Problems arose...again

[Nynnja]

So, this morning i woke up and decided to go from LC to NC with my ex. In the past 2 or 3 months i've just been hanging out with friends, having fun, without a care in the world. Here is how our text conversation went:

 

Me: "I've gave it some thought and I can't be your friend anymore. I care about you and i'm over us but to completely move on with my life i don't think we should talk at all until you're ready to give 'us' another chance."

 

Her: "You are so full of drama seriously. I'm not giving us a shot at all anytime soon you make me not want to at all okay. You aren't over it or you wouldn't constantly keep bringing it up. Don't talk to me doesn't matter to me it matters to you. I'm over it been over it for a long time. Now it's your turn to grow up. Bye"

 

What is the deal? Why would she say something like that? I literally haven't mentioned "us" in about 3 months, since she got with her new guy (but left him 2 weeks ago)

 

And on top of that, we haven't even talked but maybe once or twice every other week (not like a whole day worth of conversation, literally one or two messages). The last time i talked to her was on the 30th when she told me she broke up with her new guy, and was texting me because she was "bored" and that's the only topic she could think of.

 

Am I imagining it? Is she really just that psycho? What would make her say or think that? Any insight, especially from females, would be great.

[Piper182]

I don't think you're over her. If you were, you wouldn't have told her that she can't talk to you unless she wants to get back together. I'm sure she feels like you gave her an ultimatum. Date me or don't talk to me ever again.

 

how long did you two date?

[Nynnja]

I don't think you're over her. If you were, you wouldn't have told her that she can't talk to you unless she wants to get back together. I'm sure she feels like you gave her an ultimatum. Date me or don't talk to me ever again.

 

how long did you two date?

 

No, i'm not over HER, but i'm over the breakup. And i don't feel it was really an ultimatum, just "we shouldn't talk until you're ready to try again". In no way did i expect, or even want, her to try and reconcile right then.

 

We dated a little over 3 years

[Piper182]

why did you give her the ultimatum?

[Nynnja]

I don't see any part of what I said as an ultimatum

[Piper182]

you told her not to talk to you unless she wanted to get back together. what did you expect her to say? were you hoping she would tell you that she desperately wanted you again?

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree that you did give her an ultimatum in a sense; it was pretty much an "either-or" statement -- either you want to get back together with me OR we can never have contact again." I understand why you did it; I know it's really hard NOT to do something like that. And, it's a course of action that gets recommended on ENA quite frequently: Tell them you want no contact until they are ready to try again.

 

In my opinion, making an NC "announcement" isn't the best course of action in most cases, for several reasons. One, it can come accross as an ultimatum, and most people don't respond well to ultimatums, and any potential future relationship -- even a possible friendship down the road -- might be out of the question. Two, it often comes accross as melodramatic -- like you can't BEAR to talk to the person any more because it hurts so much -- and it gives them way too much power (in both your mind AND theirs) over your emotions. And...there's that whole "be careful what you wish for" thing. They may very well just say "OK, fine, I'll never talk to you again," so you need to have be CERTAIN that you never want to talk to them again if you're going to say something like that. And, lastly...I know that some people think it's overrated, but I think there's a lot to be said for keeping up the appearance of being calm and collected after a break-up, even if, on the inside, you really aren't, and declarations of NC CAN make a person look sad, as if he or she is handling the break-up poorly, especially several months on.

 

I have never announced NC with any ex -- I still talk to two of mine, and two of them I don't. The two I don't...well...I just stopped talking to them, and they never contacted me, either, and all was well (well, it wasn't, but it eventually was!). My first ex and I remained friends for awhile after I broke up (long-distance friends since we didn't live in the same city) and he eventually just stopped contacting me -- no announcements, nothing. I had a feeling he had met someone else or that it was just too painful to keep in contact with me, and I was right. He got into contact with me a year ago, via e-mail, and admitted that he had to stop contacting me because it was too hard for him. Eventually, too, he met someone else, and he moved on and got married. Some 17 years later, he got in contact with me, and we're great friends now.

 

That said, I think that announcing NC IS appropriate in SOME cases -- if an ex is abusive, for example, and you want to make it clear you want nothing to do with him or her, if he or she has moved on to a new relationship and keeps calling you to talk about relationship issues, etc. Just a simple, "I think it's better that we not be in contact right now," would suffice, though...try to avoid the "unless you want to get back together" caveat.

 

Anyway...I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's painful. Now, though, she has told you how she feels, and perhaps it will be easier for you to cut ties and move forward. Hang in there.

[loulee]

"I've gave it some thought and I can't be your friend anymore. I care about you and i'm over us but to completely move on with my life i don't think we should talk at all until you're ready to give 'us' another chance."

This was clearly an ultimatum whether you care to admit it or not..It right there in front of you. over you" BUT we should not talk again UNTIL you are ready to give us another chance really is just simply a threat. And your exs reply showed far more maturity. I agree with her completely about not even wanting to after a threatening mixed message statement like that. Does SHE appear pyscho?? NOT AT ALL. Does this text message that you sent appear unbalanced YES IT DOES> very much so....If you cannot see that this is an ultimatum as you have declared in your response to your next post then I would suggest you show it to some friends and seek their opinion, and not be in self denial.It is without question an ultimatum.

You also can not be over a break up and BE over the person..this is also not a balanced statement. As we all know they go hand in hand..more self denial

I feel sorry for you, sincerely that you are still clearly missing and hurting over your ex.

If you do desire any chance of a reconciliation I would be going into damage control if I were you.

I would apologise for this statement and tell her she is right to have responded the way she did. let her know with honesty that you are not over her. Wish her well and let her know that YOU have some growing to do, and that you are going to take some positive steps to do just that..then get out and start enjoying your life and start moving on..She has clearly indicated that she is over you..I would bet that she is very aware of your manipulations and yes that is what they are.(emtional blackmail) She has also indicated that she is over you and has been for some time. whether or not this is just anger following your ultimatum who knows...although she appears to be having other relationships and living her life quite well. You need to totally change your strategy if you hope to have this girl back in your life.....regardless of your accountability of the minimal contact that you have had to date with her..bottom line is . you are not over her..you must see for yourself that what you have said has had a very negative effect and rightly so.. just put the shoe on the other foot and imagine your reaction to a statement like this.. coming from another female I support her comment. So now it is up to you to rethink it and see that this is not the way...it sure didnt work did it?? Sometimes it is very difficult to see ourselves IF we are projecting our wants in a threatening/negative way..as our emotions can rule us..You can turn this around if you choose to but only when you can see that you have made a bad call here...and then change it...you will draw more bees with honey than vinegar...think about it..and good luck

[Nynnja]

I don't care the least bit whether we have a "future relationship" or not, whether it be friendship or otherwise, especially how our previous relationship went.

 

And i never once said i was over her. I'm over the the fact that i'm not with her anymore but i do still love her and i won't deny it.

 

I'm not going to show the messages to my friends, because none of them have had a real relationship, therefore have never been in love so they wouldn't know the difference. they're all womanizers. as far as they or anyone else knows, i've forgotten about her completely.

 

The only reason i even said that, which apparently seemed to all of you as an ultimatum, is because everytime i would try to talk to her, all i would hear about is the new guy she's screwing, "how much fun she had last night" in the most vague sense to get a rise out of me, or about how "f*cked up" she was the other night. I said "until you're ready to get back together" so she won't talk about that stupid crap she knows i don't care about anymore.

 

In our entire 3 year relationship, if i ever gave her an ultimatum on anything, she always chose the other choice over me, so why would i do it now?

 

I won't say i don't have anything to apologize for, because yes i could've worded things differently, but what's said is said and i'm not going to break NC to apologize. I've already hit rock bottom, so the only way to go is up. either way, i'm moving forward in my life, with or without her.

[Rob1000]

i'm moving forward in my life, with or without her.

 

Onwards and upwards, my friend. Good luck.

[Psychomagnet]

He has every right on this earth to stand for what he wants/what his boundaries are, regardless of how it comes off to the ex. 90% of this forum stands by the "tell them NC unless they want to reconcile"(don't believe this? go look)...so to bash someone over doing just that is stupid.

 

Who cares if it's an ultimatum?...I'm sure she didn't take his view on their relationship ending with any consideration but her own, why should he do her any favors?

 

Myself, I wouldn't have told her at all...just vanish and let her wonder. Her ego couldn't accept that you WEREN'T rattling on about the relationship every 2 seconds so the one time you did(to get free)...she lets you have it.

 

"The only reason i even said that, which apparently seemed to all of you as an ultimatum, is because everytime i would try to talk to her, all i would hear about is the new guy she's screwing, "how much fun she had last night" in the most vague sense to get a rise out of me" = BINGO!(that and she sounds like she's trying to prove it to herself, common among the immature ones)

 

Don't let yourself be used

Next her clean

[Nynnja]

Thank you for validating my points... I was beginning to think i threw myself out to the wolves.

 

I have to say this weekend went over surprisingly smooth, and I had a pretty great one. Here's to pushing through the next few weeks, with my almost-due bills that I really don't have the money to pay