spearntime Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 HI. It's been a while since i've been on. In my last posts, I explained some of the drama going on with my husband. He is very verbally abusive when he feels "cornered". Which to me just translates as "problem solving his past mistakes to make our marriage better". Then he doesn't know what to do and blows up at me, making it all worse. Much worse. I have been suffering daily with our sex life. I want my husband very badly. I am very sexual. But I am embarrassed. I feel embarrassed by the things he has said to me ( and keeps adding to the list). I feel trapped with him as I have two small babies and am very isolated. I have been recovering from surgery and am kind of limited in where I can go or what I can do. I have felt very put off by him for some time. Usually it's the put downs. Plus porn...well...you do the math. Then he started talking about a female coworker as if she was that and then some. But I was all these horrible things. So, I have started being tempted by other men when I go out. I love to relish in a man, and have fun sex and lots of it. Even shortly after having a baby. I love sex, I want sex, I HAVE to feel desired. I NEED to feel as though I am pleasing him in every way. I have talked the "blank" out of these issues. I have brought it up in every way i know how. I am met with very little from him. He doesn't say much or repeats "Im sorry" OVER AND OVER. Or he's quiet. I LOVE the emotional/sexual connection I used to have with my husband. He does not seem to even remotely understand my needs. I feel embarrassed to express them anymore because he underminds/ignores/makes fun of them. I guess this is because he just doesn't know what to do. This is his reaction as a way to vent his frustration and lack of confidence in our relationship. I don't want to even THINK about going outside of this union. I want him. I feel embarrassed just being attracted to him or talking to him now that so many hurtful things have been said to me. We are in counseling, and I am not sure how to bring it up with the counselor. How can I get past this? HELP!!! Link to comment
spearntime Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 I have had a ton of views and no reply. ????????????/ Link to comment
addictedblue Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Bring it up to the counselor. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Very many issues there but counseling suggests youre on the right track. If you are seeking couples therapy arrange to have a private session so that you can go over all the details that you may find uncomfortable with him there. A trained counselor will give you better advise than most people on here that's for sure. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I don't think your husband is doing much to help you out. It appears that you rely your emotional needs very heavily on him, and this is making you dependent on him for your happiness and not yourself. Since you two are already in counseling, bring it up. You can't hide your pent up frustration forever because like you've mentioned, you are beginning to seed resentment towards him. Perhaps your husband doesn't even know that he is doing any harm in what he is doing. If he is truly a good husband, he will listen and try to compromise with you. Good luck. Link to comment
miami Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Wow! I wish I had a wife with a sexual libido like yours. How awesome! And what a fool he is to not recognize how lucky he is. Oh well...I suppose you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I strongly advise against having the affair. Right now you are in a vulnerable state, feeling rejected and craving validation more than affection. Your husband comparing you to another woman, constantly putting you down, and spending hours downloading porn have all taken their toll on your self-esteem. When you "feel desired" by a man sexually, it shifts power and control back to you which is at the core of what you are looking to regain. There is much to be said for retaining the "moral authority" in a relationship, especially in one that is on the rocks like yours. Even if you are never caught should you have an affair, YOU will always know what you did and that weight bears heavily on one's soul. Stick to the sex toys for now to satisfy your urges while you work things through with the counselor. As for spreading your legs for a man that treats you poorly and demonstrates little respect for you- that too will chip away at your self-esteem. If he treats you poorly, is verbally abusive, and disrespects you constantly, he should not be getting any. If you do put out under those circumstances, you are justifying his reason for not respecting you since you are demonstrating you don't respect yourself. It doesn't matter you have 2 kids with him- NO MAN respects a woman that does not RESPECT HERSELF! You need to work on yourself and get your priorities straight. Although you do have a problem in that your husband treats you badly, the bigger problem I see is that you let him. This is a terrible example to set for your babies, and if they are little girls, they will repeat the examples set forth by mommy later in life when they grow up. Think very carefully about the example you are setting, it's no longer about you and your feelings, but rather the life script your children will likely emulate when they are in the same situation down the road. If you have boys- do you want them to behave this way with their wives and be like daddy? You have to be strong for them MORE than for just yourself. Link to comment
spearntime Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Not sure if I made it clear enough that I wouldn't seriously do it, I was venting my frustrations. I have thought about wanting that attention from other men that I can't seem to FORCE out of my husband. I can't see myself even ever touching another man. I just want my thoughts on my marriage only. This originates from his straying his sexual attention to other women, and in turn this causes my wanting attention sexually from other men since that would be a less painful way of feeling desired. With him it seems to be a lose lose. I just can't seem to get the man to respond to ANYTHING I do. Am I just losing him? Did I ever really HAVE him in the first place? Link to comment
SamiJayne Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 oh hun. Your husband is emotionally and verbily abusing you. It's no wonder your feeling like this. Do you have separate counceling sessions? you should mention that your having these thoughts about other men. He should be lucky to have a woman that wants sex! I always hear rumours that when you marry sex is what dies first! He should be grateful he has a wife that fancies him, and wants him as much as you do! he really needs a kick up the butt! How long have you been going counceling? Since it started do you think it's improving the relationship at all? or is it making it worse? I read an article about couples/marriages, where they were to make time each night for sex. For 30 days, You couldn't make an excuse, you always had to make time. It got really good reviews, and several people said it improved the relationship. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Sometimes a outside person pointing out what is wrong will get a man's attention. Have you sought out a therapist? I think it is time for outside help for you first and for sure him to realize what his words are doing to you. Lost Link to comment
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