Should I stay married if I am not in love with my spouse ?

[Soneath]

I've been married for over a decade and have three young children; however, I have not been in love with my spouse for almost the entire marriage. I just went along for the ride. Recently, I started having relations with another person who makes me feel so alive. If I am not in love with my spouse, should I stay married? Knowing how the marriage has been throughout the years, I really don't believe I can feel the love towards my spouse that will make me feel complete. Even after finding out about the person I am involved with, my spouse still wants the marriage to work. Through this other person coming into my life, I was able to recognize that I can express the love and passion that I haven't been able to for years. I realize that a divorce will negatively affect the children and that it is not necessarily God's will. So please tell me, if I am not in love with my spouse and don't believe I ever will be, should I stay married?

[Sushi Overdose]

no you should follow your heart, sounds easy to say, but im not sayin this will lead you to happiness right away, it will be though but first u will face lots of consequences by sacrificing the people you care about getting hurt and going through the papers, unless if youre thinking of having a divorce.

 

im not an expert on telling u this, bec. ive never been married, but are u sure that there is no other way u can work this out? u can try doing some soul searching or what not, but if there isnt really anything, then its best for you to get out of that relationship, and do something that makes you happy. its better if you're free than cheating on your spouse, that will cause more conflict.

[Jen23]

You didn't give much info about your situation and i know this may sound harsh(it's probably because i am going through a situation where the guy went along for the "ride") but why would you go along for the ride? I mean you have kids with this woman and you just went along for the ride. I just think that is really selfish. I know that you have a right to be happy but i also think that you have obligations. I just feel like people give up on marriage to easily. Why would you stay with her for so long if you knew that you didn't want to be with her? My opinion as harsh as it is, is this - You made your bed now you sleep in it!

 

Okay so maybe i am a little bitter... Sorry but that is how i feel.

Good luck.

[princesa]

Hi there,

 

this is a tricky question. I've been thinking lots about whether people should stick to their relationships even though there is no real passion (any more?), or should we all just always follow our instincts and "go along" whenever a passion comes up.

Like Jen said, people give up too easily. Even though everthing works fine and life could be nice and uncomplicated, nowadays people always want something more, "biiiig feelings" and passion. Well, of course those feelings are wonderful and everyone has a right to feel them and be happy, but let's not forget that these are passing feelings and at the end of the day, it's the routine, true friendship and loyalty that matter. In other words, I believe a mature love doesn't consist that much in passion but in sharing and believing. Either you cherish what you've started (in your case, why did you marry then anyway, if you didn't feel love?) or you always "go along" when a passion shows up. Because if you let passion rule, I guess there will be new passions always?!

 

I'm sorry to say this, but it just is my opinion. I'm not saying in general that passion is "bad" and everybody should be condemned to unhappy relationships and never leave even though obviously the couple has grown apart. It's just that everything seems to be so disposable nowadays and people don't cherish their relationships but give up too easily. Everyone seems to want always something better and more passionate and more who-knows-what.

 

Well...i got a bit sidetracked here. These last comments were not especally for you. I'm sure you will make the right decision. The fact that you reflect upon your actions and even contact this excellent website shows that you are a good person who tries to make the right decisions.

All the best!

 

princesa

[Soneath]

Thank you for your responses.

 

If I return to the marriage, how can I bring myself to love someone I am not in love with and have not had a connection with? I could stay in the marriage for the children's sake but would always be thinking that I let happiness pass me by. Yes, I have been very selfish throughout the marriage, especially since developing a relationship with someone else who also loves me very dearly. It is quite a dilemma that I have been struggling with for some time. My heart tells me to be with this other person. My head tells me to leave my spouse out of fairness to them. My heart breaks for the children, but I believe I could still be a good parent apart from them. thereforeeee, if I am not in love with my spouse, could I have a happy existence by remaining in the marriage? And would it be fair to them?

[icut]

well i have or was with my wife for about 10 years and did not know if i loved her or not.well she left me and i have found out many things about myself.one is how much i actually love this lady.two is how now i really appreciate when someone is willing to spend time with me.lots of different situations than your own i am sure but none the less there are deep seating feelings for my wife that i had never felt for a very long time.

 

now it is me trying to heal myself which i had never had to do before.today i pray alot and i am not a praying man.heck i pray for people i don't even like that have real issues with everything in life.maybe some time by yourself would help you know deep in your heart weather you love this woman or not.i am not saying this is the best avenue to take.i actually thanked my wife for leaving me it has opened my eyes too alot of my own shortcomings.

 

 

i know in time and with work on myself(as i was a great dad but not a great husband)and time alone i will know what i want out of life.sorry if i am rambling but i do hope you find what you want out of life

[princesa]

Hi there again Soneath,

 

well, how do you know that you are to become happy with this other person? You always say that when you fall in love!!!!! I was every time more than sure the person in question was the one to make me happy and it was a heaven on earth, and how come after the passion calmed down a bit all I was left with was "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Nobody can give you guarantees. Maybe you'll be left all on your own at the end of the day...

 

But it just seems that you've already made up your mind. I can understand that, and besides, if you feel that you're just staying out of obligation or something, then you'd better leave. This "we're not passionately in love but cherish what we have" only works when both want it and don't even long for passing fancies. Now you are already set to go...then do it. Your spouse deserves something better than having you around struggling with your self-conscience. She'll get over it, we all have. Your kids will have to live without their dad but as you said they're not going to lose you completely. I'm not so sure, though, that you'll get what you want...

 

Princesa

[Jen23]

Soneath,

You sound like you already have your mind made up. If this is what you want then i guess all you can do is follow your heart... I just hope that you would learn from your marriage and not "go along for the ride" again. That isn't fair to your partner.

 

Good luck,

Jen

[wish.i.knew]

hi! first of all a BIG shout out to you guys on this forum.... this site has really helped me a lot through my breakup... just reading some of your problems make mine seem so trivial at the same time really made me feel for you! THANKS!!

 

anyway Soneath you say that

Even after finding out about the person I am involved with, my spouse still wants the marriage to work.

 

its so clear to me that this lady loves you so much that despite finding out that you cheated she still wants this realtionship to work... do really want to cause this woman such pain??! as for not really being in love with her and the bullshit abt passsion, there are lots of ways to "rekindle(or in your case kindle) that spark" go on honeymoon again, marry her again!! do anything but dont break up a family...

 

even if you do go for this new woman are you THAT sure that it'll last?!

like princesa says

You always say that when you fall in love!!!!! I was every time more than sure the person in question was the one to make me happy and it was a heaven on earth, and how come after the passion calmed down a bit all I was left with was "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

i mean your wife cant be that unlovable or horrible can she? if she was then why marry her in the first place? think about all the good times that you've had...

Is so many years of loyalty, warmth and sharing worth giving up for some other woman? i'm not trying to sound like my mum or anything here but think about it, for the sake of your wife and kids. you might be giving up a lot more here than you think, still,

mine was an opinion yours is the choice.....

[Michael2]

The good old the grass is greener. Blah blah blah, heard it all before.

 

No offense, but you are MARRIED, and committed infidelity, I can not respect your decision or actions as result of that.

 

That is problem now a days, marriage is never taken seriously anymore.

 

I suggest you divorce your wife so she can find someone who would treat her with the respect and love she deserves.

 

You think by divorcing your wife your life will turn into a rainbow. Doubt it, you need counseling, it may help you out. Can you say mid life crisis? Go buy a corvette, not another woman.

 

You will regret this decision one day. I wish I had the link to an article I found on the web. It was a woman in your same exact situation. SHe divorced, 2 years later, she was in the same boat. Unhappy,, instead, this time, she didnt have the husband who adored or, or the respect of her family.

 

Good luck.

[kungfumaster]

I agree with Michael2 - there was a question posed on this forum a while ago - "is the grass greener on the other side?" - which in a way, relates to your question, and one guy or girl said it best - I forgot who (you're ausome whoever you are btw ), but he or she said - "generally, the grass is greener if you stay and water it". I just love that -sorry - I know this doesn't help you.

 

Oddly enough, I knew someone who said the exact same thing you did - "I got married because I just wanted to go along for the ride"? What the $#%^@ is that?? I'm sorry, but that just doesn't cut it.

 

In anycase, I don't mean to make you feel bad - just maybe consider what Michael2 has to say, i.e., his "tough love" advise if you wish.

[kungfumaster]

Oh Soneath -

 

Here is a thread that might help you get perspective on a person with the same situation as you - and there is a response in there of someone who did leave, and her thoughts on it two years after.

 

 

link removed

 

Good luck - remember - you are responsible for your own happiness - not your wife - or the person you fell in love with.

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[malnzachsmom]

I am a woman who is in the exact shoes of where your wife is right now. Please tell me how you (the man) can feel that your happiness is the only one that matters! I have invested a LOT in the 14 years I've been married and don't deserve for my husband to rip my world apart just because some other no good for nothing woman with no respect for "marriage" and "faithfulness" can give my husband the teen-school crush feelings of butterflies in the stomach that my husband is convinced I can't... but the truth is he dont want me to! There are a lot of different stages to "LOVE" and you have to adapt and work at ALL of them. You only get out of a relationship what you put in! If you are absolutely convinced you are doing the right thing and can walk away from your wife with no guilt.... then why are you not doing it right now rather than sitting here asking other ppls opinions? TALK TO YOUR WIFE AND GIVE HER AN OPINION!!

[kipster]

I've been married for over a decade and have three young children; however, I have not been in love with my spouse for almost the entire marriage. I just went along for the ride. Recently, I started having relations with another person who makes me feel so alive.?

 

Wow. dude over a decade and not 'in love' with your spouse for most of it? That's simply hard for me to believe. What was the initial reason for getting married (pregnancy, etc.)? But, I believe all too often we feel we should be 'in love' with our spouses every single day in order for a marriage to work. IMHO, this is a eutopian perspective. There will be days, months even, where you may LOVE your spouse, but not be 'IN LOVE WITH THEM' at the time. I would assume that's normal. Even people that I've known who've been married for 50 years admit that they've had long periods of time where they haven't been 'IN LOVE' with their spouses, but they still didn't get their rocks off with someone who captivated their imagination for the moment.

 

If I am not in love with my spouse, should I stay married? Knowing how the marriage has been throughout the years, I really don't believe I can feel the love towards my spouse that will make me feel complete. Even after finding out about the person I am involved with, my spouse still wants the marriage to work. Through this other person coming into my life, I was able to recognize that I can express the love and passion that I haven't been able to for years....So please tell me, if I am not in love with my spouse and don't believe I ever will be, should I stay married?

 

Again, there's no right or wrong answer here. But I can tell you that I gleaned some perspective on marriage after hearing old couples in a retirement home talk about marriage. And you know what many of them said? The consensus (of course this was one home and not a broad sample) was that after 2, 3, or 4 marriages in some cases, many of these individuals said that what they learned was that if they just worked harder the first time around, there wouldn't need to be a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time. They said people today simply give up too easily for all the wrong reasons (e.g., 'I'm unhappy', 'we're not growing', 'I need space', 'I'm bored', 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', etc.) and the rest of the list of lammo excuses that it seems like all of us hear universally.

 

But in closing, I think you must be careful in making your decision, because you just may get what your asking for.

 

What happens when:

1. your wife meets another guy and is happy, with your kids,

2. you're paying child support

3. she get your house, and alimony, and that new guy is in your old house with his feet up on the table that you once put you feet on.

4. And more importantly, when you want her back, because this new woman that you connected with has mysteriously connected with someone else after the honeymoon phase, and she flips the script and says she's no longer in love with you and unwilling to give you another chance?

 

I say to you, is it really worth it? Why give up the known for the unknown?

 

But hey, the choice is yours....

[jennyblue]

Hi-

wow this whole thing sounds so familiar. I too am in that same boat.

I am the wife though, married for almost 14yrs. w/ a child. I too just went

along for the ride & now am needing help making my decision. I know what you mean about the whole passion thing-I too am so totally in love w/ the other person & he loves me too, has already divorced & is now waiting for me. I have the whole guilt thing going on because my spouse also is willing to work on all his issues & wants so desperately to save our marriage & he knows all about the OM & how I have been in the affair for over 10 mos. I feel so guilty for my child, but have longed for happiness for so long. My husband was gone a lot w/ his hobby & it was always just me & my child. I lived for her, my life was all about her, & that is good & wonderful, but I needed companionship so badly & wasn't getting it. Now I have met this person who relates to me so wonderfuly --will it fade?? Will it end-Is it a beginning to an end because they all say "when it's new it's nice"

This is so hard & I'm glad I'm not the ony one going thru this. Good Luck & let me know what you decide. I think the real haunting question is do we make the decision to let our spouses go so that they can find someone who will love them the way we love the other people even though they are so hell bent on keeping us??