Usually the one giving advice, now I desperately need it

[Tinkerbell]

Hello everyone..I'd like to start off by thanking you for taking the time to read this, and I'll appreciate anyone's input.

 

My boyfriend of nearly a year and a half broke up with me this past Monday. Although things weren't going the greatest in our relationship, I still loved him very much. When we were having our conversation on Monday that eventually led to the breakup, I was hoping that he'd agree for the two of us to go on a break. I found that lately he was letting me down a lot, cancelling plans, and just not being the greatest boyfriend and I was getting used to be disappointed. Also, I have to add that he's gone through a drastic change for the worst during the last couple of months. He went from being the greatest guy I had ever met to this completely different guy who could be very enthusiastic and happy one moment and then moody and angry the next. I often felt, like I told him, that he was dragging me along on a rollar coaster ride. Anyway, he had noticed what was happening to him and he confessed that he wasn't able to feel anymore and that he wasn't happy with himself.

 

On Monday, after not talking all weekend because he blew me off again, I was letting him know that I was sick of being let down, and that he couldn't be happy with anyone else if he wasn't happy with himself first. He told me he had tried to change, and I told him I didn't think he had tried hard enough because he had no motivation (hence the reason I was suggesting a break) Well, he went from being sorry and sad one minute to angry the next and he told me he wanted to break up because he thought he'd be better off without me.

 

Our relationship had been pretty bumpy in the past, and we had gone on breaks before, but this time I could see it was serious so I sent back his stuff with his sister (which has never happened before..) We talked on MSN a little and he told me he didn't mean what he said about being better off without me, and that he regretted his decision but he wasn't going to play me like a yoyo. He said that he thought it would be better this way since he'd never be able to hurt me again.

I think it was the next day that he just showed up at my house to return my things..He looked pretty bad, and when I asked him about it later he said that's what happens when he's depressed.

 

I talked to him today, and he said he thinks that we should keep on making contact. He also said he realised that the picture of the two of us was still on his dresser and this saddened him since it made him realise that we have a lot of good memories, with just the ones lately being bad. He said that the pic made him think about getting back together, and then he said "I can't and I won't do that because it'd be mean and it would mean more pain for the both of us."

 

I don't know what to do with myself anymore...I spent the entire weekend with friends, surrounded by people, and yet I still managed to feel so alone. I'm not scared of being alone, I'm scared of being without him. He was my first serious boyfriend and before him I was completely happy with my independent lifestyle. But after we've gone through so much and I feel so strongly about him that I just can't forget him. I keep thinking the phone's gonna ring and it'll be him..I dream about him as though we're still together. I haven't talked to him on the phone in a week and a half (which is a record for us) and the last time I really saw him was a week and a half ago (I don't think the 2 mins he took to drop off my stuff really counts.)

 

I want to be with him again..or at least know that we will be together in the future once he's managed to develop into the better person he once was, the person he really is.

 

I feel physically ill..I told him a long time ago I'd never give up on him, but that doesn't matter much because he's let go of us.

 

Please, somebody help me...

[YellowQT]

Hello-

 

Im in the same position. Just lost the one i loved. Don't give up on him, if you want him in the future let him know you love him and need to be with him but you two both need time to yourselfs to find yourself right now. dont promise not to see other people because maybe thats what the two of you need to realize things. If you were meant to be together then no one else can stand in the way. Just think posotive, and agree to see him and hang out. Dont "not talk to him" because then there is no way of getting him back. Goodluck

 

~Ally* 8)

[avman]

Hi Tinkerbell,

 

Just give yourself some time right now. You are grieving hard over the relationship so its normal to feel lost and down. You are doing good to be going out with your friends and surrounding yourself with people who love you.

 

Remember that the person you are missing is the person you hope your ex will become. Not the person that he is now. Going back at this point will only put you in the same situation that you were unhappy with before.

 

Let him get his act together and miss you for a bit. He has to want to make these changes for himself and not just for you. Be patient with yourself and let yourself grieve things for awhile with the help of your friends. You are going to be ok.

 

avman

[Tinkerbell]

Thanks you guys..

 

I'm so scared of letting go though, what if he finds someone else and forgets about me? I don't mind trying the whole being friends thing, but it would be agony if I was just his acquiantance, a person he talked casually to making small talk on msn once every couple of weeks. I'd rather not have him in my life at all than have so little of him that I'd long for more constantly.

 

I feel like I'm living in the song Walk Away by Christina Aguilera..If you haven't heard of it, here are some of the lyrics:

 

I was naive, your love was like candy

artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed

I was prey in your bed and devoured completely

 

And it hurts my soul cause I can't let go

All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'

I hate to show that I lost control

Cause I keep going right back

To the one thing that I need

To walk away from

 

 

If you'd like to see the rest of it to get more of an idea of what I mean, use this link:

 

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[avman]

I understand Tinkerbell, but remember you weren't happy with the way things were going. And you were right to be unhappy. If he decides not to change at all, then you are better off in a new relationship. Only he can decide what he's going to do with his life. Its hard to let go and give up control, but thats what you have to do in this case.

 

Be strong girl. You deserve to be treated well.

 

avman

[Tinkerbell]

I know you're right, but it's easier said than done..

 

Thanks avman, I appreciate the advice.

[DragonGirl724]

sigh* im goin thru something similar my story is at the bottom of this post. whatever u do dont make him think you NEED him it will give him additional pressure he cant handle right now. he feels being alone is probably the best right now tho hes so mentally distraught his ultimate decision was to bail on the relationship. let him be for a little while try not contacting eachother & see how that goes. dont come off as needy as much as u think u need him. im goin thru the same transition and trust me i know how u feel i made my ex my world & thats not healthy. though to me i thought that undivided attention i gave him was good & will make him love me more, but it doesnt it scares people away. so let him seek his solitude & get his head together. if he calls you thats fine it means he needs to speak to someone who cares about him but try to not call him as tempting as it is. the mood swings display whats going on in his head right now. hes like mentally wrestling himself. he isnt sure what makes him happy & who he makes happy he is ultimatly hurting & hes confused & probably scared. my friend saw my ex at school like a day or 2 after he broke up w/ me and she said he look'd messed up & had sumthing on his mind. they dont want to hurt us as mean as they may come off sometimes. my ex was so hostile towards me like i did something so wrong to him but he appologized b/c he used anger to make me hate him, so its easier for him to go thru day by day. b/c he says it kills him everyday knowing how hurt he made me...the both of you have a lot on your mind. keep your head up & pray. take care & God bless.

 

-DG724

[dlb74]

Hi, Tinkerbell...

 

I'm afraid I may not be the best person in the world to give you relationship advice at the moment as I (like most people who find their way to this forum) am going through the same heart-break as yourself.

 

Having read your posts, I could relate to things you said. I was with my (ex-)girlfriend for almost four and a half years and I think it's safe to say I know exactly how you feel. It all sounds so familiar... feeling alone even when you're surrounded by friends and family who care for you... who love you... but then - deep down inside, it's not the same as the love you have lost. How could it be?

 

I'll pop the links to my posts at the bottom of this reply so you can check out the background of my situation... I certainly saw a lot of similarities with what you are going through just now...

 

In response to you being scared of your ex finding someone new and forgetting about you... again I know what that feels like. The disbelief they could ever end up in the arms of someone else seems impossible to imagine... believe me when I say that I also entertain those thoughts and fears about my ex... I try to think that although the last thing I would ever wish on her is unhappiness in any way, it is possible that should my ex end up with someone else, he may not treat her anywhere near as well as I did in our time together and perhaps she will realise that leaving me was indeed a mistake and return to me in time - assuming I haven't healed and move on myself by then.

 

Like yourself, I have also heard lyrics in songs that have made me relate to my situation. There is an old (1978) musical version of THE WAR OF THE WORLDS... which I think may have been a mainly British production. Anyway, there is a song called FOREVER AUTUMN which made me think of the situation we are in when I heard it again recently. Instead of making this an even longer (is that possible?) reply, you can see the lyrics here: link removed

 

Anyway, just try to be strong and hang in there - even though I know myself how difficult that can be. Whatever happens will happen for a reason - and will likely be for the best. Believe me when I say I am being told the very same thing right now and it is the very thing you don't want to hear... but I believe everything happens for a reason. None of us knows what the future will bring. We just have to wait and see... and time will tell.

 

Take care!

 

dlb74

 

P.S. Sorry if some of the stuff I've typed makes no sense... it's about 4am here and I can't sleep! Perhaps you know that feeling all too well at the moment too?

 

P.P.S. Here are the links to my previous posts:

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