I need a "how to" guide for dealing with the ex

[kate111]

My exboyfriend and I split about 5 months ago basically because he met someone else.

 

I was angry for a long time and didn't answer the few times he called and did "no contact". I went to this forum to try to get tips to get him back. I did no contact.

 

I have since met a lovely handsome and smart man whom I am dating and who treats me with respect and passion. I feel lucky. We have a beautiful relationship based on trust and connection. We share the same interests, and seem to never get sick of each other (pretty amazing I know).

 

There are times I still miss things about my ex though, or want to talk to him or something. I think I have forgiven him. I don't want him back, but I wouldn't mind making him want me back.

 

Anyways I am thinking of initiating contact with him. However I am a bit worried about the effect seeing him might have on me. Is it wise?

 

Also how do I go about initiating contact? Do I ask him for coffee? What reason do I give for our meeting? Do I tell him I have forgiven him?What do I talk about when I am there? Do I mention my new boyfriend? What are normal things to talk about with an ex anyway?

[The Morrigan]

STOP and think here.

 

Of course you're going to miss some things about your ex - it's natural, and you've shared a lot. And EVERYONE who's ever been dumped would LOVE the satisfaction of knowing the ex wants them back - even when they're no longer wanted back.

 

However, try and think longer range here - if you do indeed make him want you back - how is that going to affect the current relationship you're in? Is it worth making him want you at the possible cost of making your current guy feel insecure or miserable thinking you want your ex over him? Or have encouraged your ex and might take him back?

 

If your only motive was friendship, it would be one thing, and I'd still let the current bf know upfront - because frankly, the more honest you are, the less chances for misunderstandings and insecurities to arise. If you're still wanting a reaction though - it's really something best left alone. It would be like poking a stick into a hornet's nest to see if there's anyone home - when you don't intend to take him back anyway and you're involved with someone else, there's really not much good, and a LOT of hurt, that could come from deliberately getting a reaction from your ex.

 

Just remind yourself you've got a great guy, he's got YOU, and your ex can chalk up a loss - and walk away from this idea with dignity - you'd kick yourself if you ruined a good thing for a hollow victory.

[kate111]

My boyfriend would not become insecure if I talked to my ex.

 

The way things have been left with my ex is a bit unresolved though. He tried to conact me and I refused to answer. He probably thinks I still am hurting or angry.

 

Should I try to fix that? Would it help me to get over him altogether if I do resolve it with him?

 

I may see him around town anyway. How do I act when I do? I would like to at least "win" the situation and keep my pride intact.

[drb99]

I think, the most important thing you can know, is that if it is over, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is someone out there who will love even more than this girl. I know that might seem impossible, but it's true! You will find someone else, and the feeling even greater and far more fantastic!!!

[brtlangst]

To me it seems like you never got completely over your ex because you had many unsettled things. I would explain this to your current bf and tell him that to better your relationship with him you think you should meet your ex to come to terms with some old issues you had. If he really cares for you he would understand. Just make sure you tell him how much he means to you, and how big of a jerk your ex was.

[kate111]

How exactly do I "work through issues with the ex?"

 

I don't want to go through a swamp trip with the ex. He probably doesn't want to either.

 

The issue I have with the ex is regaining my pride and ego after he trampled on them. How do I do that?

[littlefeet]

The issue I have with the ex is regaining my pride and ego after he trampled on them. How do I do that?

 

Hi Lozza, based on your reply (above), I'd say maybe you shouldn't see your ex just yet. It sounds like, otherwise, your life is going really well. If you feel worried about your failure to respond to his message before, why not just email him saying, "I didn't mean to be rude, but for a while I was too upset about what happened between us / too angry with you (insert whatever you were feeling) to reply to your message. I'm doing really well now and hope your life is working out as well as you hoped (or some other nice, pleasant, yet somewhat "distant" thing to say). I just wanted to let you know I've forgiven you for hurting me" (or however you want to put it).

 

Maybe you'll be able to have a meeting or even a friendship with the ex in your future, but I hope you don't feel that's the only way to clear the air. If it helps, I'm in the same boat as you are. (the ex is even English). I will be living in the UK this summer so didn't want any real/imagined hostility to precede me!

 

Take care,

 

lf

[kate111]

Hmm sensible advice.

 

I like the note idea, I may just do it.

 

I feel like I forgive him on some levels.

 

But on others I am still wondering whether I am weak for forgiving him. Does forgiving him relegate me back to my doormat status?

 

Does everone deserve to be forgiven? Even if they have not played by the rules and caused havoc on others due to their own selfishness?

 

What is the attitude to take towards someone who has done you wrong?

 

Dumping someone is legitimate, everyone is entitled to break up with someone. This is not even something to be forgiven really.

 

But cheating and deceiving IS wrong. Can it be forgiven?

 

I mean I waited 5 months when I could have been devoting my time more fruitfully.

[spaceandtime]

STOP. STOP. STOP.

 

Look, if you're thinking about all this, just wait. It's not time to contact the guy. You're just provoking trouble and inviting confusing emotions to resurface.

 

PLEASE just let it go. Concentrate on what you're so lucky to have. And honestly, if its REALLY all that you say it is, you shouldn't be worrying about whether you've forgiven him or not. It's irrelevant. And in the past.

 

If you ask me, you're looking for trouble in contacting him again. And your rationale to do so is not very convincing, given how "great" things are with the new guy.

 

Face forward!

[The Morrigan]

I'll also say this - you don't always forgive someone because THEY deserve it, but because YOU don't deserve to carry them around as baggage. Forgive him so you can move on, not because you feel he's worth it - but because you're worth more than letting him have a place on the sofa in your new "room" so to speak of your life.

 

Consider friendship when he's an invited guest and not imposing himself in your head - then you'll KNOW you're ready to deal with him on new terms.

[kate111]

I can understand your logic Morrigan because I really am having trouble moving on.

 

My new man is gorgeous and I love and appreciate him (I really do!), but a part of me is still giving a place on the sofa to my ex.

 

Why is that? Am I bad? Has this happened to anyone else.

 

I do not want my ex to have a seat in my lounge room. How can I move on?

 

You say forgiveness is the key. I have tried telling myself in my head, "you forgive him, now move on" but it only half works. Do I have to tell him or what?

 

Maybe I should just wait until I next see him, which could be anytime or never.

 

I don't Know but Im kind of sick of that bastard being a part of my life. Damn! now im angy again. You see?

[littlefeet]

my "2p" for you--

it's natural to be angry, but it's also wasting more of your energy on this guy, who it seems has wasted enough of your time already.

forgiveness allows you to let go, like the morrigan said; it's not about gratifying the guy or being his doormat.

it's also a process; it doesn't mean you've forgotten, or that you wish to be friends--forgiveness only means that you're working at not carrying a grudge that makes you a smaller person and brings you down.

the new guy probably isn't blind to what you've been going through, so just be sure the two of you communicate. it is hard, from the "new guy/woman" side of things to think your ex still occupies your thoughts, and it possibly is worse considering the terms you and "ex" seem to have parted on.

i don't know how your are in relationships, but i tend to be quite devoted and very faithful, as was the case with my last guy (nearly 5 years) and also find it very hard to let go, even though i can honestly say i should (for some similar reasons to yours) not think twice more about him. at the same time, i have lots of positive aspects to my life right now and am very grateful for them. i hope the same is true for you. pm me if you want to talk, and take good care of yourself.

 

lf

[kate111]

Thank you for that advice. I can see how carrying a grudge makes you a smaller person and I definitely don't want to be like that.

 

But is there any tricks, thoughts or techniques I can use to help myself forgive him. I understand the reasons why, because I love myself and need to let it go, im just having difficulties doing that for some reason. Help!

 

The thing is my ex and I have a few friends in common and I am bound to see him out and about with this new girl he cheated on me with and has ended up with. How should I react? I don't want to be too nice, right?

 

But if Im thinking I don't want to be too nice does that mean I haven't forgiven him?

 

My friends in common have so far made sure they don't invite us to the same gatherings. I have thought this important for "no Contact" to move on.

 

But is there a time when I should say to my friends "you don't have to worry about separating us anymore?"

[The Morrigan]

Think of your emotions like a checking account - and every time you let him sway them you're letting him make a withdrawal from that account - something you could be investing in yourself, your new bf, your family and friends - sometimes catching yourself short and saying "whoa - he's not worth giving this energy and emotion to and there are plenty of people in my life who are" repeatedly is what it takes. It's not easy. It's not overnight, and you're not a bad person for resenting what he did - you're human, and you still have reflexes emotionally that let him intrude a bit. Maybe when you find yourself thinking of him and your emotions swaying that way, give yourself a shake and focus on doing something for you - it's still energy, just see about using it contructively, even if it's trying on clothes in your closet and putting aside the ones you bought that "seemed like a good idea at the time" and bagging them for friends to go through, or a local charity. Just trying them on and seeing ones you might have forgotten you look GOOD in can redirect that energy a bit and put the focus back where it belongs - on you.

 

And by no means do you have to go out of your way to be super friendly if you don't feel like it, be casual and civil, but don't feel obligated to put on an act of good cheer either - you decide when enough is enough and what makes you feel good and what's only for their benefit.

 

Your friends being considerate has been nice on their part - when you can think of him with a mental shrug, maybe a little curiosity of course, which is completely natural, but no "interest" so to speak, you can tell them you've really appreciated it, but if they want to invite him as well it's no biggie. Just make sure you're at the point by then you're comfortable with yourself and it won't really bother you no matter how he acts - how he acts is his problem, not yours, and shouldn't become yours

[kate111]

Ahhh

 

He SMSed asking me how I was and questioning me about some stuff to do with my car.

 

I just gave him an answer "everything is great".

 

I didn't feel like I owed it to him to give out personal details of my life anymore.

 

Is this being petty? or mean?

 

I don't want to be petty or mean but I don't want to be a doormat either.

 

I want to handle this thing gracefully. I want to forgive this guy and move on.

 

How do I do it? Should I SMS him back with something a bit friendlier.

 

Why is he contacting me again anyway?

[kate111]

Do you think he is a selfish prick for even messagng me at all?

 

Shouldn't he just leave me be? It has been 6 months since we split now and we both have new partners.

[ziggystar]

it's human nature.

 

but honestly, do you really want to screw uo the good relationship you have now just for vanity sake. this is why people say forgive all past grievances, because if you don't you'll carry into your next relationship and screw that up, until you let go of the anger, hurt and anguish.

[kate111]

I know that and I don't want that to happen.

 

But how do I let go of that. How do I forgive him? Im having trouble on this part. I don't want to be one of those bitter old sourpusses!

 

I definitely do NOT want to screw up my relationship with my present partner for vanity's sake.

 

Im having trouble letting go. (especially when he contacts me!)

 

Please help!

[ziggystar]

to forgive you need to be compassionate. you have to believe that he and everybody else in the world is exactly like you are and deserves to be happy. and the best way to have happiness for yourself is to wish the best for them. because if you feel anger or hurt, then you are judging yourself as being unworthy. you, not him.

 

besides that, look at this way, if he didn't do what he did, you wouldn't have met your new bf and realized how much better it could be. honestly, he did you a favor (although unintentionally).

 

don't make contact with him. if he contacts you just be cordial. if he starts excessive contact, tell him that you don't think this a good idea and that regardless of his intentions, this contact is not productive and serves no purpose.

[GeeCee]

Sorry Kate, but I do not think that you are over the ex.

 

However, as you know that he has moved on as have you to an extent, I think that ZiggyStar's advice is valuable.

 

By contacting him at the moment, when you are still emotionally involved with him, I think that you are opening a whole can of worms, and you will potentially upset the balance of your relationship. I also think that you have wasted enough time on him already.

 

Good luck.

[kate111]

I know you guys are right. Thank you so much for your advice. It is amazing how much your advice helps me. I can write here about all my hidden thoughts and feelings without fear of being persecuted and judged.

 

I love my new boyfriend and I think we have a great relationship. We share many interests together and he is very considerate. I respect him.

 

I also know that I was hurt badly by my ex. But I don't want that to affect my present relationship.

 

I deserve to have someone like my boyfriend. I need to make the best of this.

 

I have been very good about not seeing my ex and this works for a while and I forget all about him and then Bam! he contacts me or i see him and it just makes my brain run overtime again. It starts the whole thing again.

 

I will banish the very faint glimmer of hope that someday we will be together. I have a boyfriend now who loves me and I love him. The ex has no place in my life anymore. If we get together someday in the future that is too far away to concern myself with.

 

My deep down desire is to prove myself to my ex and make him want me back so that I can hurt him in the way he hurt me.

 

But I am not going to indulge that fantasy anymore. It is just fantasy and will not happen. If I improve myself it will be for me not for him.

 

I wish him the best, he made a mistake and Im not going to hold him to it all his life. Let him be free of that. Let him have a new beginning.I wish him the best.

 

I definitely will not be contacting him. I owe it to myself and to my darling boyfriend who trusts me totally. I want to be worthy of his trust.

 

If he calls I will do exactly as Ziggystar writes, I will be cordial but will not encourage him at all. He has no place in my life anymore.

 

 

Thanks guys so much!