Top 3 Reasons for the "D" Word -- Indifference, Money, Sex

[SQguy]

So, Im talking about the Sex part. We constantly fight about it, I'm high, she's low. She complains that she's tired of being nagged about it. She treats it as a "chore", says she "does what she needs to do" for me (not really tho). makes me feel like I'm an addict or something (at 3/4 times a wk).

 

So who else has found themselves divorced because of sexual incompatibility. What percentage of Divorces call out "sex" as the primary reason?

[DropToZero]

So, Im talking about the Sex part. We constantly fight about it, I'm high, she's low. She complains that she's tired of being nagged about it. She treats it as a "chore", says she "does what she needs to do" for me (not really tho). makes me feel like I'm an addict or something (at 3/4 times a wk).

 

So who else has found themselves divorced because of sexual incompatibility. What percentage of Divorces call out "sex" as the primary reason?

 

 

Welcome to eNotalone

 

marriage is about unselfishness... If you're a "chore" then she's thinking of herself first.

 

Most marriages end because of money issues/fights, then I think sex/infidelity is the next highest.

 

She sounds quite selfish... and you're not going to make her realize it by "nagging"(your word) her about it.

 

 

Your best approach... sit down and talk about it... even in a relationship... compromise should not be the best option, but if it's all you get then it's better than nothing. Find out why she thinks it's so much of a chore... she doesn't seem to enjoy it much any longer? What happened? How to fix it? I think it goes deeper than "you're just a chore." Find out, come back... communication is key to fixing this problem.

[spearntime]

What about hormones? Do you have children? THere is a huge thing right now with women, hormones, and age plus having babies. THe testosterone levels dip to the point that women literally can hardly even respond sexually. She coylod be wondering what is wrong herself. I just had a baby a few months back and I can tell my own hormones are really not normal. I do it anyway, but am going to get my hormones checked by a SPECIALIST...not a regular Dr. It's testosterone that dips and causes this. Very common...and is finally gettin gthe attention it deserves

[Speranza]

I'm guessing the answer to your question is 'lots' - but I also imagine that when sex isn't right (where it previously was) then that is a symptom of other things wrong in the relationship.

 

Women lose their sex drive for all sorts of reasons, ranging from hormone levels to interest in someone else. But one of the biggest causes is festering resentment. Do you communicate well generally? Could she see herself (rightly or wrongly) as the one who 'always has to...[X.Y.Z]?' and be feeling resentful? For example, do you work hours which mean you aren't there to put children to bed? Are you newly married and you have begun to take her for granted and not get in touch with things she needs to know, like change of arrival time at night? Are there any problems with in-laws?

 

It's highly unlikely this is just about sex IMHO. Sex suffers when other things are wrong. Unless you sit down and talk, you won't know. If your reaction is that this would be difficult, I've probably hit the nail on the head. You quote 'Indifference, Money, Sex.' This could be indifference feeding into your sex life.

 

Of course, by now YOU are feeling angry/frustrated/confused. So that is feeding in to what she senses from you and you probably have a nice little vicious circle set up, with expectations plummeting on both sides.

 

Perhaps the place you should begin is: Has there always been this difference between you, and has it shown up because the novelty has worn off, or has she changed her need for sex?

 

Do you have children? How long have you been together? Roughly what ages are you both?

[Circe]

 

She sounds quite selfish... and you're not going to make her realize it by "nagging"(your word) her about it.

.

 

Why is she "selfish"? Because her sex drive is lower than his? How does that make her selfish?

 

She doesn't sound selfish - she sounds resentful at feeling pressured into having sex more often than she wants to.

[SQguy]

Wow! Thanks for all the well thought out responses. Very helpful. Yes, kids - Two - elementary school. DroptoZero - I'd have to mostly agree with your comments - she uses it as a "tool".. selfishly. And believe me, its not bad at all when its there. and if its resentfulness for other things or hormones, that maybe part too, it can't be ruled out... Her behavior and hormones are 'out of control' at certain times for sure! But understand, i'm not quite happy doing things for her, or things that she especially wants when needs are not getting met. So, as was mentioned -- A vicious circle. Believe me, I compromise in MANY AREAS provided my higher priorities are being met. But when they are not, it will get ugly - everything starts to become hyper-sensitized.

 

But overall her is my impression - maybe not majority or even most, but plenty of women do use this as a tool, and I suspect sometimes that backfires. And it may not be right or fair but Men are sexual animals --- and the "job" must get done, period. Weather you do it or someone else does...it WILL get done. My belief is many Marriages that end in divorce from Infidelity, may be just a case of incomparable sex drives - leading to the infidelity.

[SQguy]

Thanks again for all your help and thoughts!

[mr.mac]

Why is she "selfish"? Because her sex drive is lower than his? How does that make her selfish?

 

She doesn't sound selfish - she sounds resentful at feeling pressured into having sex more often than she wants to.

 

I don't think selfish is the correct word, but I understand what that poster was saying. I was married, got divorced and part fo the reason was that my ex was so uninterested in sex and she more or less held it over me as a bargaining chip. That's pretty cruel. I think most guys get that women are made differently, but a lot of women use sex as a means to keep us in check and that is where the selfish feelings come from.

 

In addition, I am having the same issues now with my GF. When we met I explained how a healthy sex life was important to me and she agreed and was on board. Now she feels differently and claims that she doesn't need sex every week and anytime I bring it up or show disappointment I'm the one being difficult. I guess. It just seems like this is a common problem in relationships and it's unfortunate.

[DropToZero]

Why is she "selfish"? Because her sex drive is lower than his? How does that make her selfish?

 

She doesn't sound selfish - she sounds resentful at feeling pressured into having sex more often than she wants to.

 

Because even as the OP says... she's USING it.

 

He quoted her(if it's right I presume) "she does what she needs to do"... okay... lets put that in a more personal way---

 

I'm married to you, you start to want sex--so we start going at it, then halfway through I stop because I got my end of it and leave you hanging. (most relationships make this obvious selfishness) Now lets put it into context of not having enough sex(3/4 times a week... is actually quite low IMO, but hey)--he claims he wants sex a little more, and she claims she does enough for him. That sounds quite selfish... that's like you asking me to do some chores around the house and clean up, but when you get home and I've only done about half and I'm plopped down on the couch watching TV... you ask "What about all the other chores?" and I say "Well I've done what I needed to do"(insinuating that you can do the rest).

 

That's not selfish? See I have no problem with someone having a lower sex drive--it happens, the problem is it's being used and she's just complaining to him about it rather than as a marital couple should do--work it out.

 

This is a two way street, communication is the biggest key issue--not the sex. She should know that your sex drive is just a bit higher, and you have to know hers is lower. The thing that needs talked about is her comments(and his maybe, I don't know all of yours OP) about how she's claimed she does *enough* for him---the moment you start claiming those things--you're definitely thinking about yourself only. Compromise needs to be in order---or some sure-fire "let's have it your way back and forth."

 

If sex is a "chore" OP... you've got another issue on your hands too(and I'm not as far into the marital process as you are so I don't know much about that part) but it sounds like you're heading towards another problem if the sex has become so boring it's a chore. Talk about that, find another way to light that back up if it's just not doing it for her. This is the point of marriage--work for each other, not for yourselves and your marriage will damn well flourish.

[Speranza]

Ironically, my relationship just broke up because he wasn't wanting it as much as me. I felt very shallow (it wasn't the only reason, mind you) but I realised that long-term it simply wouldn't work for me - and therefore for him.

 

I don't think women OR men are necessarily using it as a bargaining chip. People are just all different. Some of course DO use sex (or lack of it) to get their way. More fool them.

[SQguy]

This is (unfortunately enough), no offense, my new favorite blog. LoL. Anyway, Thanks all for your replies *(again).

 

DroptoZero - you make A LOT of sense -- and I mostly agree. nice to have ya there.. Interesting to hear your NOT married. Don't let this make you walk away... .... RUN! I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give you advice (never take advise from a divorced counselor/friend/blogger .... or soon to be ) nor would i instruct you to take any (advice), from anyone -- without a good deal of reservation. but what I will warn you is, DON'T EVER think that you can "steer" or guide the future .... I mistakenly did that...

 

Before my wife and I got married (together for MANY years before, then engaged for 2 and living together, and now married for almost 10, and in our late 30s) I was COMPLETELY (VERY VERY) clear, before we got married, "things that were important to me" and "my expectations" -- this incl.'d at the time "sex drive" and "expectations". Now, I'm was born at night, but not last night... at the same time, I secretly knew, and fully expected that things would change (hope for the best, plan for the worst)---- and I knew I would NOT get everything i wanted. Yep, I knew that. In some ways, Life and marriage, will be all-about (some) compromise --- and hey, I was ready to take that (soooo, maybe not 6 nights, maybe 4 or 3? How about "worst case", Two? Sure, ok.) BUT, I repeated made clear that sex could/would never be used as a tool, and as a man, and one that believed sex was essential to healthy relationships/marriages.. --- I repeated, and repeated that "weeks/months w/out sex" (using real-life friends/situations as examples..) or a less than existent sex life would not be acceptable -- or tolerated. (which at the time, of course, was NO WHERE NEAR a "problem" - they call that "playing house, on your best behavior") For me, this is the same as a women that tells you, "if you cheat on me, no coming back" (deal-breaker, done...)

 

You see, maybe I had an unfair advantage -- Having many friends and family married before me - with horror stories- I saw plenty of issues, the "play book" if you will (several flavors, motivations, etc.). And, some I could understand (Divorce from addiction, mid-marriage life changes, infidelity, etc.) --- and some I could NOT (sex, or "this marriage thing is just not who i am anymore.."). But, in short, I felt like, by going thru "this exercise" --- I was being FAIR, AND setting expectation, and being PERFECTLY CLEAR ... (most importantly) beforehand. How could I fail then, right? I made known "this is a hot button for me"... My stupid thought was, by setting expectations, and making "needs" (things) clear --- there would be no recourse or mitigant down the road (i.e., "Oh, I didn't know", or "oh, well, your needs and desires changed" etc....) Well guess what? Here we are... exactly where i tried to avoid.

 

And again, Mind you, when these "conversations" took place, "we" were not only clear, we were "allegedly" in perfect step... As she put it, there was no need to have the conversation.... everything is going fine now, right? But Now? Now, its about, me being "overly aggressive about sex". Funny. And better, about me needing to "check the boxes" (on HER list) to get "things done" on "MY LIST?". Funny again... why is that only on "my list?". Obviously, this is really about setting "false obstacles" to slow down "what gets done." And, of course you ask: Have i tried to communicate? You bet. Unfortunately, it turns in to a fight that "i don't understand how women work" and that "women are not the same" or the most recent... You've had a drink or two, i don't want to talk about this now...." (love that one).

 

And I've talked to others...and the lines of "have you made her feel sexy?"; "have you tried to first address her emotional needs?" --- Listen, lets cut the * * * * . Lets be honest that some of that is "pulls" from the 'bull**** excuse bag" from others that want to justify excuses as to why they 'play the same game'. (sorry).

 

But, anywho...thanks. What some of you have done for me, is this: You have helped me to understand "i'm not alone" and maybe not as "crazy" as she'd have me believe.... I've always thought this is a pretty common thing coming to MANY households accross our great land. Sure, she'd have be feel like I'm some 'aberration' - asking for more than than anyone should; And, that other couples/marriage don't deal with this, in this way - or like me.

 

Again, part of the game, and maybe, just maybe .... I don't have to play.

[SnowFox]

In a relationship, the one who wants something the least (doing chores, having sex, etc), essentially controls that area of the relationship. That is just a fact.

 

So a person who is with someone who wants more sex than their partner has several options:

 

1. use methods to figure out if this can be changed - by that I mean, find a well-trained marriage therapist who has experience working with couples with different sex drives; read books by good marriage researchers and therapists: John Gottman, PhD, and David Schnarch, Phd (author of Passionate Marriage ).

 

This approach involves getting your spouse to agree that this is a serious problem and you won't back off until you've both invested some time in trying to sort out what has led you, as a couple, to this point. Then, in therapy, you've both got to be willing to look at your own role in the dynamic - and if you are with a GOOD therapist, you can work to resolve this.

 

2. leave the relationship

 

3. accept a less frequent amount of sex

 

4. accept less sex but risk developing resentment toward your partner

 

5. ask your partner if they will let you have sex outside of the relationship

[DropToZero]

Haha thanks SQguy, yeah I'm only 23... I've been engaged for about 5 months now, I'm getting married next June... I've been with her for 2 years now.

 

Yes, I can honestly say... I have nowhere near the experience of you or many others... but I do speak with older couples as often as I can. My parents themselves have gone through tough things and even endured infidelity as an issue... I saw it firsthand as a child, but don't remember much besides thinking they were going to get a divorce. Their relationship was saved by faith in God and forgiveness, but that's another story.

 

I used to think I knew everything about relationships/marriage, and like you--I would plan ahead. It won't work... I realized this within the last year or so, because even my relationship with my fiance was QUITE rocky to say the least in the first year. 5 to 10 years from now, you're right... we can't plan everything and I have no idea what's to come--but we can talk about them, we can be clearly open with one another, and be ready to stick through it together no matter what it is... these are not words, they are an understanding and a covenant between us.

 

I guess the whole point is, no matter what you're fighting about or dealing with as a couple... you need to realize that the relationship is much more important than the fight or fights, if you lose sight of that... love will fade and you will split up.

 

Now these are all nice and flowery words I know, and you've got a real issue on your hands... you seem to have tried to talk things out--more than once or twice, and you're now here because you're starting to feel like you're out of options and want some advice.

 

The best advice I can give you... is to bend to her will. I know, it sounds crazy... and you may hate every damn minute of it... but it may bring to your a realization that while the sex is something you want and should be a part of the relationship to bring the two of you together... it's fire has faded(at least for her) and it may take some time to re-ignite. I know, initially it may seem this was a blame game... but going to your wife and saying the random guy on the internet told me you're being selfish won't help your point. Seeking justification within your marriage isn't always the answer... especially when you're doing it outside of your marriage. It will inevitably turn into a "he said"-"she said" fight every time--nothing will be resolved.

 

I know you might quickly dismiss my advice... but if communication is not working, then you've got to wait for the right time... even if it means doing what she wants. It might drain you worse than you are now, and it might even make you angrier at her, but it will also hopefully bring to light the fact that you love her... and love doesn't need "lists" or sex, and it doesn't need justification, and it doesn't need conditions.

 

You're both starting to slip into what some would call the "negative thought area" of your brain about one another, and(if not already) will be harboring them readily for fights. It will turn into a disease... and it will only eat the marriage alive from the inside out. I challenge you to start thinking of the better qualities of your wife and of your marriage. I challenge you to shove out all the bad thoughts--EVEN IF THEY'RE TRUE.

 

In all... I challenge you to submit. If that gets you nowhere, keep doing it... you're on the right path.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have the wrong approach, as nagging isnt going to get you anywhere. You need another person who agrees that your wife's lack of sex drive is the issue. Right now she can just portray you as an sex addict and her desire as being normal. I would suggest counselling with a counsellor who is familiar with issues in marriages involving decreased sex drives and perhaps a hormonal imbalance or other trigger which is causing this issue.