Help! Husband in debt and depressed.

[bluelady]

married for 4 years . When we first got together his small business was finaically successfull but now he is struggling and he is in debt, its time for him to seek new oportunties to make money, but the failure of his business has left him so depressed, he is suffering from anxiety, paranoia and very low self esteem. I wish he was stronger , I'm trying to understand because I've had low points in my life too - but he doesnt seem to be changing . I've been paying bills myself for a while but am freaking out at the thought of the situation not changing, with our baby due soon. We dearly love each other but he is so depressed and guilty about his failure and depending on my finainces he has starting saying things like "you would be better of without me". but I want to support him through this I just don't know what to say or do.

[miami]

Yup...been there! Went from riches-to-rags with the Real Estate bust.

 

This will take time, and if you have some kind of health insurance that facilitates access to mental health therapy- get it! He will need a psychiatrist to prescribe the meds, and a therapist he can talk to on a weekly basis. If you can only afford one, then get the therapist since the meds don't always work. The challenge will be getting him to go to the 1st session since most men see this as a sign of weakness. If you're one of the 47M uninsured Americans Obama was talking about, then he'll just have to deal with it the old-fashioned way.

 

The first thing he needs to understand is that his identity is NOT correlated with his business or role as a professional. Most men do this. If you ask a guy "Who are you?" they will usually respond with their title, profession or role in the family. He is the exact same person whether his business failed or whether it became publicly traded next week.

 

One thing that helped me was to extrapolate "What is the absolute worse thing that can happen?" In my case, I went from a substantial net worth to owing close to $1M to my creditors. Banks, credit cards, loans...you name it I owe it. Guess what, I'm still here! I'm still alive! The United States does not have "Debtors Prison." If you fast forward to the worst possible thing creditors can do (after they've ruined your credit rating) is sue you. If he's got nothing....they won't bother. They can try to garnish his wages if he gets a new job, but in some states they don't allow it if he is "head of household." Even if they do manage to somehow garnish the wages, it's limited to 25% of expendable income.

 

Why am I going through the trouble of saying all this- because once I understood what the ABSOLUTE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME of my financial failure was, that is, tangibly quantify it, then the big scary monster was not so scary after all.

 

Creditors and collection agencies can be brutal! I strongly suggest you change your phone numbers and get them off your back. The psychological impact they create is worse than what they can do in reality (bark is worse than the bite).

 

His self-confidence is shattered, so it will take some time to recover. Give him space and don't try to "talk about it" unless he wants to. He will take his cues from you since he is in a vulnerable state right now, so it would help if you can take an attitude that "you don't give a crap" about what's happening with the finances. Not that you're irresponsible and don't care in that way, but rather the fact that you are going through this financial challenge has not influenced your outlook of him or your life in general. Try to see the silver lining and put a positive spin on the negative situations that you come accross. I'm not saying to slip into denial, but there's always a way to make lemonade out of the lemons you're dealt if you just keep a positive attitude.

 

Again...it will take time and patience. Sounds like he's lucky to have you through these tough times.

[bluelady]

Thanks so much for the advice, I'm definitely more worried about him than the money side, I havn't been pushing him on the subject of work or money - I'm just going about my business and waiting patiently - I suggested counselling , but I cant force him to go , it needs to be his decision.

[trezz]

does he truly KNOW that you love him, not his earning potential.

he is going to be your babys father. a good father is worth so much more then money.

he needs to know this in his heart.

 

have the accountants or whoever sorted out the business side of things. if things are bad may have to act to stop them getting worse.

 

i hate it when people who have tried hard to make a good of things are let down.

to me the brave are the ones who try. the only losers are the ones who are too scared to give it a well thought out reasonable try.

 

emphasize his baby needs a daddy and not just anyone it has to be him.

 

good luck seems a bit weak to say but i just want to try to help.