and he isn’t able to engage in athletics those days. He will also sometimes have trouble concentrating on anything for very long. Usually, this isn’t a problem on normal days, but on days he wanted to play sports (which is something he loves to do) or study quite a bit (which he had to particularly this past year and a half as he was doing a difficult course), this can be a problem.

 

After he told me, we stopped engaging in as much activity as we used to. He told me, however, that he would talk to a doctor about it. I encouraged him because it didn’t seem normal and in fact seems to be having a huge impact on his life.

 

Well, it is two years later. He still has not gone to see a doctor. But now it is starting to impact my life as well, and I am still worried about his health. We were in an LDR for a year and a half, and now that we are back together, it can be so frustrating that our sexual activity is limited. Even during the LDR, when we were on visits, he would need to study every day so would not want to engage in a lot of activity (at least that would end in an orgasm for him). Very often, when I will sexually proposition him, he will say, “I can’t—I really wanted to work out tomorrow” or “I need to be able to study tomorrow” or “I will be too tired tomorrow.” Sometimes he will do something that doesn’t involve an orgasm for him like go down on me (which I appreciate), but I miss being able to proposition him and have sex. It pretty much kills any spontaneity too since it has to be scheduled around his work schedule, work-out schedule, and sleep schedule.

 

I know I need to be understanding since this seems to be beyond his control, and especially since it impacts something he loves (his ability to play sports) and something important to him (his ability to study). In fact, he thinks it might be Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome, which he informed me of today and then told me there is no treatment.

 

I’ve had enough. I want him to go see a doctor. He is under his parent’s health insurance and he doesn’t want to tell them why. He also is too embarrassed to talk to the doctor. But now if he thinks it is this thing that can’t be cured, I feel like he will completely give up. I think he should at least have some tests to see if it is indicative of some greater health issue or even if it can be treated. Especially since he HAS been telling me—for two YEARS—that he will do this. I finally told him today that I would like him to make an appointment to see a doctor sometime by the end of the month. It felt wrong and demanding, but I’ve asked nicely for so long (plus now he is saying it makes him feel listless and sluggish and almost depressed which I find alarming!). He got upset and keeps trying to push the deadline off.

 

I suppose I should also mention that I have had issues with Bartholin’s cysts (which can be very painful for women) for many years. Soon after we became intimate, I told him about it. It has rarely caused any problems for us beyond the two times I had to have a surgical procedure and then we had to abstain from activity for about a month/two months. He has been extremely understanding about my health problem (also something I can’t control), which makes me feel guilty about not being more understanding. But I feel like I at least have made attempts to understand it to better our sex life. I’ve talked to several doctors—one of them male, which made me feel very uncomfortable—about my sex life and practices, in attempt to find out information that can better help me cope with my problem and better our sex life. That was very embarrassing for me, which makes me understand his position, but…

 

Enough is enough! Can’t he at least make an attempt to find out what is causing this and if there are any ways to deal with it other than avoiding sex? Am I not being fair? He seems to think I’ve stepped way out of bounds, which I can sort of see since it’s his body. And if I’m being too pushy, how can I try to be more understanding?

[waveseer]

I'm sure you understand what's keeping him from seeking help, why not let him know you understand? Then you can ask him to listen to how it affects you. What doesn't work is trying to force the issue.

[tigger12]

I've tried telling him that I totally understand how embarrassing it is to talk to a doctor about this kind of stuff. I also think women might be more used to it since we have to go to a gynecologist frequently and talk about our periods with a parental figure (possibly) and doctors. So I tell him a lot that I understand and that doctors are there to be professional.

 

I guess I can try talking more about how it affects me (in a gentle manner), thanks.

[tigger12]

I guess my problem is that we've had many conversations like that and nothing ever comes of it.

 

He's had this problem since way before me, so it seems like he is not at all motivated to seek help for it.

[waveseer]

If he doesn't want help then sadly there is little you can do about it. Overall is your relationship worth it to you?

[tigger12]

Yes it is, and most of the time, this isn't an issue. It just got to be really frustrating when he told me, "I think I have this" and "there isn't a cure." I guess I always thought that at some point in the distant future he'd at least try-- I don't know, some herbal or vitamin supplements or something, even if he wouldn't talk explicitly to a doctor. Now I just wonder if he's completely accepted it.

 

If, after we talk some more, he really doesn't seem like things will change, then we'll have to find a way to work it out so we can both live with it. My biggest concern is if he will do this with all health issues-- a week before I meet him, he was prescribed contacts. He found them too hard to put in and so has never worn them. His vision has progressively worsened to the point where I have to read subtitles on the tv screen to him and things like that. Yet, three years later, he's still saying he'll start wearing his contacts some day or go back to the eye doctor.

[diabolik]

It wasn’t until the end of the first year that he told me that sexual activity—any sexual activity—that results in an orgasm makes him feel exhausted the next day (or two). This is beyond the normal tired—his muscles will feel extremely tired and he isn’t able to engage in athletics those days. He will also sometimes have trouble concentrating on anything for very long.

I have a tough time believing your bf.

 

More plausible explanations, in no particular order:

1. He is bored of sex with you.

2. He has a low sex drive.

3. He is a closet homosexual (and may not be out to even himself).

[Mimori]

This could be a lot of different problems.

 

Severe fatigue, flulike state (Muscular pain, fever, sore throat, etc) can occur rapidly after ejaculation and last up to 3 to 7 days, at which point the male will start to avoid sexual activity.- This issue in particular is called POIS (Post orgasmic illness syndrome). Day 2 is the most painful of the days and will affect then man the most. I also have a note here that says it’s usually only in men 70-80 but Middle Age men are more common to a “lesser” issue.

 

In all honesty- without a test you won’t be able to see what is going on with his body. Could be a number of reasons causing this pain: (deficiencies for example)...

 

By the way, People who don’t sexual release can lead to an elevated Stress level and Depression-which explains where his recent behavior is coming from. Lack of release…

 

Have your asked your boyfriend to try taking Levitra? I wrote it down in a notebook for class awhile back. (About all of this) and I heard of a study that it would SEVERELY decrease the effects (Post Orgasmic) men felt after orgasm.

 

Hopefully this was helpful, I dug through some notes to type this out real quick lol.

 

And btw, you were fair. It's by all means natural for you to care about his health and want him to take care of himself... Try the Levitra... It may help him enough and try to have sex at least once a week (If he's starting to become Depressed etc.)

[Mimori]

I have a tough time believing your bf.

 

More plausible explanations, in no particular order:

1. He is bored of sex with you.

2. He has a low sex drive.

3. He is a closet homosexual (and may not be out to even himself).

 

Yeah, that’s also a concern. That he lost interest or is pleasing himself elsewhere… Especially since the men who suffer the illness (problem) aren’t hesitant to have it fixed so they can pursue sex…Why wouldn’t he mention it sooner then a year after you were dating? I would imagine you'd see or hear about this if it was truly a painful ordeal.

[SQguy]

Crazy.. i'm over there ragging about my 'other' that could goes 8 mos w/out ... and here is this? Strange world. Anyway, if he's (as you said) "going down" --- that would lead me to believe "your issues" are not "the issue." But, IMO, his apprehension, his "description" of the (alleged) problem (esp. if he has sex at all) sounds a miss to me. I think they're be other dragons lurking there:

 

I have a tough time believing your bf.

 

More plausible explanations, in no particular order:

1. He is bored of sex with you.

2. He has a low sex drive.

3. He is a closet homosexual (and may not be out to even himself).

 

Is it difficult or prolonged for him to climax? Does he "seem" to enjoy it? In your background, have you received any other "constructive" feedback (or otherwise)?

 

And worst case, is it possible he's having sex with someone else?

[tigger12]

To answer some questions...

 

- no, it's not difficult for him to climax and he does seem to enjoy it. He has always said he's enjoyed it and when there are certain things I'm doing that I could improve upon, he's always been willing to tell me (and the same with me telling him).

- I've only slept with him so I don't really have feedback from anybody else.

- I don't know why he waited so long to mention it. Part of it could be because we weren't really intimate until about 2 1/2 months in and we didn't have sex until about 6ish months in... My guess (which may be going too easy on him) is that part of it was that we were in a kind of "honeymoon" period where we always wanted to be doing stuff, so it was kind of easier to overlook the negative effects.

- I don't think he is having sex with someone else.

- I tend to believe him. He may be exaggerating the effects, but I think there is some basis for them. I've seen him sometimes be really slow even going up stairs and just be mopey and sit around, feeling tired when usually he is a ball of energy. Plus he told me that when he used to play sports on a team (years and years ago), he would make sure not to masturbate a few days before games/important practices so he wouldn't be tired.

 

Just wanted to put it out there-- even if for some reason he is making it up-- I believe that there are people who do suffer these problems.

 

Thanks for the help... it could be a definite contribution that he is bored with sex with me. Things have been more bland lately and during the LDR, all intimacy and attraction just seemed to go down the drain.

[tigger12]

Thanks! I will pass along this information to him.