my slow and steady recovery

[cantcry]

Hi everyone,

 

i don't like weekends, too much free time to think of what was, what could still be...basically BS...so i'm going to post my first post on ENA!

 

i remember first coming accross this forum about 6 months ago (one of the many other breakup sites i googled...*ugh i'm embarrassed*) and it was such an unbelievably painful time. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, nothing interested me or made me happy anymore, my emotions were just blunted except for feeling this..agony...i would literally just sit and think about him. worst of all, there was this dull pain in my chest every time i inhaled..exhaled. there was an actual physical pain! i'd walk around, not really being where i was, because my mind was always away thinking about the better times, what i could've done differently, everything i lost...he consumed my every thought, it was sick.

 

i've never been this broken before and never thought i'd be that girl that would fall into this depression over some guy. but there i was...unable to even function. i didn't want to be here, there were times i didn't even want to breathe anymore.

 

from then until now, we've done 'friends,' LC, i did the begging and pleading thing ("if i only tell him one more time...") and i was rejected every time. i love how they're so sure and confident in their decision. i still think he's making a huge mistake..but he could also be doing me the biggest favour by not being with me, too. we've fallen into the FWB thing, not bc it was some ploy to get him back, but bc i wanted him in my life any way i could. i was happy just seeing him, as self destructive as the whole thing was for myself.

 

i wasn't stupid, i knew this guy wasn't perfect, and i read about NC all over the place on this forum, but i thought - hey, our circumstances were different (he chased after me, he said i was his dream girl, he said he'd never break up with me, he did a lot for me...i took him for granted, i could change this...i could turn it around...if he only knew how much i really wanted to be together..! etc etc). yeah well, that's all BS. the past was the past and my present is probably 95% identical to everyone else's here - they don't want us. and if i could do one thing again, i would just do NC right from the beginning. it would just be a better time if i did. it's not like i ever stalked him or pestered him, but any contact at all was just not a good idea, given what it's led up to.

 

anyways, in time, the choice wasn't even mine anymore bc he initiated NC, without even telling me was going to (and i thought with our arrangement, he would've respected me enough to have one last talk or something) so now we are in NC and i only think: if only i had beaten him to it first.

 

funny thing though, is that the dull aching pain in my chest has left me months ago. i no longer want to be with him, i no longer feel that strong urge to contact him and life has gotten fun again. i smile and mean it, finally! i did the whole going out thing, went on dates (and every new guy just made me miss the ex more, actually...), saw friends, threw myself into school life...and little by little, even though i wasn't realizing it, i was getting over him. i no longer search for his FB (deleted) just to see if his profile pic changed...and whenever i think of him, i tell myself STOP and i actually do. basically, it no longer hurts. i think of him a lot less, i focus on myself and i realize how blessed i am with everything i have in my life. it's all good.

 

i'm not going to lie, i'm still healing. i still think about him when i wake up. i still miss him. everytime i get a text or check my email, i still want to see his name, but i don't expect it anymore. i expect spam.

 

so seeing where i was and where i am, i KNOW it will get better. 6 months more and i'll be completely done. that's the plan.

 

hoping everyone a speedy recovery and a happy weekend

[browneyedgirl36]

Sounds like you're doing well. Good for you! I hope to soon be where you are -- especially the part about checking the phone and expecting spam. It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep moving forward!

[gsxr104]

Wow, that takes some mental fortitude. Don't know if I can do that. Where were you when I needed you.